What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

My advice: Apply for that PhD and then take a month off and go driving all over the country. Stop in towns you don't know, make small talk with strangers, go on hikes, take some chances...realize that life is more than career or money. Life is all about ENJOYING it.

 

Thats pretty solid advice.

[Fruitee]

So I decided to do something crazy and follow my dreams. I have a ticket to HongKong now! I will go after PhD application stuff is over and all important projects are finished at work.

[Fruitee]

So. 3 years living alone. 2 years after crazy ex. I have decided to move now. Im tired of just waiting around. So I am moving to better location. School is done. Im ready for next steps in my life. Im applying for jobs. And I have some new friends. I am content and happy. I think I am doing fine now. I still sometimes miss my ex bf but I know it is better this way. I didnt stay in bad relationship. And I realised I dont need him to live my life and my dreams. No one is bothering me or using me. Everything is fine.

[Fruitee]

I guess its sometimes hard to explain or for others to understand how living conditions, past, family and financial situation can affect on ones mood and self esteem. During this years I have noticed with how little I can get by with. How I dont need many things. And how most of the stuff people do and buy is useless and waste of time, energy and resources.

 

Lately I have felt so happy. I dont think of anything negative. I feel hopeful. It felt good to finish school.

 

Tomorrow I am moving. And I made amends with my mom. So I will be spending family xmas. I feel alive.

 

Past years have been such a ride. I feel like a new person. I have grown so much. Learned so much. And now Im strong and I stand my ground. No one has advantage of me.

 

But Im also letting people in. I socialise and I am being friendly. Nothing is putting me down. Since I walked through fire. And I survived.

[rubyjuly]

Here's what worked for me:

1) No contact. None. If you feel threatened, involve the law.

2) Read about abuse. Learn about what happened to you and how it happened, including your part in it so it never happens again.

3) Forgive yourself for letting this happen, treat yourself well and work on building up your self confidence. Surround yourself with people who care about you.

4)Time. It may take a long, long time. It took me 2 years to feel ok again. Still working on the trusting part. Seek council if you can. Good luck, be well!

 

All the above except be careful with # 3, there isn't a need to forgive herself for having been the victim of abuse. This is well intentioned but I guess you could say a misinformed idea that is perpetuated about abuse--- I was also the victim of domestic violence and after he was incarcerated for the last incident I ended up learning a lot about dv through therapy recently but before that was enrolled in a domestic violence shelter/ program where a case manager meets with you and goes in depth about what dv is and isn't, and one thing that a victim/ survivor needs to know is it's never their fault and that the misconception that they somehow allowed it is not the way it works....an abuse victim who has physically survived often feels self blame which has its roots in the abuser who used verbal and mental abuse to make their partner belittled and blame them for the abuse (look what you made me do, you made me hit you type of thing), a very damaging mindset that wears away at your self esteem and causes the victim to really start believing they're responsible for the abuse, and if they just try more or never make the partner mad or always try to do what they want it won't happen--- so while it's well meaning it's counterproductive to suggest to a victim they need to forgive themselves --- if anything perhaps at some point forgive the abuser just because that will free them ( although I haven't yet pushed myself to that step, that's a thing that survivors of abuse have different ideas about - and shouldn't be pressured into prematurely , )

I'm just after what happened to me when I can try to try in small ways to bring more awareness of dv from what I have learned

Edited January 2, 2018 by rubyjuly

[Fruitee]

I guess its natural to blame oneself or feel the need to forgive oneself. I saw at instagram that the guy who set all of this ordeal in motion has a gf who is expecting. And I found myself wondering how my life would be if I never met that guy. And if it was my fault. And if he has changed now. To me he lied and cheated and stole money. Is he different to this woman. Or if he is still the same. But past cannot be changed. And Im glad I survived. Even though the scars are deep.

 

Lately I have been wondering whats my purpose. What am I to do now. After school. I have a career yes. But who am I? What should I do? I have set a task for myself to figure that out during this year. I will be doing all the things I enjoy.

 

I spent today couple of hours trying to figure out which hobby to start. But I guess I will just join some cheap gym again and continue running as soon as weather is better.

 

I have also moved now. I thought that moving would be the key. But I just feel restless and out of place. It is very nice apartment though. And Im happy that I moved. Now I have more space to cook and invite people over.

[Fruitee]

So (ex) boyfriend got drunk and called and texted how he misses me and loves me and wants me back. I told him he dumped me. Then he went on how I dont want him. And I remided him again how he dumped me because he was tired of trying to be in a relationship with me. I wanted to meet him for 5 seconds. Then it passed. Instead I went for a walk. Its strange how once in my life I kept my ground and just said no thanks; you left, now deal with it. Instead of straight up going back to some guy who broke my heart. I guess thats progress.

 

Also I have really stepped my game up at work. I feel more rested now. Inspired. Healthy. I am almost vegetarian now. I take suppliments and I sleep. Without all of the drama I didnt just got my self esteem and energy back. Im also happh, light, healthy and not stressed. I cope at work better. I am inspired!

 

Also interesting thing happened and I am now waiting for info on new job opening. I straight away thought of two things. 1. If I get this job I will get really good salary and I can do whatever I want 2. I will be 100 % independent and covered if I get it. I dont need no one. I dont need a man. I will be exactly what I have been working towards. It was funny to notice how I instantly forgot all men and relationships. And just thought of myself. That never happened before.

[Fruitee]

I have been thinking about my reaction. That raw need I had for him. But also my brain who told me no. Its funny how we do things even after we have decided not to. We decide to be healthy and exercise. Yet we eat cake and sit at sofa. We have made superficial decision that we never follow through. Our lizard brain just makes us do things. Without us even understanding why or how.

 

But I have rationalised this whole thing for myself. I think of my future and plans and everything I wish to do. So I fight back. I dont want him. I dont need him. In time I will forget him. But why do I feel so bored. And plain. Just waiting for something to happen. I feel numb in a way. Like the spark is gone.

 

Im also more distant. If someone doesnt keep in touch fine. If someone has bad day. Fine. Nothing touches me anymore like it used to.

[Fruitee]

Ex bf was texting me again. He really is lost and dont know what he wants or what he should do. Me on the other hand have a clear plan now. I am now progressing on my job hunt and Im hoping to get this one position. Hopefully I know next week if they will hire me.

 

When I told bf that I still dont want him back since he was always so mean to me he blocked me. I guess it is good thing. I really dont need him distracting me and confusing me.

 

Only thing I can think of now is what I will do if I get the job. It is such a good feeling. I have been working towards this moment for so many years. I feel confident and optimistic. I also know I will survive even if I dont get that position.

 

Also for the first time in my life Im not letting someone else steal my happiness and momentum. Im doing me and I let others do whatever they want to do. Its none of my business.

 

I used to worry so much of so many things. Like why someone isnt keeping in touch or taking care of themselves. Why someone doesnt like me or talk to me. Now I dont even think about it anymore. I just make a note and move forward.

[Fruitee]

After ex bf blocked me then he unblocked me and started texting me drunk once again how he loves me and wants me back. This time I put a stop to that and blocked him and deleted him off. Should have done that months ago.

 

I have now nailed 2 interviews and the company liked my short analysis and the second longer one. They actually offered me better position based on the 2nd one. So Im going to 3rd interview this week. Im hoping it will go well and I will get the job.

 

I already made a list of things I could then finally afford to buy e.g. laptop. And I looked how to start investing and calculated how fast I can pay off my debt and loans and then how much can I save per month.

 

I have clear financial plan now.

 

Last night I saw a dream where I had the most perfect boyfriend and I was so happy. Im not thinking about starting anything though before I have everything balanced and stabled out.

 

Life feels good. I feel hopeful. Im really fed up with my current job. But I manage. Im exercising again. And that feels good as well.

 

I cant believe I survived and got my life in order!

[Fruitee]

I got the job!!!! I did it. I freaking did it! 3 years of hard work. And I got where I wanted to be. Now I have everything. I will pay off my debt. 10 months and I will be debt free. 10 freaking months! When my initial plan was 2 years. Next year May I will be debt free since I will start my pay off August. Then starting from June 19 I will start saving for apartment. Then in 2 years I will have what I need for down payment. So 2021 I can buy apartment. Then I will start investing for my retirement. I can already now start saving some money and perhaps start small investments. Like hundreds of dollars but then next year I can start by over thousands dollars per month. So after buying apartment I can save in 30 years like half of million which should cover my life expenses for retirement if I have paid off my loan and my investments have worked out well. And I stay working for next 30 to 40 years. Now I have purpose again and my **** together.

[Romantic_Antics]

told me millions of lies starting from where he is spending weekend to having secret girlfriend and baby, gaslighted me saying I am just imagining things when I asked about things I have seen like photos of his pregnant gf etc.

 

The worst part is that we believe them (them, being the narcissist) when they try to dismiss our suspicions as being products of our imagination or insecurities. They are master manipulators who create a false persona which they leverage against us later. We fall for the disguise so when things start happening which deviate from that we wonder if maybe we did imagine it or we're just being insecure. "My loving boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife [who just love bombed the holy hell out of me] would never do that," we naively tell ourselves. We ignore red flags and I think this is what helps drive their ability to often play the victim later. We accepted their crap and when we've finally had enough and put our foot down, we're the bad guy/gal.

 

Nothing has worked for me. I've actually gotten much worse over the past couple of months after learning more about narcissists in relationships and having it open a veritable floodgate of questions. I've recently started to question everything, including my own judgement. The discard phase will do that, even if you're the one who initiated the break up. Once you make them aware that you are onto them, they realize the gig is up and they have to ghost you as though you never existed in order for them to preserve the illusions they've created about themselves.

 

So I can't tell you what works, but I can at least empathize and sympathize with what you're going through. Hopefully we do a better job of listening to, and acting upon, our gut instincts the next time they scream "RED FLAG" at us.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Romantic_Antics