What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

Wtf. Now he send me lengthy text telling me how he came up with that gf because he wanted to see my reaction and stuff like that. Why would he even needed to see my reaction. And now he thinks that after control testing me he could just call me. Has everyone lost their minds?

[dreamingoftigers]

Wtf. Now he send me lengthy text telling me how he came up with that gf because he wanted to see my reaction and stuff like that. Why would he even needed to see my reaction. And now he thinks that after control testing me he could just call me. Has everyone lost their minds?

 

Well, uh, at least you see a pattern.

 

If this guy came along without seeing that pattern there's a good chance you'd be sucked into the headgame.

 

I'm sorry it's messing with you so much emotionally.

 

I really wonder how you found these two Idiot-needles in the haystack.

 

But I really like that you cut this one off early and aren't willing to compromise your dreams for a guy.

 

That alone shows you'll probably get a better guy shortly down the road! Baby steps!

[Fruitee]

Well, uh, at least you see a pattern.

 

If this guy came along without seeing that pattern there's a good chance you'd be sucked into the headgame.

 

I'm sorry it's messing with you so much emotionally.

 

I really wonder how you found these two Idiot-needles in the haystack.

 

But I really like that you cut this one off early and aren't willing to compromise your dreams for a guy.

 

That alone shows you'll probably get a better guy shortly down the road! Baby steps!

 

Well everyone is good at something. I am good at finding idiots.

 

Eventually I decided to block all of him. I also told him to take this now as good opportunity to go out on a date and find the gf of his dreams. No hate. No nothing. Didnt even mention what a joke and jerk he is. Just said that and blocked him.

 

I am not wasting anymore of my time on him. Even talking on the phone for 1 minute was too much.

 

What else.

 

Exercise shall continue. I decided to take weekend off and just relaxed and stuffed my face and watched tv and played video games. Today i will continue my regime. I have planned anti-valentines day party and also all other kinds of activities from massage to hair salon appointments.

 

I have also been reading all of these inspirational quotes etc when I am feeling low from instagram. Kind of lame but at least something.

[Satu]

No contact.

 

Journalling.

 

Therapy.

[Fruitee]

Something is definetly wrong with me because now I cant stop thinking about that new guy even he was total jerk. Smh.

[dreamingoftigers]

Something is definetly wrong with me because now I cant stop thinking about that new guy even he was total jerk. Smh.

 

It's part of how you attach.

 

BUT, now you recognize it and it is somewhat like an addiction that you CAN and WILL recover from.

 

Abuse can be somewhat addicting. Ofbthe primary way you've experienced love is from arseholes, your brain kind of goes "oh oh here we go! I'm in love."

 

But our brains can be really stupid sometimes.

 

However, they are also plastic (changeable, malleable) so the less you give in to the "Idiot-crave," the less you crave idiots.

 

It's just going to be tough at first. Like giving up sugar or coffee. In fact, same mechanism.

[Fruitee]

Yes now that I am able to recognise this I can shift my thoughts into something else. Like studying or gym.

[Fruitee]

I have been thinking little bit how to avoid these jerks and idiots in the future. And I decided also do small test in Tinder. I still had my old account there and matched some guys and talked to them. Now it was quite easy for me to already notice in some guys how they are definetly not the type for me. And it is actually quite easy in certain cases. And there is not even any need to do or say anything special for some guys to show their nature. With some people it is more difficult. They are sneaky. Also I have starting to notice some patterns in educational or cultural etc backgrounds that may lead to this kind of behaviour.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

I have noticed for instace if person feels like or actually have struggled a lot during their life it might make them jerks or abusive. Because some people are able to deal with those things and still maintain healthy mind and become some what or very succesfull.

 

Then again jerks think they are entitled to something and can be and behave anyway they want because they understand about life More etc. Like that new guy always that he has experienced more than i have and understands life more than i do. He was mimishing my experiences and life etc because for sure he had had it harder than me.

 

Even my big sister and one of my old female friends always said that to me. I cant possibly understand because i am so young and naiive and i dont have competence etc. Yeah maybe i am or dont have or whatever or maybe i do. They dont have right to insult me. If im not acting like a jerk or doing anything wrong to them.

 

I guess it has something to do with coping mechanisms and how people see life and how they take it. Do they become a victim or survivor. Do they think of themselves better than others because of their struggles.

[Fruitee]

I have also noticed that guys who have low self-esteem are more likely to call others names etc.

 

Also guys who have very strict demands or chauvinist or patriarchal ideas are more likely to be jerks.

 

For instace some guys have passive-aggressive attitude towards women: i dont demand you to dress like a woman but that is what i like and it is my opinion which I have right to express whether you follow it or not or i like to receive oral sex but i am not willing to return the favor.

 

Guys with low self-esteem sometimes take everything as insult and then start to insult the woman. Like this one guy had in his profile that he is good dancer. I asked him what does it mean (in his opinion) to be a good dancer. I was thinking maybe he had taken some salsa classes or won hip hop competition or something. Then he straight away asked me if i am trying to be smart ass because there is no measurements on who is good dancer and who is bad. I told him I was just trying to make a discussion of his hobby and he called me ugly bitch. That discussion escalated quite quickly.

 

I had something else on my mind too but cant remember..

 

Anyway I have also noticed that I need to be more "grown up". And not to let peoples bad attitude or bad words or bad behaviour grad me down to the same level. But stay civil and just be polite and so on. Even if someone insults me I dont need to give back. I can be better person and leave those people with their miserable lives.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Fruitee

[dreamingoftigers]

I find that people who make a lot of "demands" or act very "self-victimy" are the ones to watch for.

 

If they are focused on how "bad they have it" they really look at the world and potential partners as "more stuff against them" or lash out. Plus many many many abusers view themselves as "the victim."

 

My father is an abuser and he's the biggest victim ever. He could smack us kids around left and right and turn it into how it was almost a "look what you made me do."

 

So if someone's on their profile whining about how "oh there's no good people, I always pick jerks, been taken advantage of, just want someone with a good heart who won't hurt me like all of the rest" its a big red flag to me. (Not that I OLD).

 

But if you ever give yourself the 'treat' of looking one of those cheater hook-up sites, it's chalk FULL of profiles like that. Like "I'm married but she just doesn't do xyz for me so I'm here boohoohoo." These are people cheating on their partners crying about how tough they have it! They are victimizing their partners and trying to get sympathy from people to justify and victimize them more!

 

3 big flags to me:

-Charm (the kind where long before they meet you they are just "oh my gosh you are just the GREATEST. You know me SO WELL. We have such a fantastic CONNECTION. Most beautiful, understanding, blar de blar girl EVER!") Just forcing flattery etc way too soon before even getting to know WHO you are at all. Like you've done them a huge favor just by showing up at all. You've " saved the day." Look up "Love Bombing"

 

I'm not saying the guy who clicks on your profile and mentions that you are pretty is in league with the Devil. But when some guy is just piling on WAY TOO FAST it can really blind and manipulate you too quick.

 

-Self-Pity (we covered this one)

 

-Rage. You saw this with the dancing guy. He's an idiot.

[Fruitee]

I find that people who make a lot of "demands" or act very "self-victimy" are the ones to watch for.

 

If they are focused on how "bad they have it" they really look at the world and potential partners as "more stuff against them" or lash out. Plus many many many abusers view themselves as "the victim."

 

My father is an abuser and he's the biggest victim ever. He could smack us kids around left and right and turn it into how it was almost a "look what you made me do."

 

So if someone's on their profile whining about how "oh there's no good people, I always pick jerks, been taken advantage of, just want someone with a good heart who won't hurt me like all of the rest" its a big red flag to me. (Not that I OLD).

 

But if you ever give yourself the 'treat' of looking one of those cheater hook-up sites, it's chalk FULL of profiles like that. Like "I'm married but she just doesn't do xyz for me so I'm here boohoohoo." These are people cheating on their partners crying about how tough they have it! They are victimizing their partners and trying to get sympathy from people to justify and victimize them more!

 

3 big flags to me:

-Charm (the kind where long before they meet you they are just "oh my gosh you are just the GREATEST. You know me SO WELL. We have such a fantastic CONNECTION. Most beautiful, understanding, blar de blar girl EVER!") Just forcing flattery etc way too soon before even getting to know WHO you are at all. Like you've done them a huge favor just by showing up at all. You've " saved the day." Look up "Love Bombing"

 

I'm not saying the guy who clicks on your profile and mentions that you are pretty is in league with the Devil. But when some guy is just piling on WAY TOO FAST it can really blind and manipulate you too quick.

 

-Self-Pity (we covered this one)

 

-Rage. You saw this with the dancing guy. He's an idiot.

My crazy was and continued love bombing me. That new guy had all kinds of demands. My sister and old female friends are biggest martyrs and victims ever. Also my crazy ex played that victim card. New guy was playing some kind of father figure who knows it all.

 

This one guy I was talking to and I asked about his background etc. Because his dad wasnt American. So I asked him like where your dad is from and how is it there and can you travel here and there etc. This discussion was after we covered the usual like work and hobbies how are yous etc.

 

At work I have dealt with Visas and invitation letters etc. and I have international friends who dont have it so easy to travel because of political issues between countries. E.g. customs always ask them a lot of questions.

 

He basicly called me stupid because I asked those things and said I believe in media which is making stuff up. He didnt even believe me until I showed him Visa application that they do ask certain questions in those papers. I guess he never had gone through that process and didnt know.

 

But why call me stupid then? Also How could I know certain things if I dont have any experience on being half-American half-something else etc? Okay maybe people ask him stupid questions all the time. But so do they ask me as well. And I was genuinly interested and wanted to learn about his cultural background.

 

I ask him about his rant politely. Because i thought it was kind of unexpected especially when he called me bitter because of Visa application questions (??). Then he went on about us having argument and how he wants to get to know my personality and dont want to get back to the discussion of previous topic and if i have something other to say about i should leave it to that.

 

I asked him how did he feel like this went. After i asked simple question can he travel freely or not he insults me 3 times and then dont wanna admit he was wrong after i showed him the application etc.

 

His excuse was that he has always been blunt and thats just the way he is and he is very happy and has lots of friends and love and blah blah.

 

I dont understand how some people can just say it like that. Ok we all have our personalities. But I feel like people mistake being rude abd inpolite to their personalities. And are not willing to even make good 1st impressions. Sometimes i feel like i have been born into wrong era where people are too busy to make their own points and to be heard to actually stop and think what is being asked and how to behave.

 

I know i come often too rude but i always try to be nice to people i dont know and if i act like jerk i say i am sorry and explain. This guy didnt even say sorry. Was just like this is who i am. Take it or leave it.

[Fruitee]

Btw not all my discussions have been this crazy or weird. I have also managed to have some very normal discussions.

 

Also I have healthy relationships. Where I can trust and rely and talk and help others and be myself etc. All the usual stuff.

[turnera]

Something to remember, every time you're in a situation and someone treats you like that, it's your RIGHT - and maybe even your DUTY - to just say 'interesting' and then excuse yourself and leave. Do NOT stay in a conversation, let alone a relationship, in which you are being judged and questioned. That's your new boundary, ok? And if those people look you up and ask you why you left, just say 'I'm practicing my new boundary of not staying in a situation that makes me uncomfortable.' And if they try to push you to get you to admit they weren't 'making' you uncomfortable, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Gotta go."

 

People like us have trouble seeming 'mean' to Users and Abusers. That's how they weasel their way into our lives. So I suggest start practicing your right to leave.

[Fruitee]

^ I have noticed now that I have this very bad habit of not leaving. Also if someone is wrong it is my job to correct then.

 

How to deal with that? It is hard for me to just leave. Later I will think about all of the stuff I should have said.

 

How to improve self-esteem?

[turnera]

Ask your therapist to give you homework. Also the book The Self Esteem Workbook has good stuff in it. Basically, you have to rewire your brain, and DOING things is the only way to replace old dialogue with new dialogue - thus the homework and the workbook.

 

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi | 9781572247260 | NOOK Book (eBook) | Barnes & Noble

 

This book might also help: codependent no more | Barnes & Noble

 

My favorite advice is volunteering. You're helping someone else (or something else (like animals), you're around other people who are willing to do good things too, you're meeting good people that you could possibly become good friends with, it looks great on your resume, and the more volunteering you do, the better you feel about yourself. And the better you feel about yourself, the easier it is to walk away from bad people. Because you know you can do better.

[dreamingoftigers]

^ I have noticed now that I have this very bad habit of not leaving. Also if someone is wrong it is my job to correct then.

 

How to deal with that? It is hard for me to just leave. Later I will think about all of the stuff I should have said.

 

How to improve self-esteem?

 

1. Realize it isn't your job to correct everyone, especially douchebag behaviour.

 

That's my job, on Loveshack. You don't want to take my job do you?

[Fruitee]

Oh yeah now I remember what I was supposed to write.

 

Not long time ago I set up Skype account because one of my friends moved abroad and we also wanna talk in phone not just chat for free in whatsapp.

 

So last weekend I noticed my ex had called me like 3 times and send me 19 messages which were same again. From how he misses me to who I am with since I wasnt answering. It was past 00.00 during night so of course I was sleeping. I guess he remembered me because he could see me in his contacts again.

 

So then I decided to test myself. And I accept his request and we talked on Skype Sunday. I could see his face on the video and hear his voice after 2 months or something. I havent talked to him on the phone since he left. And I felt nothing. I only started to feel something sexual. But no love. No missing him. I had nothing to say to him.

 

He told me how pretty I look and how he misses me and loves me and I just felt like how to explain it. Not awkward. But like how you feel when that weird uncle is commenting on your looks or something like that.

 

Then he started to talk about babies again. How he wants to make one with me. And I asked him isnt 5 enough. Does he want 6? I dont know how many kids he has for real. I guess those 2. Anyway I also said we already talked about this how I dont want kids. And his face changed. Like he realized how his tactics arent working on me anymore. After that he hasnt called me or nothing.

 

I dont understand how he hasnt come back yet since school has started already. I was thinking maybe he drop out. Maybe he wont come back at all. Who knows. I was feeling little bit weirded out and anxious about the **** he put me through since it came back to my mind but then I just brushed it off and continued with my daily tasks.

 

Huh.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

Just writing that post I realized I am having some kind of problem with my memory. I guess it is because I am not sleeping or work and study is too much for me. I will try to rest more. Because now I am forgetting things and messing up with days. Like I thought today was Thursday or something. And he called me Monday. Or how I have had Skype for 2 weeks but it has only been like 5 days. My sense of time is messed up.

[turnera]

Good time to start a journal. A daily journal.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just writing that post I realized I am having some kind of problem with my memory. I guess it is because I am not sleeping or work and study is too much for me. I will try to rest more. Because now I am forgetting things and messing up with days. Like I thought today was Thursday or something. And he called me Monday. Or how I have had Skype for 2 weeks but it has only been like 5 days. My sense of time is messed up.

 

Frankly, that's a psychological trauma issue.

 

Didn't you recently start medication ?

 

Could be that too.

 

I was on Dexedrine for a year before I found out that it effects short-term memory.

[Fruitee]

Yeah i have been now taking the medication for like 2 weeks. I think it should be on total effect now. I am not sure if I feel differrent at least I dont want to die anymore during late at night. And maybe I am not obsessing over things that much e.g. did I lock the door. On the other hand I have been relativly busy so that might also have something to do with it.

 

I removed my Tinder now because some guys started to ask me out and I just felt like it is not fair to lead them on by my experiments.

 

I have tried not to think about my ex and when I have felt like texting him I have focused myself on something else. Also I havent kept in contact anyone else either I mean e.g. the new guy.

 

For the next month I need to do lot of reports for school and I will be quite busy at work.

 

What I am worrying about is if and when my ex comes back if I just drift back with him. Like he just shows up one day and then it just goes from there.

 

Being away from home almost every day after work is helping me quite a lot. Not to just sit around and wait for some guy to fill me up and make my day and me happy etc.

 

Whatelse..

 

I will try that journaling thing and will check those workbooks.

Edited February 10, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

Today had been weird. I for example laughted at work. Also noticed I was humming. I havent laughted at work for such a long time.

 

Also I found this site: wellbeing-glasgow.org.uk which has many helpful booklets etc. Now I have home work and work sheets.

[Fruitee]

It is so clear that I am not even close to ready for any kind of emotional attachment or whatsoever relationship type of thing.

 

I have been talking to my friend who moved abroad quite a lot and he told me that he is coming for a visit. Of course we planned to meet too. But then the discussion took weird turn. We had been joking like how I will move out of here after I have finished my school too and maybe move to same city as him. And how he would date the **** ouf me. And all kinds of stupid things.

 

But I havent lead him on. And it was clear from the beginning that we are not starting any kind of long distance relationship or whatever.

 

But yesterday he asked me all kinds of things like if I would be ok if he had sex with someone etc. I had told him that I am in no place for relationship etc. So I said it is nobe of my business what he does etc.

 

But then I got some how angry because he was asking me those things and like being worried of me falling for him. And I said maybe is better that we dont talk anymore.

 

Well now I feel bad again for getting mad and saying lets not talk.

 

Last night all of my crazy ex stuff came back to my mind too. I felt so worthless that someone who meant so much to me. Abd I meant nothing to him. That feeling is the worst. And I hate it.

 

I dont want to ruin my friendships too because of him.

[turnera]

My best guess is that, because you ARE so damaged, the only people you have attracted in your life are equally damaged. Your friend is just another case of that. He's as messed up as you are - two hurting people blindly reaching out for a moment of feel good.

 

Except now, you are learning. And growing. And changing. And realizing what a healthy person looks for and accepts. Don't take what these people do personally, it's just their damaged selves doing all they know how to do, because they aren't pulling themselves out of the quicksand like you are. Be proud of yourself.