vettegirl Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 (edited) I am married for the second time and having issues. I want more affection we even gotten to where we don't even kiss anymore. What kind of life is this? He says he likes to cuddle but why doesn't he do it then? I feel lonely I just don't know what to do anymore he tells me I'm bugging him too much about it but when I stop he doesn't change. Our sex life is great. this affection thing started about 2 months after we started dating. I've tried to talk to him about but it gets me nowhere. I need this in my life and I'm not getting it. He has told me before that no other girl has ever wanted this before. what am I an alien to want affection? We have a great relationship except for this affection thing. I want to feel loved like every other person what do I do? It breaks my heart seeing it all around me. Our relationship was great in the beginning. He did anything for me (still does) he buys me things all the time but it goes beyond that I don't want material possessions I want affection and for him to show me he loves me not just say it. I left my ex-husband for way less than this I'm getting to point where I want to leave it's that bad. I'm sick of people saying "that's the way he is" no it's not he showed me affection before Edited January 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
MzLady Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Like you, I want affection too. It's something that makes you feel loved and connected. It sounds like he shows you affection in other ways though, which is important, and says a lot.. that he cares about you. I could see if he did nothing to show he cares, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe finding comfort in the fact that he has so many other great qualities and you have a great relationship otherwise is what you should do. Count your blessings that you have a great guy who just doesn't like to make out. Have you read some of these other posts and what some of these other women (myself included) have been dealing with? I wish you the best and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
11012015 Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I am married for the second time and having issues. I want more affection we even gotten to where we don't even kiss anymore. What kind of life is this? He says he likes to cuddle but why doesn't he do it then? I feel lonely I just don't know what to do anymore he tells me I'm bugging him too much about it but when I stop he doesn't change. our sex life is great. this affection thing started about 2 months after we started dating. I've tried to talk to him about but it gets me nowhere. I need this in my life and I'm not getting it. He has told me before that no other girl has ever wanted this before. what am I an alien to want affection? We have a great relationship except for this affection thing. I want to feel loved like every other person what do I do? It breaks my heart seeing it all around me. our relationship was great in the beginning. He did anything for me (still does) he buys me things all the time but it goes beyond that I don't want material possessions I want affection and for him to show me he loves me not just say it. I left my ex-husband for way less than this I'm getting to point where I want to leave it's that bad. I'm sick of people saying "that's the way he is" no it's not he showed me affection before I think your approach is wrong. You can't ask for more affection. Well, you can ... but if you are getting it because you had asked for it, it will be temporary or fake. Asking for certain things (i.e. asking your partner to love you more, demanding more sex, etc.) is kinda weird. Sometimes it is better to create a reality that would facilitate the desired action (i.e. getting so hot that he wants to have more sex, being so lovable that he can't help romantically daydream about you, etc.) instead. I just thought about what would make me more affectionate (and kiss more, etc.) and these are my thoughts: Let's start with the basics. You want more kiss moments? As silly as it sounds, how is your oral hygiene? Are you consistent with your kissability (a kiss can strike at any moment)? Do you use fragrances that you used to wear when you guys were dating or do you expect passionate date-kisses to show up when you greet him with daily clothes/hair/style? You want more cuddle moments? Can you make yourself cuter and more lovable? Cuter ... maybe more use of the gym, grooming products, stylish clothes. More lovable? Maybe giving love, without expecting anything in return. Maybe cooking his fav meal or doing something nice for him so he internally says "OMG. How considerate. I love this woman ..." And boom you get a kiss or an extra hug out of nowhere.As you pointed out, all those excuses are just BS and you know that is not the way he is and he has shown you affection before. So your best bet is to turn back to that woman he was more affectionate with. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 How much affection do you give him? My husband wasn't the most affectionate guy so I started climbing onto his lap every once in a while. I rarely stay there for more than 5 minutes but I get a cuddle & a few kisses. In turn he has become more affectionate & actually misses it when I don't sit on his lap. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I want to feel loved like every other person what do I do? It breaks my heart seeing it all around me. I spent most of my first marriage resenting my ex-wife for all the things she didn't do - and believe me, there were plenty. I was lucky enough the second time to marry someone with a much higher emotional IQ and she's taught me this - take responsibility for your own needs. If I want sex, I initiate. If I want affection, I'll pull her close. If I need space, I take the necessary steps. She treats me the same way. No blame game, no resentment, very little drama . If you want affection and cuddling, grab as much as you need. Once the fire gets started, no one remembers who provided the spark ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 It sounds like you have different love languages. Have you read The five love languages by Gary D Chapman? There's even an online test you can both take to determine what your love languages are, it could be a start to figuring it out. It sounds like you need physical affection whereas he sees gift giving as showing love, so you are both showing it but missing the mark. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author vettegirl Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 i think he's stick in high school days. all i know is i cant keep doing this its emotionally tearing me apart. he knows hes doing it thats what hurts the most and he doesnt care Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 I don't understand. This affection "issue" started 2 months after you started dating. If you weren't happy, why did you marry him. What can you change about yourself to make your marriage work? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 If you go up & cuddle or kiss him does he push you away? Does he not like cuddling on the sofa or watching TV in bed cuddling? Some people are a lot more tactile than others. Lots of things in marriage become a habit. Often it's just about changing our ways. Setting new habits. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 It sounds like you have different love languages. Have you read The five love languages by Gary D Chapman? There's even an online test you can both take to determine what your love languages are, it could be a start to figuring it out. It sounds like you need physical affection whereas he sees gift giving as showing love, so you are both showing it but missing the mark. I was just about to recommend the same thing. OP, this is definitely worth a read. Another book I highly recommend is Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix. Fantastic book about exactly this. Regardless if your love languages are different, this book will help you achieve the love you need. The exercises can be done on your own but like everything, you get significant better results if both partners are actively working the program. I think like most women we want our men to instinctively know what we want without having to ask for it. It's like if we have to ask for it, it doesn't seem to count as much. I was exactly in the same boat in my marriage. I am with you on the affection thing. My love language is Physical Touch and I am very affectionate and need it in return to feel loved. I was married for 20 years and my husband was the polar opposite of this. I got married young and had no idea what all of this stuff meant at the time. At this stage in my life, now that I know so much better, I would never enter into any relationship without feeling a deep and mutual compatibility right from the start. The only thing I know for sure is that the more you nag about the things you want, the further you're going to push your husband away. No one wants to be nagged to death after all. Read the books recommended. Apply some of the techniques and work through some of the exercises and see how it goes. If that fails, I would recommend couple's counselling. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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