Keep pushing without motivation

[thorin]

One year since my last breakup, an already fading motivation to keep improving myself - moving out of my parents house, finding well-paid job, making cycling trips in distant countries, going to parties every weekend, taking dancing lessons, etc.

 

And yet I can't find myself a girlfriend, and all of my confidence seems to go down more and more because of that fact.

 

I have approached really a lot of girls at the parties, have been kissing tons of them, have got a lot of numbers, met with a couple of them, but it eventually let to nothing. The continuous problem is that most of those girls were drunk, and easy to kiss/get a number. It's very hard to accept this for me, but I think I'm below "average looking" guy as I have never been really told I'm handsome, and at parties it's only "ugly" girls that make eye contact with me, I have to play numbers game with the ones I'm attracted to.

 

It doesn't help that I'm not very socially outgoing, I'm not the most talkative person with people I don't know (only), and although I want to be one, I don't know how do I learn this skill (practice doesn't really help).

 

The most difficult thing is competition, seeing my roommate having different girls all the time, or my friend having better results than me while he's been to 2 or 3 parties only, and feeling that my life passes without it prevents me from taking a longer break from all of this.

 

All of that goes down to contantly putting efforts giving no results, and depression starting to grow inside of me.

 

I think I just really needed to vent. How do I find motivation to keep going to parties, attending social gatherings, meetups, to find a girlfriend, in all this hell?

[Thatmixedotaku]

Well, i cant say anyone can answer that question for you, different people are motivated by different things . However , i will tell you this - When it rains, it pours . You are probably not doing well in your love life because you are putting all this pressure on yourself internally, making a mental sort of competition between you and other males . You are you . Your love life, your experiences, your pain your joy, is yours . There is no point in comparing yourself to them .

 

I know the depression that grows from loneliness well , the ONLY cure is to learn to love being by yourself, and one day out of the blue, love from another will follow suit

 

Keep travelling, partying , dancing. All these things will help you find a person you will feel like the wait was worth for . You are better than a person who dates for the sake of being in a relationship, and you should tell yourself that .

 

well, that's my humble opinion .

[JangMi1221]

It's very hard to accept this for me, but I think I'm below "average looking" guy as I have never been really told I'm handsome, and at parties it's only "ugly" girls that make eye contact with me, I have to play numbers game with the ones I'm attracted to.

 

It doesn't help that I'm not very socially outgoing, I'm not the most talkative person with people I don't know (only), and although I want to be one, I don't know how do I learn this skill (practice doesn't really help).

 

The most difficult thing is competition, seeing my roommate having different girls all the time, or my friend having better results than me while he's been to 2 or 3 parties only, and feeling that my life passes without it prevents me from taking a longer break from all of this.

 

 

I believe you have to first start with yourself. It seems as if you unintentionally programmed your brain to see yourself as less than you really are. You're average looking according to whose standards? You're not talkative or socially outgoing - so you're an introvert. What's wrong with that? It's nothing wrong with wanting to be a better communicator - communication to relationships is like water to a plant. But if you're quiet and reserved, then that's you. You don't need to compete against anyone. They are who they are. Who are who you are. Personally, I believe in God. He made us all in His image (all races and both genders) and he was EXTREMELY PROUD of it. So if He's proud of YOU, his creation, then he made no mistakes with you. You are who you are. We are all unique and uniquely gifted with something that no one else in this world has. It's time for you to tap into YOUR strengths, YOUR assets, and YOUR uniqueness.

 

I strongly believe that there is someone out there for everyone - all you have to do is be you. Embrace who are you, tell YOURself that you're handsome, continue to build your character, and don't compare yourself to anyone. Your thoughts and words will DRAW what you want. There's a woman out there, to your liking, who wants your "average look". Who wouldn't mind that you're not socially outgoing. Your appearance, your character, your spirit, and maybe little odd & quirky things will attract her. Trust me - I know. Confidence is attractive. Be committed to building yourself up - reverse your thoughts and watch what happens.

[Greene0Kelly]

^ very well said comment. I hope you wouldn't focus your entire life searching for a girl. There's more to life. Seek yourself of who you really are (your personality) and learn to love yourself.

[scooby-philly]

Ok, a bit of a bragging title. But that's somewhat the truth.

 

The first few responses were great - particularly regarding the reality that we attract what we are - if you feel comfortable with yourself, if you are proud about your skills and your future then it radiates out like an invisible tractor beam.

 

You're not in a race with anyone so what takes you x amount of time, takes you x amount of time.

 

Nor, as others have said, should you compare yourself with anyone. I would rate myself only as a 5 or 6 on the "hotness" scale - but that's because I'm self-conscious about a small facial deformity/scar I have and that I'm overweight and not the athletic type. However for some people I would be a 10 I'm sure because of how I look, how I carry myself, how I act, etc.

 

I was a virgin till I was 30. I spent 6 years after college as a missionary and didn't start dating till 28/29. I have now slept with 4 women in relationships/dating and 3 from parties. In the relationship department I'm still not strong enough weening early own, and I haven't been focused enough on my own goals & life so that I've settled for other people who were also settling. I've lost money in both situations which as perpetuated me living at home when I love being independent enough to have my own place - so that's another reality check to my actions. I am also an introvert so don't feel like being quiet and shy is a problem - as long as you take enough action when opportunities present themselves...that's fine

 

I am not agnostic, atheist, and nor do I go to church. But I believe that God, or life, the Force, the Universe, the Great Spaghetti Monster - whoever,whatever - we are all meant to find happiness. Do not for the moment buy the b.s. that if you're not X by age Y it's over. That's bull****.

 

By the same token you can't fake it or lie to yourself when you know you've hit a wall or you've not been true to yourself. And there are healthy compromises for sure - we are human after all.

 

You can't sit ans wait for things to happen - and it sounds like you are trying - but you've recognized a few points you should focus your attention on and cut out some other crap in your life.

 

And motivation waxes and wanes. A lot stems from choices & results. But take the time to to burn the deeper fire through meditation, quiet time, reading, hiking, swimming, - wherever your Zen place is.

[Grewd]

I can relate to this. Trying in a panicked fashion to live an "attractive" life, somehow finding a woman and struggling to be socially active. All while there's a massive pain pulling inside of me, watching everyone else get things done feeling like I'm falling behind. I have a name for it now, fear of not being and having enough.

 

It's only half a year ago since I was stuck at that, I was stuck for a long time before that. This may sound odd but eventually I gave up, the pain was eating me up inside and I couldn't take it anymore. I had disobeyed my feelings, that's why it was hurting. I realized I had no satisfaction in what I was doing, so what's it worth then? Absolutely nothing! Enough was enough, I was done with the dating game, it wasn't fun. It's supposed to be fun, but it wasn't. I had been living my life to get a woman, not according to my own heart, I had not been true to myself. I had let myself down, I felt like I had sold my soul or something.

 

Getting a girlfriend? F*ck that, I want to have fun! Very shortly after this breakdown I gave my full undivided attention to doing what I felt like doing. I was no longer trying to achieve anything so I didn't really care how others saw me, all that pressure was just gone. I was actually starting to have fun. I wasn't worried about what to say or what to do, it didn't matter as I did it for me and not to get something from someone else.

 

Then I went to a party, I was really excited and ready to just let myself really go and flow freely. There was girls there, but I for once wasn't affected by that. I was literally dancing and singing in joy, although it's probably horrible to listen to me sing, did I care? Nope!! We went out to party, we're taking the bus and I sat down next to one of the girls. I was still just having fun and not really putting anything into it as I start talking to her, apparently I was pretty interesting, but hey I was just having fun. Later my hand somehow lands on her thigh, oh well I don't mean anything by it. Then later at some point we're making out, whaaaat? How did that happen? Oh time to go home, uhm she's with me in the cab?! Well, that's fine, I ask if she wants to sleep on the couch or in my bed, she picks the bed. Waaaait a minute, I wasn't supposed to do this, but I kinda don't want to ruin it.

 

No action in the bed, meh whatever it's been awesome anyways. Next morning she leaves relatively early, I think that's probably the last I see of her and come to peace with that. Besides I'm tired of that sh*t anyways. 2 days later my phone makes a messenger sound, I hope I'm not right in my assumptions for once. Oh, I'm right, she apparently had an awesome time with me and wants to see me again. I spend 2 hours deeply contemplating my life before I land a decision, I didn't want to get caught in that evil loop of having girls break my heart again. I decide to give it chance, my heart tells me it's right. We set up a date, complete the date and somehow we both had a great time. Before I know it she's my girlfriend, now almost half a year later she's still my girlfriend, I love her and she loves me. Still having fun and I recently realized I'm being social left and right, but I'm not even trying, it just happens.

 

The irony is that I met my girlfriend only 3 weeks after giving up several years of trying hard, I did indeed waste those years in misery.

 

Moral of the story: It's not worth doing if it makes you feel bad. You find what you're looking for when you stop looking for it. Your well being is more important than getting a girlfriend and living what people expect an "attractive" life to look like. It's your life, your choice what you do with it and your responsibility to enjoy it.

 

tl;dr Don't do what you're not motivated to do, do what you're motivated to do. If parties, social gatherings and meetups don't make you happy, then f*ck it and start doing what does make you happy.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Grewd