siankat Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I've known my partner for 13 years and been together for 18 months. When we met i was 21 and he was my manager in a bar. He cheated a lot on his then partner who later became the mother of his children. This was the reason they eventually broke up after 8 years together. I was his friend for years so i heard his side of things as a friend, not potential lover, and he expressed regret at losing his family but i always felt that he was a bit flippant about his cheating past also. He once told me he doesn't believe in monogamy. This was all about 6-7 years ago. In more recent years he met a woman and seemed to calm down a lot and from all accounts was in a very settled, committed relationship, leaving his lifestyle behind, of taking drugs and working and drinking in bars, and telling me he sees the value in being with just one person. Unfortunately, this ended and he said she wasn't altogether faithful (he was a stay at home dad to her kids for over a year) but that is was her lying about bills that was the worst thing for him (i'd be more annoyed at the infidelity), and from her side, she felt he didn't like her children enough. When we talk about fidelity now, he says he always felt he was a late starter in life, was put back several years at school, got into dating later than everyone else, and says that he was ready to settle down a lot later in life than most people. We have now been dating for 18 months. We get on amazingly, we also spend all our free time alone, or together or with his kids. I just have fears as i want children and he does too, but it's a lifelong commitment and i worry about his potential to revert back to his old lifestyle and wonder if he is just taking a hiatus from it and the urges he had then never really went away? It's because of what i know more than anything he has done since we have been together, that i panic about what could happen? We spend all our time together but he has made the odd comment that there isn't anyone at work he would go for a drink with except for one who he has tried to meet up with who's gay. But what if it was one of the other women he works with? He loves a drink and i don't think he'd know where to stop, and could let someone, or himself, cross a boundary, if not the first time, then the second or third after slipping back to his old ways. He has a need to be liked and can get emphatic himself about people he thinks are 'amazing' or the opposite and when he's on a high, he's not thinking about anything or anyone else. He loves what he has with me and says he has never been more settled and happy. I see that he is a lot calmer now but like one of his friends said, 'his calm is other peoples 100miles an hour'. I do see his potential for reckless abandon when he's drunk, however he always chooses to be with me and his kids. But does someone who has always gotten a buzz from the thrill of the chase and who loves variety or partners, and is more used to cheating than not albeit years ago, ever really just going to be satisfied with one person? Or is he a simmering pot waiting to boil? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Yes he will slip into his old ways if he doesn't acknowledge or try to admit remorse for his behavior. You say his risky behavior stems alcohol abuse, so that being said, if he doesn't address he has a problem with drinking, this situation of being "settled" is only temporary. He needs to own it and stop drinking all together. I also recommend couples counseling before you decide to get married to sort all your fears out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
big dog Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 If you've known him for that long and are still unsure I'd say you better back off & just accept him for what he is. People have some things that are just in their nature and sounds like he's one of them. I doubt he's trustworthy in the way you'd like to believe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Just a question: You know his lifestyle for like years. And you definitely know there's no way he'll stop. And you still engage in having a relationship with him? Are you on a suicide mission or something? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 C'mon, you have to know this guy is a ticking time bomb. If he cheated once early in life and regretted it, that's one thing, but this guy is a serial cheater and you knew it before you started this up. If the thought of breaking up his child's happy home didn't stop him from cheating, do you think you will? I think you know you'll spend a lifetime looking over your shoulder with someone like this. The trick is make sure you keep your guard up and expectations low. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I wouldn't invest in anyone like this. Learned that the hard way. I was also friends for years with a guy who did nothing but cheat on his wife the entire time he was married. They finally divorced, and he reached out to me and we reconnected, and we got romantically involved. He told me all about how he'd changed and how he wanted to live authentically now and not have to lie every single day and sneak around and hew was a better person now, and blah blah blah. I figured people can change and he's older and wiser so I chose to invest in him. Biggest mistake ever. He eventually reverted right back to what he'd always been. A sneaking, lying cheater. With all the awful character traits you've listed about this guy, it's a safe bet to say yours will eventually revert back to who he is. Sure as the sun rises each morning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moebius Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 It doesn't look like a good prospect, right? Infidelity and kind of an alcoholism issue. It seems he's going to cheat you on the first crisis you have in the relationship. I mean, anyone can do that, but in this case it looks like this is for sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 It doesn't sound too good. If this was something clearly in his distant past, I might have a different opinion. You say - in the present tense - that he still likes a drink, still wants people to like him, still doesn't think about anyone else when he's "on a high". (What does this mean, by the way?) How often and how much does he drink? That's all still part of his life. It seems fairly obvious that you don't really trust him and you worry about his lack of boundaries. I wouldn't be able to continue with someone I was so uncertain about. It's not just an insecurity speaking; there are some red flags here. Have you talked to him about your concerns? Link to post Share on other sites
Author siankat Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 I came back on here today as I have a recurring quandary. I feel I owe it to anyone who wondered about a situation like mine and how it faired 3-4 years down the line, to update. My partner finally stopped doing things that left me doubtful. I trust him and have no worries. He’s not close to any kind of cheating behaviour. He was my first live in long term partner and now I’m in my late 30s, I’m the horny one with the wandering eye - who’s not cheated - but is thirsty for something else. I’ve never cheated in my life and I wonder was I always capable of these thoughts but always so consumed with worries of one kind or another keeping me focused on my partners and keeping their attention that I never had a still period in which to just be. How things can change. Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 I hear swinging can be fun ? and it sounds like you might have a good partner to try that with down the road if it interested the two of you. Or you can ask Merrick about the merits of poly marriage she makes it sounds pretty cool haha Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 If you know what he is like by being friends with him all this time why would you date someone you have to question when you know the answer to your question here. When you have the info about how someone is why would you bother going where you are with him? Makes no sense... Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I seriously doubt that he will change his behavior until he lays off of the booze. Heavy drinkers not only have a bad habit of making poor choices, they slip past taking responsibility by blaming it on the alcohol. And, people enable them by also allowing the booze to take the blame. I personally don't date heavy drinkers for this reason. If he's going to continue to drink, go forth at your own risk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 This is a classic case of a good woman hoping she can change a bad boy and his bad boy ways. Take if from someone who has been here myself - this does not end well. He's revealed a lot of critical information to you about who he is and his perspective on relationships. You've seen first hand his recklessness and the damage he's done. He's a flight risk but you already know this so going into a relationship with him means it's on YOU. Enter this with eyes-wide-open. There are only two ways of being with him; either you love him unconditionally (and that includes his slips which are inevitable) or walk away. At the end of the day, he's shown you who he really is. The rest is up to you. Personally, knowing what I know now about men like this, it's not worth it. There is a fine line between being a good woman and a stupid one. Don't be the latter. Tread carefully. And for God's sake, use protection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 This thread is 3 1/2 years old friends, she's here giving us an update that guy is being good and things are going well. You can put the pitchforks away 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 I'm assuming he's stop drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
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