Military man - things are crazy. Help!

[PathToExile]

Hello folks, I stumbled upon this site and spent the past 4 hours just reading other people's stories. I feel now is the right time to make a thread.

 

I'm 26 years old and I've been with my GF (24) for 1.5 years, and she has been a staple throughout my training. I just completed my career course of 22 weeks and was ready for my first posting with her. She's gorgeous, smart and fun, but that's where the good stuff ends. I tend to be very conservative, have a huge hate for cheating, but somehow this girl voids all my thoughts. I'm now in a pit of turmoil between my heart and brain.

 

Throughout my training, she has done many troublesome things. When we'd go out and have some drinks, she would act distant, walked around like she owned the establishment, kissed random people on the cheeks as we walk together (might be a Latina thing), and was generally really social.

 

After the first module of my training, I took her to my friends cottage where she got absolutely hammered. I was warned by a friend that she was being flirty, so I pretended to sleep on the couch, and saw her wrap her arms around another friend an tried to kiss him on the lips - he pushed her away. I confronted her with words a' blazin, and declared things were over. She apologized profusely, declaring she would see a therapist and stop drinking. I had already told our parents about us breaking up at this point. I reconciled and had an amazing summer without a problem. She wasn't drinking, and therapy was followed through.

 

At the end of the summer, I started the second module of my course. I was about to go away for a week in the field, when she drunkenly texted me and told me 'I'm done', hours before I left the a week without a phone. This, on top of the stresses of sleep deprivation made it a lot worse than it should have been. Upon returning, I received dozens of messages of apologies, so I naturally ignored the incident.

 

A month later, I was gone on my final field assessment for 3 weeks, which would make or break the past 19 I completed. During this time, she went to South America to visit her family. Upon returning and me completing my course, she was messaging a guy a lot. I asked who it was and she declared it was her cousin after some hesitation. This ate away at me for a while. A week later when she was in the shower, I tried to set up a Netflix video when I saw her Email opened. I immediately noticed a 40 message Email chain from this cousin of hers. I was heart broken, they talked back and forth about how amazing their night was, the kiss, her family life and how her parents (divorced) met in the same fashion. Nothing in those Emails mentioned my name, and they trailed into them making plans to meet in February on a vacation, traveling the world together, and wishing they were holding each other. She used the same lines she always says to me... to a guy she met for a few hours on her last night. There were kissing faces sent, hearts, and also questions about when the University school year start so she could do her masters over there. She also messaged him the day I was back, and in front of me in the car.

 

I kept this quiet for a couple of weeks, hoping she'd confess after hearing how much I love her and my plans of her moving in with me. Nothing happened. I broke down when she went out with her work colleagues, got wasted and didn't know where she was at 0330. I picked her up and asked again about this guy. She denied everything until I gave her a printout of the Emails, then dismissed them as though it meant nothing.

 

I broke up with her, told her parents and my own. I know it's bad to take stuff out of the relationship, but I had no one to talk to or justify the breakup. My parents were saddened, and were shocked. I forgave her, and have hung out with her for a week before Christmas and visited her for few days ago. Now I'm in a different State, 3000km away.

 

This is where it gets tricky. I listened to my soft heart and got back with her in that timeframe after hearing her beg and plea, promising to move to my State, live with me and do her Masters, stating that she's fully committed and was just scared about making the leap. She's apparently fully opened up to me and is 100% vulnerable. She's been pestering me to get therapy for dealing with these situations, but honestly, I don't need to be 'fixed' in that respect. I went to therapy with her to only be told that I pushed her away from being gone and stressing her out when I was assessed, and for saying hurtful things and bringing up the past. Even so, it doesn't justify cheating. She didn't even tell the therapist of her emotional cheating, but she had the nerve to make plans to break up with me in a public place after I got back, suggested by the therapist (that never happened, she probably had second thoughts).

 

So here I am, she wants to visit in April, and move here in August for school. She'd be relying on me for housing and food benefits, looking to start from scratch. Sounds great, but I've been having sleepless nights for the past three months. I always feel that I have to check up on her, question her, look through her phone... I basically can't trust her. I know I can't have a relationship without trust, so that leaves me to the questions...

 

Should I void what I stand for? Do I bank this atrocity on love? Can I even trust her again? How do I end it before she commits to school? I love her, but I have a feeling this is going to make me suffer for the rest of my life. my brain tells me to get out, and I need to do it fast somehow, despite how good our feelings are right now.

 

I apologize for the flip-flopping, I'm just in a state of confusion. Thanks all.

[Crazyninja]

She sounds like trouble... Do you need that in your life?

 

 

 

 

When you need to make a hard disision Flip a coin, when its in the air you suddenly know what your hoping for...

[lolablue17]

Looks like a pattern to me. You are so young. Don't invest yourself with her anymore. Unless you're Ok with cheating, lying and deception.

Edited January 2, 2016 by lolablue17

[Bryanp]

Get tested for STD's.

 

Leave her now.

Edited January 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MJJean]

She's a serial cheater and liar. She has learned that she can pretty much do as she pleases and if you catch her all she has to do is turn on the crocodile tears, beg a bit, and all is forgiven. If you go ahead and let her move to live with you, you'll bitterly regret it.

 

Walk away. Now. Trust me. If you don't, you'll be on a forum in a few years talking about how you're miserable supporting your cheating wife, but can't leave because you're stuck until the kid(s) grow up. And you'll be questioning their paternity while you're at it.

[TX-SC]

Use your brain instead of your heart. She has cheated multiple times and she WILL cheat again. She just wants to use you while completing her Masters. Man, please, don't do this to yourself. Go find a good girl. There are tons of them out there loooking for a good man.

[Mr. Lucky]

After the first module of my training, I took her to my friends cottage where she got absolutely hammered. I was warned by a friend that she was being flirty, so I pretended to sleep on the couch, and saw her wrap her arms around another friend an tried to kiss him on the lips - he pushed her away.

 

Strike one.

 

At the end of the summer, I started the second module of my course. I was about to go away for a week in the field, when she drunkenly texted me and told me 'I'm done', hours before I left the a week without a phone. This, on top of the stresses of sleep deprivation made it a lot worse than it should have been.

 

Strike two.

 

A week later when she was in the shower, I tried to set up a Netflix video when I saw her Email opened. I immediately noticed a 40 message Email chain from this cousin of hers. I was heart broken, they talked back and forth about how amazing their night was, the kiss, her family life and how her parents (divorced) met in the same fashion. Nothing in those Emails mentioned my name, and they trailed into them making plans to meet in February on a vacation, traveling the world together, and wishing they were holding each other. She used the same lines she always says to me... to a guy she met for a few hours on her last night. There were kissing faces sent, hearts, and also questions about when the University school year start so she could do her masters over there. She also messaged him the day I was back, and in front of me in the car.

 

Strike three. She's out. But wait...

 

I broke down when she went out with her work colleagues, got wasted and didn't know where she was at 0330.

 

Strike four. Really?!?

 

She didn't even tell the therapist of her emotional cheating, but she had the nerve to make plans to break up with me in a public place after I got back, suggested by the therapist (that never happened, she probably had second thoughts).

 

WTF? Strike five?

 

Not sure what to say...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

You've chosen a career that can be incredibly hard on marriages. It takes a certain kind of woman to be a happy & 'good' military wife.

 

Let's be honest...it's dangerous for you to have your mind so occupied with what she's up to when you're not there to keep an eye on her...she even cheats when you're THERE with her!!

 

I'm so sorry but I think you know what you need to do.

[understand50]

PathToExile,

 

If you are serious about your career, she is just not the right woman for you. Until she grows up and see herself holding to some morals, she will just cause you problems.

 

Wish you luck

[jnel921]

I agree with Shattered lady, the military life is tough on many couples and it sounds like your GF likes to play while the cat is away. She apparently doesn't have any boundaries so who knows who the next affair would be with.

 

You are better off starting your career on a fresh clean path. You are too young to go through anything like that. Having a person in your life who has already lied and cheated isn't good. You had that soft spot and went looking to have her back. Now harden your heart and let her go.

 

If you are worried and on the alert now then that is not a good sign. Someone who loves and respects you will never make you feel that way. You are her meal ticket, don't let her take any more advantage of you and your heart as she already has.

 

If it was meant to be maybe years from now you will meet again and hopefully she would have learned and changed.

 

Good Luck

[bubbaganoosh]

All you need is a bag of popcorn and a cold drink to get a first hand preview of what your life is in store for being with her.

 

Now you ask yourself if this is what you want and if you can do better. Yeah she might be gorgeous, smart and fun, but she's also a liar, cheat, and untrustworthy so you have a choice to make.

 

Stick with her and have a nightmare of a life or find someone with better qualities and values. Your choice. She's never going to change and she's proved it over and over. Dump her and move on.

[farsidejunky]

As a retired Soldier, I can tell you that a career in the military is extremely difficult, especially with the recent changes in streamlining of the force.

 

You DO NOT need this in your life. The idea behind dating is to test for compatibility. She is not conservative.

 

Beauty is fleeting; character is forever.

[PathToExile]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies. I've had a busy day running errands, so I didn't have the time to post right away.

 

She sounds like trouble... Do you need that in your life?

 

When you need to make a hard disision Flip a coin, when its in the air you suddenly know what your hoping for...

 

I really like your coin flip analogy, I know the exact feeling, and I'm pretty sure it fits the glove quite well.

 

She's a serial cheater and liar. She has learned that she can pretty much do as she pleases and if you catch her all she has to do is turn on the crocodile tears, beg a bit, and all is forgiven. If you go ahead and let her move to live with you, you'll bitterly regret it.

 

Walk away. Now. Trust me. If you don't, you'll be on a forum in a few years talking about how you're miserable supporting your cheating wife, but can't leave because you're stuck until the kid(s) grow up. And you'll be questioning their paternity while you're at it.

 

Yeah, looking at the pattern is pretty sickening. I'm genuinely a nice person and look for the best in even the worst situations. While that behaviour is good for work, it's terrible for relationships in this application. You're right, I don't want to post about my life gone to crap, if anything, I want to take this as a learning experience and help others on this forum.

 

Use your brain instead of your heart. She has cheated multiple times and she WILL cheat again. She just wants to use you while completing her Masters. Man, please, don't do this to yourself. Go find a good girl. There are tons of them out there loooking for a good man.

 

Thanks, I need to hear these things from someone else. She was willing to ditch everything we had to do her Masters in South America, I guess that pipe dream fell through, and now she thinks she has the ability to get it while having emotional support and discounted rent/food. I'm a mere convenience.

 

WTF? Strike five?

 

Not sure what to say...

 

I have a pretty good idea... I'm a push over, but not for much longer.

 

Let's be honest...it's dangerous for you to have your mind so occupied with what she's up to when you're not there to keep an eye on her...she even cheats when you're THERE with her!!

 

I'm so sorry but I think you know what you need to do.

 

I agree, it's in the mail, and it's coming very soon.

 

If you are serious about your career, she is just not the right woman for you. Until she grows up and see herself holding to some morals, she will just cause you problems.

 

Wish you luck

 

I totally am serious about my career. I worked so hard to lose weight, get fit, and perform the best I can for my country. I don't need negative distractions in my life, because it could mean the life of another soldier. In my opinion, the thought of her growing up is what dragged me on for such a long period of time, thinking that she would change. Definitely a risky state of mind.

 

All you need is a bag of popcorn and a cold drink to get a first hand preview of what your life is in store for being with her.

 

Now you ask yourself if this is what you want and if you can do better. Yeah she might be gorgeous, smart and fun, but she's also a liar, cheat, and untrustworthy so you have a choice to make.

 

Stick with her and have a nightmare of a life or find someone with better qualities and values. Your choice. She's never going to change and she's proved it over and over. Dump her and move on.

 

I'm going to go with the latter, thanks a bunch!

 

 

As a retired Soldier, I can tell you that a career in the military is extremely difficult, especially with the recent changes in streamlining of the force.

 

You DO NOT need this in your life. The idea behind dating is to test for compatibility. She is not conservative.

 

Beauty is fleeting; character is forever.

 

Your view definitely means a lot. I'm the only military personnel in my family, so I can't really relate to anyone. She failed the test, and I really like your last line... I may use that for future quotes if that's okay with you.

 

I apologize for not giving due recognition for the quotes. I'm using my phone to type this, as I don't have my computer yet.

 

Breaking news... she just called me as I was typing this message. She was crying, and tried to turn it on ME, saying I broke her heart. I admit that I thought I could give her another chance but after being alone and away, the feelings of distrust grew larger and larger. I can't have those feelings in my head when I'm overseas or gone for training. I'd be dead weight. She 'opened up to me and was vulnerable', 1.5 years too late. What do you guys think? It's done.

[cja]

Take a couple deep breaths and then breathe a sigh of relief. You dodged a bullet and really you are probably doing your ex a favor. By firmly rejecting her repeated inappropriate and deceitful behavior, she may finally look inward and face that selfish and immature part of herself so she can learn and grow beyond it. The only lesson she would receive from being given yet another chance is to continue to justify immature behavior. So more of the same. As counter intuitive as it may seem, breaking up with her may actually be the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for her. Keep your head up, you are doing a good thing. As an aside, I'm only finally wrapping my head around this concept myself. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is let go.

Edited January 3, 2016 by cja

[PathToExile]

Take a couple deep breaths and then breathe a sigh of relief. You dodged a bullet and really you are probably doing your ex a favor. By firmly rejecting her repeated inappropriate and deceitful behavior, she may finally look inward and face that selfish and immature part of herself so she can learn and grow beyond it. The only lesson she would receive from being given yet another chance is to continue to justify immature behavior. So more of the same. As counter intuitive as it may seem, breaking up with her may actually be the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for her. Keep your head up, you are doing a good thing. As an aside, I'm only finally wrapping my head around this concept myself. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is let go.

 

I just felt the sigh of relief. It took a lot of 'I can't' and 'you can have a billion dollar house (perfect love), but if it's on a foundation of sand (no trust), then it will sink (the relationship). Your reference to breaking up being a compassionate favor is very poetic. I told her that I love her, and that I don't hate her as a person (all of which is true), but I can't trust her and be in a relationship with her. I suggested her to take the next steps of doing her Masters in her home town, maintaining a good diet, seeing friends and family and using her lessons learned for new relationships. After the crying, the breakup was kind of like a positive ending to a tragic movie. I feel a lot better now, I won't have to sulk my way to sleep every night until the early hours of the day, and I feel relief.

 

Any thoughts or comments? I'm going to use this experience to help other people on this forum. You guys/gals are like running water - everyone expects the help, but when it's not there, crap hits the fan. Therefore, I'd like to thank everyone in this thread for being there for me, you're a special bunch!

[Popsicle]

Tell the guys you are in training with about her behavior. See if they say to stay with her. Sheesh you're acting like she's your wife and no other girl exists on the planet. Dump her!

[Ladyjane14]

I just felt the sigh of relief. It took a lot of 'I can't' and 'you can have a billion dollar house (perfect love), but if it's on a foundation of sand (no trust), then it will sink (the relationship). Your reference to breaking up being a compassionate favor is very poetic. I told her that I love her, and that I don't hate her as a person (all of which is true), but I can't trust her and be in a relationship with her. I suggested her to take the next steps of doing her Masters in her home town, maintaining a good diet, seeing friends and family and using her lessons learned for new relationships. After the crying, the breakup was kind of like a positive ending to a tragic movie. I feel a lot better now, I won't have to sulk my way to sleep every night until the early hours of the day, and I feel relief.

Any thoughts or comments? I'm going to use this experience to help other people on this forum. You guys/gals are like running water - everyone expects the help, but when it's not there, crap hits the fan. Therefore, I'd like to thank everyone in this thread for being there for me, you're a special bunch!

 

Yeah, actually... You're going to feel moments of weakness/loneliness where you wonder if you did the right thing. You did. You don't want to be dealing with this **** again in 15 years with kids to think about. So set yourself up a bail-out plan for when those moments happen, like how an alcoholic has a "sponser", someone you can call for support during those low moments in real life.

 

Make your next contact with her your last one. Clean breaks are the best, not only for you, but for the one you're breaking up with. You don't want to have to wonder every time you look at your phone or email if there's going to be some unpleasantness, so make it clear during that final exchange that you do consider it final.

 

And read a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman before you get this serious with someone again. It'll help you know what to look for in a potential mate.

[Binster]

Not one person on this thread thinks you have done the wrong thing.

 

 

Does that tell you something.

 

 

"A positive ending to a tragic movie"

 

 

It could so easily have been a tragic beginning to a terrible marriage.

 

 

Good luck to you mate you dodged a bullet.

[Bryanp]

I disagree!.......You did not break her heart because she never had one to begin with. There is an old saying which is quite valid in your case:

You judge a person by their actions and not be their words. Her actions spoke volumes.

[aliveagain]

Friend, your making the military your life career, you can't have a partner that isn't as committed to your career as you. You need to be with someone you can trust to have your back. How can you be away and at your best if your worried about what your spouse is up to back home? This is absolutely the wrong partner to be with in your career. Loose her number.

[PathToExile]

Yeah, actually... You're going to feel moments of weakness/loneliness where you wonder if you did the right thing. You did. You don't want to be dealing with this **** again in 15 years with kids to think about. So set yourself up a bail-out plan for when those moments happen, like how an alcoholic has a "sponser", someone you can call for support during those low moments in real life.

 

Make your next contact with her your last one. Clean breaks are the best, not only for you, but for the one you're breaking up with. You don't want to have to wonder every time you look at your phone or email if there's going to be some unpleasantness, so make it clear during that final exchange that you do consider it final.

 

And read a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman before you get this serious with someone again. It'll help you know what to look for in a potential mate.

 

I do get spurts of weakness, but I just think back to you guys and the posts you made. It's making it a lot easier than I expected. I think I just got the last contact with her, either way, it's going to trail off into nothing. Will do, I'm an avid book reader, so it won't be a problem!

 

 

I disagree!.......You did not break her heart because she never had one to begin with. There is an old saying which is quite valid in your case:

You judge a person by their actions and not be their words. Her actions spoke volumes.

 

I like it, I've known about that saying for some time, but I forgot it in this mess.

 

Friend, your making the military your life career, you can't have a partner that isn't as committed to your career as you. You need to be with someone you can trust to have your back. How can you be away and at your best if your worried about what your spouse is up to back home? This is absolutely the wrong partner to be with in your career. Loose her number.

 

Exact same thoughts I had. Will do, partner.

 

I'm not going to actively search for people, I just want to be alone and work on myself and get back into the hobbies I love. Cheers lads/ladies!

[TX-SC]

Very good choice. Unfortunately, some people are simply not adult enough for a lasting, monogamous relationship. She has used you so much and you have taken it. Now it's time for you to move on to someone who will appreciate you. But, for now, focus on your career. Love always found me. When I went lookong for it, it never really worked out.