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2 year affair with a Professor and things are changing...

InfidelityWoman

By InfidelityWoman,
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InfidelityWoman

InfidelityWoman

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Disclaimer: I am the other woman and my following account may anger and/or garner vitriole. I am what I am in terms of the relationship and what I have been doing for the past 2 years. I am coming here with the understanding that this is an open forum for people from different areas in this circle of infidelity. I would like help for a specific situation and especially advice from those who have lot of experience with infidelity as the other woman or man. This is my first time and may be my last.

 

Background: I was neglected as a child. I was the scapegoat to my Nmom (narcissistic mother) who always blamed me for any stresses going on in her life and would point out to me that I was always a mistake. My father spanked me on my 4th birthday for jumping up and down on a couch because I was happy. After I graduated from middle school, I was barred from sports and was forced to focus primarily on my studies alone. When I failed my primary tests, I was beat with a rod on my thighs and my butt until welts would form. If I complained about it a week later, I would be beat upside the head, which was in many ways, worse. During all this, I never learned to detect the moods of my Nmom and was therefore, punished severely for it. My two younger siblings figured out in elementary school when they could get punished less and when they would get punished more. I failed to understand these patterns and my siblings would witness the oldest always getting hit far more than they received. In 12th grade, I gave attitude to my father by saying "What the Hell!" when he moved my stuff where I couldn't find it and he considered the "Hell" to be directed at him and proceeded to punch me in the head repeatedly while pulling my hair. As I backed away from this, he continued to pummel my body and my head multiple times until he was finally satisfied. A decade later, he would ask forgiveness by hinting this act, but he never admitted it as it would make him feel too guilty.

 

My younger brother, the middle child, the good-looking one and the prodigal son would get the most leeway. He was the golden child to my Nmom. The one who could do no wrong-- at least less wrong than my sister and I. He pushed the boundaries for the rest of us, but we begrudged him for being treated better and for being able to get away with so much. Even to this day, I hold things against him though it was no fault of his own. He was the favorite child of my Nmom and was explicitly stated so by her many times each year. He would later fail out of college two times, fail to hold a job, and after three failures of these, my Nmom saw no hope and use for the golden child and he would become a pawn just like the rest of us. The youngest, my younger sisterm would then become the golden child of my Nmom. She would try to use her, but to her, my Nmom would gift our main family car for a measly $2800 ($5000 car that none of us had choice of bidding for), send her on a free trip to the midwest, send her on a round trip to Asia, and send a regular monthly stipend of $200/month wired to her bank account. My brother and I would receive no such help or treatment. Having been both abandoned by my parents long ago and having sent half of my fulltime check to her because of my parents' begging and the desire to be loved and accepted by them for once. I ended up putting myself into 100k worth of debt in the states aside from the 45k student loans that I paid 3/4 of already. I got out of this mire by getting a different job after living below the poverty line for six long months. The new job allowed me to gain a livable wage, while giving me a better location and work to cope from this mounting debt that I put myself into. Through this cumulative experience and others like the time my mother threatened to abandon us in a drunken stupor and leaving with the car only to come back the next morning after somehow talking out of a drunk driving ticket, I knew never to trust in others for affection. I set up permanent emotional barriers to protect myself because without them, I felt I would crumble or lose my mind. This, I never told anyone. My family was oblivious and my friends never noticed. If others knew, I never knew they knew.

 

 

Story:

 

I have been dating a Japanese man who I met through an online TESOL service. I hold a Masters from UW and am working on the PhD program to hopefully gain professorship for either a research or teaching position. I had been privately tutoring this individual on English grammar and speech. This man, I got to know on a very personal level. He is an introvert, but he gradually opened up to me as our lessons progressed. In six months of contact, I had become good friends with this man as far as Skype calls allowed us to have. It was, however, strictly platonic since I wanted to maintain that. I learned that he was a Japanese professor from Tokyo. I had no idea that someone so educated would take tutoring lessons online, but I found out it was due to his shyness. On holiday, he invited me over to a nearby city, saying that he would be in the states on a business trip. I later learned that he had been taking a sabbatical in the states for the past year and was not taking a business trip from Japan. He had lied here, but I found it to be a minor lie and ignored it. He later invited me to his hotel and then I knew where this was headed. I had four other relationships, but I never slept around, so I didn't even know this was his plan all along but by the time I was invited to the hotel, I knew that this was going to happen and I let it. I already knew he had been married for over a decade to another older woman. I was younger and academically smarter and these two factors appealed to him. I was very attracted to him after this direct approach. The confidence he had was unexpected and welcome. I began to regularly sleep with him weekly and after just four weeks, I began to sleep with him daily. We'd share our lives to each other as we'd always done, but it soon got deeper as our relationship progressed. I talked about cutting relations with my mother and father and the impact it had on me. I talked about my siblings and our shared past. I talked about my debts and struggles with maintaining a stable life. I opened up to him far more than I did with anyone in my life, since the age of eight. In our 2nd anniversary, I noticed a change in the past month of him seeing me less. Now, I see him maybe every two days and the times I see him, we might not even have sex. He brushes me off like I'm too hard to deal with and doesn't text me back like he used to. He used to text me back immediately, especially the first year. On New Year's Day after I celebrated it alone, since he had to go see his wife according to him, I texted him right after midnight. He texted me back the next day with a belated happy new year's and a short brief message: Belated Happy New Years. See you in the 2nd. I will be busy until then. So, this marks another day where I never even see or interact with him.

 

Six months ago, he talked about marriage with me and having kids. His wife is infertile and it has affected his decision in staying with her. He is an economist and maybe that has to do with his cold, rational thinking. At same time, who am I to judge as I have participated in his infidelity for two years now. I said I wasn't interested in having kids ever and it seems to have affected his decision on divorcing his wife and marrying me. I don't know what to think and why it would be important to have kids when his wife is infertile. At the moment, he is none at all interested in marrying me and divorcing his wife after I gave him my firm answer multiple times. However, a month after the firm answer, I had run out of funds for the PhD program in terms of rent and tuition and after asking for emergency help to continue my studies, he offered to pay full tuition and did and wired over $100,000 USD to cover tuition and rent for one year. Through this act, I was secure in the knowledge that he loves me, but lately things have changed. The past three weeks, he has ignored me physically and mentally. We chat, but it's not the same. I'm thinking that it's going to be over and this infidelity is going to end. I love him so much and he's the only man I've ever loved and even considered marrying. I've had four other relationships, but they were never serious and I told all of them I'd never marry and they shouldn't consider marrying me. Of these four, two of my longtime boyfriends wanted to marry me even though I told him many months ago that marriage was off the table. He persisted and then we broke it off. This is the only time, I've ever felt emotionally close to someone and losing this would make me so broken. I don't know if I could ever go through this again. I've never have. I know all this talk of heartbreak and wanting to kill oneself, but hear me out. I love this man and this is the only man I've ever loved and removed emotional barriers to since I was eight. I've been closer to this man than any family member or friend I've ever had. I don't know what to do and I can't stay quiet any longer. Any help would be appreciated? Some friends recommended therapy to go past my past emotional scarring, but I don't feel confident in therapists and don't feel comfortable sharing at all. I've done fine for myself given the circumstances as I've been the only one of my family to hold a stable job for more than three years and am on the way to become a professor if I complete the PhD program at my uni.

 

 

I know I'm the embodiment of Satan to wives, but I'm also human and we are all victims in the end,

The Other Woman

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sandylee1

sandylee1

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He's lost interest as you don't want kids. Just because his wife can't have kids doesn't mean he's happy with that situation... you don't offer enough for him to leave the marriage... it's that simple.

 

Time to move on.

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gwaimui

gwaimui

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Hi IW,

 

I don't think you are going to be judged by having an A, as we are in the TOW/M forum, but you will probably hear things you will not like, but its not coming from a bad place, but from people who have been there.

 

I had several "special" friends who are Professors from Asia. Not Japan, but China. Anyway, while its nice that your professor friend gave you $100,000 to help with tuition, but don't confuse it with love, it just means he can afford to keep you. My first friend, an Engineering professor from China had lots of money. He gifted me, wined and dined me, you name it. It wasn't because he loved me, but in Asian culture, rich and powerful men have mistresses and spend money to keep them. It's an ego thing for them, and money is no big deal for them. I thought he liked me because I am a smart university educated girl, while his wife was backward and from "the old country". Turns out he had other Chinese mistresses, but having a white girl as a mistress was a prize. *rolls eyes*

 

My engineering professor friend eventually went back to China with his wife and family. It didn't hurt me so much as he was older and just a friend who I played with. I didn't love him.

 

The next friend also became a professor, but this one really messed with my head. He was handsome and charming and knew what to say to me...to get things out of me. He was doing his Ph.D in the same field in university as I was although he was a grad student and I did my 2nd degree in a different field. Anyways, I thought he wanted my help with his thesis because I was smart and he respected my intelligence. He just wanted someone to do the work for him for no credit. I put in hours and hours of research, fieldwork, editing and materials and when we went to his dissertation defense, he didn't even acknowledge me, but thanked people who, say gave him a picture for his appendices. Anyway, I did everything for him, he stayed at my place when he was visiting from China, I bought his groceries, drove him around, did his laundry and gave him sexual services, and for what? Empty promises and flattery was his payment. This one hurt me because I thought he liked me. But no, it was all about his needs and ego. He is a professor at one of the top schools in China selling his BS to other stupid girls.

 

 

Anyway....the moral of the story is you are not a bad person, but you need to think about your wellbeing first. I have been involved with a few professors from Asia. These guys have money and power and will use you for their own needs. When you no longer satisfy their needs, it's see you. They won't leave their wives, because "saving face" is important, they have to have a good image in public as good family men, but behind closed doors, it is acceptable and even expected to have a mistress. She is not number 1 in his life, just some entertainment. If you are okay with being his side piece and plaything, that is fine, you are a grown adult. It might have benefits, such as recommendations, financial help etc, but in the end is it worth that if you actually have feelings for him?

 

You have had a rough past, and I am sorry for that, but you are only responsible for you. Treat yourself with respect and ask yourself what you are willing and not willing to put up with. Only you can decide that.

 

Good Luck.

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cocorico

cocorico

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IW,

 

It sounds as if the A has run its course.

 

If your FOO issues are affecting your relationships, IC may be a better long-term solution than relationships that leave you unfulfilled.

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lemondrop21

lemondrop21

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I'm so sorry to read about your struggles. It sounds as if this is not the first time you've hit rock bottom in life, due to family circumstances out of your control. The only advice I can offer you is to remember that you survived those times, and to try and channel that inner strength again. Others might not be able to get through this type of OW situation, but after reading your story, I know that you can. You have resilience, dear, the kind that comes from having been truly tested in life. Hold yourself, comfort yourself, soothe yourself in the way that you tragically have had to do from a very young age. God bless you and best of luck. You will make it through.

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loveboid

loveboid

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What the hell do you want? For the guy who wants kids to marry the gal who doesn't? Does that even make sense? And don't say, "No, but...."

 

Get back into the real world.

 

Here is something I've learned. Love is subjective. You say you love him. Well let me tell you...that's something for him to decide. He wants kids...you don't...that means to him you don't love him. End of story.

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girla

girla

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He lost interest as you already expressed you don't want children, why would he divorce his wife if he will be in the same situation with you.

Sorry I know you have feelings for him but you have to move on if you are not willing to change your mind about having children as for him is a priority!

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WNYer

WNYer

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I am in the exact same boat as far as 2 years and now it seems like he is backing away. It also seems like its on his time not mine. Its frustrating and painful and it suck. Its an emotional rollercoaster

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  • 2 weeks later...
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InfidelityWoman

InfidelityWoman

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Thank you all for your helpful responses. I never expected such detailed responses and especially an experienced response from Gwaimul that parallels my situation.

 

Thank you Loveboid for the tough love, real response that I needed as well.

 

As to Popsicle, I don't care about the money. My priority is the relationship and it's been affecting my studies and my health just thinking about it the past few weeks.

 

I hope the response helps others who end up in a similar situation. WNYer, good luck to you as well.

 

I will learn from this and make better choices next time. Thank you again for your responses as they've been really helpful and supportive.

 

-Signing out,

 

InfidelityWoman

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VeveCakes

VeveCakes

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I think it's crazy he paid your tuition and gave you that money. What a gift. Someday you better pay that forward although not necessarily to that extent.

 

If he's backing off I suggest you do the same. You know men just want you more when they see you slip away.

 

Anyways, what's in the future? You don't want kids and he does. Life choice time.

Edited by VeveCakes
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HereNorThere

HereNorThere

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It sounds like you have been paid in full and your services will no longer be needed. I'm sure he'll give you a good reference if you ever need one.

 

Btw, wired 100,000 dollars? What's the tax rate on that? Did you file the appropriate paperwork for your transaction? You would have to file for the income as well as reporting the over 9000 dollar transaction. You realize that paper work would come back to his wife if they have joint finances, right? Did he wire the money in bitcoins?

 

You should take that money and invest in legal weed or something.

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RySant

RySant

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T

As to Popsicle, I don't care about the money. My priority is the relationship and it's been affecting my studies and my health just thinking about it the past few weeks.

 

 

Hmmm, I care about the money though hahaha!! If I am going to be a, in your words, a "plaything" for someone, I will never feel guilty getting that amount of money from that person.

 

Well, anyway, this is the hardest part in all affairs: Being attached.

 

Let it go. Have no contact. He'll never leave his wife, because like people have said here, divorce is very much taboo in Asia.

 

Trust me on this. I am ASIAN myself :p

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