Why won't my ex leave me alone?

[SephirothX]

I went through a painful breakup back in June and spent two months trying to get back together while he found himself another guy within a month of the breakup. I came here for some advice and then I cut contact around the third week of August and haven't spoken to him since. Since then he has contacted me on five separate occasions:

 

1) Early September by text on my holiday phone number to ask if I am enjoying my holiday.

2) Late September by Facebook to ask if I had a good holiday. (He wasn't blocked at the time)

3) Mid November by text on my holiday phone number with the address of where I work asking if that's correct. (I saw this a week later as I wasn't on any holidays at the time)

4) Two days after Christmas to wish me a happy Christmas and early happy new year. I thought great, I won't get another in the new year! Oh how wrong.

5) Tonight - an 11 paragraph e-mail with a new song he likes attached. It's new year, new start! So he thinks. Admittedly only 4 of the paragraphs were meaty and the rest one liners but still. That's a lot to type to someone who doesn't wish to speak to you who may have your e-mail address blocked.

 

In #5 he talks about how he regrets the way he treated me during/after the breakup and how he'd do things differently if he could go back to June. Apologising for it, accepting blame etc. Apparently he feels quite guilty and how us not speaking has left an empty place in his life where all the fun we had used to be. Oh his new boyfriend didn't fill that gap? Poor him. There's no talk of a second chance, more he wants to know how I am and whether I'm moving on and happy.

 

#6 will no doubt be around my birthday in February, though I wasn't expecting #5 until then so who knows. Bit worried he'll turn up outside my office one day since I keep ignoring his online/text attempts to speak to me.

 

So can anyone explain what his game is? I've long suspected he's not fully happy with his current boyfriend as he logs into a dating site we're both on with his single profile almost daily. Is this all a sign that he misses me and it's only a matter of time before he attempts to reconcile? My mate who helped me through the breakup seems to think he wants me back but I disagree as there was no hint of that in his e-mail. The breakup was six months ago and his current relationship is five months old so I've stopped seeing that as a rebound and figured he'd disappear due to having moved on and being happy with his current partner.

 

I have been tempted to reply to his e-mail with nastiness but I stopped short as I don't see what that will achieve other than confirm I'm still alive and moved on. I would rather he knew nothing about my current life. Mystery keeps him thinking. I do however want him to stop contacting me. I haven't blocked him everywhere in case he does want to reconcile at some point.

 

Myself I feel over the breakup and what I miss isn't specifically him, but the things that being in a relationship brings as opposed to the single life I have now. I was happier back then. I wouldn't rule out taking him back if I weren't dating anyone else at the time as he didn't do anything that can't be forgiven such as cheat and despite the things that happened afterwards he was a good partner and those are hard to find in the gay world.

 

I do rule out being friends for at least a few years however. Even though he said in his e-mail he wouldn't do what he did again that caused me to stop speaking to him, it feels way too soon. I certainly wouldn't want to attempt a friendship until I am in a relationship that is better than what we had and the only candidate that has come close since June decided to tell me on new year's day he didn't want to see me again. Lovely!

 

So what are your thoughts on this? Am I handling this situation correctly?

[five2nine]

Yeah I think you're doing well. Stay NC and keep him guessing. Unless he specifies wanting another chance, I think he just wants attention from you. Don't go there unless you are really over him abd it wouldn't affect you at all.

[LilMama1097]

I applaud your strength and self control! Keep it up! You're doing amazing!

[SephirothX]

Thanks guys.

 

I think you're probably right. His new guy probably isn't satisfying him enough as they have very little in common compared to us, so he's probably missing the fun more than anything. I was all he had and now his new guy is all he has so what he has now is almost certainly less. He needs friends and while I could do with more myself I've been working hard to do that without the need to come back to him.

 

I made clear in August that I'd only speak to him again if his relationship had come to an end and while I do admire his ability to finally admit responsibility for his actions and apologise I think I need to stick to my word and not respond.

 

He clearly can't seem to let go so I think if that relationship does end he'll be straight back here. The mystery is whether it will be too late or not for him. I tend to be picky so I could well be single for quite a while but I'm certainly not holding out for reconciliation.

[SephirothX]

I feel like this contact has set me back months.

 

When he sent me one line texts I thought nothing of it and carried on with my day but the 557 word e-mail on the 2nd has made me do stupid things. I have refrained from replying and don't intend to under any circumstances as it's just a giant pile of breadcrumbs.

 

But I've spent my days since then rereading it to the point I've memorised most of what he said, and I've been analysing the sentences, Googling articles on intent and why he might be messaging me saying such things, even reading into the lyrics of the song he sent me as he had a tendency to use songs to convey feelings post breakup before I went no contact. I've had no urge to listen to it though. Even been stalking his dating profile to gauge how often he logs in to figure out how happy he is in his relationship (turns out 1-3 times per day).

 

I feel like I'm back to where I was in September. But it may just be temporary? Maybe I just miss him and still have that slight hope he'll come running back at some point. It doesn't help that his actions are of a man who may well do just that.

[Simon Phoenix]

If contact sets you back, then why are you allowing him access? You need to delete what has already been sent and block him from sending you anything else. It's good that you aren't responding, but you aren't doing No Contact completely if you aren't blocking.

 

Stop messing around and execute the block. Make him make an actual effort to contact you. Don't make it easy like you have been.

[SephirothX]

That's the logical thing to do but when I went no contact I told him I would refrain from blocking him. But I also made clear that I didn't want to hear from him unless he wants reconciliation and to see if I would be interested, and he has ignored that.

 

Given that - and if the shoe was on the other foot. If I messaged someone with an attempt at reconciliation and they did not respond my assumption wouldn't be that they've blocked me (because they said they wouldn't block), but that they don't wish to reconcile. I suppose that was a mistake I made back then - stating I wouldn't use blocks.

 

I think I just need to keep myself busy and continue on as if he never sent the e-mail. Sure I could delete it but I can't erase the words from my memory. I don't even need to read it again at this point to know what it said. I guess in a month or two that may not be the case so deleting it is a future investment.