How to cure my jealousy?

[RichHobo]

VERY Simple question:

 

I love my GF to death and I trust her with all my heart.. But I think she's "too" friendly with his guy friends. She has about 3-4 close guy friends and i'm friends with 2 of them. I know she doesnt like them, but I think she spends too much time with them (not alone, but..). Sometimes I just see them laughing and joking around a lot and I dunno why, but that triggers my jealousy. Also, they spend a lot of time talking on the phone and stuff. She will never cheat on my or anything, since I know she doesn't like any other guys. But I would just like to know how to cure my jealousy problem. I don't like being jealous of her guy friends, but sometimes I can't help it. I mean, she sees me friendly flirting and stuff with some of my friends who are girls but she isn't jealous AT ALL... I'm just really confused..

 

Thanks in advance

[HokeyReligions]

When you start feeling jealous just remind youself of how much you trust her. Build your own self-confidence -- identify why you may feel insecure, is there something about yourself that you think could be improved, or could be a reason for her to cheat, or that you think she doesn't like about you? Work on it, change it, or allow yourself to love it and not care if others don't.

[Fool In Love]

well, there's no such thing as friendly flirting. Flirting is flirting period. You shouldn't do anything with you're friends that are girls that you wouldn't do with your friends that are guys, otherwise it's more than a friend thing. Same goes for her too, she shouldn't do anything with her guy friends that she wouldn't do with her girlfriends. The problem is, girls are more touchy, even with their friends that are girls. They are willing to hug their friends of the same sex, however guys will not hug their guy friends. You just might misinterpret what she's does as flirting, so you should really think about it, and if it still bothers you, than it's a problem and you should talk to her about it. If their are certain things you don't want them doing, or certain things you don't want them joking around about, than speak up. She might feel the same way about your friends that are girls and she just might not say anything. Some people are better at hiding their feelings than others. It also depends on what kind of people her guy friends are too. Are they cool dudes, or are they creeps? You might not trust these guys, and that could be part of the problem, you never know.

 

I know, it's a difficult situation. I'd always get jealous of my BF's friends of the opposite sex, but he'd never be bothered by my guy friends. It always seemed like he was flirtatious with his opposite sex friends, when I thought I never behaved that way with my friends. We've talked about it constantly, and I found out he was actually bothered by certain things to. You have to compromise...

 

But yeah don't listen to me, I'm a jealous, nervous wreck when it comes to love.

[scarlyjones]

you cant "cure" it. Hmmmm,...maybe you worry because you KNOW that these guys want to get with your GF. Most "guy" friends do. I love male friends,..but,...its not a shocker to anyone that they all want to nail the female friend. I think you KNOW that and thats whats bothering you. If you know SHE wont have it,.....then I wouldnt worry. Plus,..if she does cheat on you,.....that just proves that she was the TYPE THAT CHEATS and you didnt need her anyway.

[RichHobo]

Umm.. Her guy friends doesnt "want" her bcuz they have their own gfs and one of em is gay.. lol Well i guess i can just think about how much i love and trust her, that'll probably help it.. hopefully

[scarlyjones]

News flash, pal..............having a GF has NOTHING to do with whether they want your GF or not. If shes hot,....they wanna nail her,...end of freakin story. And that thing about the other friend of hers being "gay"..............I find it sooo funny how EVERYTIME there is a "girlfriend having male friends" issue,.....she always says atleast ONE of them is gay. It happens so often its actually become "sitcom" worthy cliche'. It may happen from time to time,...but lets call a duck a duck. Its bullsh*t. Ok,.....Im a girl. Im quite social. Im attractive. Have lots of friends. I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET A GAY MAN. NONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE EITHER. There just isnt this FLUX of gay men looking for friendships with girls who have boyfriends.

[Guest]

hi Richhobo,

 

I was wondering if you're jealous because of any of these things:

 

1. she is having fun

2. she is a happy person

3. she is popular and you're not

4. maybe you feel she should want you more than you want her?

5. maybe you feel she is better than you, more popular than you, more attractive than you, more liked than you

6. maybe you are upset that you are not included in the group of men when she is talking to them and having a good time....ie not part of the fun???

 

im just wondering because it doesn't sound like you're jealousy is sexual jealousy

[Dookie_Dont]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

News flash, pal..............having a GF has NOTHING to do with whether they want your GF or not. If shes hot,....they wanna nail her,...end of freakin story. And that thing about the other friend of hers being "gay"..............I find it sooo funny how EVERYTIME there is a "girlfriend having male friends" issue,.....she always says atleast ONE of them is gay. It happens so often its actually become "sitcom" worthy cliche'. It may happen from time to time,...but lets call a duck a duck. Its bullsh*t. Ok,.....Im a girl. Im quite social. Im attractive. Have lots of friends. I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET A GAY MAN. NONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE EITHER. There just isnt this FLUX of gay men looking for friendships with girls who have boyfriends.

 

mmm hmmm....

 

 

I feel this guys pain....

 

Cheers to searching the forum.

[Mr.positive]

You can also start letting go of being jealous everyday. Everytime it happens deal with it. It won't happen overnight so just be prepared for that. But it will start going away over time.

[FightingTheFeelings]

HONEY, FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!! keep thinkin and tellin urself ur ok w/ it, until one day, u'll really feel that way!

[lvgrly]

Oh dear lord..Im am going through that same thing but only with my guy. I moved in with him about 5 months ago from arkansas, and he was from IL, thats a 10 hour difference. I didnt know anyone up here so I was brought into his world, and I do have to admit, that I am a jelous person.

 

But last night I told him that I wanted him to help me with it, and that was asking him to just be more careful with how he approaches a situation with other females, because in the back of his head he knows how it makes me feel.

 

And he is the same way that your gf is, I could flirt all damn day with 50 different guys, and it would not bother him at all. Because he knows I would NEVER cheat on him, nor do I have any desire to look much less flirt with anyone else. He is not the jelous type at all and thats all because he is secure with this relationship.

 

I think me being a little self concious has alot to do with me being jelous, and I dont really think its so much of the jelous issue, I think its a threatned issue. When I see a girl who looks better than me and I see him checking her out, it makes me feel threatned.

 

But then I realized, there are reasons among reasons that he is with me, all he is doing is looking at another girl, if he wanted a girl like the ones he checked out, he wouldnt be with me, he would be with them.

 

Sometimes the truth is hard to understand, as the saying goes " the truth hurts" Having to realize that she wants you and only you can be hard because you see her actions and you think if she thinks that then why doesnt she act that way..When really she is acting that way you are just choosing to see her flirting or you choose to only see certin things that she does.

 

I have finally realized that I cant have selective hearing or seeing anymore, because I only notice him checking out the skinny big boobed girls who look perfect and I dont see him checking out the 30 year old who has meat on her bones and who looked like she just woke up, I choose to see what I want to see, and thats what gets me jelous or threatned.

 

All you can do is talk to her and see how that turns out, and if she doesnt think that she is doing those things then next time you are in a situation of being around her and her guy friends, do something to get your mind off of it, or look at it and just laugh " yeah thats right buddy, my gf might give you a hug, but shes going home with me"

 

You gotta make yourself believe that everything is roses and sooner or later it will be.

[Iluvsiamese]

I beg to differ with Scarlyjones. I have a number of gay friends and one has been my best friend now for over 20 years. I love these guys to death and one of the reasons is that, to them, I am a person, first and foremost. I know that they feel the same way. We have shared many joys and sorrows over the years in ways that I couldn't have done with a straight man or a girlfriend.

 

As for a cure for jealousy, I wish! Once it begins, it's like trying to stop a freight train with a fly swatter. I think that the "one day, one step at a time" concept works, but only if your partner is willing to modify their behaviour to help.

 

I deal with the same feelings, though my situation is somewhat different. My guy has been separated from his ex for 9+ years now and divorced for 8+. To my knowledge he has had no contact with her. However, about a year into our relationship, he began talking about her constantly. I tried to be understanding and not over-react but it just went on and on. I finally blew up and told him how I felt. Things settled down, though he still continued to talk about her and their life together, just not as much. 6 months after the blowup, he got smashed one night at a friend's house and after we got home he continued to talk--unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective, lol) he announced that he loves his ex-wife and is so, so sorry that he f'd up and lost her. At first, I thought that I heard wrong, but he repeated it and I was devastated and shocked. Yes, I suspected from all the talking, but I still hoped that I was wrong.

 

We are still together. He claims that he loves me and is not in love with her but there are alot of things that make me question that. And, of course, now I find myself oversensitive about it and unable to let it go. If he could let her go, I might be able to get over it, but he says that he can't deny that part of his life. I understand that but do we have to relive it daily? He can't see this and has accused me of playing head games with him while I have just been wrestling with my feelings and how to deal with this. So now I will not allow him to talk to me about her. What else can I do?

 

Wrt your gf and her male friends, I think that Scarlyjones is right about the straight guys. Girlfriend or no girlfriend, eventually it seems to come down to the sex question. Your gf should keep strict boundaries with her male friends. Otherwise, things will lead to sticky situations and that will lead to disaster. Flirting with male friends ought to be a no-no, if for no other reason than to avoid miscommunication and to be considerate of her bf and their gf's. There is nothing wrong with being friendly, but know where to draw the line.

 

Wrt the truth, how do you know what is truth? Is it what someone says or is that saying "actions speak louder than words" more true? We are sometimes best at deceiving ourselves than others.

 

One way to judge if you may be over-reacting to your gf's flirting is to check out the other guys gfs. Does your gf do it in front of them and how do they seem to respond?

[Guest]

I'm going thru the same with my boyfriend right now. He's so loyal to me. I come from a traditional culture and I've always believed that I have to marry the one I have sex with. I've had sex with my BF and he can't give me an orgasm for nuts. Despite my sexual frustration, there are too many things I have from him that I'd stay with him for than just sex. I feel that I love him and I know he loves me too.

 

I'm a very active sociable person. I love interacting with people and since a long time, the internet has been a good means of networking for me. I put up my pictures on the online network and I get mainly guys leaving me comments and adding me coz they think i'm gorjus. My BF does get jealous but doesn't do much about it, but complain occassionally or bring up the topic and make me feel awkward - at the end of the day, I add people who're in the same subject area as me...i wanna go into filmmaking, i add photographers, actors, screenwriters, etc...but to him, guys are guys. I don't know if I can drop that for him, I dont think so.

 

But there's this girl in our class who doesnt chat to me coz I embarassed myself in front of her online by tellin her she had an interesting face. We hadnt met, but knew we were in each other's classes. She got freaked out. I was passing a compliment though. I added her on the online network 2 months ago, then my boyfriend added her a month ago, knowing how much I hate her coz she was meant to chat to me in class, but never approached me. I was the one embarassed, not her. My parents found out I had a BF so they asked me to stop all the love stuff and focus on studies first. Fair enough, I did that. We still love each other and act like it too. So I removed my relationship status from being "In a relationship with (my BF's name)" to a blank status. Despite that, a month later, he added her. Then SHE leaves HIM a message first. Not ME, HIM. They're not mingling in class as I'm sure of coz he sits next to me all the time, but online they keep in touch. I feel like I wanna throttle her to bits. Its as though she knows we broke up or sumthin that she's now after him...why not message me?? I added her first!