Ruined FWB/friendship, just need to rant

[genever]

I just need to rant to strangers and if anyone wants to commiserate please do!

 

I've been in love with my good friend for 7 months now. I cheated on my longterm/ long-distance boyfriend with him after a night of drinking (and then broke up with the ex) and we hooked up for a few months but then he called things off because he didn't want things to get "complicated" and he still had feelings for his ex, and I was starting to fall for him hard. We stayed friends but I haven't felt so strongly for someone in years. We didn't hook up for a few months but hung out several times a week and shared so much with eachother about our lives and love and what we want etc. I moved here from across the country and he has been one of the only people I've met who I feel really understands me as a person and that I connect with. He has helped me out with a lot of stuff and is always there for me if I need something. Every few weeks though I tend to feel so overwhelmed with my feelings and say something and say we shouldn't be friends etc but things always come back around and we end up hanging out again and get closer.

 

Last week I came over to his house and we watched TV and I was feeling the vibes so I put my head on his shoulder. I thought he would move away but he didn't. When it got to be late, he said that although it was so nice to hang out and cuddle that I should probably go home. Well after he said that he just hopped back on the couch and grabbed me and we cuddled for a while longer until we made our way into the bedroom and ended having sex and cuddling again for a long time, which is not something that has happened in the past, he usually had just fallen asleep. it was really nice and felt so right and comfortable, however the next morning he said that he regretted sleeping together because he was wasn't "ready to go down this path." and didn't want to get hurt. I got upset when he said that because he was the one who had made the move on me and though I understood, I got up to leave but he asked me to stay and we cuddled some more.

 

He has stated so many times that he doesn't want anything more than friends but when we around eachother it's so natural and we fall into a kind of coupley state. I get so confused because I like him so much and he knows it. I also know that I need to get some self-respect and not give into this dude because I am letting him treat me like this. But I always feel like maybe he will come around.

 

I just freak out on him when he doesn't do what I want or pay attention to me and I know it's messed up. I get offended when he doesn't want to hang out with me because he is hanging out with other people. He usually just tells me to chill out and stop being dramatic. I do know I am being dramatic and he has stated so many times that we are just friends but to me I feel so much more there and when we are together it's so nice.

 

Well, I really ****ed up and have been acting kind of crazy and got drunk and texted him about this guy I was hanging out with, who made a move on me, and finally pushed the guy I like too far. he said I was being gossipy and that I was not respecting this other dude, who we both know, by talking about him. He said he respects his own privacy and thinks it's childish of me to betray this other dude's privacy by talking about his behavior, and that he didn't know if I was trying to make him jealous or something, but it wasn't cool and he doesn't like gossip or drama, and it made him wonder what I say about him to other people. I know he was right. We talked for a bit and he said it isn't a big deal and it's water under the bridge but it was way too much for him to handle and that we need to take a step back and probably not hang out for a while. I felt so bad. I apologized sincerely and explained myself and said I was going to try to behave more like an adult, and he eventually said that he had just wanted to state his piece and say that I was being disrespectful and it upset him, but that he doesn't think poorly of me and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that people make mistakes, and I should treat myself and try to shrug it off. I hate that I presented myself as so desperate and childish because that just isn't really who I am and I fear that things will never be the same between us, we will never be close again, and I wish I hadn't gone down this route.

 

I know this is a bad situation and reading this he sounds like a total jerk but I am also being crazy and I need to just cut things off but I like him so much and the thought of not being around him is so hard.

 

OK phew I just had to get that off my chest. Thank you for reading.

[Jammer25]

So...are you content to let him continue to play with you while he stays relatively drama-free?

 

Don't settle for the "good", go for the great. At least you would find out for real that way.

[genever]

So...are you content to let him continue to play with you while he stays relatively drama-free?

 

Don't settle for the "good", go for the great. At least you would find out for real that way.

 

No, I don't want that. I don't want any drama, either, though. I feel like I just want to be myself around him and return to how things used to be before we started sleeping together.

[Jammer25]

No, I don't want that. I don't want any drama, either, though. I feel like I just want to be myself around him and return to how things used to be before we started sleeping together.

 

Which is impossible after all this time and back-and-forth.

 

Choose to go for it or to break away. You can't have what once was, unless you want to go through constant on-and-off issues. He has stated multiple times that he doesn't want anything more, but you continue to project a romantic relationship onto the situation.

 

It also sounds like you have a thing for hot-and-cold drama, so maybe it's just something you subconsciously look for in relationships.