Glx Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Month ago he broke up with me. He said that he needed space, he needed us to stay apart, he's tired of fights and my jealousy and he sees no future for us ("i lost my hope"..) And then i went to see my parents and left him alone for 3 weeks to clear his head. During this time we texted a little bit ("how are you" and so) but last week i stopped respoding him. He even called once (didn't pick up) Yesterday he texted me a long message where he said: "I am truly sorry that i hurt you. I thought that it would be easier for me to understand what i want but i am still confused. The truth is that you might think that i really hurt you but in reality i was really hurt too. I never had a relationship where after the end two people continue to love each other and i am scared. Even when i go out everything reminds me of you. But i am also scared that if we will continue this relationship we will also make the same mistakes. On the other hand i am scared that we could be really happy too.. I don't have any other girl and i can't even think of any other girl right now. I told you all this because you are the person who knows me best. Maybe you already forgot me during this month; but i will be always scared because of this. I don't want to blame you or beg you for another chance and i don't know how it seems to you right now. However this is not a childish toy; we had a serious relationship and damaged it in many ways" I am really confused by this. What am i suppose to answer? What does it even mean? Link to post Share on other sites
scubasteve Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Don't answer, to me it's just breadcrumbs I believe 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I don't have any other girl and i can't even think of any other girl right now. I told you all this because you are the person who knows me best. Maybe you already forgot me during this month;" Boom. Right there. He's saying "Where did you go? I thought you'd always be strung up on me! If you're not anymore, that means I'm not as great as I think I am. I thought it would be easy to replace you but the endless waves of women trying to get with me has yet to show up. Will you hold on a little longer until I find someone I like better? Being single is hard you know!" Good job on you for trying to start NC and not responding to this. He is only reaching out to feed his ego. He is probably lonely right now and the single life he imagined when he left isn't turning out to be reality. He made this decision to leave an incredible woman like yourself, and he's going to have to live with it. Never go back to someone that left you; it will only last as long as the honeymoon phase plus the time it takes for them to line up a new partner. Just move on and work on yourself. You don't need him and you can certainly find someone better. If he continues texting him, give him a warning shot before blocking him. Say "You broke up with me and now I'm moving on. Please stop texting me, it will help both of us heal faster." It's a nice way to tell him go away. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 3, 2016 Author Share Posted January 3, 2016 I responded him like that: "It's ok. I understand you" and nothing more. And that's all. I think i should keep all my answers short Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Honestly I have been on the other side of this. Where I was the dumper and then regretted it. I believed the reasons that I broke up with her were legitimate. And the truth is the reasons were legitimate but I should have discussed them with her instead of just having them build up in my own head. However, I flat out said that I made a mistake and asked whether she would be willing to give it a second chance. I didn't contact her for loneliness because as bad as it may be I can deal with the loneliness. I regretted that I threw away something that was good. The answer initially was a no from her but I asked if she would be willing to think about it a little. She agreed and I haven't heard an exact answer yet but everything points to the answer being no. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part but I figured I would lose everything if I didn't try and maybe I would gain something if I did try. Maybe he regrets breaking up with you, maybe he misses you. And it is also very possible that he just misses some company. If you are convinced that this is not what you want then I think keeping your answers short is the right move. However, if you do want to reconcile it may be a good idea to have a long conversation about why things happened, the problems and how would going forward be any different. Since you are the dumpee, the burden of starting that whole conversation falls on him. It should be a more clear message than a vague explanation of his feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 3, 2016 Author Share Posted January 3, 2016 Update: He called me now to have this "long conversation". He said that he has feelings and he missed me and he knows that i miss him also, but he is not sure if we should give it another try or no. He said that he is willing to do this but afraid that we will repeat same mistakes. In the end he even asked me to watch a movie with him after i told him "if you want you can talk to me in real life" After his suggestion i asked "as whom?" He said ".. Just to watch a movie.." I replied "maybe later i can be, but now i can't be your friend". Now i am really sad.. He mentioned that he was thinking of giving another chance, but he is indecisible about it, something stops him. I told him: "if something stops you, then it's not a good idea.." Don't know what do i feel i will lose him. Maybe he is thinking "well apparetly she doesn't want it so why should i try" Why is it so hard Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 It seems as though his message is still ambiguous. He says he wants to get back but he is not too sure. Maybe he wants you to take the leap as well and say I think we should get back. But I don't think that is necessarily fair. Instead of him saying that I am afraid we will repeat the same mistakes, it would be better if he said that we should get back together and maybe we can do this or that to make sure we don't repeat the same mistakes. Sometimes it is not worth giving the relationship a second chance and sometimes it is. Everyone makes mistakes. Only you can judge whether it is worth it or not. I think it is good you told him that if something stops him then its not a good idea. If you want him back you can always say that I would like to try again but somethings need to change. You can take the initiative and set the boundaries. The downfall for that is you may end up being in a vulnerable state and if he isn't sincere he may reject the idea and then you end up feeling terrible. These things are always hard because unlike a math equation there is no definitive answer. There are so many factors to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 3, 2016 Author Share Posted January 3, 2016 I called him back to clear things because i was confused. He told me that he still has feelings but he is also really confused. He stated the fact that he is not ready for relationship. He said also:"it would be ok if we would start relationship again. But i know that we will hurt each other again later because we didn't fix ourselves yet." Another thing he said was: "to be honest i don't want to have any relationship now. The only possible relationship i can imagine would be with you" I didn't ask him for another chance. I just told him "thanks, that's what i needed to hear. I was confused" He asked me: "are you sad after i said that i'm not ready?" I told him "you can't kill a person twice." I didn't bring my feelings up in the conversation Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Well it is good you cleared things up. It seems clear that he is confused. And it maybe that confusion that is causing him to say that he may want a relationship with you again. He doesn't seem certain about trying again and that should say enough. Probably the best move would be to just move on and limit or cut off contact with him. Coming back and saying I am confused and I may want you back is not fair to you. It is not going to help you in any way. Do you plan on just ending this and moving on now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Yeah everything he has said over the phone just makes it seem more likely that he is just looking for an ego boost. He asked if you were sad? That doesn't help him at all unless he's hoping you are to make himself feel better. I would tell him to simply stop contacting you unless he knows for sure he wants to get back together, and until then, you should decide if you want to get back together with this guy. He seems very manipulative to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 The entire message conveys that he is confused and worried that you will forget him. As long as he is confused, he needs to leave you alone because it's not fair to you. Until he can come to you and ask for a second chance, I would leave him alone. He does not need to use you to vent his feelings of confusion. If you keep responding to him, you don't allow him to feel your loss completely, so he will never realize if he made a mistake. Basically, all he said was, "I'm scared I made a mistake," but he's not ready to admit he actually made a mistake. Maybe he didn't make a mistake. He's still trying to figure all of that out, but he needs to leave you alone while doing it. I had similar talks with my ex. He would say he missed me, thought we could work things out down the line, said he didn't want to give up on us completely, said he was confused about the future, needed time alone. All of that. It's been said a thousand times over by many people after they dump someone. It's nothing special. It's really just a normal process that many people go through when they dump a person. They second guess themselves. Wonder if they made the right decision. None of his inner turmoil needs to involve you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 He called me from everywhere today and texted "it's important" I answered. So he was supposed to move out from our place in 2 days. And now he said: "i don't want to do it. It's our home and when i came back to pick my stuff i understood how much i miss you. I feel like if i will move out we will dissapear from our lives completely. And i am mad at you and myself that we let it happen" He completely messed up with my head He said "i was hurt and then i hurt you by breaking up. we can try again, but we need to take things slowly, maybe at first just meeting sometimes for a coffee. I need to see that you changed, because i am afraid of being hurt again. I need to see that you are not jealous or have this sharp reactions anymore. Maybe at first we can start like this and then we will see if it can lead us to relationship again" It sounds really strange to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 So what would you suggest? I've never been in this situation and i am trying to act cold but then he says something emotional -> it gives me hope -> i'm showing weakness again because i missed him a lot. He says that he needs social life and concentration on himself, but he has feelings to me and "most of all i would regret if we could be happy but didn't give it a chance" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 And this also: "i am willing to give a relationship one more chance but i am hesitating. but i feel like you can convince me" Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 He called me from everywhere today and texted "it's important" I answered. So he was supposed to move out from our place in 2 days. And now he said: "i don't want to do it. It's our home and when i came back to pick my stuff i understood how much i miss you. I feel like if i will move out we will dissapear from our lives completely. And i am mad at you and myself that we let it happen" He completely messed up with my head He said "i was hurt and then i hurt you by breaking up. we can try again, but we need to take things slowly, maybe at first just meeting sometimes for a coffee. I need to see that you changed, because i am afraid of being hurt again. I need to see that you are not jealous or have this sharp reactions anymore. Maybe at first we can start like this and then we will see if it can lead us to relationship again" It sounds really strange to me... So he wants to live together but take things slowly and meet up for coffee? I'm confused. Does he still want to move out? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 And this also: "i am willing to give a relationship one more chance but i am hesitating. but i feel like you can convince me" Why do you need to convince him? He makes it sound like it's all your fault, and only you can fix things. Like it's solely on your shoulders should it work out or not. That's a lot to put on you, and it's not fair. If he is hesitating and putting it all on you, I would not engage in anything with him. I think he's just going through the normal second guessing at the end of a relationship. Endings are hard on both parties, but making a knee jerk decision to maybe, possibly give it another try because he got nostalgic when moving out is not a good idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Will you please stop playing push-pull with this guy? He's crapping with your head, because you let him. Let me tell you something: HE Broke up with YOU. It now doesn't matter what he does, any more. Let him be as confused as he wants, he's just playing you like a yo-yo. Just look at this! "i am willing to give a relationship one more chance but i am hesitating. but i feel like you can convince me" So he's just playing you like a fish and putting it all on you. What is he, 12 - ?!? Cut the string. You told him: "I can't be your friend." Do what you need to do to move on with your life. The more of an open door you give him, the more he will reel you in, let you out, reel you in again..... Send him this text. "All your belongings will be packed up and ready for you to collect in 2 days. You have until <date> to collect it all from <place>. You broke us up. It's over. I'm not your nursemaid, your mind is your own. Sadly, it looks like you left it to me to make it up for you." PLease stop allowing yourself to be messed about with. Get as many boxes and black bags as you can, and pack everything of his, up, then leave it at a convenient location for him to collect. Please, be strong, or he will just keep playing this game... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I'm not confused by this at all. To me, it's clear that he misses the good times with you but not the bad. He's wanting reassurance that if the two of you try again, things will be different this time. I suggest a discussion about the things the two of you were fighting about and finding resolution before you get back together. Also, he will want reassurance that you are dealing with your jealousy issues. If the issues you were fighting over can't be resolved and/or the jealousy issues will remain, then both of you can move on without each other knowing that it was the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 Yes he decided to move out. I also told him that it's a good idea Now i am calling him (have some questions about his new place) but he is not picking up.. Though he is online. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 I'm afraid to tell him not to call me. Actually i tried to tell it to him. I said that he is hurting me with his false hopes and mixed signals and that i don't want to ever hear from him if he has nothing else to tell me. He said "ok. i will accept your decision and dissapear from your life completely then" I feel like he is not afraid to lose me at all. I feel really sad Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) Yes he decided to move out. I also told him that it's a good idea Now i am calling him (have some questions about his new place) but he is not picking up.. Though he is online. Well there's your answer. He's playing with you, I told you reeling you in, letting you out, and messing with you. You have NO questions about his new place. His new place does not concern you. Why? Because it's his. Quit trying to call him, and just pack his stuff up. I'm afraid to tell him not to call me. Actually i tried to tell it to him. I said that he is hurting me with his false hopes and mixed signals and that i don't want to ever hear from him if he has nothing else to tell me. He said "ok. i will accept your decision and dissapear from your life completely then" I feel like he is not afraid to lose me at all. I feel really sad The person who cares the least controls the most. Let him disappear. But he won't, because he will at some point, need the fix of you clinging to him. It will do his childish ego a power of good. Go No Contact. Send him the text I wrote previously: And mean it. Then shut him down. Of course it will hurt. It DOES hurt. But carrying on to and fro', back and forth, will hurt a whole lot more. ETA: "Accept your decision"....? Really? I mean, REALLY??!? It was his decision to break up! You SEE how manipulative he is being - ?! Edited January 5, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glx Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 Most probably we'll see each other because his mom sent me presents for New Year (his family likes me a lot). I also asked him to help me with my luggage in the airport (i'm coming back in 2 days) but now i regret it. I think i'll tell him not to come Today he told me that his new roomate is really cool and supporting the same football team (my ex is a big fan of football) so i think he won't miss me there at all My problem is that all the time i decide to act cold. But in the end it's me who sounds desperate! I hate it and i hate my weakness. And i hate the fact that he can hurt me so easily... When i tell him "it's you who broke up" he answers "but it happened because of the fights you caused and i was really hurt also" and i just don't know what to say. Yes it's true - in the last months we fought a lot. But how can i prove him that i changed? Or at least willing to change and work on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Most probably we'll see each other because his mom sent me presents for New Year (his family likes me a lot). I also asked him to help me with my luggage in the airport (i'm coming back in 2 days) but now i regret it. I think i'll tell him not to come EXCELLENT idea! Good girl!! Today he told me that his new roomate is really cool and supporting the same football team (my ex is a big fan of football) so i think he won't miss me there at all And what does that tell you? My problem is that all the time i decide to act cold. But in the end it's me who sounds desperate! I hate it and i hate my weakness. And i hate the fact that he can hurt me so easily... It's because in truth, you do care more, and you are more invested in this than he is. The deeper the hook, the sharper the pain. When i tell him "it's you who broke up" he answers "but it happened because of the fights you caused and i was really hurt also" That's deflecting his part and projecting his responsibility onto you. What, is he such a dumb-ass that he has no power over anything he does? Is he that much of a worthless, useless wimp? Of course he isn't. But he's very good at offloading the guilt onto you, isn't he? God, I'd hate him already. and i just don't know what to say. Yes it's true - in the last months we fought a lot. OH yeah. Check the 'we'. See? You can't fight on your own, can you? But it's all your fault? S-u-u-u-u-re it is.... But how can i prove him that i changed? Or at least willing to change and work on myself. By acting differently, putting yourself first, not pandering to his ego, and not responding to his pathetic messages. Once he sees he no longer has a hold over you, he will know, oh yessiree, he will know you've changed. For the better. Without him. Please don't sound so clingy and needy. It really doesn't become a young lady to behave that way. Link to post Share on other sites
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 When i tell him "it's you who broke up" he answers "but it happened because of the fights you caused and i was really hurt also" and i just don't know what to say. Yes it's true - in the last months we fought a lot. But how can i prove him that i changed? Or at least willing to change and work on myself. This guy sounds awful to me. Fighting is a two way street, and he is just as much responsible for them as you are. He is trying to blame you for everything and keep you on a leash as a backup plan to make this breakup as easy for him as possible. You don't need to change for this guy. When you change yourself to please him, you'll find yourself depressed and resenting him. If they are positive changes that you really do want to make, make them for you on your own. Don't chase this guy. You'll come off needy and desperate to him and push him away, and in a month you'll be kicking yourself for stooping to that level. Try to remember that you don't NEED him. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Most probably we'll see each other because his mom sent me presents for New Year (his family likes me a lot). I also asked him to help me with my luggage in the airport (i'm coming back in 2 days) but now i regret it. I think i'll tell him not to come. When i tell him "it's you who broke up" he answers "but it happened because of the fights you caused and i was really hurt also" and i just don't know what to say. Yes it's true - in the last months we fought a lot. But how can i prove him that i changed? Or at least willing to change and work on myself. You don't need him to help you with luggage the airport. I can usually handle my own luggage with no issues. If it's so big that you can't haul it around, what will you do when you get to your destination? If he really feels you are completely to blame, then he needs to move on. You can't do anything to prove you have changed. His opinion of you was formed during the relationship and isn't likely to change. Even if you have changed, he would have to be open to seeing that, and it would take a long time. You know what they say about first impressions? The truth is that after a relationship has ended, the other person really doesn't care if you have changed or not. They have moved on and aren't invested anymore Link to post Share on other sites
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