Ex(dumper) is texting that he is scared!

[TaraMaiden2]

May I suggest you give yourself 24 hours, currently, every time you need to make any important decision, before you come to any conclusion?

 

Permit me to explain why: Because you're biologically, cerebrally immature.

No wonder you're all over the place.

No wonder you won't listen.

Because you're finding it difficult to handle this rationally.

 

Right now, it would be of great benefit and advantage to you to allow others (ie, us) to make these decisions for you.

Because you're also in a highly-emotional state. Ans that screams 'irrational' in anyone's book....

 

Calm down, go for a walk, stop off somewhere for a coffee, and chill.

This really is NOT the end of the world.

[Glx]

Thank you.. Just didn't want him to remember me like that: crying and making him mad. Though i didn't want to, but it's him - he's getting easily mad when he is hungry or tired.

 

After this of course i feel really bad and think that any other girl would make him much happier. He told me that it was wrong what i did yesterday and he was right. He even said that i was playing with his feelings "because after you'll go you know that i will feel awful"

 

The funny part is that i always felt like i wasn't good enough for him. That he wanted a mature strong woman and i'm just an emotional girl. And i really wanted to become that mature woman

[TaraMaiden2]

You can only become that 'mature woman' - when you mature.

Biology isn't your fault. You are who you are, because you are who you are.

 

Let's be honest: You're closer to your prom years and schooldays that you are to motherhood, paying bills and taking social responsibility about Women's rights, the Environment, Global Warming and Social housing.

 

Amirite...?

 

If he wants a 'mature woman' he should try to date one.

This is NOT your fault.

Please get that through your head.

 

And if he gets mad when he gets 'hungry or tired' he needs to check his sugar levels, because my H is diabetic, and when his sugar levels are awry he gets mad - when he's hungry or tired....

 

But that's not your responsibility, ok?

(And I could be totally wrong anyway, but even so, his anger is on him to deal with and control, not you....)

 

Look to yourself.

Spoil yourself doing somehting totally foolish and fun, and be aware that it's fine for you to act a little silly.

Because he has no say in how you SHOULD be..... Not when you're so young and barely 2 years out of your teens.....

[ChickiePops]

I told him: "if you don't want to be with me, then let me go and just go away from my life. If you want to stay, then let's work for this together"

 

He told me that he can't move on but i should. That he can't say goodbye to me but can't also be in a relationship right now. That he needs to "recover from our bad moments" and concentrate on his life..

And about these days that we spent together - he said that it was not a second chance, we just "missed each other" and tried to spend time together

 

Nothing new..

 

Yes maybe i pushed it too much. And he was really mad at one point... Well, after my words i really can't do anything anymore i guess

 

If crying is pushing too hard, then I'm sorry but there's nothing left to save. It doesn't sound to me like you pushed all that much..he just wasn't feeling receptive or sympathetic.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain..I just want to give you a big hug right now because I went through exactly what you're going through.

[Glx]

If crying is pushing too hard, then I'm sorry but there's nothing left to save. It doesn't sound to me like you pushed all that much..he just wasn't feeling receptive or sympathetic.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain..I just want to give you a big hug right now because I went through exactly what you're going through.

 

Thank you! and may i ask what happened later? did you get over it?

[Toodaloo]

glx.

 

Sorry your having a tough time but if you want to be that strong woman then all you have to do is say enough.

 

Enough already of the wishy washy.

Enough already with the emotional blackmail and ego stroking.

 

Get your stuff.

Get a hug from your Mum and your best mate

 

Get involved in how you want to shape your life.

 

I can tell you honey that there are loads of men out there.

 

Do not get stuck with this one.

 

Stop talking to him. Give it 6 months (12 would be better), in that 6 months do not look at his facebook twitter or anything like it. Do not phone him, do not respond to texts, emails, letters. Do not answer his calls. Avoid going to the places you went with him.

 

Concentrate on how you want your future to look. Concentrate on work and studies and saving. Take up some sort of sport - I love yoga and horse riding, you might like running and tennis... Travel. Try new things you haven't tried before. Go to the theatre, read news papers and books, go to music concerts... Do all the things that make you happy. When you start thinking of him go and start planning your future and ways in which you can be happy with out him and how you will achieve that.

 

If you are still thinking about him in 6 months then you can talk to him. You will probably find he is a changed man and not who you thought he was anyway.

[Toodaloo]

Thank you! and may i ask what happened later? did you get over it?

 

Everyone always gets over it. Some just take longer than others.

 

In 20 years time you will not even remember all of this.

[fireflywy]

So you're only 20 eh? Let me guess, is this guy super attractive aka fit, garners female attention, etc? You yourself said you were worried about him finding someone better.

 

I say this because if ANY of those things are true, they are powerful draws to resist. (I know this first hand.) However, that must NOT be the commodity you trade in any relationship nor when someone is pulling your chain. Its isn't worth it.

 

As for his spiel of loves you but can't imagine being with someone else but also NOT being with you, well, that's a big pile B.S. he's feeding you.

 

I don't see anything this guy gives you that you can't get from someone else and in a much better, more honest, and more committed way.

 

You're young. Go out and be free to find better. Don't waste your time and tears on someone who pulls you this way.

[Thistooshallpass21]

The first relationship is always the hardest. Honestly, what this guy is doing is wrong, not so much what you are doing. He is playing you like a fiddle and you do not deserve this. Remember, pain is temporary, so chin up, shoulders back, and back straight. You are stronger than this stupid guy.

 

"Everything that's happening to you, is what's supposed to be happening to you. So just relax." -Chris Martin

 

Take care and God bless.

[ChickiePops]

Thank you! and may i ask what happened later? did you get over it?

 

Of course I did! You will too.

[Glx]

To be honest i want to apologize to him but i am not sure.

 

Wanted to apologize for that emotional last conversation that we had because it was not really thoughtful of me.

I came to his place to talk and as i mentioned he was tired, and he also had an exam the next day. he said that it was a bit egoistic of me and not right though i didn't want to make him feel bad or take too much of his time, just wanted to clear our situation and tell about my feelings - that i do love him a lot, but i am looking for a serious relationship, not something casual (and he just wants to date but nothing serious at the moment)

 

another thing that i mentioned that day was about one girl.

she is our neighbor and directly after our break up when i was in another country he invited this girl to our place to watch a movie at night and i guess they were eating sometimes together. i told him that i was not jealous but what bothered me is that everybody now on my floor is gossiping about me and that situation. i just told him that it didn't put a good image on me or our relationship.

 

after that point he got really mad and asked "what am i supposed to do right now?", he explained it as that he felt really lonely after i left, he wanted to talk to somebody but nothing happened between him and that girl. i told him "i don't want you to do anything, just wanted to tell about this situation and that before you do something, think how other people will look at me after this and what are they going to think"

he replied: "so if you don't want me to do anything about this then why are you telling me all this stuff - just to make me feel bad?" and he was really upset. i regret telling him about this girl right now.

 

he thought that i came only because of that and i needed to say not just once it was not the main reason.

 

he said also: "first you are saying that you don't want to have any contact, then you are coming here and telling about your feelings, and you know that i will feel bad after this, you're playing with my feelings"

i told that it was him who hesitated about staying in contact with each other two days ago.. he was shocked and denied it! and that "i always misunderstand him"

 

anyway, i feel better and relieved a bit.

but i also feel like it's better to say sorry - i didn't want to make him feel bad

 

(forgot to tell that he is a really obsessive person and after every fight that we had he wasn't feeling good for a couple of days. i am totally opposite - i can fight a lot sometimes, but i am getting calm easily and can't stay in a bad mood for a long time)

[TaraMaiden2]

No.

 

Contact.

 

Means - NO CONTACT.

 

I just don't know how many times we have to try to get it through to you.

No.

No.

NO Contact. None.

No.

 

Ok?

[BC1980]

I don't know why you think what you did was so bad you would need to apologize.

[Glx]

ok. just feel that he thinks bad about me after that. he said what i did was really childish

[mightycpa]

If you stop talking to him, you're going to start looking a lot more attractive. The sad fact is he probably doesn't think about you too much at all either way. Probably only when Tiny Elvis gets lonely from lack of company.

 

Do yourself a favor, really. Do what we are unanimously saying to do. We don't know each other, but we all belong to the same club, and we know what the initiation is all about. You can do it the hard way, or you can do it ours, which is also difficult, but you'll get through it better, and in the end, you'll have your self-respect intact, and you'll feel a ton stronger.

 

It's really up to you.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't know why you think what you did was so bad you would need to apologize.

 

QFT.

 

It's absolutely no requirement on your part.

You need to understand that, absorb it and above all start believing it.

[Glx]

For now i don't contact him and he doesn't contact me also.

 

Yesterday there was a party in our neighbourhood and i went there with some mutual friends of me and my ex. I didn't stay there for a long time and went away; one of my friends stayed there.

And today that friend of mine told me this:

 

My ex showed up at that party after i left. He was already a bit drunk and just came from another bar. My friend had a conversation with him and asked about me; at first my ex was irritated a bit but then he told that he's waiting for my initiative or for me to make up my mind. That i'll come to him or something like that

 

That was really strange because i already initiated the last conversation and even came to his place.

[TaraMaiden2]

For now i don't contact him and he doesn't contact me also.

 

Yesterday there was a party in our neighbourhood and i went there with some mutual friends of me and my ex. I didn't stay there for a long time and went away; one of my friends stayed there.

And today that friend of mine told me this:

 

My ex showed up at that party after i left. He was already a bit drunk and just came from another bar. My friend had a conversation with him and asked about me; at first my ex was irritated a bit but then he told that he's waiting for my initiative or for me to make up my mind. That i'll come to him or something like that

 

That was really strange because i already initiated the last conversation and even came to his place.

 

That wasn't strange at all.

He's fully expecting you to go crawling back, begging, pleading, crying and asking for forgiveness, exactly as we are predicting.

 

You see? He's so overblown with confidence about his own attraction, that in spite of clearly being the dumper, he is expecting you to make your mind up....?

Gimme a break....

 

He thinks he can play you like a yo-yo and haul you back and let you out at his whim.

 

For goodness' sake, pop his ego-bubble and do not, under any circumstances ever contact him at all, for any reason whatsoever.

[Leigh 87]

I called him back to clear things because i was confused.

He told me that he still has feelings but he is also really confused. He stated the fact that he is not ready for relationship. He said also:"it would be ok if we would start relationship again. But i know that we will hurt each other again later because we didn't fix ourselves yet."

Another thing he said was: "to be honest i don't want to have any relationship now. The only possible relationship i can imagine would be with you"

 

I didn't ask him for another chance. I just told him "thanks, that's what i needed to hear. I was confused"

 

He asked me: "are you sad after i said that i'm not ready?"

I told him "you can't kill a person twice." I didn't bring my feelings up in the conversation

 

 

 

My ex said the same thing.

 

He was dating miss right a few months later.

[ExtraSpice]

For now i don't contact him and he doesn't contact me also.

 

Yesterday there was a party in our neighbourhood and i went there with some mutual friends of me and my ex. I didn't stay there for a long time and went away; one of my friends stayed there.

And today that friend of mine told me this:

 

My ex showed up at that party after i left. He was already a bit drunk and just came from another bar. My friend had a conversation with him and asked about me; at first my ex was irritated a bit but then he told that he's waiting for my initiative or for me to make up my mind. That i'll come to him or something like that

 

That was really strange because i already initiated the last conversation and even came to his place.

 

This guy sounds ridiculous to be honest. And as Tara has mentioned already he is so full of himself. He is the dumper and he is expecting you to come crawling back to him. For your mind to "wake up". I don't know what fantasy world he is living in.

 

But the burden of waking up your own mind is on him and the burden of initiating contact is on him. You already did your part, don't entertain his ego anymore. In the start of this thread I was all for giving him a chance and it seems like you did but he just doesn't seem to have it together.

[Glx]

Well he always told me that "i hurt him a lot in the last months because we fought constantly and i was jealous and he felt suffocated"

But during our BU i told him not just once that i am sorry and i wouldn't make the same mistakes anymore.

 

he still thinks( or just fears) that if we start something it will be the old relationship again. In the last conversation he said that he still needs time and space and that he "still can't forget the bad moments we had". He also said that he would like to spend time with me because i am his closest person "but if it will give you false hope then you shouldn't do it"

This week we didn't contact other. Before that he was contacting me every 2-3 day.

It is hard and i feel that he's forgetting me already (or not contacting because thinks that i don't want it)

 

But at least i am more stable emotionally right now.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well he always told me that "i hurt him a lot in the last months because we fought constantly and i was jealous and he felt suffocated"

But during our BU i told him not just once that i am sorry and i wouldn't make the same mistakes anymore.

 

..."You hurt HIM a lot?" Of course, he didn't hurt you at all. Oh no, he's totally blameless....

 

he still thinks( or just fears) that if we start something it will be the old relationship again.

I agree. Him guilt-pushing, you making the efforts and continually apologising for nothing...

 

In the last conversation he said that he still needs time and space and that he "still can't forget the bad moments we had".

Ah, yes... the classic "cry me a river I'm the victim here" routine. Charmed, I'm sure....

 

He also said that he would like to spend time with me because i am his closest person "but if it will give you false hope then you shouldn't do it"

Translation: "I'd love to put you in the FWB category, that way I can get sex with no attachment, but I think you'd still think we were dating..."

 

 

This week we didn't contact other. Before that he was contacting me every 2-3 day.

That's because he thinks the less he does, the more you'll pine, cave, contact him and eventually have sex with him...

It is hard and i feel that he's forgetting me already (or not contacting because thinks that i don't want it)

Honey, you really should quit wondering or worrying about what HE'S thinking.... Let him think what he likes.

It's what you think that matters. And I sincerely hope you're not going to bang that old 'I'm confused' drum again, because you really should see things more clearly, now.

 

But at least i am more stable emotionally right now.

Great progress! Keep going - onward and upward!!

[ExtraSpice]

To an extent I understand where you are coming from.

 

But the way this guy is acting doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Even if he is hurt by what you did in the last few months, he is the one to break it off. Even if the reasons for the breakup were legitimate more of the burden of reconciliation falls on him. If he is confused, that is fine. But he needs to take the time to figure it out for himself and not drag you into it as well.

 

There will always be hesitations and fear when you are tying to jump start a relationship. He needs to make up his mind whether the risk of getting back together outweighs the reward. In my opinion you cannot and should not have to convince him that a second try is worth it. He has to make that decision on his own. And if he decides it is worth it then you can show through your actions that it was the right choice.

 

Also if you truly think he forgets about you in only 2-3 days then I wonder if you want to be with someone like that at all.

 

Either way just maintain NC and let him worry about initiating contact.

[qofplenty]

leave him alone. he broke up with you. that changes everything. take time to heal. maybe you'll feel different about him in a year or two. For now, leave that alone. He's regretting the whole thing. Maybe give him time to meet new people and see new things. If he wants you after that, maybe you can talk .

[Glx]

leave him alone. he broke up with you. that changes everything. take time to heal. maybe you'll feel different about him in a year or two. For now, leave that alone. He's regretting the whole thing. Maybe give him time to meet new people and see new things. If he wants you after that, maybe you can talk .

 

 

What do you mean by "regretting the whole thing?"