Ex(dumper) is texting that he is scared!

[Glx]

So i shouldn't meet him you say? He suggested to meet at one point but "without this girlfriend-boyfriend stuff", just to understand how the things will go because so far we only had phone conversations.

He wants to do some stuff together like going to the cinema or just going somewhere together without anything romantical. He said "but i can't promise anything" though he wants me in his life.

Another problem is that we were always together - almost everyday. And doing everything together, too. That's why he wants to have more social life, he "needs friends because he lost all of them", and he needs to concentrate on other stuff, not just relationship.

He never acted like this when we were together. He always fought for me doesn't matter what.. And now he's like a complete different person. That's why i can't give up on him and i believe that he's still that person i fell in love with

[Glx]

And the reason why i am willing to work things out is that i am afraid that later there won't be other chance. Now we still have feelings for each other but later (if i'll dissapear from his life completely) i feel like he will find somebody else. And then it will be completely over

[Glx]

So i shouldn't meet him you say? He suggested to meet at one point but "without this girlfriend-boyfriend stuff", just to understand how the things will go because so far we only had phone conversations.

He wants to do some stuff together like going to the cinema or just going somewhere together without anything romantical. He said "but i can't promise anything" though he wants me in his life. When i asked him: "so that means that we will just meet without any responsibilities to each other? And one day you'll meet somebody else and i should be ok with this situation?" He replied "in these 2 years that we were together i never cheated on you. Don't you trust me? I never wanted to hurt you. And i don't want to be with anybody else either. But it's not a right thing for us to just jump in the relationship again. We should see each other a couple of times and then understand that we are suitable for each other, because we say that we changed, but these are just words and we need to prove it in reality before starting anything"

 

Another problem is that we were always together - almost everyday. And doing everything together, too. That's why he wants to have more social life, he "needs friends because he lost all of them", and he needs to concentrate on other stuff, not just relationship.

He never acted like this when we were together. He always fought for me doesn't matter what.. And now he's like a complete different person. That's why i can't give up on him and i believe that he's still that person i fell in love with

[Glx]

Sorry the first reply i wrote wasn't completed and i was not able to edit it so i posted it twice (the last comment is the full version)

[Glx]

He doesn't say that i'm completely guilty. He says that we both hurt each other and he doesn't want this situation to happen again that's why he is confused and "we need to see each other to understand everything"

[TaraMaiden2]

He's manipulating you and power-owning.

Don't hang any worth onto what he SAYS.

 

Look at what he DOES.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I'm full of well-worn, one-liner clichés, but the major thing about them, is that they're true.

 

Please quit playing his games.

Time to start playing by YOUR rules.

And one of those should be to walk away from manipulative blame-shifters.

[Glx]

It's just really hard for me to understand his motives.

Then how can i understand if he (or dumpers in general) truly wants to try once again? Which actions should he take for example?

My questions may sound really naive and stupid, but i've never been in this situation before and everything is mixed in my mind

 

And one more thing - should i go no contact completely or just to try to be colder in conversations with him?

[TaraMaiden2]

It's just really hard for me to understand his motives.

Then how can i understand if he (or dumpers in general) truly wants to try once again? Which actions should he take for example?

Please read the NC Guide (link in my signature). That goes a long way to explaining how to implement NC and more importantly, why.

 

In order for him to offer any road to reconciliation, the apology and effort has to be engineered and actioned by him.

And he has to put his money where his mouth is.

If he's going to change his attitude, he has to first show you that he is serios and sincere.

Because as things stand, he's not doing or saying the right things.

And my guess is, he really doesn't want to.

My questions may sound really naive and stupid, but i've never been in this situation before and everything is mixed in my mind

Absolutley understandable. Which is why you're here. And which is why, in order to really get through and over this, it's really important you listen to us.

 

And one more thing - should i go no contact completely or just to try to be colder in conversations with him?

No.

Just cut him off.

Take the lead, take control of yourself, and look to yourself. The more you respond to him, in whichever way you say, the more it just feeds his ego and confirms he can play with you.

[Miss Clavel]

my opinion, he wants sex.

[ExtraSpice]

He seems to be super hesitant. As though he wants you to be the one to say lets do it and if it doesn't work out, he can pin some of the blame on you. And also it seems like every time you bring up something that bothered you he seems to counter it with something that you did wrong.

 

That is no way to handle discussions. Instead of admitting to his own faults he seems to be diverting blame on to you even more.

 

I would say tell him not to be wishy washy. Either he wants to try again or not. He can't have both. Lay out your boundaries and if he can't respect and follow them then just walk away.

[Glx]

Today he wrote that it can take some time to move out. I asked to do it as soon as possible and that i don't want to see him there when i'll be back.

Hope it didn't sound too harsh. He didn't reply anything

 

In the meanwhile he is posting pictures on facebook of him hanging out with friends and he is all the time online in whatsapp till the late night (usually he doesn't use social media and phone that much, so he is texting with somebody...) I feel like he already found a new girl

Edited January 7, 2016 by Glx

[Glx]

I guess i should just stop stalking him though it's hard. It's hurting to think that he might have somebody alse though just 2 days ago he was saying that he loves me and then he dissapears again..

[ExtraSpice]

You should def stop stalking him on social media. I go through a lot of the same emotions other people go through during a breakup but one thing I never do is stalk my ex. There is a very strong urge to do it at times but I never do. I know it will make me file like complete sh*t.

 

From my experience people post things on facebook either as a way to vent or to project a state of happiness that they have not yet achieved. It could also be just a way to say to you "look how happy I am" and that generally arouses some sort of an emotions from the ex.

 

I don't think you were too harsh, you said what was on your mind. The best thing now is to limit or stop contact. Let him come out and say, we have problems but I think we can fix them, would you like to try again? Or something to that effect.

[Glx]

I know that i shouldn't contact him now. But now i regret saying that i don't want to see him… what if he'll really never contact me again?

 

another thing is that we live really close to each other. and i have stupid expectations that he'll want to see me (in the last phone conversation he mentioned that he is willing to do some stuff together but didn't tell anything specific). i think after i told him that i don't want to see him i shouldn't expect anything anymore also

[TaraMaiden2]

I know that i shouldn't contact him now. But now i regret saying that i don't want to see him… what if he'll really never contact me again?

Have you followed advice and read the NC Guide? If you had, the above question would be answered.....

 

another thing is that we live really close to each other. and i have stupid expectations that he'll want to see me (in the last phone conversation he mentioned that he is willing to do some stuff together but didn't tell anything specific). i think after i told him that i don't want to see him i shouldn't expect anything anymore also

Listen hun, you need to quit fence-sitting and come to terms with the fact that he - doesn't - care.

 

If he really cared or was really concerned about breaking up, trust me. He would move Hell and High Water to stay with you.

He's making suggestions about 'hanging out'. In other words, "hey, I can keep you as a buddy and who knows? Every now and then, I'll have sex with you, because after all, YOU want to stay together, and FWB sounds like a good deal...."

 

You need to wrap your head around the fact that this - as a relationship - is DONE. AND. DUSTED.

 

It's finished.

Over.

He doesn't really want you as a GF any more.

And be sure: He WILL contact you.

But only because he wants his ego (or his little trouser friend) fed.

[Glx]

He wrote today that he moved out completely and wished a good flight. Usually i would write "thanks", but this time i decided not to reply at all.

[BC1980]

He wrote today that he moved out completely and wished a good flight. Usually i would write "thanks", but this time i decided not to reply at all.

 

You did the right thing. There is no longer any reason to keep contact. I know it's tempting to want to hang onto the good of a person who is wishy washy. If someone says they are "confused," that really means they don't want to be with you. This isn't rocket science. They know darn well what they want. They just want to keep you around as a backup in case things don't work out moving forward. No one is confused about whether they love someone or want to be in a relationship. He is just going through the normal adjustment period immediately after a relationship ends. Trust me, he would have cut you off cold once he found someone else. It's better to take the initiative and be the first to do so.

[kittyxo]

Month ago he broke up with me. He said that he needed space, he needed us to stay apart, he's tired of fights and my jealousy and he sees no future for us ("i lost my hope"..) And then i went to see my parents and left him alone for 3 weeks to clear his head.

During this time we texted a little bit ("how are you" and so) but last week i stopped respoding him. He even called once (didn't pick up)

 

Yesterday he texted me a long message where he said:

"I am truly sorry that i hurt you. I thought that it would be easier for me to understand what i want but i am still confused. The truth is that you might think that i really hurt you but in reality i was really hurt too. I never had a relationship where after the end two people continue to love each other and i am scared. Even when i go out everything reminds me of you.

But i am also scared that if we will continue this relationship we will also make the same mistakes. On the other hand i am scared that we could be really happy too..

I don't have any other girl and i can't even think of any other girl right now. I told you all this because you are the person who knows me best.

Maybe you already forgot me during this month; but i will be always scared because of this.

I don't want to blame you or beg you for another chance and i don't know how it seems to you right now. However this is not a childish toy; we had a serious relationship and damaged it in many ways"

 

I am really confused by this. What am i suppose to answer? What does it even mean?

 

It all depends on what you want hun. Sit down and ask yourself what you want. Do you want to be with him? If after some time you realize that you do truly love him and want to be with him, let the old relationship with him go. It seems like he wants to get back together with you, however he is scared that some of the same arguments may come back up so hes a little hesitant to get back together.

 

If you love him and want to be with him, you guys should really focus on letting the old relationship go and focus on builing a new relationship. You mentioned that he was tired of your jealousy.. what made you jealous? Do you think that you are ready to go back to him and not be jealous? How have you grown throughout this breakup? What are you willing to offer him when you get back to him? What is HE willing to let go of and offer to you?

 

Best of luck and be sure to let us all know what happens!

[Glx]

Update:

 

(A lot of text!)

I just came back to our (well, from now on just mine) place, sitting here and crying for already 2 hours i guess.

He even didn't want to meet me - he left the present from his family to me on my table. And there was also a letter from him...

 

"Hi, i wanted to write because i don't know if we'll talk and even if we will i won't be able to talk about this stuff.

The reason i wasn't able to move out for so long is that it was difficult for me - to take all our pictures, stuff from the kitchen (with which we cooked together) or even Playstation where i still keep your account for no reason. It was really hard for me and still it is - to realise that you'll come back soon and i won't be there anymore and that our home got destroyed.

When we were together i thought i was in a dark place in my mind. It still feels like this though and getting even worse but i'll handle it.

I can't stay in this district anymore because it's hurting me a lot - everything reminds me of you. I miss you a lot, i miss us being good and you next to me. My biggest regret is that our relationship was not able to be better.. I wish we handled some fights and disagreemenrs better. I wish both of us were a bit more tolerant to each other and less stubborn and strict.

When i came here it was cold so i turned on a heating for you because i still care about you (and always will). We had rough times but it only made my feelings to you stronger. You are still very special for me.

 

P.S. Please destroy this paper after reading because it was written when i was in a different mood.

And also: my new roomates are really nice but it's still difficult to not be here anymore.

[Glx]

So he even didn't want to meet.. Though it was written in the morning, in the evening he texted me again if i want him to meet me from the airport... He even called but i didn't pick up.

 

It feels like someone died here. Really. House is so empty now. Even now i'm crying lol.

I remember how happy we were when we just moved here. How our friends and parents visited us here.. And now i'm all alone.

Don't know how i'll sleep today.

It feels like the end

 

The sad part is that i would give everything to make this person happy. But he didn't believe that our relationship could work out..

Even in the letter he states that we are not compatible.

[Simon Phoenix]

Stop allowing him to dump all this crap on you. Seriously, nothing good is coming from it. He's looking to keep you on the hook as a backup plan, and you're allowing it by indulging this. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

[Glx]

I know i know. I'm not contacting him at all. But now i feel really hurt.

And it's really really hard to stay in this place where we lived together. I feel like he's still here but isn't home yet and will come back later.. Bad feeling.

Hope i'll survive through this.. Actually i feel even worse than before. Too many memories

[Glx]

And this letter also hurt me a lot. In short: "I'll love you always but we are just not compatible... I feel even worse that before (But still don't want you back! Or just too proud to admit it)"

[TaraMaiden2]

That letter is something you should regard as your closure.

It's well and truly over.

you are now entering a period of mourning (because a break-up is as good as something dying - you said so yourself) and unfortunately, this is coupled with the same symptoms drug-takers experience when going Cold Turkey.

 

You must - absolutely MUST - seek some kind of emotional support during this time.

You're grieving and suffering, both mentally and physically.

You HAVE TO motivate yourself sufficiently to find someone to help you get by.

We're here to listen and respond, but you must be open about your Emotional Pain to others. Even if it means seeking a temporary stop-gap through prescribed medical means.

 

If you're in pain, talk to your doctor.

 

Seriously.

[Glx]

I came back yesterday. Cried a lot like i wrote. He came suddenly at 6 a.m. said he didn't sleep at all.. Said he wanted to be together but take things slowly and see where it will lead to. He also said that he knows there is a big risk and that we can end even worse later if we'll repeat the same mistakes but still wants to take that risk. Of course said all this words about love, apologised.. But it's hard to believe these words. Was hugging and kissing me but nothing more because i didn't allow.

We spent a nice day together though i was really confused. And still i am. Told him that i need some time because he hurt me a lot. And he needs some time to see that these mistakes will not repeat again..

I am confused because i didn't expect him to come back so soon. He said that "he was afraid to lose such a person like me" and that he still has hope.

But to be honest i don't want it to be so easy for him. On one hand there is an opportunity for us to try once more but on another hand maybe one month is not enought and we need more time to spend apart? But what if it will be late afterwards?

Another issue is that i really can't trust him now. It seems like an illusion - i am afraid he'll go away again at one point because it was too easy for him to come back now and he didn't feel the real loss...

And of course after such a huge shock i can't feel happy. He wants to spend a lot of time with me and making plans for us already... I don't believe his words. Have no idea what to do now though i really love him.

I know that i won't be able to handle such a break up again (if he'll decide to leave again). That's why i need to think twice before making a decision..

Edited January 9, 2016 by Glx