WNYer Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I have been in an affair with another married man and do not have anyone to talk about the highs and lows, happiness and frustrations. Please do not respond if it is to judge or prosecute me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Why not discuss this with your husband? How would you feel if he was doing to you what you have been doing to him in addition to putting his health at risk for STD's? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 During my A, I frequently felt alone--emotionally distant from my spouse and physically distant from my AP. That lonely feeling was one of several unpleasant feelings that made me say, "What have you done? You have made your life and everyone else's life worse!" I realized that I just wasn't thinking straight, didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing it. My A was a desperate cry for help. Maybe yours is, too? Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Alone is how you will most of the time during the A... I had a very supportive circle of friend who helped me through mine and they never judged me, but even then, I just didn't feel like they understood. No one did... unless you have been in the same position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amillionpieces Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 During my A, I frequently felt alone--emotionally distant from my spouse and physically distant from my AP. That lonely feeling was one of several unpleasant feelings that made me say, "What have you done? You have made your life and everyone else's life worse!" I realized that I just wasn't thinking straight, didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing it. My A was a desperate cry for help. Maybe yours is, too? Can you expand on your A being a cry for help? I feel lonely in my M. It has occurred to me that when I was a teen I had a mother who gave me no guidance. I got in more and more trouble and even then I knew it was an attempt to get her to pay attention. My husband doesn't pay attention to me and Im feeling like maybe I'm doing the same thing with my A. Hello don't you even notice what I'm doing here?!? OP yes very lonely. I went to a party in the neighbourhood and was looking around at the 10 or so couples trying to see if I could 'tell' if someone was having an A because statistically someone is. Then I realized it was me that I was the one and these people probably are not. Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Not having the affair anymore, but I was. The affair ended long time ago. But the pain hasn't. Yes, I felt alone; what I felt also was: lonely, hurt, and on the verge of 'losing it all any minute' and hanging by a thread at the edge of a cliff, waiting for the fraying thread to snap. Despite what many people think, being the OW is not having 'fun', it's non-stop invisible torture, and you can't even talk about it with anyone--you just suffer quietly on your own. All I can say, no matter what the details of your affair are, the earlier you end it the better for you. The pain won't stop, it will only get worse in time. Some people will judge you here--that's inevitable, but many won't--for what it's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I am unsure if you are male or female. You said with "another married man". Perhaps you mean you were in an affair with a MM sometime before? It is a very isolating experience and will take you away from your reality. Get out of it while you can. POppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Sondering Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 WNYer, I just made my very first thread on here and that was one of the key points. The lonely feeling from my A is worse than actually being alone...I feel for you. Someone responded and hit the nail on the head. Affairs are like rollercoasters. very high highs, very low lows. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 It's a endless torture and highs and lows. You will suffer in silence indeed. The pain will be there when it ends....now or later. My advice is to get out now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Yes, I often have felt so alone in the course of the A. Christmas was one of the worst days and possibly a turning point for me. I was with my mother and friends and yet felt so empty inside. A "relationship" should not make you feel this way. I have a friend in my community who is also an OW and we talk regularly and support each other through the highs and lows without judgment. I am sad for her this evening because she has been waiting three weeks for her MM to come back from visiting home with the family. He was supposed to tell w over Christmas that he wanted a divorce (they have been living apart for 2 years for logistical/work reasons but are not legally separated). My OW friend has not been in touch with MM during this time. MM should have arrived back to our community today. OW has not heard a word from him. So I assume he is not leaving. I have been texting her and trying to offer support (I am also away right now unfortunately). She is a wreck, and she is alone. I am visiting my old city and last night I got together with my old boss, who became my close friend after I was promoted. She told me she has been an OW for four years. I never knew, although I remember the point at which things shifted and she grew more distant. She has had basically no one to talk to all this time. No one "gets it" unless you've been in the situation. We talked for four hours and closed down the coffee shop. I am sad that she's been "alone" all this time. Her MM finally left home a few months ago (not the first time he's done it) and now she's finally getting to know him in a real way. After four years. Heartbreaking. After all that she has been through, she's not even sure she wants him; four years of pain is such a lot of pain. There are so many others out there... probably even some of your friends or acquaintances, who will never share out of fear of judgment. Sadly, even knowing these other OWs, both in person and here on LS, I still feel alone at times. I'm sure everyone else on this board feels the same. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Oh yes. Some of the loneliest moments I've ever experienced have been in my A. I used to dread Friday nights in particular. It's the crazy context that totally distorts your thinking. The future faking and false hope makes you spend so much time lamenting what you don't have, at the expense of what you do. And most of us actually have a lot! We just allow the A to blind us to it. For most single APs we have freedom, we have our own resources, we have potential to realise, we have multiple people who love and care about us, we have access to billions of other people... some of whom will undoubtedly love us as well once they meet and get to know us :-) Whether in an A or not, you're only lonely to the extent that you allow yourself to be. I'm not saying it's easy to drag yourself up by the bootlaces and change your perspective; but it is worth it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ohmyohmy Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 wYNer...big hugs...it's a roller coaster for sure!! I haven't posted recently because when I go back and read my post I sound so unlike who I actually want to be...and then I feel worse But keep reading here on LS, it helps me understand my situation a little more, gives me a little strength to get through the day...no matter what choices I make, right or wrong...gives me hope that someday I'll remedy my life... I hope posting/reading here helps you too, helps you not feel alone your post touched a nerve You are not alone God only knows why we choose to be/stay in these relationships I'm still trying to figure it out My counselor says its like being addicted to cocaine...that's how strong the response is in your brain chemistry...we're addicted that's why we stay even when we are "hungover"(lonely) from the A...as soon as they reach out we get a "hit" of our drug and forget the hangover... I was feeling so alone in my marriage then A started and I felt alive again, appreciated, pretty, smart, funny...but...like in any relationship the honeymoon ends and Almost two years in and I'm caught in a day to day battle of negotiating an emotional roller coaster. I've started to think of myself as a "spouse without benefits", for my MM I'm there to pick up the emotional "dirty laundry"(when things are bad at work or home), give him pats on the back when he helps out at his house and his W doesn't appreciate it(he never cleans my house or fixes my broken stuff), Ohhh and ahhh over his nice meals he cooks and sends me pictures of!(but never get to eat them)....and well then there's the PA... Anyway hope you know you're not alone Work on yourself if you can, take a course, go for a hike somewhere new and interesting, cook a complicated recipe...exercise That helps me Link to post Share on other sites
Author WNYer Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 Thank you all for responding. Wow, its amazing how the feelings are almost common. I am female and get so excited to see OM. It use to be all the time but due to life changes its when we can. And because I am more flexible and can sneak away more often, it seems like its more on his time. That is the sucky part because I am not getting what I want when I want it or want to see him. I don't want to break up our relationships. I don't see a future with him but somehow I just crave him so bad. So as the roller coaster goes...I see him and used goes my giddiness and when I can't down I go. I then suffer in silence at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WNYer Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 wYNer...big hugs...it's a roller coaster for sure!! I haven't posted recently because when I go back and read my post I sound so unlike who I actually want to be...and then I feel worse But keep reading here on LS, it helps me understand my situation a little more, gives me a little strength to get through the day...no matter what choices I make, right or wrong...gives me hope that someday I'll remedy my life... I hope posting/reading here helps you too, helps you not feel alone your post touched a nerve You are not alone God only knows why we choose to be/stay in these relationships I'm still trying to figure it out My counselor says its like being addicted to cocaine...that's how strong the response is in your brain chemistry...we're addicted that's why we stay even when we are "hungover"(lonely) from the A...as soon as they reach out we get a "hit" of our drug and forget the hangover... I was feeling so alone in my marriage then A started and I felt alive again, appreciated, pretty, smart, funny...but...like in any relationship the honeymoon ends and Almost two years in and I'm caught in a day to day battle of negotiating an emotional roller coaster. I've started to think of myself as a "spouse without benefits", for my MM I'm there to pick up the emotional "dirty laundry"(when things are bad at work or home), give him pats on the back when he helps out at his house and his W doesn't appreciate it(he never cleans my house or fixes my broken stuff), Ohhh and ahhh over his nice meals he cooks and sends me pictures of!(but never get to eat them)....and well then there's the PA... Anyway hope you know you're not alone Work on yourself if you can, take a course, go for a hike somewhere new and interesting, cook a complicated recipe...exercise That helps me Ha...this is good. You are right. I appreciate your thoughts and the acknowledgement. I too fight with the "why am I doing this.". I just get sucked back in everytime. It is a strong and powerful drug. It takes me to another place and I just get to forget about everything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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