Married but broken up recently and still sharing a bed

[bretav007]

I'm not sure where to start, Jan 31 my husband told me he wanted a divorce.We have been having problems in our marriage for a while now and have been trying to work on them and make them better.I don't know what to do with my self, my husband was my first and we have 2 beautiful babies together aged 4 and 3. we got married young at age 19 and now are 23.I am still so much in love with my husband so it really hurts, it hurts to know that the reason we are getting a divorce is because of me.Our problems were small ones that turned into something big.1 how I discipline the kids "you am to soft and not strict enough.That's why they test you. they don't respect you, and look at me like i am the mean guy because i have to do all the discipline i am the mean one" 2.intimacy 3.i don't appreciate him etc. It was all ways something i did.I did discipline i was just way more patient and gave more chances then him and it didn't always work like i wanted it to but they are kids they are trying to discover and push boundaries

 

I admit that i do have a intimacy problem, sex is never on my mind and i just don't want it anymore and when we did have it,it was because i love him and want to have sex with my husband but it was like "ok we didn't do anything yesterday he is going to want to tonight so i have to do it for him"in all fairness my husband was very open that he was unhappy in the marriage but loved me and wanted to make it work but would reach a breaking point and he reached it. we would be good for a while then boom argument; not a normal back and forth but more of a one sided him mad and me crying and silent because i don't know what to say and when i say something it makes it worse and all i hear back is "i have heard that before you have nothing new to say"and its hard because it is so fresh and we live together still in our first apartment together which will be our last, we still sleep in the same bed because we have no choice.

 

There is no hate between us and we are trying to keep our family normal but eventually we will live separate lives and i don't know how to handle that.our families don't know about the impending doom of our sometime later in the year or next year divorce or the abortion i had to have in august that i regret but we agreed on because our situation wasn't good.Right now i find my self staying the night at my grandma's house for the 3rd time in this week so he could have time to his self and be with his friends or alone even though i truly would have rather been at home because i feel disconnected to my own family.I want to cry and scream and break down but find my self not able to because I'm stuck between feelings of hating my self,feeling sad, feeling OK,feeling numb,feeling happy being with my babies, and wish he would just roll over and cuddly me like he would normally do when we were in bed going to sleep.he made it clear we are over and he plans on moving out and the kids will be with me and he will still see them all the time and that if and when he starts to date again he will have me meet the women to feel her out and that even though we are not together we are and always will be family and his family is mine etc. and i feel the same way but it is just so hard right now i just don't know how to feel. this was my first real relationship and i caused it to fail, i don't think i can open my heart to anyone again.

 

Has anyone else been in my situation? not having major marriage problems like cheating just becoming incompatible as u got older and wanting it to work because you never had a good home life with 2 parents or even 1 and wanting to give your kids what you didn't have. a 2 parent household

[purplesorrow]

You sound very beat down and tired. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Marriage requires hard work from both people. Your faults seem to be the spotlight, what are his? Do you not enjoy sex with him? What does he do to make you feel wanted and loved?

Why do you have to leave your home if he needs space? You are either divorcing or you're not. Whichever direction you two have chosen, you need to go in that direction. I can't see sleeping in the same bed with someone I'm divorcing. Will you live together after the divorce?

[whichwayisup]

For the sake of your two very young children, you owe it to them as well as to yourselves to go to marriage counseling and work together to fix your marriage, learn how to communicate, compromise, listen to one another, find that love and connection that made you fall in love and get married. Don't give up, talk to your husband. I hope he is willing to work with you to make your marriage better.

[bretav007]

You sound very beat down and tired. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Marriage requires hard work from both people. Your faults seem to be the spotlight, what are his? Do you not enjoy sex with him? What does he do to make you feel wanted and loved?

Why do you have to leave your home if he needs space? You are either divorcing or you're not. Whichever direction you two have chosen, you need to go in that direction. I can't see sleeping in the same bed with someone I'm divorcing. Will you live together after the divorce?

His faults would be how fast he loses patience I guess I havent really thought of his faults because I look past the little annoying things and accepted it as a part of his personality.and we would eventually have different homes.as for sex I don't know;a majority of the time I feel uncomfortable not because of him but my lady parts feel uncomfortable or it hurts and I just can't relax and enjoy the moment.

Right now I can't think about what he did to make me feel loved my mind just won't go there.and financially we have no choice but to share a bed.

[bretav007]

For the sake of your two very young children, you owe it to them as well as to yourselves to go to marriage counseling and work together to fix your marriage, learn how to communicate, compromise, listen to one another, find that love and connection that made you fall in love and get married. Don't give up, talk to your husband. I hope he is willing to work with you to make your marriage better.

 

At this point he isn't willing because it just happened and he wants to be a 23 yr old that can be spontaneous and have a life not in a relationship.I think he feels he is missing out on just being a young guy that does what young 23, yr old guys do. Not to mean drinking and going to clubs every night and partying.I never called about that stuff I was a homebody happy to stay home and watching harry potter near Christmas going out every now and again with friends

[purplesorrow]

His faults would be how fast he loses patience I guess I havent really thought of his faults because I look past the little annoying things and accepted it as a part of his personality.and we would eventually have different homes.as for sex I don't know;a majority of the time I feel uncomfortable not because of him but my lady parts feel uncomfortable or it hurts and I just can't relax and enjoy the moment.

Right now I can't think about what he did to make me feel loved my mind just won't go there.and financially we have no choice but to share a bed.

 

Perhaps there is an underlying medical issue that you could look into. I will add that sex starts well before you get to the bedroom. There appears to be a disconnect there too. You are both responsible, not just you. Sorry for your situation.

[MJJean]

hate to break it to him, but he's a father. Single or divorced, he's NEVER, ever, ever, ever, going to be a footloose and fancy free 23 year old.

 

He'll still have to work and he'll have to pay child support. He'll have to maintain a decent place to live where the children can visit in safety with everything they need. He'll have to do ALL of the child care and feeding when they're with him at his place. And he'll have to save for emergencies, retirement, the kids future's, etc.

 

So, yeah, considering the time and expense that goes into being a father, his life isn't going to be that much different.

[bretav007]

hate to break it to him, but he's a father. Single or divorced, he's NEVER, ever, ever, ever, going to be a footloose and fancy free 23 year old.

 

He'll still have to work and he'll have to pay child support. He'll have to maintain a decent place to live where the children can visit in safety with everything they need. He'll have to do ALL of the child care and feeding when they're with him at his place. And he'll have to save for emergencies, retirement, the kids future's, etc.

 

So, yeah, considering the time and expense that goes into being a father, his life isn't going to be that much different.

As I stated he has no interest in being foot loose and he does take care of his responsibility of being a father they are his top priority.we have spoken about everything and are in a good place.he wasnt happy and I have to admit I wasn't either because of the drama.we still love each other but have learned at this point being together isnt what is right for us as a person.and after some grow up,and we may grow closer and back together one day

[Mr. Lucky]

As I stated he has no interest in being foot loose and he does take care of his responsibility of being a father they are his top priority.we have spoken about everything and are in a good place.he wasnt happy and I have to admit I wasn't either because of the drama.we still love each other but have learned at this point being together isnt what is right for us as a person.and after some grow up,and we may grow closer and back together one day

 

Doesn't mean you won't need too protect yourself and your kids with custody and support agreements. Have your seen a lawyer?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

As I stated he has no interest in being foot loose and he does take care of his responsibility of being a father they are his top priority.we have spoken about everything and are in a good place.he wasnt happy and I have to admit I wasn't either because of the drama.we still love each other but have learned at this point being together isnt what is right for us as a person.and after some grow up,and we may grow closer and back together one day

 

If he said he wanted to split up in part so he could be a "normal 23 year old", then he absolutely wants to be footloose and fancy free. Because that's what most 23 year olds are! Most 23 year olds are either still in college and just about to finish their degrees or working and living/spending as they please. They're out with friends, partying, hooking up, etc. Most of which he won't be able to do or will only be able to do rarely as he should have the kids 50% of the time in addition to whatever child support is assigned by the court. So, if he's thinking he'll be magically able to become like most of his peers, he's wrong.

[sandylee1]

I think you married too young. Two young kids is a lot of responsibility for two young people as you are.

 

When you say you've been working on the marriage. ...how exactly have you done that?

 

Diid you try counseling as a couple?

 

Perhaps the pressures of having children haven't left you any time for each other. It doesn't sound like you had any time just as a married couple before kids came along.

 

Did you ever do date nights ? It's really important to keep that flame alive and not be in parent mode all the time. You get disconnected with each other and that leads to detachment.

 

Can anything be done to save the marriage or has he reached the point where he's not in love with you anymore? Could anything turn it around?

 

Or get individual alone time away from the kids?

Parenting is also something to work on....you need to be a team on that score....there is a very good parenting book..called 'the parenting puzzle' ...if you're interested I'll get the author's name for you.

 

I wish you'd come here before things got to this stage......because when the love has gone on one side. ..it's really hard to get it back.

 

I am sorry it's come down to divorce..but if you can...try and see your doctor about pain during sex. Or look online for what might be the cause. This is important as it will be a problem for you going forward in future relationships..unless you plan to be alone for life.

 

I hate marriages breaking down......it's hard work and those early years are tough.

[bretav007]

You are probably right, we didn't have time before the kids top be married.no we didn't have date nights our time together without the kids what so ever,there was no room for spontaneous times together.right now we are in a place of equal understanding that we need to take a break and have time to grow as people and once day it'd the timing and feelings are right we may be together.we still love each other and want to have a healthy family even if it means we are not together.we aren't getting divorced any time soon its more like a break or separation that will one day be permanent or it won't

I think you married too young. Two young kids is a lot of responsibility for two young people as you are.

 

When you say you've been working on the marriage. ...how exactly have you done that?

 

Diid you try counseling as a couple?

 

Perhaps the pressures of having children haven't left you any time for each other. It doesn't sound like you had any time just as a married couple before kids came along.

 

Did you ever do date nights ? It's really important to keep that flame alive and not be in parent mode all the time. You get disconnected with each other and that leads to detachment.

 

Can anything be done to save the marriage or has he reached the point where he's not in love with you anymore? Could anything turn it around?

 

Or get individual alone time away from the kids?

Parenting is also something to work on....you need to be a team on that score....there is a very good parenting book..called 'the parenting puzzle' ...if you're interested I'll get the author's name for you.

 

I wish you'd come here before things got to this stage......because when the love has gone on one side. ..it's really hard to get it back.

 

I am sorry it's come down to divorce..but if you can...try and see your doctor about pain during sex. Or look online for what might be the cause. This is important as it will be a problem for you going forward in future relationships..unless you plan to be alone for life.

 

I hate marriages breaking down......it's hard work and those early years are tough.

[bretav007]

So we slipped up and were intimate 3 times and it was great but each time he would say this isnt going to be a normal thing.Today and yesterday were really hard for me, I got home and just wanted to cry.last night I had a anxiety attack which he doesn't know about and couldn't fall asleep until around 5am to only have to wake up early.Today we had a disagreement and since he was having a bad day he got snappy.I'm really vulnerable and sensitive right now so I went in the bathroom and cried. A hr or so later he says “next time you want to go in the bathroom and cry make sure when u come out there is nothing on your face.you crying just makes me want to mpve out that much faster.you knew this was coming for years" so I guess since I knew it was coming I have to be completely normal like nothing is happening? I can't be saddened,hurt,anxious,and depressed about my marriage gping to **** even though we tried to keep it together. I have to be ok knowing he is going to date and has accepted dates even though I'm still in love with him.I'm supposed to feel nothing and be just ok after only breaking up on the 31st of WHAT!?. Every time his phone goes off with text I wonder who it is or if its a girl.I'm losing my **** and feel like breaking down but..to my kids I smile and say I love daddy I make everything normal they dont even know whats going on they are to young to understand stand it.they dont know in a few months time daddy will have a new house.how am I supposed feel I miss my husband.

[MellyMel]

So we slipped up and were intimate 3 times and it was great but each time he would say this isnt going to be a normal thing.Today and yesterday were really hard for me, I got home and just wanted to cry.last night I had a anxiety attack which he doesn't know about and couldn't fall asleep until around 5am to only have to wake up early.Today we had a disagreement and since he was having a bad day he got snappy.I'm really vulnerable and sensitive right now so I went in the bathroom and cried. A hr or so later he says “next time you want to go in the bathroom and cry make sure when u come out there is nothing on your face.you crying just makes me want to mpve out that much faster.you knew this was coming for years" so I guess since I knew it was coming I have to be completely normal like nothing is happening? I can't be saddened,hurt,anxious,and depressed about my marriage gping to **** even though we tried to keep it together. I have to be ok knowing he is going to date and has accepted dates even though I'm still in love with him.I'm supposed to feel nothing and be just ok after only breaking up on the 31st of WHAT!?. Every time his phone goes off with text I wonder who it is or if its a girl.I'm losing my **** and feel like breaking down but..to my kids I smile and say I love daddy I make everything normal they dont even know whats going on they are to young to understand stand it.they dont know in a few months time daddy will have a new house.how am I supposed feel I miss my husband.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation, but I've finally realized that this is for the best. Your husband sounds like mine: extremely selfish.

 

You have kids so that complicates things even more, but know that with every day that passes, the crying and pain will subside. I highly recommend that you go see a therapist for your own sake. He's a lost cause. Too immature to be a family man. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I tried for 5 years and he still wanted out. You are worth more than what you've experienced.

[ShatteredLady]

Im so sorry. What does splitting-up to work on yourselves look like? It just sounds suspiciously like he wants to be a single 23 year old to play the field for a while & then decide if he'd rather be a husband & father. He's dating already?

 

Given the age of your children how on earth could you of known that this was coming for years?

 

I'm sorry. I don't think that splitting-up to fix a marriage is a logical concept! You work on it together. Does he a have a good relationship with his parents? Why haven't you told people? You need support! Pregnancy, birth, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, hormonal crazy etc then add stressful marriage, abortion OMG!!

 

Being parents of very little children is exhausting & an immense life changing experience. It's bloody hard! People a hell of a lot older than you guys find it an incredible strain on their relationship.

 

Show your husband this forum. He's a FATHER. How on earth is him dating & playing single (FUNDAMENTALLY changing his children's lives forever) going to solve anything? Look at the age of your babies. You don't just throw the towel in now. Things will start to get easier as they age now.

 

Oh I'm sorry. This is just so sad. I completely understand that some marriages are just wrong & divorce is the best solution but for the sake of the FAMILY try. Go to MC. Buy all the books. Do the WORK. life isn't easy & FAMILY shouldn't be so disposable. I find it so tragic.

 

I know this is in his hands at the moment but you sound so very exhausted & out of fight. You don't sound angry at him. He's a married father. He doesn't get to sleep with you & date like a 'normal 23 year old'!!

[bretav007]

The other night we had a argument.I had been holding everything in and kinda exploded on him.I don't want to paint him as a bad person because we have talked about everything for a while he kept letting me know he was unhappy and losing attraction would make the changes he was saying made him unhappy but they wouldn't stick.yeah he has dated couple times now.me none.I was a virgin b4 my husband and haven't been with anyone.so far I have told only 2 friends and he has told his friends,his and some fam.I cried hard last night and he listened. He told me he loves me and ideally wants to be with me but was unhappy in our marriage.the only time I felt unhappy was when we were fighting. Other than that he made me feel happy.I noticed I use to laugh at all his jokes and now for a long while I didn't.I have been trying so long to change into the wife he wants but it just wouldn't stick.he has been unhappy for a long time but wanted our family to work because we both grew up without dads or strong family lives.I feel like I failed my babies.if only I made the changes stay we would be happy together.every time I hear his text notification go off I feel jealous because I wonder if its a girl.I admit I have abandonment issues from my mom so its just hard to deal with the loss of my husband.I am trying to keep it normal so we can be best friends but it is hard when I think of the future of what if he is dating someone and I still am in love with him.I dont want to date because I already messed this up.I cant handle this again.I feel like crying every day even though I might smile or laugh.I'm just pretending until I can actually feel happy and normal again.I mean dont get me wrong my kids make me smile and laugh for real and sometimes even he does. But after that is over I remember the pain and hurt and just smile through it.I have no one esle to talk to as I can't talk to my fam because they will makr it worse and I dont see my self going for therapy.I just want the time to pass so that my pain dulls and is more bearable.I would have be alone with my babies and focus on my self if I cant be a married happy family with my husband.I just feel overwhelmed by everything and sensitive so much that any mean tone makes me want to break down.I see him every day sleep in the same bed every night so its just hard because I feel broken hearted.he is a good guy a good dad and he was a good husband he eas always open about how he felt.I was a person who held things in which didn't help our communication problems.he tried hard to stay even when it was hurting him I just love him so much he is my first love,first everything which makes it harder.I just dont knoe how to deal so im not depressed looking all the time. Because I know it hurts him because he still loves me and would love to be with me we just werent working.I know it my self that at this time we need time from each other but I dont want to lose him to anyone at the sametime. And I fear that I will. That one day he will find someone he is happier with and wants to be with them and I will be stuck there still in love with him and pretending to be happy for him at the sametime happy that he is happy.im scared,and hurt,I just want my alone time to scream and cry my eyes outs,break down and get every emotion out but im not getting it and wont get it.Because I have to be normal mom,normal oh hey fam no me and the hubby are good even though im coming over out of nowhere now women,oh hey honey oh yeah we arent that anymore. I want to get to the faze where I am able to handle it instead of feeling like breaking every time he looks annoyed or every time he gets a text wondering if its a girl and if they are dating or being intimate.(which he hasn't been with anyone but me S of yet) I just hope I dont break when I find out he is dating seriously

[bretav007]

Don't Divorce Yet! 3 Shocking Signs You're Still In Love | YourTango

I found this and I feel like it describes us in a way.I mean he has told me flat out that he still loves me.we have broken up before but it only would last a week I was never the one to say hey lets break up he was. This time though he used the word divorce.last night I was so out of it that he was using a example to prove a point I had to calm my self from hyperventilating.I had a total melt down on him last night and as I was calming down he let me cry and told him how he has to talking to his friends and I told him how I haven't cried since he gave me the news and had been holding it in I felt better crying and venting to him.nothing in our household has changed except we are not “together" which In a weird way makes it hard.I find my self wanting to already wanting to have different homes but then it changes and I dont want that.I guess I just want to ignore everything and feel numb towards it so that nothing hurts or affects me.I just am gonna have to take it day by day

[testmeasure]

Some of the things you describe sound exactly like some of the things I experienced.

 

First, you had a list of 3 items. By the time I was done there were dozens.

 

You describe that your husband has been telling you that he is unhappy for years. In my case, my ex was unhappy for about a year and repeatedly threatened separation or divorce.

 

I wanted to keep the family together. So, I went into a mode of ok, what's broken. I got lists of a lot more than 3 things, mostly related to child care. (She was working from home and I was taking care of our daughter while she worked.)

 

A lot of the things on the list were things that I thought there was nothing wrong with. It seemed like she wanted them done her way. To me either way seemed perfectly valid and just a mater of parenting style.

 

My ex wife had a lot of anger along with her unhappiness. So, pointing out that my way was equally valid didn't go over well. I got reminded just how unhappy she was.

 

So, if I wanted to keep the family together I had to accept that my way was wrong and "fix" my behavior.

 

I tried to keep it in my mind that I found some of her positions questionable.

 

Fast forward a year. She files for divorce, now there are 3rd parties involved. Attorneys, court appointed investigators, counselors.

 

By that time, even when I was telling the 3rd parties "my side" of the story, I would tell them what I had done that was wrong, how I had fixed it. They would give me a confused look and tell me they didn't see anything wrong with what I had done. At that point I would actually start defending my ex wife's position, listing out all her reasons. I'd finish by saying how reasonable she was.

 

Finally my lawyer said "You keep telling me she's reasonable. I haven't heard a single reasonable thing yet."

 

Let's look at your 3 issues.

 

(1) Discipline

(2) Sex drive

(3) Showing him appreciation

 

Discipline - patient or strict. This is a parenting style choice. If everyone was being reasonable, you two would sit down and work this out together. You would work together to figure out if there was a way to make you each having your own style work. If not, then you'd compromise.

 

He is using "being unhappy" to get a shortcut by making your way wrong.

 

Sex drive - If everyone was being reasonable, this is another thing both of you would sit down and work out together. You might both share in researching the topic. You would figure out things to try together to improve it. If nothing worked you would both figure out how investigate whether there was a medical reason for it or solution to it.

 

Again, he is using "being unhappy" to get a shortcut by making your behavior wrong and then leaving you to figure it out. Problem is, it's something that involves both of you and you might not even be able to figure it out on your own.

 

Showing him appreciation - Based on what you've written here, it sounds like you clearly appreciate him more than he does you. But in any case, if everyone was being reasonable, the to of you would sit down and work through this together. You would figure out if the problem was just that you were too busy and there wasn't a lot of opportunity. Or maybe you're showing appreciation but not in a way that he understands.

 

Yet again, he is using "being unhappy" to get a shortcut to your behavior wrong and then leaving you to figure it out. Problem is, it's something that involves both of you and you might not even be able to figure it out on your own.

 

The bottom line is, he's unhappy, so you're trying to do whatever it is to make him happy. Over time that somehow gets transformed into any other way of doing things is wrong.

 

Now his "being unhappy" has gotten him so much control that he can go off and date while still having you as a fallback?

 

Well I guess that mirrors my experience. In my case, her unhappiness resulted in me not being able to leave the house for a year.

 

... and the two of us are almost twice your age.

 

Having a partner who is "unhappy" while you yourself are willing to do anything to save the family is a horrible combination. It destroys joint decision making in the relationship. In every disagreement your side is automatically wrong. The other side doesn't even have to come sit down at the negotiating table.

 

 

.

Edited January 13, 2016 by testmeasure

[sandylee1]

Sorry things aren't going so well. I think you need to change things round your home a little. You husband is acting very immature with little regard for your feelings.... so I suggest you stop any begging or looking sad around him.

 

You have two little ones and you also need a break from them..... get him to stay home with the kids while you go out in the evenings as well. You could be just visiting a friend or family member. If you don't want to do that.. you can even go to the library.. start reading up about divorce and how to coparent... ANYTHING to get you out of the house and spend time alone.

 

Go out for walks. .. look into an evening class.. do something for yourself.

 

The sadness is making you look unappealing to him ...so just accept that you alone cannot make the marriage work. Start believing in yourself and start loving yourself a bit more.

 

I think he's simply making excuses and probably realises you got married too early. It's a lot of responsibility for a 23 year old.... and men take longer to mature anyway.

 

Don't let all the childcare fall on you..make sure he pulls his weight with the kids.

 

You may not feel like it now... but you are way too young to live a single life..... but that would simply boost his ego and make his head swell if you stayed on your own. He'll go from one relationship to the next and use you for a booty call..knowing you'll never say no.

 

That would be the perfect life for HIM.. The ex staying loyal and him playing the field. When he realises another man could be spending more time with his kids ....you could very well see a different side to him.

 

So...make yourself feel good..get pretty lingerie (for you), look good (for you) and walk like a confident woman.

 

 

---------------------------- The points below are to help you move on ---------

 

- Act as if you are moving on with your life.

 

- Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

 

- Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

 

- When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

 

- If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

 

- You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

 

- Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

 

- No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

 

- Never lose your cool.

 

- Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

- Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

 

- Be patient

 

- Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

 

- Be strong and confident.

 

 

- Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

[bretav007]

You are right after being wrong all the time I just tried to do it his way.so I would be Asking all the time what do you want how do you want it.and would hold back saying what I felt because I am thinking he will try to prove me wrong and I will be defensive and then a argument will happen.every argument its my fault and im wrong.he will admit when he is wrong but still all ways my fault.he is a blunt person even with me if he feels he should say it he usually does not all the time but he will.i am a quiet person who will ignore someone giving dirty looks and stray away from arguments.literally our arguments his him being mad and yelling and me almost silent because I am afriad of making it worse.then he gets even more annoyed because I dont say anything besides I know I understand im sorry.he has never put his hands on me and never would he has gotten in my face though and I do think mu parenting style is more patient them him.when we first met I told him I want discipline done together and I still do he just doesn't give as much chances as me. Sex drive his is very high mine barely there I waited until 18 till I lost my virginity and it was to him we have talked about in the beginning of our relationship I had no problems with sex now I did. The 3 times we were intimate lately no problems.i do appreciate him more than anything he is my first real love.i try to be helpful and it backfires on me.i always tell him I support him in anything he does even now I do because we are family.maybe u are right he wants to play the field because we married and settled down to young.i would never say no to him if he came back and he knows that. I did tell him if he asked to get back together I would say no because I want to grow and mature and not having to go through this again if we ever did get back together but damn I miss him.i have anxiety because of the what ifs that revolve around him dating.

Some of the things you describe sound exactly like some of the things I experienced.

 

First, you had a list of 3 items. By the time I was done there were dozens.

 

You describe that your husband has been telling you that he is unhappy for years. In my case, my ex was unhappy for about a year and repeatedly threatened separation or divorce.

 

I wanted to keep the family together. So, I went into a mode of ok, what's broken. I got lists of a lot more than 3 things, mostly related to child care. (She was working from home and I was taking care of our daughter while she worked.)

 

A lot of the things on the list were things that I thought there was nothing wrong with. It seemed like she wanted them done her way. To me either way seemed perfectly valid and just a mater of parenting style.

 

My ex wife had a lot of anger along with her unhappiness. So, pointing out that my way was equally valid didn't go over well. I got reminded just how unhappy she was.

 

So, if I wanted to keep the family together I had to accept that my way was wrong and "fix" my behavior.

 

I tried to keep it in my mind that I found some of her positions questionable.

 

Fast forward a year. She files for divorce, now there are 3rd parties involved. Attorneys, court appointed investigators, counselors.

 

By that time, even when I was telling the 3rd parties "my side" of the story, I would tell them what I had done that was wrong, how I had fixed it. They would give me a confused look and tell me they didn't see anything wrong with what I had done. At that point I would actually start defending my ex wife's position, listing out all her reasons. I'd finish by saying how reasonable she was.

 

Finally my lawyer said "You keep telling me she's reasonable. I haven't heard a single reasonable thing yet."

 

Let's look at your 3 issues.

 

(1) Discipline

(2) Sex drive

(3) Showing him appreciation

 

Discipline - patient or strict. This is a parenting style choice. If everyone was being reasonable, you two would sit down and work this out together. You would work together to figure out if there was a way to make you each having your own style work. If not, then you'd compromise.

 

He is using "being unhappy" to get a shortcut by making your way wrong.

 

Sex drive - If everyone was being reasonable, this is another thing both of you would sit down and work out together. You might both share in researching the topic. You would figure out things to try together to improve it. If nothing worked you would both figure out how investigate whether there was a medical reason for it or solution to it.

 

Again, he is using "being unhappy" to get a shortcut by making your behavior wrong and then leaving you to figure it out. Problem is, it's something that involves both of you and you might not even be able to figure it out on your own.

 

Showing him appreciation - Based on what you've written here, it sounds like you clearly appreciate him more than he does you. But in any case, if everyone was being reasonable, the to of you would sit down and work through this together. You would figure out if the problem was just that you were too busy and there wasn't a lot of opportunity. Or maybe you're showing appreciation but not in a way that he understands.

 

Yet again, he is using "being unhappy" to get a shortcut to your behavior wrong and then leaving you to figure it out. Problem is, it's something that involves both of you and you might not even be able to figure it out on your own.

 

The bottom line is, he's unhappy, so you're trying to do whatever it is to make him happy. Over time that somehow gets transformed into any other way of doing things is wrong.

 

Now his "being unhappy" has gotten him so much control that he can go off and date while still having you as a fallback?

 

Well I guess that mirrors my experience. In my case, her unhappiness resulted in me not being able to leave the house for a year.

 

... and the two of us are almost twice your age.

 

Having a partner who is "unhappy" while you yourself are willing to do anything to save the family is a horrible combination. It destroys joint decision making in the relationship. In every disagreement your side is automatically wrong. The other side doesn't even have to come sit down at the negotiating table.

 

 

.

[stillafool]

If he wants to leave let him. I would make him sleep on the sofa since he wants to separate. Why should you allow him in your bed when you do not want sex anyway? Stop begging him. Do you work?

[turnera]

His faults would be how fast he loses patience I guess I havent really thought of his faults because I look past the little annoying things and accepted it as a part of his personality.and we would eventually have different homes.as for sex I don't know;a majority of the time I feel uncomfortable not because of him but my lady parts feel uncomfortable or it hurts and I just can't relax and enjoy the moment.

Right now I can't think about what he did to make me feel loved my mind just won't go there.and financially we have no choice but to share a bed.

Has he raised his voice at you? How often?

Has he ever touched you angrily? Pinch, push, hit?

Does he help with housekeeping?

Do you work?

How often does he hang out with his friends?

Does he take care of the kids and let you go do things on your own, like go to the mall or have lunch with friends?

In what way do your lady parts feel uncomfortable? Please be as specific as you can.

Has he discussed how he's going to be paying you the child support he will owe? You need to make it QUITE CLEAR to him that you WILL be demanding that child support.

 

And what do you mean 'he has accepted dates?' He's DATING?!

I don't see my self going for therapy

Err. Wrong answer. MAKE YOURSELF see yourself going to therapy. You need a professional to guide you through this.

 

PS: please break your posts up into paragraphs so we can read more easily, ok?

Edited January 13, 2016 by turnera

[bretav007]

Sorry have been posting on my phone. Im not going the whole child support route because he is still a dad to them.even when we will apart we plan on still doing things as a family he will care for the kids as normal but they will just be living with me.

 

As far as sex sorry for the graphic nature. I would feel him inside me and it would feel ok but it felt like he was touch something that felt uncomfortable,and would hurt.one area I would feel pain is like near my ovaries just above the below the bellybutton near the hip bone and pelvic bone even when we tried something new it would feel like he was in my stomach.

 

Yes he is thinking of dating has been asked out and agreed.one of the girls he talks to every day through text but she is kinda friendzoned.he hasnt been intimate with anyone esle.and said that they just want sex and that isnt what he wants.

 

No I haven't had time without the kids to hang with friends only he has.I am not working only he is but I am looking.the thought of needing therapy scares me

[sandylee1]

Sorry have been posting on my phone. Im not going the whole child support route because he is still a dad to them.even when we will apart we plan on still doing things as a family he will care for the kids as normal but they will just be living with me.

 

As far as sex sorry for the graphic nature. I would feel him inside me and it would feel ok but it felt like he was touch something that felt uncomfortable,and would hurt.one area I would feel pain is like near my ovaries just above the below the bellybutton near the hip bone and pelvic bone even when we tried something new it would feel like he was in my stomach.

 

Yes he is thinking of dating has been asked out and agreed.one of the girls he talks to every day through text but she is kinda friendzoned.he hasnt been intimate with anyone esle.and said that they just want sex and that isnt what he wants.

 

No I haven't had time without the kids to hang with friends only he has.I am not working only he is but I am looking.the thought of needing therapy scares me

 

You are being used and you're too naive to see it.

 

If you get divorced..then you are legally entitled to child support and you will need it....unless your husband agrees to buy everything the children need.

 

If you're not working..how do you plan to live? How will you eat and pay bills?

 

You are also entiltled to spousal support... you need to see a lawyer and very quickly. If you think not asking for what you're entitled to will bring him back..you're wrong.

 

Start getting respect for being a wife and mother.

Like I said..start going out

 

Do you plan to get a job?

If so who will pay the daycare ?

 

Seriously..... it's time you faced up to what's happening and start discussing what visitation will look like.

 

He wants a divorce? You need to let him know what to expect when you're divorced. You shouldn't have him breezing in and out of your house when he wants.

 

You need a formal arrangement... his set days..so that you can make plans and get on with your life.

 

If you are the only parent looking after them ALL the time......you will get worn down and stressed and start aging prematurely. Meanwhile your Ex will be looking good and living the single life..footloose and fancy free...dropping in to see his kids when he's not on dates.

 

Step your game up girl......and quickly....or you'll regret not doing so.

[testmeasure]

literally our arguments his him being mad and yelling and me almost silent because I am afriad of making it worse.then he gets even more annoyed because I dont say anything

 

When my ex had hostile criticism of my child care, my response was to explain why I had done something the way I had and ask questions to figure out how I could do it "right" the next time.

 

Explaining myself and asking questions quickly became regarded as me arguing. Then she changed to describing me as yelling. That was confusing because she was the one who was angry and I was calm. Sometimes even as it was happening she would tell me I was yelling. I would point out that I was not yelling. She would say, well you look angry so it's the same thing as yelling. By the end of the divorce she was referring to it as abuse with no description or explanation of what she meant.

 

That was the progression for me. Only toward the end I realized what was going on and that's what I want you to pay attention to.

 

By the end I realized that, if she was upset and I was quiet, she accused me of being passive aggressive. If I talked, I was yelling. If I tried to go work on something and made any noise at all, I was banging stuff around out of anger.

 

By the end, I realized once she went off, there was really absolutely nothing I could do. No matter what I did do she would perceive it however she wanted.

 

Next point.

 

I was almost twice your age. I have a collage degree in a subject that requires critical thinking and being able to step outside yourself and look at any situation. I have another collage degree in an engineering field.

 

With all my age and education, I still made a huge mistake.

 

I thought that if I kept it straight in my own mind what I thought was reasonable and unreasonable that I would not be damaged by trying to do things her way in order to save the family. I still knew what was reasonable and what wasn't, so I thought I couldn't be damaged.

 

Toward the end at one point, she yelled "Don't act all hen pecked. You're not hen pecked." My response was "I don't feel hen pecked, I'm not trying to act hen pecked. If anything I feel shell shocked. I never know when I'm going to get in trouble."

 

It turns out, living in an environment of constant hostility and uncertainty does exactly that. It actually rewires the nervous system to be in a constant state of fear and anxiety. That actually is what shell shock is. War is a constant hostile and uncertain environment. It re-wires you so that the alarm bell is always on. You're always afraid and anxious and ready for something to go wrong.

 

After you're out of that situation, over time the constant fear and anxiety subsides. But it still gets re-triggered if something reminds you of the situation.

 

The stereotypical thing is a car backfires and someone back from a war ducks for cover.

 

In my case, when I'd go to a handoff to pickup my daughter, the sight of my ex would trigger a reaction where I got sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety. That doesn't happen anymore now. But any time there is a hint of disagreement or even misunderstanding, I still experience fear and anxiety.

 

Connecting back to an earlier issue, hypothetically, if my ex ever did want to get back together, do you think I could ever even be physically intimate with her if my hard-wired physical reflex reaction to her is "duck and cover"?

 

The point is, if he is subjecting you to hostility and uncertainty, eventually it will be more than your sex drive that shuts down.

 

 

.

Edited January 14, 2016 by testmeasure