BF to Friends to FWB (w/semi-LDR)

[amylynn]

Hi Everyone -

 

Ok, without having to write a book about my situation, I'm just posting to see if anyone has experienced this before and how the experience was for them.

 

Was in relationship with this guy (I am 31 - well, will be soon - and he is 38). We broke it off mutually as it was bad timing for us and we were both going through our own troubles at the time - and, really, spent way too much time together as well as living together. We did maintain a friendship after the breakup. He moves about 2 hours away, we maintain the friendship and talk at least once to twice a week (msn, phone, etc..) and moreso now - we have sex a couple times when he came back on weekends. The last time we had sex was a month ago.

 

On Memorial Day we talk on the phone and clearly define where each of us stand now and define our relationship boundries - i.e. FWB. We repeated back to each other the others' intentions and so forth, so we are very clear as to what is going on. No one is expecting nor wanting reconcilliation, but rather a reconnecting on a friendship level...neither one of us is looking to "date" anyone and both of us are focusing on our own selves right now. I'm actually finding this very freeing and have since moved past our past BF/GF relationship. It actually helps that there is a slight distance (I don't really consider 2 hours away an LDR or anything, hence the "semi-LDR" in the title) as often I felt smothered (especially in the beginning) by too much togetherness.

 

My question(s) is/are: Has anyone had a BF/GF relationship with someone (for any length of time) and broke up mutually, maintained a friendship and then gone to FWB?

 

How is it working out (or, how did it work out) for both parties? Were boundries set ahead of time and made clear or did it just happen and everything was assumed (i.e. what were the communication patterns, if any)?

 

Any positives/negatives?

 

I'm asking these mostly out of a curiosity rather than advice. I'm clear on where I stand and he's clear where he stands (and we're clear on where each other stands... ).

 

Thanks!

[sarah12]

My question(s) is/are: Has anyone had a BF/GF relationship with someone (for any length of time) and broke up mutually, maintained a friendship and then gone to FWB?

Yes. Dated 4-5 months on/off, same situation as you -- all the troubles with our own selves at the time. Never really stopped having sex, he dated others, and we still had sex, basically became FWB.

 

How is it working out (or, how did it work out) for both parties?

I'm assuming that 'working out' means problem-free and you really do just have sex all the time. Well, this isn't the case as much as I would like it to be. We've become somewhat co-dependent and he's hinted at the 'girlfriend' word a few times too many. So no, it has not worked out as I would have liked it to, but that is due to lack of communication and..well, one person has feelings.

 

Were boundries set ahead of time and made clear or did it just happen and everything was assumed (i.e. what were the communication patterns, if any)?

No boundaries were set. It just happened that we couldn't stop having sex even though we didn't want the relationship.

 

The communication patterns -- one would want more than the other, but always at different times. He's dated others in the meantime while I have not (out of choice and I do not get jealous of the girls he dates). Sometimes issues arise when he's dating someone, even if he just goes on one date, because he doesn't want to disrespect the girl he's dating. I get mad because it's so inconsistent.

 

Any positives/negatives?

Positives: great sex and someone to satisfy your needs

Negaties: one always has feelings for the other, and you never know where to draw the line -- i.e. say he is dropping you off at home the next day, do you kiss him goodbye? do you give him a hug? if it's not defined, one will question at times whether or not you are in a relationship that isn't just FWB. Another negatives -- you can become co-dependent or never want a relationship again because you're used to your independence while satisfying your needs at the same time.

 

I'm asking these mostly out of a curiosity rather than advice. I'm clear on where I stand and he's clear where he stands (and we're clear on where each other stands... ).

Good, then it should probably work out better than mine, as long as both parties are honest.

[amylynn]

Thanks for your reply, Sarah. I really appreciate it

 

I can see how the inconsistency would be quite frustrating for you. Are you thinking of continuing it?

 

Nothing is ever "problem-free", but rather how the two can communicate. I think one thing that is on our side is that we have good communication and have set our boundries. We're both very focused on ourselves right now, and I really like the idea of the freedom of fwb without having to maintain a full-fledged relationship... Again, though, I cannot stress enough that people need to be upfront, on the same page and can make the distinction between friendship w/sex and romantic love, etc...especially if they are former partners.

 

As in anything, no one can predict the future of these and anything can happen (i.e. someone develops more feelings, we get bored with it, etc...). I think a good way to view it and go about it is to just live in the 'now' - have fun and maintain a friendship.

 

And, again, distance helps...

[sarah12]

And, again, distance helps... I want to end it at some point in time, when I get the guts to tell him that a relationship would never work between us. He already knows this as we've discussed it several times, and he even mentioned a few times that it would never work because we fight too much as bf/gf (but I get the feeling he says it because I say it). I feel that he's dependent on having someone in his life, whereas I don't really mind being single at all, but I do enjoy the sex.

 

It's good if you are both able to be communicate about it. I cannot really do the same b/c this guy gets defensive and is very insecure in so many ways. He won't let me go, because he's attached to our friendship. I wish it wasn't this way and the more I think about it, the more I know that I need to end it.

 

I think a good way to view it and go about it is to just live in the 'now' - have fun and maintain a friendship.

This is exactly what we have been doing and I wish it could stay this way forever, but at some point in time, someone is going to meet someone else, and it would probably be best to discuss this. I think I'm just going to end my fwb before it gets to this point b/c I don't want to deal with the emotions/dependency of this guy if I meet someone else.

 

And, again, distance helps...

It's funny b/c we are also semi-LDR. 1.5 hours

[blackendangel13]

Oh my goodness I have been in this boat. Honestly, with my two cents, someone will end up hurt in this scenerio. I have been FWB with my ex and I ended up using it as a crutch and never got over him until I let him go, and we were VERY clear about where we stood with each other. We talked about it all but actions speak louder than words and when his actions are that of loving you it makes you question the words.

 

I have been FWB with my best friend. It only happened once but I get jealousy twinges when I see him with other women. It is frustrating because I know I shouldn't feel that way because the boundaries are set and I don't want him as a boyfriend.

 

I used to be a big fan of the FWB arrangement, but with a lot of people it just causes more frustration, regardless of what the boundaries are, especially when its very soon after the break-up.

[XNemesisX]

Well it sounds like you two have a clear understanding of the boundaries so all is good. But maybe he has more feelings there???

 

I have only had one FWB where we both agreed that is what it was. It became really confusing because like someone else said, it could be awkward as to whether or not you kiss the person goodbye or just hug them, etc etc. Also, it got tricky when we started dating other people. There was jealousy there and then even after he became involved with another girl he still wanted me for his FWB and that made me feel dirty. Idk...nothing is ever simple. I don't think FWBs can really be simple at all. ESP if there was a major previous relationship.

 

I will never do the FWB thing again. I find that being alone and satisfying my own needs is much better than all the drama that FWBs eventually cause..