Found out my partner was actually an MM. Now he wants to leave his wife for me.

[bretspital9w]

I'm 48, my partner's 46, we met through dance classes. I've been dating him since April 2011, we've had a lot of good times but some bad times as well. I'm female, despite the username.(I meant to spell it as Britt, but there you go).

Whilst we don't live together, we see each other enough.

I had spent a night with him at his home, a few times. Not Christmas Day, as he said to me he always does so with his sister who he's really close to.

Anyway, fast-forward to now, January 2016, and New Year's Day, he admitted to me he was an MM, he had two daughters, aged 14 and 17, he had lied to me about his sister having a tough time and bringing her teen daughters (I have met his sister, and she does have teenage daughters) which explained why there was women's clothes in the house, he told me she'd split up with her H.

He told me that he's leaving his wife for me, and wants me to be stepmum to his two teenage daughters, he told his wife he's leaving her "to find himself, he didn't want to be a boring old dude with mortgage and kids."

 

I admit, I was probably blinded by affair fog, but now reality ensues. I admit, I've probably only seen him in his best light.

 

Now, I'm ****-scared, worried, about reality. OM/OW/MM/MW affair reality isnt discussed, but what problems would I face if he really is leaving his wife for me?

 

It's 7:39am here, and I'm not coping well with the revelations last night, he chose to tell me in, of all places, a public car park, had a slanging match with me over it, lied to his wife about where he'd been.

 

What the hell do I do?

Edited January 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ladyjane14]

I'm 48, my partner's 46, we met through dance classes. I've been dating him since April 2011, we've had a lot of good times but some bad times as well. I'm female, despite the username.(I meant to spell it as Britt, but there you go).

Whilst we don't live together, we see each other enough.

I had spent a night with him at his home, a few times. Not Christmas Day, as he said to me he always does so with his sister who he's really close to.

Anyway, fast-forward to now, January 2016, and New Year's Day, he admitted to me he was an MM, he had two daughters, aged 14 and 17, he had lied to me about his sister having a tough time and bringing her teen daughters (I have met his sister, and she does have teenage daughters) which explained why there was women's clothes in the house, he told me she'd split up with her H.

He told me that he's leaving his wife for me, and wants me to be stepmum to his two teenage daughters, he told his wife he's leaving her "to find himself, he didn't want to be a boring old dude with mortgage and kids."

 

I admit, I was probably blinded by affair fog, but now reality ensues. I admit, I've probably only seen him in his best light.

 

Now, I'm ****-scared, worried, about reality. OM/OW/MM/MW affair reality isnt discussed, but what problems would I face if he really is leaving his wife for me?

 

It's 7:39am here, and I'm not coping well with the revelations last night, he chose to tell me in, of all places, a public car park, had a slanging match with me over it, lied to his wife about where he'd been.

 

What the hell do I do?

 

What's your question? Honestly. The guy LIED to you for nearly five years.

Edited January 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

What's your question? Honestly. The guy LIED to you for nearly five years.

 

Agreed. I suspect you could choose a better partner in life than one that's so capable of lying straight to your face for years at a time. And apparently his marital vows didn't mean crap either; there's another woman he's lied to for years. Hopefully, for her sake, she's going to vacate that spousal position. Are you seriously wanting to sign up for it?

[Marc878]

IMO this whole foray is based on his dishonesty. Extricate yourself immediately.

 

Lies and deceit are something you don't want in your life.

 

Can you imagine what else will come crawling out from under the rug later?

 

I wouldn't even engage at this point.

 

This could be a life not worth living under the circumstances.

[Popsicle]

Completely dump him and cut ties. No "friendship" either. This is because he lied and is too selfish. You are too good for him.

[Popsicle]

And what he told his wife as the reason he's leaving ...wow. You definitely don't want to be his new woman.

[HappyAgain2014]

You should dump him but I'd bet money he wouldn't really leave his wife even if you told him you'd stay with him.

[oceansaway]

He lied. That's what they all do. You have to ask yourself what else he is/has lied about. He's been dishonest for years. Could you really trust him and believe him in the future? You will be ALWAYS thinking if he's being truthful in the future. Can you really live like that?

[yodelwithyu]

I agree that this man deserves no one at all, but I just want to point out that OP has been dating what she thought was a single man for FIVE years! Finding out he is an MM was her DDay and she is also a "betrayed." Just because she wasn't married or that is is already someone husband doesn't mean that she doesn't feel all the same things as a BGF or a BF (fiancé) or a BW would feel.

 

So why is it that the unwitting OWs, even the ones who were in the dark for so long, are always just supposed to dump, NC and fry the b*astard? A wife or girlfriend trying to reconcile with a WS who had a five year long affair might still get some encouragement if they want to make it work. So, why if the MM is genuine in wanting to leave his wife can't OP give it a shot? A BW might want to give her serial cheater/LTR cheater a chance after DDay when he promises to finish with the OW and there will still be some encouraging words. I am not saying that he will leave or that OP should give him a chance, but it is the principle. I understand marriage (especially with kids is) different, but why should it be easier for the OW to let go than it should for anyone else who was the primary? Essentially those MMs lied to both, no matter if you look at it from the BS or BOW'd point of view.

 

Bretspital, I am so so sorry you are in this. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I was an unwitting who fell in love and the whole debacle brought me to my knees, but it wasn't even close to being as long a relationship as yours, so I can't even comprehend how you must feel after five years! However, my advice would also be to RUN! As fast as you possibly can. Five years of pretending to be someone else is no joke. It is actually very crazy. But I can understand why it might be hard. Even seeing all their evil ways, it is sometimes excruciating to let them go as you are still coming to grips with what they actually are versus what you thought they were. Notwithstanding the fact that you love them (or who they pretended to be) and love is hard to just turn off.

 

You will see on here how many MMs promise divorce and then just keep stringing the OWs along. It might happen, and I don't want that to prolong your pain. Also, the reason he gave his wife...um, you don't want to be there when he actually finds himself, because from what he has already shown you, he's a pretty sh*tty ass dude. The reality of ALL the lies (to everyone) takes a while to sink in, but when it does, you will see that you will never be able to trust him or whoever he finds himself to be in the future.

 

Tread carefully, Bretspital. I see land mines everywhere and when your vision is shrouded in the betrayal fog, you won't be able to see them to avoid them. It won't be an easy journey to be sure, but take some time for yourself and let the dust settle before you make any decisions.

 

Xoxo

Yodel

[sandylee1]

I can't imagine why you'd want a man who lied about being married for 5 years. When someone is capable of such.. they are capable of way more and I'd want no part of that.

 

Relationships are based on trust and honesty ..... I don't see either here.... how do you go forward with such a fraud..that's what he is.

[SoleMate]

So why is it that the unwitting OWs, even the ones who were in the dark for so long, are always just supposed to dump, NC and fry the b*astard? A wife or girlfriend trying to reconcile with a WS who had a five year long affair might still get some encouragement if they want to make it work.

I don't say it's easy. And I wouldn't say "fry" MM....NC is not frying, it's not even an aggressive act. It is not aimed at the MM in any way. It is an act that is all about the unwitting OW and is solely for her protection and healing. Everyone here is acknowledging how hard it will be. Yodel, your opinion as an actual unwitting OW means a lot! And you eventually answer that "why fry MM?" question like this...

 

Five years of pretending to be someone else is no joke. It is actually very crazy....seeing all [MM's] evil ways....it is...excruciating.....you are still coming to grips with what they actually are versus what you thought they were.....many MMs promise divorce and then just keep stringing the OWs along....that [would] prolong your pain.......he's a pretty sh*tty ass dude....you will never be able to trust him or whoever he finds himself to be in the future....

Right. Grieve and move towards healing, with NC as your shield.

 

Longer term, I'd also suggest OP get her BS detector tuned up, as all the closets full of women's clothes and the unavailability on holidays and the "few nights" at his home over 5 years are major and classic red flags. Next time, don't overlook any red flags and come here to LS to get those interesting assertions vetted and analyzed. Good luck OP!

[oceansaway]

Letting go of someone you still have feelings for or love is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Regardless of who or how you got to the point of leaving.

[Poppy47]

YOu don't say you love him... do you?

 

I agree that there are many red flags there.

 

It must have been a pretty casual kind of relationship for you not to have been to his house more times than that.

 

Turn your back and walk away from him and his mess, because there is going to be a lot of fall out.

 

Poppy.