dating after separation

[eischman]

I recently posted about finding out my wife of 22 years was having a year long affair. We have signed the separation agreement and i do not see us getting back together because of the feelings she had for me before the affair and after. Right now I hope the best for her and dont care if she is with the OG but she says she isnt.

 

In anger I refriended an old girlfriend who friended me 2 years ago and I unfriended her because did not want my wife to she her as a friend and be upset even though this woman lives 5 hours away. After refriending her we have started texting. Last week I went to a football game and she ended up coming because it was a reunion of a lot of college friends. She wanted to hold my hand and we kissed but I told her I wasnt ready..because I could tell I was not ready. I feel I am over my wife but how could I kiss another woman after being with my wife for 27 years. My wife and I have not had a loving relationship for years and we like room mates. I said if she ever left me for someone else it would be good because I could find someone who could love me. I thought it would be so easy. This woman was my first love and I was so happy to meet my wife...I never had any desire to contact her because I was in love.

 

Now I do not love my wife and I have this great woman simply wanting to kiss me and I am feeling awkward and guilty. My wife on the other hand had no problem jumping int bed with another guy for almost a year and even brought him to our house and had no problem!!!!

 

I spoke to the old girlfriend who i like a lot and told her I need to take it slowly. I told her how important that is if we ever move forward. She said she knew I wasnt ready and respected that. She just got divorced and dated a number of people not seriously but she felt she was in a different place.

 

So what do I need to do to get myself ready? I am not talking about ready for her but ready for anyone? I have looked at checklists that when I answer say I am ready...but I know I am now. Do I have some internal monogamy button that I need to uncheck

[Majormisstep]

Sorry you are here eischman, but welcome.

 

You are not ready to be involved with another woman at this point, no matter what your stbxw has done with someone else.

 

About 6 months after my separation I signed up for OLD and met a few very nice gentlemen...however I felt like I was cheating on my X and WHAT IF we reconciled? Of course that never happened but moral of the story is I wasn't ready either. So take your time. There is no internal button. You'll just know when the time is right.

[trippi1432]

Welcome to LS, apologies you had to find yourself in this situation.

 

I have to agree as well, you don't sound ready for a new relationship as of yet. My ex-husband jumped right into a new relationship as well and they are married now; however, that doesn't mean that is how my life should take shape nor would I want it to.

 

Don't think that there is any such thing as an internal monogamy button, but there is this thing called being happy with ourselves. You don't need someone to "rescue" you from the pain of your divorce, they just become a stepping stone and a setback.

 

You have to do the internal work on you, travel, do the things you have always wanted to do, go out with friends. Become independent from needing another person for your happiness, then you will be ready to give 100% to a new relationship and will have a better one than your previous marriage.

[carhill]

So what do I need to do to get myself ready? I am not talking about ready for her but ready for anyone? I have looked at checklists that when I answer say I am ready...but I know I am now. Do I have some internal monogamy button that I need to uncheck

 

Socialize with other women, not the old girlfriend, and recover yourself from your divorce after a 22 year marriage. That's a long time. There's some grieving to be done, even if you feel you've done some already.

 

The reason I suggest refraining from intimate contact with the old GF is that, one, there's an undertone of intimacy there already, something you wouldn't have with a stranger, and it's easy to get attached to the old feelings that were there a couple decades ago since you're vulnerable during the grief period. Also, you have emotional and sexual history (I presume) with the person and it's similarly easy to fall back to an old routine, not respecting that you both are very different people today from who you were a couple decades ago.

 

I'd say stick to your style of relating to the opposite sex, spend time with friends and family and work through the recovery process. If you want to engage in casual sex, protect yourself and your partner and enjoy. The deeper stuff will come in time, maybe with the old GF, who, as you related, dated after her divorce. That's instructive. Good luck!

[oldshirt]

don't worry about it. One of these days you are going to wake up and you'll be ready. It may even happen sooner rather than later. It may be tomorrow even or the next week or the next month, but one of these days that internal switch that tells you not to become involved with other chicks will get switched off and it when it does, you will be ready to move on.

[causality]

I would say don't force it. You will know when you are ready and clearly you aren't ready now.

 

I know I wouldn't be right now.

 

Since your former girlfriend is just divorced herself, I'm sure she understands. If she doesn't, then she's not who you want to be with anyway.

 

Always easier said than done of course. Separation/Divorce is an emotional roller coaster, I'm learning that much myself right now.

[eischman]

thanks for the replies! I have already told the old GF that I am not ready but am still enjoying conversation. She says she could tell I was not ready when I saw her a week ago. I still enjoy talking with her and plan to continue that and may even meet with her if she comes down for a hike and maybe dinner. (she is 5-6 hours away and has kids in school)

 

I do plan to socialize with other women as well. I do not think I ever want to get back with my wife.

 

I thought is would be easier. My wife and I have not had an emotional bond for years...she had an emotion bond for the other man for years. I told myself if I found her cheating I could jump into the dating scene and have no problem. Wow..this is new to me. (not the first new thing lately)

 

I am confident you will be right. Go slow and let it happen.

[Popsicle]

She sounds pretty understanding and that is nice. It is what you need. I think it will be ok and go well. Just enjoy it as it comes.

[66Charger]

Stop overthinking it. She isnt asking you for marriage!

Your wife enjoyed another FOR YEARS and you are having a problem with kissing?

First things first, turn the separation agreement into divorce papers.

Stop calling her your wife.

Understand you have a finite number of days left, so make everyone count.

Put your past in a history book and start your Second Life.

Get in shape. Start running

Do not become a grumpy wallowing old guy, angry about his past.

Look in the mirror. Use your strength. Change that guy today.

IC? Why? Bury the dead.

 

And kiss her already.

Edited January 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[Mr. Lucky]

Stop overthinking it. She isnt asking you for marriage!

Your wife enjoyed another FOR YEARS and you are having a problem with kissing?

First things first, turn the separation agreement into divorce papers.

Stop calling her your wife.

Understand you have a finite number of days left, so make everyone count.

Put your past in a history book and start your Second Life.

Get in shape. Start running

Do not become a grumpy wallowing old guy, angry about his past.

Look in the mirror. Use your strength. Change that guy today.

IC? Why? Bury the dead.

 

And kiss her already.

 

It's not about revenge or settling a score. It's not even about the ex-wife, it's about him. And when you've been with someone for decades, it takes time for your brain to unlearn that association.

 

The first time I stayed at a girl's house after our split, I woke up at 3:00 am with an overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to be "home", had to leave. And this was 2 years after my divorce.

 

Some of us are slow learners ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Eischman,

 

Take your time. Spend time with friends, meet new people both male and female.

 

Its not a race or a competition.

 

The woman you have met with sounds wise. If she is she will give you time to be single and get to know yourself again. After being part of a couple for so many years you need to find yourself again.

 

chew

[Mrin]

As a guy who went through this in the last three years, here's some advice. NOTE: everyone is different so take this advice in the spirit it is offered - simply a reflection of my own personal experience.

 

1. You're not ready to be in a relationship right now - but you know that

 

2. You do have an internal monogamy button that needs to get unpressed. Loved that visual

 

3. Here's the truth: you don't know how to date. You know how to husband. But you don't know how to date. I certainly didn't.

 

4. I started dating exactly 1 week after my XW ask me for a divorce. Basically a female friend of mine (we will call here "B") metaphorically shouted "dibs!!!"

 

5. It was a disaster. The reason being wasn't that I wasn't over my XW so much as I just didn't know how to date. I essentially came into the dating relationship with my "husband" hat on. You got it 0 - 60 in about 3 seconds. B loved it at first - luxuriated in it actually. I mean, it was everything she wanted. Insta-relationship with a guy who knew how to relationship.

 

6. But for me there was just so much that didn't make sense. I didn't know how to date. So when dating stuff started to creep up it just didn't make sense to me at the time. I'll give you an example. We were about 3 weeks into dating and talking about vacation plans. B had a big 2 week trip planned for the summer (about 3 months away). I immediately starting trying to figure out how I could make that work. The conversation turned sort of awkward because I just assumed I would be going. Right? That's what couples do. Looking back on it I just cringe. There were countless other things.

 

7. So that didn't work out. She was actually great GF material. But we just needed to try maybe a year or so later. B and I broke it off after about 2 months and remain close friends to this day.

 

8. For me, I didn't feel any sort of competition. But I did feel an almost overwhelming urge to use my hard earned freedom.

 

9. I signed up for OLD and multidated like a MoFo. As one of my close female friends said - I needed to F my way through an econopak of condoms.

 

10. But it was more than that. I saw every woman as a unread novel. So much to learn. So much to absorb. In fact, most of the women I dated during this frenzy didn't even become bedmates. I just loved learning about them and meeting them.

 

11. And I learned how to date. How to get to know someone. How to build trust and to build a relationship - be it casual or more.

 

12. I learned who I was. You see, so many of us enter the "womb of marriage" as only semi-formed adults. And then we mature inside this womb of marriage. But we don't know who we are when we get out. At least I didn't. I discovered so much about myself. Simple things. Like I am a neat freak. That I have strong tastes in art. That I love dining out at nice restaurants with a woman hardly know. That I love to cook and am damn good at it. But I also learned that I was a die hard romantic. That if I was going to be in a relationship I needed the other person to be a die hard romantic as well.

 

13. I learned to be alone. That a quiet night at home with a book or Netflix can be rewarding and not a salve or a substitute for hanging out with someone.

 

14. I learned that I now had what seemed like limitless time on my hands. That I didn't have to be somewhere all the time. I learned to just up and go somewhere not to get laid or meet anyone, just for the fun of it. I learned that I loved to just dive into an interest or passion because I wanted to.

 

15. I learned a lot about women. That they'd grown up too. That they had full lives and weren't always looking to jump into a relationship - and that was okay too. I learned to play games with women (not proud of that). I learned what it was like to have games played with me (not a fan of that). I learned that game playing wasn't what I wanted and stopped.

 

16. I learned what I wanted. And more importantly what I didn't want.

 

17. I learned that having a reliable FWB was a good thing during this period. And that finding a FWB was not that hard - there were plenty of women in the exact same situation.

 

18. I remade myself. I ditched most of my married husband "look" and assembled a whole new wardrobe. I got into Crossfit. And later meditation.

 

19. I realized that the purpose of dating wasn't always a committed relationship. And that's ok. Preferable sometimes.

 

20. Most of all, I learned to live in the present. Not the past and certainly not the future.

 

Anyhow dude, I hope this helps!

Edited January 6, 2016 by Mrin

[trippi1432]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THAT needs to be pinned somewhere on here.

[66Charger]

It's not about revenge or settling a score. It's not even about the ex-wife, it's about him. And when you've been with someone for decades, it takes time for your brain to unlearn that association.

 

The first time I stayed at a girl's house after our split, I woke up at 3:00 am with an overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to be "home", had to leave. And this was 2 years after my divorce.

 

Some of us are slow learners ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Of course it isn't about revenge. But why waste years, Still "not ready"

 

To each their own. If spending time alone helps you heal then go for it. My point was the woman wasnt asking for marriage, just a occassional fun date and a kiss.

 

I, for one, would not waste 1 more second thinking about a X (who doesnt appear to have a problem with another) and would maximize every day left I had on the Planet Earth.

 

But hey, thats just me.

 

Edit. Prior to waking up in a womans abode at 3 am, I assume the night was worthy.

Doesnt have to be perfect, but it should be fun.

Edited January 7, 2016 by 66Charger

[eischman]

As a guy who went through this in the last three years, here's some advice. NOTE: everyone is different so take this advice in the spirit it is offered - simply a reflection of my own personal experience.

 

1. You're not ready to be in a relationship right now - but you know that

 

2. You do have an internal monogamy button that needs to get unpressed. Loved that visual

 

3. Here's the truth: you don't know how to date. You know how to husband. But you don't know how to date. I certainly didn't.

 

4. I started dating exactly 1 week after my XW ask me for a divorce. Basically a female friend of mine (we will call here "B") metaphorically shouted "dibs!!!"

 

5. It was a disaster. The reason being wasn't that I wasn't over my XW so much as I just didn't know how to date. I essentially came into the dating relationship with my "husband" hat on. You got it 0 - 60 in about 3 seconds. B loved it at first - luxuriated in it actually. I mean, it was everything she wanted. Insta-relationship with a guy who knew how to relationship.

 

6. But for me there was just so much that didn't make sense. I didn't know how to date. So when dating stuff started to creep up it just didn't make sense to me at the time. I'll give you an example. We were about 3 weeks into dating and talking about vacation plans. B had a big 2 week trip planned for the summer (about 3 months away). I immediately starting trying to figure out how I could make that work. The conversation turned sort of awkward because I just assumed I would be going. Right? That's what couples do. Looking back on it I just cringe. There were countless other things.

 

7. So that didn't work out. She was actually great GF material. But we just needed to try maybe a year or so later. B and I broke it off after about 2 months and remain close friends to this day.

 

8. For me, I didn't feel any sort of competition. But I did feel an almost overwhelming urge to use my hard earned freedom.

 

9. I signed up for OLD and multidated like a MoFo. As one of my close female friends said - I needed to F my way through an econopak of condoms.

 

10. But it was more than that. I saw every woman as a unread novel. So much to learn. So much to absorb. In fact, most of the women I dated during this frenzy didn't even become bedmates. I just loved learning about them and meeting them.

 

11. And I learned how to date. How to get to know someone. How to build trust and to build a relationship - be it casual or more.

 

12. I learned who I was. You see, so many of us enter the "womb of marriage" as only semi-formed adults. And then we mature inside this womb of marriage. But we don't know who we are when we get out. At least I didn't. I discovered so much about myself. Simple things. Like I am a neat freak. That I have strong tastes in art. That I love dining out at nice restaurants with a woman hardly know. That I love to cook and am damn good at it. But I also learned that I was a die hard romantic. That if I was going to be in a relationship I needed the other person to be a die hard romantic as well.

 

13. I learned to be alone. That a quiet night at home with a book or Netflix can be rewarding and not a salve or a substitute for hanging out with someone.

 

14. I learned that I now had what seemed like limitless time on my hands. That I didn't have to be somewhere all the time. I learned to just up and go somewhere not to get laid or meet anyone, just for the fun of it. I learned that I loved to just dive into an interest or passion because I wanted to.

 

15. I learned a lot about women. That they'd grown up too. That they had full lives and weren't always looking to jump into a relationship - and that was okay too. I learned to play games with women (not proud of that). I learned what it was like to have games played with me (not a fan of that). I learned that game playing wasn't what I wanted and stopped.

 

16. I learned what I wanted. And more importantly what I didn't want.

 

17. I learned that having a reliable FWB was a good thing during this period. And that finding a FWB was not that hard - there were plenty of women in the exact same situation.

 

18. I remade myself. I ditched most of my married husband "look" and assembled a whole new wardrobe. I got into Crossfit. And later meditation.

 

19. I realized that the purpose of dating wasn't always a committed relationship. And that's ok. Preferable sometimes.

 

20. Most of all, I learned to live in the present. Not the past and certainly not the future.

 

Anyhow dude, I hope this helps!

 

I love this! Almost a year later and this has helped me. I have been through so much of it exactly. I probably still have more to learn but it is really about the journey and not the destination! I have not found a FWB but have benefited ;-) in so many ways. Eyes are opening to a whole new world.