Brapting Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) I am planning on renting somewhere in the city where I work and moving out of my parents home permanently. I am 27 and I have moved out for periods of time before (for my undergraduate and postgraduate degrees) and both times I had kind of hoped that 'that was that'...I wouldn't be returning home again. I had issues with social anxiety, depression and drug use. I didn't really have any hobbies, I didn't really date and I struggled to make friends. This pretty much describes my situation now. When I returned home after my postgraduate degree, it was pretty soul destroying and I became extremely depressed and a little suicidal. I have always had the odd job, but the one I have at the moment in the city pays enough for me to rent and support myself. I have quit drugs and I feel better about myself, so I am thinking that this is a better time than ever. There are somethings that really excite me about it...like having the chance to meet people and try new things, to be responsible, the freedom and the opportunity to date. But I am also really, really scared...and I don't know why because I have done this before. I am terrified that I will not be able to cope with all the little things like sorting out the bills and budgeting. That I wont know anyone and that I will just continue to hide away in a flat and feel lonely, although now I wont have the comfort being far away in the family home. I keep thinking what if I suddenly lose my job? How will I survive? Worse of all...what if I fail again and have to return to the family home. Even thinking about seeking and viewing flats seems stressful and is filling me with dread. This is going to sound wet, but thinking about it makes me so anxious I feel a bit tearful. I am not looking for people to say "why are you 27 and still living with your parents? You really need to move out"...because you don't think that I have thought of this already? I am just hoping that someone can understand my situation and offer some advice. Thank you. Edited January 3, 2016 by Brapting Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Do you know what an emergency fund is? It's an amount of money you put in a bank & have on hand for emergencies. Different financial gurus suggest varying amounts of money but at a minimum it should equal at least 1 month of living expenses plus $1,000 for things like car repairs, medical deductibles etc. Create one ASAP so you have a cushion. Each month contribute to it as faithfully as if you contribute to your retirement. Once you get it to 1 year's worth of living expenses, you have a fully funded e-fund & your anxiety should be alleviated. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Beach Guy Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) Maybe check listings for people who would like a roommate. For example: a house with two college students looking to rent out the third bedroom because their former roommate left midyear. A shared rental could be less expensive than your own apartment. Utilities, internet and cable/satellite bill would be split three ways, so it's cheaper than paying for them all on your own. Plus, your housemates' friends and gf's/bf's will be dropping by - great opportunity to socialize and do activities together. Finally, you could continue friendships with those housemates even after they graduate and move out. Check out the listings for roommates wanted. Edited January 3, 2016 by Beach Guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 is it possible to move out but still be very close to your parents? it sounds like they are supportive and perhaps having them nearby would allow you to move out while still relying on them often until you can be 100% on your own. you might need a bit of a 'crutch' to get you going - closeness to where your parents are, perhaps a roommate, or a short lease in case things aren't working out. maybe, since you have some reservations, just do a month-to-month rental or something where you won't feel trapped and anxious in case you can't handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Are you a man or a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Are you a man or a woman? I am a guy...although I don't know why this would matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Maybe check listings for people who would like a roommate. For example: a house with two college students looking to rent out the third bedroom because their former roommate left midyear. A shared rental could be less expensive than your own apartment. Utilities, internet and cable/satellite bill would be split three ways, so it's cheaper than paying for them all on your own. Plus, your housemates' friends and gf's/bf's will be dropping by - great opportunity to socialize and do activities together. Finally, you could continue friendships with those housemates even after they graduate and move out. Check out the listings for roommates wanted. I did consider this and I still am, although a big part of my attraction to my own place is the freedom. I can go out when I want, invite anyone over when I want, I can leave the kitchen in a mess if I want (although I don't intend to), I can spend time on my own if I want to. I completely see the benefits to flat/house sharing...but that has always been my situation in the past (at uni). And I always felt an urge to tag along, allow my flatmates to tag along and explain where I am going, who I saw, what I have done. I am scared that I will struggle to balance socialising with my alone time, but one the biggest issues I have with socialising at the moment is admitting that I live my parents, that I am not independent and not feeling secure enough to invite people back to the house as a 27 year old guy. Hopefully these pressures wont be as strong if I have my own place. I hope to seek out counselling and therapy for my issues again once I am out on my own, if it is cheap/accessible. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 There are somethings that really excite me about it...like having the chance to meet people and try new things, to be responsible, the freedom and the opportunity to date. But I am also really, really scared...and I don't know why because I have done this before. I am terrified that I will not be able to cope with all the little things like sorting out the bills and budgeting. That I wont know anyone and that I will just continue to hide away in a flat and feel lonely, although now I wont have the comfort being far away in the family home. I keep thinking what if I suddenly lose my job? How will I survive? Worse of all...what if I fail again and have to return to the family home. Even thinking about seeking and viewing flats seems stressful and is filling me with dread. All of this is just part of growing up. Being an adult is stressful for all the reasons you described, and you do yourself no favors by putting it off any longer. The independence that comes from living completely on your own cannot be duplicated in an environment where your parents are propping you up. If you lose your job, you will find another job. You will have to learn how to budget and pay your bills and manage your time. You will figure it all out. You may make some mistakes along the way and have some sleepless nights, but you are doing the right thing by moving out. Just hang in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 There are somethings that really excite me about it...like having the chance to meet people and try new things, to be responsible, the freedom and the opportunity to date. But I am also really, really scared...and I don't know why because I have done this before. I am terrified that I will not be able to cope with all the little things like sorting out the bills and budgeting. That I wont know anyone and that I will just continue to hide away in a flat and feel lonely, although now I wont have the comfort being far away in the family home. I keep thinking what if I suddenly lose my job? How will I survive? Worse of all...what if I fail again and have to return to the family home. Even thinking about seeking and viewing flats seems stressful and is filling me with dread. You have to just do it bud. There's no silver bullet. Its all initiative. All those other people who 'grow up' and do those things also had the same anxieties that you do, they just took the next step and did it. Got to take control of stuff - take control of your finances and of meeting people. You can do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 Part of the process of growing up and becoming independent is realizing that "the family home" is actually their home. (unless you happen to be named on the mortgage) Don't look at the big & overwhelming picture, focus on the nuts and bolts of getting your place. Then focus on setting the place up, making a productive routine of grocery shopping and housecleaning. Later, after you feel stable there, you can start working on expanding your life one step at a time. You're obviously intelligent. Look around at some of the dopes who manage to maintain independence. If they can do it, so can you. Don't beat yourself up on the learning curve. You'll make an awkward mistake or two as everyone does...not a big deal. Financially, it's better to slowly furnish the place than to do it via credit card debt. Being as you're just starting out, cheap furniture should rule the day. You'll like be moving several times before you settle down. Moving always damages furniture so now isn't the time to buy heirloom quality. Good luck. (this is good stuff, I wish I could "like" my own post) Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I am scared that I will struggle to balance socialising with my alone time, but one the biggest issues I have with socialising at the moment is admitting that I live my parents, that I am not independent and not feeling secure enough to invite people back to the house as a 27 year old guy. Hopefully these pressures wont be as strong if I have my own place. I hope to seek out counselling and therapy for my issues again once I am out on my own, if it is cheap/accessible. You mention you have an anxiety problem. Be kind to yourself and make changes gradually rather than all at once. Don't stress about your age. These days it's generally more common to stay at home longer while studying, it's no big deal. I also left home at 27. Just be easy on yourself, make changes in small increments and you'll be ok. If you need to move back home sometimes, don't worry, it's all part of making the transition and you will get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Viewing two local properties tomorrow in the city What questions do I ask? I have never done this on my own before. Do I just look around? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Congratulations on your new job and moving out. This is so important. Don't worry about what will happen a year from now. Just do your job and pay your bills and worry about taking care of today. Worrying in the far future will just add to anxiety. But do take Donnivain's advice and sock away any savings you can because that's always a wise decision. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 What questions do I ask? I have never done this on my own before. Do I just look around? You do look around carefully; go somewhere else if the place isn't clean or you see obvious signs of water damage, rent else where. Ask Qs about the building's plumbing & heating. Ask what is included in the rent. Take a walk outside too. Will you be safe getting in & out of your car there? Is parking included or is it extra? Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Viewing two local properties tomorrow in the city What questions do I ask? I have never done this on my own before. Do I just look around? Look for things like building security. When you arrive, do you have to buzz to get in or do they leave the doors open for anyone? If possible, find a place that includes heat as part of the cost. Paying extra for it is a real pain in the ass, in my experience. Try to find out how quiet the building is. Some places cater to students or families and can have louder noise levels. You don't mention if you drive or take public transportation. If you take the bus/subway, make sure there is a route near the place. I hope to seek out counselling and therapy for my issues again once I am out on my own, if it is cheap/accessible. Do some research now to find affordable counselling options. Call to ask how much of a wait list there is; if it tends to take a while to set up appointments, start the process. Having a plan in place should help to lessen some anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
SethDamien Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Im 24 and i've been living alone for a year now. So far my biggest problem is keeping up with my bills... I have no trouble financially, just the time i need in paying... I havent paid my internet bills last month due to my laziness and they cut it off. LOL, but no major issues, its back now. the first few months, the apartment was messy, dirt all over the floor, cobwebs in the corners and i never had the time to maintain, now i have a regular schedule of cleaning/general cleaning, etc... So far the feeling of being independent outweighs the anxiety of living alone... Goodluck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 So I have my own place! :) I moved in a couple of weeks ago. It felt strange at first, but I am really beginning to feel settled. I am strangely starting to enjoy the little tasks of maintaining the flat, buying my groceries and budgeting. I have felt myself reflecting on how far my life situation has come. 3 years ago, I was getting high everyday, suicidal, unemployed and living at home with my parents. Now I am drug free, I have quit smoking completely, I have a job and my own place! They only thing that bothers me now is my social life and for some reason, this feels like it will be the hardest thing to get in order. I find myself feeling quite lonely and I don't know anyone in the city other than my colleagues (with whom I would rather not socialize given the nature of my work). New city aside, I don't really have any friends at the moment anyway and I don't think I really know how to make them. I feel like I don't have the 'victim of circumstance' excuse anymore, which is a good thing...but I still feel like I have a long way to go to getting my head sorted and I am unsure what the 'next step' would be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Congrats on the new place! Last time you posted, you wanted to seek out affordable counselling. Have you tried to find anything? What are your personal interests? If you're looking to socialize more there might be meet-up groups you can join. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Congrats on taking the plunge, OP! Happy to hear you did it. How are things going? So far my biggest problem is keeping up with my bills... I have no trouble financially, just the time i need in paying... I havent paid my internet bills last month due to my laziness and they cut it off. LOL, but no major issues, its back now. Do they have direct debit over there? Usually when I sign up for power/internet/etc I just elect to pay via direct debit, fill up a form authorizing it, and I don't have to worry about not paying on time because they just deduct the amount from my account every month. You do have to check your account to make sure they aren't billing you more than they should, but you should be checking regularly anyway so it isn't much of an issue. Also you don't get much control over when the payment is taken, so if you are 'juggling' bills with an empty account then direct debit isn't a good method of payment... but you mention you have no financial issues so it would suit you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 Congrats on the new place! Last time you posted, you wanted to seek out affordable counselling. Have you tried to find anything? What are your personal interests? If you're looking to socialize more there might be meet-up groups you can join. Thank you for the support I have yet to switch doctors, but I will definitely ask once I have done. I am restricted by my working hours, so it could be tricky. I have begun looking for meet ups and things. There is definitely lots going on. I like watching films and football...but I have never really had any hobbies. It was getting high...this took up 7 years of my life and most of my time. Going out used to be: get high...tag along with my drug buddies to a club/pub for a couple of hours...then go home together (or alone) and get high again. Sad as it sounds...this was literally the extent of my social life. I don't really know how to go out and meet people. I don't really know how to make friends. It is harder still that I don't have any close friends or family at the moment. I would have thought that normally...if someone was going to start doing something new...they would share it with those close to them. They would talk about it...and begin to feel comfortable with it. I literally know no one. I am not sure if I am explaining it properly...but it makes things very scary. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Best wishes on the new place & turning your life around. Spring is coming. Try walking around the neighborhood. See who you see in you travels. They could become friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) I wonder if anyone could help. I am really struggling with this. I just don't know how to live and I am really messed up. Paying the bills is fine, doing the washing up, keeping the house clean. I was meditating for a while too. Everything seemed so exciting and full of possibilities. But I am beginning the be the same person I was at my parents house, just at a different location. There are other things as well. This were going pretty good at work, but there is this girl I like in our office and it has become a really unpleasant situation. She is very flirtatious and attractive, but I am beginning to wonder if she is like that with plenty of guys, if she is just leading me on, if she just likes the attention. She is sometimes rude to me and disrespectful, but other times is very friendly. I hate the fact that I have these feelings and I hate that I tell myself that I will 'stop with all of this'...then I see her the next day, one thing leads to another and I am left with the same old feelings. Maybe stupidly, I brought up her behaviour in a very joking way with her recently and things feel a little more strained now. A little less free flowing than it was. What hurts the most is that she seems to have a life. She is always doing stuff at the weekend with friends etc. I don't know anyone in the city...I just sit a home alone and feel incredibly lonely. The thing is...I have been lonely for years, I have not had friends for years. I don't really know how to find them and make them. I don't have any hobbies and I am really scared about meeting new people and being social. Jokingly, my boss and others have commented how she should 'invite me out to go clubbing'. Initially, she would just go quiet and it would be a bit awkward. I would smile to myself, because it was flattering that others could 'see' us socialising together and I kind of hoped that it might prompt her to suggest something. Now she seems to scoff and say 'no', but she has flippantly mentioned to other older colleagues that 'you should go out clubbing with me!". Even though I think she is just being flirtatious and jokey (she isn't serious) it hurts to think that she would even mentioned it to random colleagues, but never bring it up with me. I just want to be happy and I don't know how to do it. Please help. Edited April 1, 2016 by Brapting Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Changing your address doesn't fundamentally change who you are. If you no longer want to be lonely you are going to have to take a risk & put yourself out there. Next time the girl at work talks about going out with friends, ask if you can come. Check out Meetup groups in your area. Volunteer doing something you enjoy or are passionate about. Reconnect with an alumni association. Join a civic organization like the elks, the moose, the lions, etc. or become a volunteer firefighter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brapting Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Next time the girl at work talks about going out with friends, ask if you can come. I kind of did. We sometimes talk seriously, but a lot of the time it is jokey banter and teasing. I said to her "so when are you taking me out then" (in a jokey tone) she kind of scoffed and said "never". I laughed and used it as a bit of a tease, but each time she said "I'm not" or "never". The thing that gets to me is that we are the same age, we work closely with each other and are very friendly and she goes clubbing. She will shout "you should go clubbing with me!" to 50 year old colleagues (in a jokey tone), despite them having and vocalising zero interest in going clubbing, yet when I suggest it, she shoots the idea down. ...perhaps it is because she knows that there is a chance I will say yes. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Congratulations on your new job. I know that the more you achieve at work and by living on your own, the better you are going to feel and the more confident. Yes, we all fall down sometimes, and we all fear it. You're no different. If you feel you are overly anxious and have not already done so, see if a doctor wants to try you on some anti-anxiety meds. Unless you think that would lead back to your drug issue, of course, but that would be a doctor's call. Live small and sock some money into an account for a rainy day. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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