Mylenie Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I keep making excuses for his infidelity.Blaming it on his past, watching his father cheat, I blame it on him working so hard yet his business not doing well. I keep on thinking he did it and all the other bad treatments to push me away because he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved. Due to the fact that he can't provide as he would love to. Another thing is he is hurting and I look at him wondering why he is hurting. What can possibly cause him pain? you can cheat and then feel pain when your wife keeps bringing the affair up. You knew the consequences, since it's not the 1st time. is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 Myelnie Yes it unfortunately is kind of normal. It is part of the "denial" process where the BS does not or cannot accept that this person who was supposed to love them could do this unless something you did caused it . You see it on thread after thread where BS is in such shock they start looking for reasons and blame themselves . Whatever problems you husband had with his business or your marriage , you both own 50%'of that . He owns the infidelity 100% and the more excuses that get in the way the worse it can be. There are legitimate contributing factors that can cause conflict. But the decision to have sex with another woman as the remedy is not acceptable . That is why , in my opinion , too many folks immediately run to therapists looking for a quick fix . And many times these just turn in to expensive discussions of what you did wrong , sometimes while the affair continues . If you are not already there , your next emotion will most likely be anger . That is good . Until you get angry you are more likely to accept band aids that do nothing to solve the problems . His pain?? Since you did not post much of the story, his pain could be he is mad at himself for getting caught . Or it could be pain realizing what he has done to you ( remorse). No way to really make a comment on that with no details of the entire ordeal . It sounds like this was not the first time . Not a good sign . those that have done it before are more likely to do it again , especially if they incurred no real consequences . Bottom line , your feelings are normal . Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Naively.Sensitive Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I keep making excuses for his infidelity.Blaming it on his past, watching his father cheat, I blame it on him working so hard yet his business not doing well. I keep on thinking he did it and all the other bad treatments to push me away because he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved. Due to the fact that he can't provide as he would love to. Another thing is he is hurting and I look at him wondering why he is hurting. What can possibly cause him pain? you can cheat and then feel pain when your wife keeps bringing the affair up. You knew the consequences, since it's not the 1st time. is this normal? Mylenie, I'm a BH. I went through some of that and still go through it to some degree. The fact is that relationship problems before the affair can be owned 50-50% between you and your spouse (or some other ratio), but the reality is that the decision to have the affair (the act) was actually a choice that your husband made and it was a conscious choice too, so he needs to own that choice (100%) and its repercussions. I'm learning that your suffering and pain can also be your choice. However you deal with it becomes your choice. If you focus on your inner spirit's needs, while correctly and mindfully dealing with the many layers of thoughts and emotions, you can actually "choose" to not suffer, even though you may feel pain and will have to deal with the pain appropriately. Think of the person who was violated as being your roomate (Your mind, emotions and feelings that may generate torturing thoughts), and you being your consciousness (which is a higher level of existence than simply your mind and feelings). If you are simply the observer of your mind and emotions, then you are separate from them and you can "choose" to act on what your roomate is telling you or to just hear your roomate and not "act" on what your roomate is telling you. I found this book to be extremely helpful: "The Untethered Soul" and it explains how our minds work (How they are supposed to work), but more importantly, how to use our minds and emotions correctly. As betrayed spouses, its not an easy journey, but it is simple to understand how and why we feel the suffering and pain and what we can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I agree with frisky one.... You are 50% responsible for your marriage....but your betrayed spouse is 100% responsible for committing adultery. You certainly need to be honest with yourself about your own feelings toward him. It is ok to feel sorry for him...it is ok to be mad....it is ok to be resentful.....there are so many emotions involved. You need to be honest with him as well....tell him what he has done to you...tell him what you are feeling....and help him to understand your devastation...help him to see what HE has caused. MAKE HIM RESPONSIBLE for what he has done. There are lots of unhappy marriages....many remain untouched by infidelity...and he is the one who did it...not you. He has removed your say in this marriage.....he did not ask you he just took it. Take back the power he took from you.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I keep making excuses for his infidelity.Blaming it on his past, watching his father cheat, I blame it on him working so hard yet his business not doing well. I keep on thinking he did it and all the other bad treatments to push me away because he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved. Due to the fact that he can't provide as he would love to. Another thing is he is hurting and I look at him wondering why he is hurting. What can possibly cause him pain? you can cheat and then feel pain when your wife keeps bringing the affair up. You knew the consequences, since it's not the 1st time. is this normal? Compassion and empathy is good from both sides. Excusing poor behaviour and making exceptions for it is harmful to recovery for both of you. Yes, it's normal. It doesn't promote healthy reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) I keep making excuses for his infidelity. Blaming it on .... Another thing is he is hurting and I look at him wondering why he is hurting. What can possibly cause him pain? you can cheat and then feel pain when your wife keeps bringing the affair up. You knew the consequences, since it's not the 1st time. is this normal? I'm not sure which part your question—"is this normal?"—is referring to. Is it that you make excuses or that he feels pain when you bring up the affair? But, yes, I think we all did some or a lot of this—well, the ones that have tried to make a go of reconciliation anyway. For me, however, I had to go past "blaming it" on anything and just get to where I think of it as his story. Meh. So...? I mean, lots of messed up people's conditions can be blamed on external events, but that doesn't make them any less guilty if they harm others. Yes, there's an 'explanation' for why my WH (and sounds like, yours) had affairs, but that's all it is—an explanation. It's not exemption. It's not even a reason to forgive. (The only reason to forgive imho is to get over it yourself.) The "excuse" I give my WH is that he's emotionally incapable of doing more than he does. Same thing. Still an excuse. That so-called 'pain' he feels when his "wife keeps bringing the affair up"? I believe you answered yourself: He "knew the consequences, since it's not the 1st time." I'm sure you're aware of the irony (his 'pain' vs yours?). For me, what it comes down to, Mylenie, is why do we accept that this is the best they can do? Which means the next question is: Is this (spouse) the best WE can do? Edited January 4, 2016 by merrmeade added "(spouse)" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I blame it on him working so hard yet his business not doing well. I keep on thinking he did it and all the other bad treatments to push me away because he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved. Due to the fact that he can't provide as he would love to. I think it helps to break things down to the simplest terms. In that light, you're saying he cheated because he didn't earn enough money, a dubious proposition at best. Men - and women - work hard to provide for and support their families as an act of love and commitment, about as far from infidelity as one can get... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mylenie Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Myelnie Yes it unfortunately is kind of normal. It is part of the "denial" process where the BS does not or cannot accept that this person who was supposed to love them could do this unless something you did caused it . You see it on thread after thread where BS is in such shock they start looking for reasons and blame themselves . Whatever problems you husband had with his business or your marriage , you both own 50%'of that . He owns the infidelity 100% and the more excuses that get in the way the worse it can be. There are legitimate contributing factors that can cause conflict. But the decision to have sex with another woman as the remedy is not acceptable . That is why , in my opinion , too many folks immediately run to therapists looking for a quick fix . And many times these just turn in to expensive discussions of what you did wrong , sometimes while the affair continues . If you are not already there , your next emotion will most likely be anger . That is good . Until you get angry you are more likely to accept band aids that do nothing to solve the problems . His pain?? Since you did not post much of the story, his pain could be he is mad at himself for getting caught . Or it could be pain realizing what he has done to you ( remorse). No way to really make a comment on that with no details of the entire ordeal . It sounds like this was not the first time . Not a good sign . those that have done it before are more likely to do it again , especially if they incurred no real consequences . Bottom line , your feelings are normal . Good luck Here is a link to the original story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/561029-will-ever-stop-hurting-will-affair-leave-my-mind. Thank you so much for your response. it opened my eyes Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Have there been any developments since you last posted? I recall your husband is a serial cheater and lacks remorse. Blaming the fact that you earn more for his infidelity .... when you could have found a rich guy to cheat with.. then what would happen to his ego.. He was spending your hard earned cash on his OW from years back. You often want to find a reason for your spouse cheating.. to see why it happened. And yes seeing his cheating father wasn't helpful.. which is why you should not let you kids see an unhappy marriage because of his cheating.... He is 100% responsible for his behaviour.. He's with you for the money. Start seeing it as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mylenie Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) Have there been any developments since you last posted? I recall your husband is a serial cheater and lacks remorse. Blaming the fact that you earn more for his infidelity .... when you could have found a rich guy to cheat with.. then what would happen to his ego.. He was spending your hard earned cash on his OW from years back. You often want to find a reason for your spouse cheating.. to see why it happened. And yes seeing his cheating father wasn't helpful.. which is why you should not let you kids see an unhappy marriage because of his cheating.... He is 100% responsible for his behaviour.. He's with you for the money. Start seeing it as it is. Hi Sandylee When you put it like that is sounds really bad, he does make his own money, its not a lot, so I would like to believe he spent his own money on this girl. lol. There has been developments. I was drunk one night and inboxed the girl, I asked her for a meeting, then the following morning I cancelled. She responded to the cancellation with an ok. A week later she inboxed me saying if I really wanna meet and believe hearing her side of the story will help me find closure, she is willing. We set up a date, then she cancelled on the day saying it will end badly. I felt like it was a slap in the face. I did not hide the meeting from him, so when she cancelled I told him. The following morning she added me on facebook. I accepted of course. And naturally spent the entire day on 5 years worth of posts. I found a post about a magazine he bought for her, it came with freebees. I once asked him about the magazine in his car and he said he bought it for the freebees but they were stolen. So when I saw this post I asked him if the magazine really had no freebees. Maybe I am a fool for believing my husband will get to a point where he can say, It had freebees but they had to do with the mistress. She is constantly on my mind so it wont really hurt me because the truth already hurts. The fact that he continued to lie to my face again made me more angry. The day before that when I was supposed to meet OW, I asked to use his PC and the history was open and I saw he checked her social media. Then later while he was sleeping I stole his phone and in his notes I found her number. So after he lied about the magazine I lost it and brought the two up. He said he knew the girl was going to write something about me and he wanted to see what she was going to write, then he saved her number under notes instead of address book because he knew if I saw it I would get angry. He said he saved the number so that if he found something on social media he could call her and ask her to stop. I can almost believe his reasons but I still feel like he should have discussed this with me 1st, I believe anything about her should be discussed, but he will not start any conversation about her with me, I always have to ask which I find unfair as well. So we had a huge fight over a stupid magazine, to me it was the lies, not the magazine. So I told him if he is not willing to tell me all the truths about her, he should leave. He said he wont say anything because I will not believe him anyway, so he chose to leave. He said he will move out because it seems I will never get past the OW. Problem is, he cant afford to move, and now I am really feeling it. If my husband was well off, he would have left me a long time ago. The only reason he is with me is because he cant afford to move. I told him to not force the move if he cant afford it because the money he wants to spend on moving should be used on bills for our house that are still not paid. The sad thing is the moment he moves out, I will have to sell one car so I can afford life as a single mother. and it will be the car that he drives, then he will say I am doing that because I pay for it. There is no way that I will be able to afford to take care of all the house bills alone so I have to give up something. And again why help out a man who is leaving you anyway... So that's where we are now. I have made a decision finally him and I are on the same page, that this marriage is over. We might not be saying it to one another but we are both aware that we are done. I am just waiting for him to find his feet 1st then I will start the divorce process because if I don't I know he wont. This is probably the hardest part. Edited January 4, 2016 by Mylenie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I keep making excuses for his infidelity.Blaming it on his past, watching his father cheat, I blame it on him working so hard yet his business not doing well. I keep on thinking he did it and all the other bad treatments to push me away because he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved. Due to the fact that he can't provide as he would love to. Another thing is he is hurting and I look at him wondering why he is hurting. What can possibly cause him pain? you can cheat and then feel pain when your wife keeps bringing the affair up. You knew the consequences, since it's not the 1st time. is this normal? No time to read all so a drive by post for now. There are no reasons or justifications to make the decision to cheat. However there are many things for the WS and the BS to recover the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I would never exactly "make excuses" for my wife's behavior, actions, or beliefs... before or after we married. Also her behavior had zero to do with me... at all. That said - I have come to the understanding of the life forces and traumatic events that changed her and were drove her unhealthy choices. They were still her choices - no excuses - but I think to be human is to understand that under certain circumstances of pain or loss - all of us can act outside of normal bounds. I have never cheated, but once or twice when life beat me down, I have done unacceptable things 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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