Having a hard time going through with divorce and filing papers

[cja]

First thank you all for the thought provoking responses. It truly is appreciated that strangers who I do not know and who do not know me take the time to offer valuable responses. I need to clarify that my therapist is also our marriage counselor so he has seen my husband as well. My therapist seems very sympathetic to my husband and at least from my perspective makes excuses for his name calling and harsh language. Also I no longer live with my husband. I did leave after he sent that text from the pacific coast and then left for months before returning last winter. He could have had his affair partner but chose not to pursue that any further. I spoke with her and she would definitely still be interested. We tried to reconcile and I did move back in to our house (actually I own it) over the summer but left again this October after one particularly bad fight where he kept yelling 'fu'k you' over and over and stating that I was such a burden to him, then slammed the door in my face. I left again and have been staying at my apratment since though we still see each other and I have not filed for divorce or even legal separation. I still love him, the good side and of course there is a very good side to him or I wouldn't have spent ten years with him.

[dreamingoftigers]

First thank you all for the thought provoking responses. It truly is appreciated that strangers who I do not know and who do not know me take the time to offer valuable responses. I need to clarify that my therapist is also our marriage counselor so he has seen my husband as well. My therapist seems very sympathetic to my husband and at least from my perspective makes excuses for his name calling and harsh language. Also I no longer live with my husband. I did leave after he sent that text from the pacific coast and then left for months before returning last winter. He could have had his affair partner but chose not to pursue that any further. I spoke with her and she would definitely still be interested. We tried to reconcile and I did move back in to our house (actually I own it) over the summer but left again this October after one particularly bad fight where he kept yelling 'fu'k you' over and over and stating that I was such a burden to him, then slammed the door in my face. I left again and have been staying at my apratment since though we still see each other and I have not filed for divorce or even legal separation. I still love him, the good side and of course there is a very good side to him or I wouldn't have spent ten years with him.

 

Frankly, when they get to the point where they might have to apologize for something; or even admit that they are "less than perfect" they get really stupidly defensive.

 

Your therapist is totally not helping if he's making excuses for verbal abuse -- for starters!

 

Some people, instead of taking ANY responsibility just want it to "go away / let's move past it RIGHT NOW" WITHOUT ANY CONSIDERATION for you. They're "over it" why can't you be?

 

So if you "keep bringing it up" then the conflict is "your fault." Really it is total shortsighted stupidity. From someone who calls you "fuc*ing stupid" the gall of him.

 

It isn't your fault he didn't treat his marriage like an adult male should treat his marriage. He just wants it to go away and you to see him the same way you did before. Doesn't matter how you "feel" about it. And if he doesn't get his way, he'll throw tantrum after tantrum.

 

It seems scary and more serious because it's an adult and someone who you've taken seriously for a decade.

 

But as a Mom of a now six year-old; my husbands tantrums often had weaker excuses and were about the same. Name-calling, "I'm leaving," "I hate you" "I'm sick of you" "you deserve this because blah blah blah."

 

Just like a little kid with a bad attitude. And just like a little kid having a tantrum, don't try to reason with them or give in. It just feeds the tantrum and the attitude.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Question: Anyone happy on the other side?

 

Answer: Yes, my wife cheated and left for other guy, she came back, then left again for new guy. I divorced her, found a woman who loved and appreciated me, for me and have lived happily ever after. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, but you have an individual that is verbally abusive to you and probably a bit narcissistic. Additionally, the guy that is supposed to be helping you is excusing his behavior. I don't normally do this, but I think you need to very seriously consider cutting your lose and finding someone who truly loves you.

[cja]

So another question, I have talked with my husband about my concerns over his behavior and treatment of me as unacceptable and borderline abusive. He will admit that when he calls me names like a 'snotty bit^h' it is not acceptable but that I have to take some accountability too for bringing him to that point. I keep trying to look at our fights over the last year of trying to reconcile and I really don't know what I am doing to bring him there, except trying to talk to him. The fight that led me to leave our home again in Oct occured because I had been feeling that he was treating me coldly and had been distant. I tried doing what the therapist recommended and framed my concern with I feel statements and even said that maybe all this is just in my head and please tell me if that's the case. I simply said 'I feel that there may be something going on as I have been feeling like you have been distant with me.' His retort was an immediate, snarky "well I don't have to entertain you all the time", then I said "that feels passive aggressive and I didn't even say you have to entertain me. I said I've felt like you...' then he cut me off with 'fuc8 you' f8ck you over and over again and went off on a tirade about what a burden I was to him, even going off on a bizarre rant about how sometimes when I take a sh*t, he has to flush down my floaters and how disgusting it is and I am. This makes no sense what so ever because sometimes my husband will literally forget to flush and when I have to flush it down I simply joke to him about it, not call him disgusting. After this fight and my leaving it took him three days to even apologize but it was only a half apology where he kept saying that I need to apologize too. But with this particular fight especially, I can't see anything that I did that was wrong. I literally only got in two sentences during that fight and then after he was finished with his rant, he turned and went to the bathroom to shower. I tried to follow him and defend myself I guess, but he slammed the door on my face and then went to bed and I cried myself to sleep on the couch. He wouldn't even look at me or talk to me in the morning while I was getting ready for work. So I left that morning and didn't come back (I've maintained a separate apartment). I ended up apologizing for him feeling hurt and unappreciated but I still don't feel I did anything wrong. I feel I should be able to talk to my husband about my feelings without it blowing up like that. I guess I don't really have a question. I'm just needing a place to vent and put my thoughts out there. Your responses have been very helpful and are so appreciated. Thank you for listening.

Edited November 24, 2015 by cja

[66Charger]

CJ, I build houses, just have a 2 year degree in business, but I seem to always attract women with a higher education. Currently a docter. One of the things none of them possessed was delusion or a "its ok to walk over me" attitude. I dont mean to be harsh, but what is the matter with your sense of selfworth? Why in the world would you put up with that crap.

 

When the F yous start flying, it should be over. I remember many years ago, a woman I was dating said f you to me, and I looked over my shoulder to see who she was talking too. Shortly her name was changed to X.

 

I wouldnt be surprised that if you stay in this relationship, instead of fk you flying, it will soon be fist. Your love glasses are broken. So what you love him. Thats ok. You must be stronger than your love. Everything that is you, needs to look in the mirror and see who you really are and what your life will be if you stay this course.

 

Look in the mirror

 

Love him

 

Then leave him

[66Charger]

OP:

It's a sad but true reality women blame themselves in affairs regardless of their role in the triangle. Why? Because men are suppose to cheat, and it's your job to put up with it or somehow prevent it? Seriously, you need to tell Mr. Wonderful to go pound salt and hit the trail. It's time to pull the 180.

 

*** In general, your gender will determine who you believe is to blame. Male BS/BPs almost never blame themselves for their partner stepping out. In a majority of affairs, female BS/BPs wrongfully believe they are partially at fault for their partner's decision to cheat. It's a sad but not surprising statistic.

 

Find yourself a better forever,

OneLov

 

The utter ignorance of this post, required me to write. Not only should it be retracted, it should be erased.

 

Men are supposed to cheat? Who the hell believes that except a pot head or a male hater. A BS is a BS regardless of gender and the pain of infidelity is the same.

A pox on all your studies and the stupid old ass idea that all men are pigs.

Perhaps it is your personal choices that make you think this way, but I believe most men are NOT STUPID and have honor as I do for women as well.

 

Noluv

[Krashi]

Yes, a truly bigoted, antiquated, misadric post re men. So much hate.

[Krashi]

Misandric. Bad typist.

[DAO]

OP:

 

 

 

It's a sad but true reality women blame themselves in affairs regardless of their role in the triangle. Why? Because men are suppose to cheat, and it's your job to put up with it or somehow prevent it? Seriously, you need to tell Mr. Wonderful to go pound salt and hit the trail. It's time to pull the 180.

 

*** In general, your gender will determine who you believe is to blame. Male BS/BPs almost never blame themselves for their partner stepping out. In a majority of affairs, female BS/BPs wrongfully believe they are partially at fault for their partner's decision to cheat. It's a sad but not surprising statistic.

 

Find yourself a better forever,

OneLov

 

I heard rumor Martian men behave same

[cja]

I dont mean to be harsh, but what is the matter with your sense of selfworth? Why in the world would you put up with that crap.

 

 

I don't know..... Maybe I am f*cking stupid after-all, the irony.

Edited November 24, 2015 by cja

[66Charger]

I truly meant that with no offense.

[cja]

I know and none taken. You are right. Thank you.

[66Charger]

I also think you would be surprised at how better and happier your life could be. You have a much higher value than what you think.

 

You never know.

 

Happy Holidays

[waterwoman]

Please divorce him. I chose to reconcile with a H who was remorseful and it was still hard. Your H does not sound in the slightest bit remorseful - in fact he seems resentful. What possible reason does he or you therapist have to blame you? I can't see a scenario where you could be to blame enough to deserve this treatment - if there is any good enought reason your H should have left and stayed gone. But he didn't. Take the power out of his vile hands and divorce xx

[OneLov]

The utter ignorance of this post, required me to write. Not only should it be retracted, it should be erased.

 

Men are supposed to cheat? Who the hell believes that except a pot head or a male hater. A BS is a BS regardless of gender and the pain of infidelity is the same.

A pox on all your studies and the stupid old ass idea that all men are pigs.

Perhaps it is your personal choices that make you think this way, but I believe most men are NOT STUPID and have honor as I do for women as well.

 

Noluv

 

I'm sorry that you read my post out of context. I should have been more literal and reserved the satirical commentary for a more appropriate place. I was merely trying to state a general gender difference. The statement was not meant to be dividing nor disrespectful. I am not sure how you understood my statement to mean "men are pigs" or BS/BP males don't hurt? I never said that.

 

My statement was: In general, male BS/BP tend to blame 1. WS/WP and/or 2. OW/OM before themselves. Female BS/BP tend to blame 1. OW/OM and/or 2. themselves before blaming the WS/WP. But my main point was a BS/BP should NEVER blame themselves. I'm not sure how anyone thought I was discounting or discrediting the pain of infidelity. I'm sorry you have so much venom in your heart that you need to reduce yourself to insulting me in a forum created to discuss these issues.

 

I'm sorry, but I am the furthest thing from a bigot. You don't know me and yet you personally insult me? Wow. Please give me the respect I give you and do not make statements implying that you somehow know me.

 

OneLov

Edited November 24, 2015 by OneLov

[OneLov]

Yes, a truly bigoted, antiquated, misadric post re men. So much hate.

 

If you are going to accuse me of misandry, I ask that you please cite where I made misandric statements?

[66Charger]

I took nothing you said out of context.

 

Men are supposed to cheat is what your wrote.

 

That is the same as "men are pigs" in the English language.

 

You deserve the insult for that statement.

 

Dont bother defending the statement. Everyone here can read. And i will not threadjack CJ.

Edited November 24, 2015 by 66Charger

[cja]

First, I think it is fair to say that there is no gender specific response to infidelity, only a universal response of human suffering. Let's look at the things that connect us rather than those that pull us apart. :-)

Edited November 24, 2015 by cja

[OneLov]

It's a sad but true reality women blame themselves in affairs regardless of their role in the triangle. Why? Because men are suppose to cheat, and it's your job to put up with it or somehow prevent it? Seriously, you need to tell Mr. Wonderful to go pound salt and hit the trail. It's time to pull the 180.

I am sorry if I offended anyone as that was not my intent. The italicized sentence above was written with sarcastic overtones as evidenced by transitional word that immediately follows.

 

But for the record, my overall point in that post was do not let him gaslight you or accept responsibility for his actions. There are studies that show women are more susceptible to this type of thinking pattern. I was trying to give support to the OP to resist any temptation to accept responsibility for the choice(s) her significant other made.

 

No matter what he may claim, he made the choice to step out. Period. This is not cause and effect; the choice was 100% his unilateral and deliberate action. I apologize for not making myself more clear.

[ladydesigner]

My husband left me a year ago via a text message (yes, a fuc@ing text message after six years of marriage, ten years together). He told me at the time that he had a transformational journey and found himself (he went on a solo bike trip down the pacific trail). Turns out he really just found himself behind another woman and thought that the grass was greener there. Then a few months later, I guess he found that it wasn't really so he came back, sort of. He blamed me for the affair, after he finally admitted he had one and that he wanted to work things out. He has a habit of being very mean to me, calling me a bi*ch, a burden, etc. when he is angry and over the past year of trying to reconcile he has still gone to these dark places and called me names and yelled at me. I know this makes me appear like a weak and small person And maybe I am, but I get so confused and he says that I share some of the blame for this and the state of our relationship. I don't know. I'm at a point where I just don't believe that we can truly get beyond this. I have always prided myself on being a capable, independent person yet this is what he tears me down for, that I am some sort of burden that holds him back in life. I have a good job, make more money than he has for most of relationship, work more, and have never put pressure on him to do anything for me. I just wonder if anyone has come out stronger on the other side of an affair?

 

 

Well you can say I am stronger, more jaded and pessimistic, and my sarcasm is dripping at times. I can't say that I have gotten better though

 

OP if your husband left, then came back and complained that the A was your fault, wowza he deserves a big whomp upside the head:laugh: He doesn't sound remorseful AT ALL. I would boot him right back out from where he came from!

[Oberfeldwebel]

What did you do to drive him to say bad things to you? Nothing.....absolutely nothing, he chose to act this way. He is blame shifting to give you credit for his bad behavior, don't accept it for him, throw the BS flag and hold him accountable for his actions. Pay little attention to his words and a lot more to his actions. There is nothing that show, love or remorse in the way you describe this person. It is your choice, but just don't see a relationship worth saving.

[dreamingoftigers]

So another question, I have talked with my husband about my concerns over his behavior and treatment of me as unacceptable and borderline abusive. He will admit that when he calls me names like a 'snotty bit^h' it is not acceptable but that I have to take some accountability too for bringing him to that point. I keep trying to look at our fights over the last year of trying to reconcile and I really don't know what I am doing to bring him there, except trying to talk to him. The fight that led me to leave our home again in Oct occured because I had been feeling that he was treating me coldly and had been distant. I tried doing what the therapist recommended and framed my concern with I feel statements and even said that maybe all this is just in my head and please tell me if that's the case. I simply said 'I feel that there may be something going on as I have been feeling like you have been distant with me.' His retort was an immediate, snarky "well I don't have to entertain you all the time", then I said "that feels passive aggressive and I didn't even say you have to entertain me. I said I've felt like you...' then he cut me off with 'fuc8 you' f8ck you over and over again and went off on a tirade about what a burden I was to him, even going off on a bizarre rant about how sometimes when I take a sh*t, he has to flush down my floaters and how disgusting it is and I am. This makes no sense what so ever because sometimes my husband will literally forget to flush and when I have to flush it down I simply joke to him about it, not call him disgusting. After this fight and my leaving it took him three days to even apologize but it was only a half apology where he kept saying that I need to apologize too. But with this particular fight especially, I can't see anything that I did that was wrong. I literally only got in two sentences during that fight and then after he was finished with his rant, he turned and went to the bathroom to shower. I tried to follow him and defend myself I guess, but he slammed the door on my face and then went to bed and I cried myself to sleep on the couch. He wouldn't even look at me or talk to me in the morning while I was getting ready for work. So I left that morning and didn't come back (I've maintained a separate apartment). I ended up apologizing for him feeling hurt and unappreciated but I still don't feel I did anything wrong. I feel I should be able to talk to my husband about my feelings without it blowing up like that. I guess I don't really have a question. I'm just needing a place to vent and put my thoughts out there. Your responses have been very helpful and are so appreciated. Thank you for listening.

 

Please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

Anyhow as for "you have to take responsibility for getting him to that point...."

 

Bullshirt.

 

How old is he? Seriously?

 

My husband used to pull the card too. After I read that book, I was pretty confident about confronting him on his ridiculousness.

 

He told me, "you don't poke the bear. How many times do you have to learn not to poke the bear."

 

I actually kind of lost it (oh, I am sure he is responsible for driving me to that point. )

I told him point-blank.

 

"You think that's what this is when I come yo you with issues because I want our marriage to change? You think that's 'poking the bear?' So now you're an effing bear? On top of the cheating, lying, breaking my stuff and freaking out at me; it turns out I'm married to a Plushy that can't learn to control his temper? You better decide what animal you are, because I'm not into beastiality. I'm not staying married to 'a bear.'"

 

I don't know why that reached him but it did.

He doesn't use me as an excuse to act ridiculous.

 

If emotional pressure was an excuse to act ridiculous, you would have been justified in going absolutely crazy after his affair and his treatment of you. Instead you keep trying to fix and connect with him.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

 

HIM.

 

He's a trainwreck.

[cja]

First off, thank you again everyone. I appreciate the continued dialogue more than you understand. These are not things I can talk with my family or friends about (I know not a good sign) so just the simple dialogue is wonderful. Dreamingoftigers especially your insight hits me hard, though I cringe everytime I read the words that it is abusive. What does that even mean? and if so why doesn't my therapist, and marriage counselor or his therapist agree? I'm being advised by professionals that because my husband has PTSD I need to be more undersanding and forgiving of the behavior (and he truly does have PTSD and I have tried very, very hard to be understanding of this and I haven't even written the half of some of our worst fights when he used to threaten my safety etc. one time going as far as pouring gasoline on me etc...). So I just don't know which way is up. My therapist straight out told me that I was the stronger person and because I was the stronger of us both I needed to bear the weight and burden of my husbands pain if I really loved him, or if I don't love him to just accept that and leave though it may break him?

[66Charger]

CJ please read slowly.

 

He threatened your safety....BY POURING GASOLINE ON YOU. Death by fire.

 

Fire your therapist.

 

Fire your Marriage counselor.

 

Fire your HUSBAND

 

Get out now

[dreamingoftigers]

First off, thank you again everyone. I appreciate the continued dialogue more than you understand. These are not things I can talk with my family or friends about (I know not a good sign) so just the simple dialogue is wonderful. Dreamingoftigers especially your insight hits me hard, though I cringe everytime I read the words that it is abusive. What does that even mean? and if so why doesn't my therapist, and marriage counselor or his therapist agree? I'm being advised by professionals that because my husband has PTSD I need to be more undersanding and forgiving of the behavior (and he truly does have PTSD and I have tried very, very hard to be understanding of this and I haven't even written the half of some of our worst fights when he used to threaten my safety etc. one time going as far as pouring gasoline on me etc...). So I just don't know which way is up. My therapist straight out told me that I was the stronger person and because I was the stronger of us both I needed to bear the weight and burden of my husbands pain if I really loved him, or if I don't love him to just accept that and leave though it may break him?

 

Seriously, YOU CANNOT "OUT-LOVE" THAT!

 

If anyone has PTSD now, it's you.

 

You probably have a whopping case of PTSD and have trauma-bonded to this guy.

 

You need out so bad you have no idea.

 

I would say if you want a better definition of abuse, to please read that book. But at this point I STRONGLY RECOMMEND that you phone a shelter and start accessing counseling resources from them. RIGHT AWAY.

 

Honestly, that is FAR BEYOND the regular garden-variety abuse.

 

And that is NOT your fault. IT ISN'T.

 

I get that abuse causes shame inside you. It's embarrassing. It makes you think, "do people just think I am an idiot for staying? I'm not an idiot. I don't want to look like an idiot."

 

What A LOT of people who haven't been through it don't understand, is the slow psychological wearing-down and the somewhat addictive quotient that these relationships produce because YOU WAIT FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER. Often, there is a high-cost to having remained in the relationship, making it harder to leave because you have invested so much. As well, because you have invested so much, you try so much harder to make the abuser happy so that they calm the Hell down and are nice to you.

 

You've already left and moved away and he still is not treating you reasonably.

 

Once my husband realized I was gone and he wasn't welcome here, that's when his motivation to improve kicked-in. His behaviour wasn't worth the cost. And my safety was never threatened. Well, one time when he was drunk he raised a pair of shoes up like he might hit me and I just looked at him and said, "you REALLY don't want to do that." And he looked really scared and put the shoes down. That was right before we separated.

 

Your husband is such a "damaged" or "entitled" individual that his has decided to defend his behaviour over and over. That therapist enables it and is acting as though you have to be "stronger and outlove his issues." That is COMPLETELY DANGEROUS AND INAPPROPRIATE.

 

Honestly, I would suggest reporting the therapist. Him asking you to continue to accept and tolerate abuse of this nature is totally UNACCEPTABLE.

 

This is NOT YOU. Not you "being stupid" or whatever. This is totally him and a therapist the enables his ridiculous behaviour. You need away from this and taking safety precautions.

 

I understand that he's not an ass "everyday" and not a total "monster." However, he has done high-risk behaviours that he continues to defend. These are the warning signs for serious future issues. Behaviours that are multiple-time deal-breakers for any marriage or partnership. HE HAS SEVERE PROBLEMS. You are not "betraying him" or "not loving him enough" by PROTECTING YOURSELF.

 

I STRONGLY SUGGEST accessing the resources of a shelter, they often have free or low-cost counseling. I know that there is a lot of doubt. I hope that they can help you resolve it. You don't need black eyes to be seriously psychologically scarred from your partner.