Having a hard time going through with divorce and filing papers

[Miss Peach]

Thank you. I'm wrestling with feelings that I haven't tried or given enough, spiraling in guilt and your responses help so very much.

 

I felt similar leaving an abusive ex. It didn't help he basically did a slot machine of tactics just as your stbx is doing to wheel you back in. There is nothing YOU can do to MAKE him change. That was the biggest takeaway I had from the relationship. I always thought if I just did XYZ we wouldn't fight, he would finally see my side, etc. I never happened and never will. I've seen similar with other women I know who were in abusive relationships.

 

I highly recommend reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. Lots of great advice to understand what abuse looks like and understand it better. I also recommend building up your self esteem so your stbx or someone else can't abuse you again. I found Natalie Lue's books and blog helpful for that.

[cja]

Hello LS community. I've been doing a lot of reflection as I spend time with my family over the holidays. I wanted to bounce some of my thoughts here as you all give such good, honest, straightforward advice.

 

I have been thinking about what my husband's affair, abandonement, and then return. I think that instead of running away from me or us, he was really trying to get away from the person he had become: somewhat abusive, sexist etc. When I talked with his affair partner she called him a feminist. I nearly had to choke back laughter at this portrayal of the man who harshly judged me for every mistake I have ever made, or sexual experience and relationship I've ever had prior to knowing him.

 

He once interrogated me for hours trying to have me recall every person I'd every done anything sexual with from my youth forward, what the circumstances were, etc and then spent hours ridiculing me for what he was able to get. Now this is given that his sexual history includes sleeping with more than two times as many women as I have men, so much more promiscuous than I had ever been, and he also slept with a few married women. I never did that. He aslo called me some nasty names for having been sexually abused as a teen, that I was dirty and tainted from that.

 

He has always held a strict double standard when it comes to women and sexuality. However, he holds the opposite of this traditional view of male/ female roles when it comes to who should be the provider. He and I have never mixed our money together and he speaks of women who 'use' men as the provider in a very derogatory way. Anyway I was just thinking that maybe that was part of the appeal of the affair. He didn't really like the man he had become and wanted to be seen as an openminded, kind hearted, good person and to drop all the baggage that came from our shared history without ever having to face it.

 

I kind of have compassion for it when I look at it from this perspective. Also I never reinforced this negative view of himself. I always tried to lift him up to meet his higher potential. His dad is abusive to his mom, and though I never called him out on the similarities, I noted them and tried to help him be the better man I knew he could be.

 

And he is a world away from where he started. He used to get in lots of fights and be very angry when he first came back from Iraq. One time we were bicycling home after a very nice day outdoor grocery shopping, and a woman in a car accidently cut us off. I knew he took it personally (I could just tell these things after awhile) and so I told him to let it go, lets go home, grill out and have a nice evening. He didn't. He followed that car and then threw off his bike helmet and vest and threatened the man (not the wife who actually cut us off but the wifes husband) who was also in a chest beating mood too. He actually thretened to slit the guys throat. The cops were called ect.

 

Due to the nature of my work, I actually got in trouble for this event because my husband was considered my dependent overseas. He was so shocked that I didn't get mad and scream and yell at him (he said he had his defenses up ready for this). I just said anger begets anger, and hate begets hate. You can either chose to react to these kinds of things (which will ALWAYS happen) as a personal slight and send more anger into the world or react with compassion and understanding. However you choose to react, that is what you will get back tenfold. Since then he hasn't had anymore of these random fights etc and that's been years ago. And he's always thanked me for being there for him with understanding instead of anger during that really hard first year after he came back from Iraq. Anyway just thinking outloud here.

 

Hope everyone had a very merry Christmas!

[BettyDraper]

You will be happier once you leave your husband, seek counseling and grieve what was lost as well as the traumatic events which occurred in your marriage.

 

I think that you're making excuses to stay out of guilt for your affair, as well as some Stockholm Syndrome from being abused for so long. This is not a healthy choice. Based on what you have shared about your husband, I am seriously afraid for your safety. This is a very dangerous person.

[katielee]

((Cja)) I'm sending you huge hugs!! Take care of yourself!

[Miss Peach]

The issue is that no matter how much you analyze this you will never know his motivation for the affair. In the end does it matter? His behavior isn't deserving of how you're treating him.

 

A lot of what you wrote could have been my ex. I've been through those interrogations. They are NOT normal in healthy relationships.

 

I tried a lot to make my my ex *better*. The thing is any person can only make themselves better if THEY want to. He has been this way. He has had this behavior modeled for him. He is fine behaving this way. He could change but it would take HIM to want to make those changes. It won't happen if he has everything he wants in life. Right now he doesn't have any incentive to change.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but losing his comfy life is the only thing that *might* convince him to change. He will initially be quite frustrated/flabbergasted you could leave and are out of his control. All these tactics are just to get you back under his control. Once you are out of his control, it will be so peaceful and different you won't want to go back.

 

Again I highly recommend looking up Natalie Lue's blog. She has a concept called 'Florence Nightingale' that explains what you are doing.

[Miss Clavel]

My husband left me a year ago via a text message (yes, a fuc@ing text message after six years of marriage, ten years together). He told me at the time that he had a transformational journey and found himself (he went on a solo bike trip down the pacific trail). Turns out he really just found himself behind another woman and thought that the grass was greener there. Then a few months later, I guess he found that it wasn't really so he came back, sort of. He blamed me for the affair, after he finally admitted he had one and that he wanted to work things out. He has a habit of being very mean to me, calling me a bi*ch, a burden, etc. when he is angry and over the past year of trying to reconcile he has still gone to these dark places and called me names and yelled at me. I know this makes me appear like a weak and small person And maybe I am, but I get so confused and he says that I share some of the blame for this and the state of our relationship. I don't know. I'm at a point where I just don't believe that we can truly get beyond this. I have always prided myself on being a capable, independent person yet this is what he tears me down for, that I am some sort of burden that holds him back in life. I have a good job, make more money than he has for most of relationship, work more, and have never put pressure on him to do anything for me. I just wonder if anyone has come out stronger on the other side of an affair?

 

What you are telling us has little to do with your question.

 

It seems to me that, like me, you are bafffled by his perception of you and confused why he is back.

 

And admit it, you are gloating, a little?

 

I think he does love you but he's afraid you don't NEED him, for much of anything.

 

work it out or throw him out, you are going to have to tell him, like all independent women have to, sooner or later, how you really feel about him.

 

If you need him, tell him.

 

Oh, and tell him if he demeens you or calls you names again, you will stick a knife in his neck.

 

Then smile and tell him, of course I would never stab you, unless you're sleeping.

 

He wants a fight he wants you to show him emotion.

 

Or not, what do I know.

 

Good luck

[ladydesigner]

What you are telling us has little to do with your question.

 

It seems to me that, like me, you are bafffled by his perception of you and confused why he is back.

 

And admit it, you are gloating, a little?

 

I think he does love you but he's afraid you don't NEED him, for much of anything.

 

work it out or throw him out, you are going to have to tell him, like all independent women have to, sooner or later, how you really feel about him.

 

If you need him, tell him.

 

Oh, and tell him if he demeens you or calls you names again, you will stick a knife in his neck.

 

Then smile and tell him, of course I would never stab you, unless you're sleeping.

 

He wants a fight he wants you to show him emotion.

 

Or not, what do I know.

 

Good luck

 

This is our dynamic now. My WH knows I don't need him for much of anything because he has made it that way. I have had to learn to survive this whole thing on my own. Having an absent spouse tends to make one more independent.

[bathtub-row]

I honestly can't fathom what you must be thinking. I don't care if you love this idiot, if you worship the ground he walks on, and kiss his ass everyday of your life. I don't care if you slept with the Los Angeles Rams, sixteen times. There must be some part of you that must tell you how insane it is to spend one more second with this guy! Seriously! Something. Something must tell you that he his completely deranged and unchangeable.

 

And all this introspective crap is just that: crap!

 

Here's a good rule of thumb: any time a guy pees on you, it's game over. PERIOD!! NO QUESTIONS ASKED. NO MORE DISCUSSION!!

 

Please, please, please do yourself a huge favor and lose this loser!!! This entire story makes me completely nuts. I dream of a world where women never allow themselves to be victims of abuse.

[cja]

Happy NYE. With 2016 approaching I want to try to start this year off better than 2015. Last year, I was such a mess after dealing with my husband's abandonment and then sudden reappearance. 2015 began with my husband dropping his affair in my lap and, yes, MY mistake of accepting the blame in many ways and entering back into the toxic relationship WE had built together. I want to do things differently this year. I am about to go home (visiting family now) and start work again. As of now my plan is to finally actually file for dissolution next week, and then to move out closer to my family this summer. I realize I need their support and they are all more than happy to give it. I've just been rejecting it due to pride and stupidity.

 

I would move sooner if not for my job, but I will have to stay put until the summer. Right now the only real plan I have is to file for divorce and move over the summer. I think I should also put our house on the market and sell but that is so hard. He lives there (I'm in an apartment) and has been doing everything to make it into a more picture perfect home for me (building the raised bed gardens, etc). I have enough money saved from my previous job (I don't make much from my current one but I LOVE what I do now so it's worth the salary downgrade). SO I think I could still afford to buy a new place without having to sell my old house. And I don't have a mortgage on the house, so it's not as though I'd be paying anything more on it.

 

I want our dissolution to be good for both of us. We were toxic for each other and obviously did not bring out the best in each other but that doesn't mean that we can't both go forward and grow from this. He is actually trying now since I haven't wavered from the path of divorce. He did go on that ten day silent meditation (he's still there). I've done one before and they are not fun, you just sit there with your own thoughts ALL day with NO distractions so if you are miserable you have no one to blame but yourself. It's no retreat or spa. He wants to be a better man for me, yes, though I've told him that it ultimately needs to be for himself. I also want to be a better woman, not for him at all, but for myself, one who doesn't accept victimization because of some stupid internalized guilt complex from youth or childhood or whatever.

 

You all here have really helped me see my OWN accountability in this dynamic. And I am determined to build my own self-worth by making good, smart choices (thank you Oldshirt!). His pointing out of that line in forest gump was to me so wonderful. "Stupid is as stupid does." I love that movie, so that really hit home. I still need some support, encouragement and guidance in making good, smart choices.

 

There's still this part of me that believes I may be a lost cause, worthless and just too damaged from my ten year toxic relationship and I need help either quieting that little voice or understanding how to let it be there without letting it affect my choices? I can't deny it's there anymore, that hasn't worked. Any advice or just words of encouragement as I will soon be going home and want to come home with both a good mindset and plan? I haven't seen my old therapist since I've been posting on this site, because he was the one encouraging me to stay with my husband and work things out but I haven't got a new one either. I just simply didn't schedule my next appointment. Also suggestions about my house? Thank you all and Happy New Year!

Edited December 31, 2015 by cja

[66Charger]

Since you own the house, why dont you keep it as a income property? Put it in the hands of a property manangement company so you wont have to deal with whoever stays there, even if it is your ex. A steady source of income could come in handy. Dont sell, unless you have to.

[NewLeaf512]

I honestly can't fathom what you must be thinking. I don't care if you love this idiot, if you worship the ground he walks on, and kiss his ass everyday of your life. I don't care if you slept with the Los Angeles Rams, sixteen times. There must be some part of you that must tell you how insane it is to spend one more second with this guy! Seriously! Something. Something must tell you that he his completely deranged and unchangeable.

 

And all this introspective crap is just that: crap!

 

Here's a good rule of thumb: any time a guy pees on you, it's game over. PERIOD!! NO QUESTIONS ASKED. NO MORE DISCUSSION!!

 

Please, please, please do yourself a huge favor and lose this loser!!! This entire story makes me completely nuts. I dream of a world where women never allow themselves to be victims of abuse.

Cja

 

I agree with Bathtub

 

I gave you my story and it didn't make you even bat an eye. The fact I'm alive is because I beat a billion to one odds. 2 of my friends and my H himself weren't so lucky. I'm scared it is going to take him really hurting you or someone else to get you to be in reality. My H turned into a Saint who worshiped me in the run up to the court date. I pray that you do not become a statistic .

[ShatteredLady]

That man is capable of urinating on you AND pouring gas on you to set you on fire!

 

Think about the statistic that NewLeaf is....it's when they loose that they become most dangerous! Please plan your escape very carefully. PLEASE! Those statistics are full of women who made excuses & loved their husbands once.

 

NewLeaf is VERY, VERY lucky (OMG it's a horrific world where I can say that! I'm so sorry.) Read the family stories of women who weren't....

 

IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

[66Charger]

Your days of feeling like a lost cause, worthless and damaged are coming to a end. Doesn't matter if you have moments of doubt, everyone does. In order to keep these to a minimum,, focus on something I call a Second Life. Your life is like a book. What is written in the chapters is entirely up to you. Your first book has some triumphs and some tragedies. It is time to close that book and start another one. You are a intelligent woman. You have sooo much to offer. You are driving in the right direction now. The signs on the road say No U Turns.

 

It is your responsibility to fill as many pages as possible with stars of happiness. You are wiser now, so your mistakes of yesterday are history, where they belong.

 

So, instead of thinking what you did, how you felt and thought yesterday, focus on what will be in Chapter 1, page 2 of CJAs Second Life.

 

The pages are blank. There are many chapters. What are you going to write?

Edited January 1, 2016 by 66Charger

[cja]

Thank you, 66Charger. I am about to celebrate NYE with the family and I will give a toast to this new chapter :-) Happy NY!

[66Charger]

Getting faded.....yay

[sandylee1]

For the life of me I don't know why you would want anymore to do with a man that urinated on you. That should have been the day you walked. So you cheated before marriage. .. it was a ONS...... you confessed and he still wanted to marry you.

 

You are a victim of domestic violence and emotional abuse... You've made excuses and blamed yourself for his terrible actions over the years.

 

You know what..put the cheating on both sides in a box for one moment.... He's abusive and no parent or loved one would want you anywhere near him. My worse nightmare would be one of my daughters ending up with a pathetic excuse for a man like him.. who would treat another human in such a degrading manner.

 

I'm in shock that you've been so beaten down and accepting this..it makes me so sad for you.

 

Good luck for 2016... you're worth so much more than what you've got from your husband.....you just need to believe that. Keep telling yourself..you weren't placed on earth to be mistreated and abused .

[merrmeade]

Your days of feeling like a lost cause, worthless and damaged are coming to a end. Doesn't matter if you have moments of doubt, everyone does. In order to keep these to a minimum,, focus on something I call a Second Life. Your life is like a book. What is written in the chapters is entirely up to you. Your first book has some triumphs and some tragedies. It is time to close that book and start another one. You are a intelligent woman. You have sooo much to offer. You are driving in the right direction now. The signs on the road say No U Turns.

 

It is your responsibility to fill as many pages as possible with stars of happiness. You are wiser now, so your mistakes of yesterday are history, where they belong.

 

So, instead of thinking what you did, how you felt and thought yesterday, focus on what will be in Chapter 1, page 2 of CJAs Second Life.

 

The pages are blank. There are many chapters. What are you going to write?

That ^^^ is so lovely.

[cja]

So I'm back home and a little sad but trying to remain hopeful about my second life. I know it's crazy but I miss my husband. I told my family on New Years that I planned to move over the summer. And do you know what they did? Two of my sisters and my mother and stepdad offered right off the bat to fly over and help me move across the country. That floored me with love and when I said that I didn't want to be a burden and could do it all by myself, without hesitation my stepdad said nonsense we want to help you. That is a really big deal because my mom and especially my stepdad have super busy jobs and they are willingly giving up limited vacation to help. They actually all got out their calendars to coordinate dates and schedules already. I really do have a wonderful family. And thank you again to all of you who have helped me here too. I appreciate it so much.

[cja]

Hi all trying to find my way through grief and gain the courage to actually file the divorce papers. I'm starting a new thread in the divorce forum as that's what I want to do, just need to actually do it. Don't want to get into back story but if interested it's here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/558834-anyone-happy-other-side

 

How do I let go of all the good though? I know my husband was at times abusive and mean to me but the bulk of our shared time together was good. It's hard to let go of the memories. I have always been into outdoor activities and have never had cable TV. I love reading and talking philosophy while walking arm in arm with my husband and dog. We walked every evening together and enjoyed no tv intimate dinners every night. We had a very active sex life at least five times a week and sometimes more on long weekends. I loved waking up to passionate sex on Saturdays, then taking a long bike ride or jog, having a picnic in the park, and the going home only to have sex again. We would do yoga together and laugh and play. We would ride our bikes to the grocery store and pick out something amazing to cook together for dinner and just make a whole day of it. He would indulge me in watching kids movies that I love like inside out and Kung foo panda. We'd watch thought provoking documentaries together and then just sit outside and watch the stars or look through the telescope he bought. We'd spend the day gardening together, take our dog for a walk and then spend the evening giving each other long massages ending with making love. I'm just having a hard time with loss and grief and need some help moving forward. Thanks for any support.

Edited January 3, 2016 by cja

[Beach Guy]

99 parts good/great/passionate does not excuse 1 part abusive. You're doing the right thing by moving on.

[carhill]

I wish I could hook you up with my exW to gain some insight on that. For myself, dealing with it was an outgrowth of what I learned in MC prior to deciding to divorce, essentially to accept the good times and the not so good times and that, in our case, the love was gone and it was time to move on. I had some distractions from caring for a terminally ill person at the time but overall it wasn't too bad. Life throws stuff at us and we handle things as best we can. None of us is perfect.

 

If you need some help getting the ball rolling, try a couple sessions of IC to clarify things in your mind and then give the filing part a shot. If you have a lawyer, they make it easy, essentially grab details, plug them in, ask what motions you want filed and what grounds and they have their clerk take care of the rest. If you're doing it yourself, the court is an excellent resource. Ours had a self-help desk which compiled the documents and filed them with the clerk of the court.

 

Once we had everything sorted, they told us what to bring for our last visit, they filed the forms while we were there, requested judgment by mail and we had our dissolution the next day. ExW and I were on good terms so I took her out to one last lunch the day of filing, where we reflected on our ten years or so of being together. That's life. It'll work out

[oldshirt]

I would love to have great sex several times a week and to have evening walks with a special someone and the dog. And I would love to have indepth discussions with someone on topics other than the Kardiashians and whatever Ellen Digeneras is talking about.

 

 

And I have never abused, hit, threatened, shoved or even called anyone names.

 

 

I have to assume that there are also millions of men just like me that would like to have all of those good things in a relationship but would never abuse or mistreat anyone.

 

 

The good things that you mentioned are really part and parcel of a relationship......it's the abuse and mistreatment that are the exception. Just about any guy would be up for a good sexlife and walking the dog and talking about things. It's the abusers that are actually in the definite minority.

 

 

Get rid of the abuser and the psychopath and there will be millions of other men that would be glad to have a normal, healthy relationship minus the abuse.

[oldshirt]

And just an FYI, urinating on you and dousing you with gas and chasing you with a lighter is extreme abuse and attempted murder, it's isn't just a little pushing and shoving when things are getting a little out of hand.

[Mr. Lucky]

And just an FYI, urinating on you and dousing you with gas and chasing you with a lighter is extreme abuse and attempted murder, it's isn't just a little pushing and shoving when things are getting a little out of hand.

 

Couldn't agree more. cja, that you would describe your time together with this abuser in this way only indicates that the issues that led you to put up with this treatment for so long still remain. Hope you're talking to a therapist or counselor about this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cja]

I'm having doubts though I am trying not to. Tonight when talking about filing, my husband said to me: "you'll regret this one day." Not in like a mean way or he was going to do anything if I file. In fact, he says we can fill out the paperwork together and he is understanding of me needing to go down that path. He said my life is my own journey to travel and he won't stop me but that I will regret this path.

 

He is changing and his ten day meditation really showed him the need to change and face certain aspects if his psyche. I wonder if it is true. My highest value is that of forgiveness and a belief in redemption: crime and punishment is my favorite book. But what kind of value is it if I can't actively practice it? I kept telling my husband that I just don't believe in us as a workable couple but then he says it's not us, but him and he is changing. He will treat me as an equal worthy of respect. I don't believe in an equal us though: my doubts remain and I think the cycle may continue. Am I not being forgiving enough and living up to my own values? I don't know? I believe all people are worthy of feeling love and belonging, but some travel harder lives and just develop very inadequate self or other destructive coping skills. I'm just confused and contemplating if maybe I will regret going through with it. I don't know.

Edited January 6, 2016 by cja