Having a hard time going through with divorce and filing papers

[turnera]

Because there is a big part of me that wants to get a divorce but if things really do change I would want to try to establish a new relationship on a more equal footing.

cja, this guy is NOT GOOD. Not good, and not good for YOU. Nobody here WANTS you to have ANY kind of relationship with him in ANY future. We want you to learn and grow and heal and become the kind of person who would NEVER settle for a sick man like that.

[turnera]

Let time answer your questions. There is no greater advice for me. My H is wanting me to call again tonight though I talked to him last night, and the night before. It is as though now that I opened the door to communicate, he almost expects it and feels bad when he doesn't get it, then I in turn feel bad... And on and on the cycle goes. But there is nothing wrong with letting time answer my questions and in not being responsive.

That's because THAT'S HOW ABUSE WORKS!

 

Hon, STOP TALKING to the man you are divorcing because HE ABUSED YOU.

[cja]

I just got off the phone with my H. It wasn't good, why did I even expect it to be? We can't hear each other or see each other, he has his perspective and I mine. They have NO middle ground, though sometimes I do question maybe they do? He says I've treated him "like ****" the last year and not like a human being, I feel I haven't been harsh and though no where near perfect in respectful treatment, I have been kinder than I would've thought I could be (though of course I could have been more so).

 

He didn't sign the paperwork, he doesn't like the terms or something though he stipulated then. He got mad at me for saying, "well change them to anything you are more happy with". Then he went on about his he was being to generous to me, which is why I didn't want to agree to his terms in the first place: I knew they weren't genuine. Now I need to go through all this negotiating again and I'm so tired. Why doesn't he just tell me what he thinks is fair? Why does he keep putting terms in the table that he then feels victimized by? I never even suggested once I take the whole house, so why try to make me feel ****ty for agreeing to the terms HE sent to my lawyer? I'm upset and wish I wasn't, I don't sleep well then and I get up so early. I appreciate the safe place to express my stupid problems.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

Edited February 5, 2016 by cja

[dreamingoftigers]

I just got off the phone with my H. It wasn't good, why did I even expect it to be? We can't hear each other or see each other, he has his perspective and I mine. They have NO middle ground, though sometimes I do question maybe they do? He says I've treated him "like ****" the last year and not like a human being, I feel I haven't been harsh and though no where near perfect in respectful treatment, I have been kinder than I would've thought I could be (though of course I could have been more so).

 

He didn't sign the paperwork, he doesn't like the terms or something though he stipulated then. He got mad at me for saying, "well change them to anything you are more happy with". Then he went on about his he was being to generous to me, which is why I didn't want to agree to his terms in the first place: I knew they weren't genuine. Now I need to go through all this negotiating again and I'm so tired. Why doesn't he just tell me what he thinks is fair? Why does he keep putting terms in the table that he then feels victimized by? I never even suggested once I take the whole house, so why try to make me feel ****ty for agreeing to the terms HE sent to my lawyer? I'm upset and wish I wasn't, I don't sleep well then and I get up so early. I appreciate the safe place to express my stupid problems.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

Hi cja, did you happen to read my post above?

 

The one about mind[screwing].

 

You just described all three instances: he tried to " charm" you with his terms, and now that you are proceeding he's flipped to rage and self-pity.

 

Those are the three channels.

 

He will follow you like a puppy dog looking for treats and when he doesn't get them, he will bite.

 

Please read that article on chump lady. I really think it will resonate.

 

Plus, he's going to drag this out as a measure of control.

 

I guarantee it. If he can't have you, he will do anything he can to get to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He didn't sign the paperwork, he doesn't like the terms or something though he stipulated then. He got mad at me for saying, "well change them to anything you are more happy with". Then he went on about his he was being to generous to me, which is why I didn't want to agree to his terms in the first place: I knew they weren't genuine. Now I need to go through all this negotiating again and I'm so tired. Why doesn't he just tell me what he thinks is fair? Why does he keep putting terms in the table that he then feels victimized by? I never even suggested once I take the whole house, so why try to make me feel ****ty for agreeing to the terms HE sent to my lawyer? I'm upset and wish I wasn't, I don't sleep well then and I get up so early. I appreciate the safe place to express my stupid problems.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

Why isn't your lawyer dealing with all this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

For God's sake, stop talking to him. You have a lawyer, right?

 

Use him!

 

This shouldn't be anything you're dealing with.

 

But I gotta say it. You KNEW he would do this to you. And now you've verified it.

 

Your whole last post...Abuse 101. Straight out of the Abuser's Handbook.

 

So now you know you will never get anywhere with him.

 

The man who abused you. The man who PEED on you.

 

Please understand he is BAD NEWS. There is NO situation on ANY planet in this solar system where you should be with him.

[RySant]

Part of me wishes I'd omitted that from my posts. I didn't even tell that part to my therapist.

 

This happened long ago and after I was in such shock. I realize now I bought in to my H rationalizations, minimization and justifications for why this wasn't that bad. I was broken and accepted the punishment. But then also he was broken too.

 

If I could delete that part from my thread, I probably would. I'm very embarrassed by it.

 

My gosh, embarassment is not the feeling you should be feeling but RAGE! That's a very, very disrepectful act! Plese divorce. OMg

[RRM321]

I do know I appear ridiculous. If a friend, family member, or even a stranger were to ever relay the story that I have experienced, of course, my advice would easily be to leave.

 

Even my therapist says that I contribute to the issues and that it is never just one person's fault.

 

I'm always walking on eggshells but I still seem to hurt him.

 

my husband says I'm fuc*ing stupid and I wonder if he's right?

 

I got pregnant but he convinced me to abort as he said a child would ruin his life),

 

You are not ridiculous. You simply no longer recognize what normal is due to 10 years of abusive conditioning.

 

If you were stupid it would not occur to you that something is wrong.

If you were truly a couple an abortion would not be about him.

If you are walking on eggshells it is because you are prey.

 

Often the person who is being abused looks like the crazy one simply as a result of the abusive behavior. You live with chaos, adapt to the constantly changing reality, and have someone else's shame repeatedly dumped on you - who wouldn't appear ridiculous under those conditions?

 

You're strong to have been dealing with this for so long. Sensitive people are also strong people. It's time to use that strength to save yourself. All of his put-downs are designed to erode your confidence and contain you. He's knows how smart you are, and he knows that the only way keep you prisoner - is to make you a volunteer.

 

When a therapist tells you both people are equally responsible - it presupposes that both people are healthy. Your partner does not sound at all healthy, I doubt your therapist has even met him, and hence that advice is without true merit.

 

As I read your later posts, I realize you're life is actually in danger. Abuse is like a sunburn - you never see it coming. You need to take this very seriously.

Edited February 5, 2016 by RRM321

[turnera]

Nobody here thinks there's anything wrong with you, ok? The things you put up with are because you've been conditioned through abuse to think it's normal. That's what abuse does to you. But you're out of it now. Right? So now we want you to start accepting that what he did was wrong and get mad about it (not embarrassed) so that any time you feel weak and consider talking to him, you think about the horrid things he's done and GET MAD and say hell NO I would NEVER go back to a man who could do that to me. It's a work in progress. It takes time to clear your head, to see the truth, to understand that you were living a lie. So let us be mad FOR you for now, until you can get there.

[cja]

Hi cja, did you happen to read my post above?

 

The one about mind[screwing].

 

You just described all three instances: he tried to " charm" you with his terms, and now that you are proceeding he's flipped to rage and self-pity.

 

Those are the three channels.

 

He will follow you like a puppy dog looking for treats and when he doesn't get them, he will bite.

 

Please read that article on chump lady. I really think it will resonate.

 

Plus, he's going to drag this out as a measure of control.

 

I guarantee it. If he can't have you, he will do anything he can to get to you.

 

I found and read the article, Yes it does resonate. Thank you. I just wish I was better at identifying when those three channels are at play. Actually that's not true, I wish I could accept what I already know. Strange to see it that way and I'm not sure how to fix it (me).

[cja]

Nobody here thinks there's anything wrong with you, ok? The things you put up with are because you've been conditioned through abuse to think it's normal. That's what abuse does to you. But you're out of it now. Right? So now we want you to start accepting that what he did was wrong and get mad about it (not embarrassed) so that any time you feel weak and consider talking to him, you think about the horrid things he's done and GET MAD and say hell NO I would NEVER go back to a man who could do that to me. It's a work in progress. It takes time to clear your head, to see the truth, to understand that you were living a lie. So let us be mad FOR you for now, until you can get there.

 

I don't get angry often, I gravitate to guilt and shame. If you talked to my H, there would be a different story. He thinks I'm angry a lot and negative all the time. Even last night when we talked he says I bring the conversation down to a baser level. He wants it to be positive and productive and I keep us from that with my constant negativity and blaming.

 

I told him okay and that should be a good reason that we are divorcing. He can grow and become who he wants to be free from my negativity and he won't have to be brought down or blamed anymore. He can find self forgiveness and hopefully so can I one day.

 

I am going to try to not have anymore pointless conversations with my H. I only end up hurt after so they are not wise. He tells me that I am just running away from my problems by not talking and not facing them. I feel like it's a manipulation tactic, not genuine concern for me to grow, yet I doubt my perception.

[GorillaTheater]

I told him okay and that should be a good reason that we are divorcing. He can grow and become who he wants to be free from my negativity and he won't have to be brought down or blamed anymore. He can find self forgiveness and hopefully so can I one day.

 

 

Excellent response.

 

I am going to try to not have anymore pointless conversations with my H. I only end up hurt after so they are not wise.

 

 

Excellent plan.

 

 

You can handle this, CJA.

[66Charger]

The twist is that he is saying that you are running away from your problems

The fact is, you are facing your problem (him) and saying NO.

Why in the world are you doubting this perception?

What you need to learn now, is how to shut stupid crap down.

 

BTW, regarding the question from your last thread wether you can still be freinds, Well he answered that question, wouldn't you say?

 

This, by the way, is the answer to your present dilemma.

 

You cant be freinds. You tried and look where it got you.

 

Now it needs to be strictly business. Shut down your emotions and let your lawyer be as rutheless as possible. Stop second guessing your decisions.

 

He wouldn't take the split house deal? F him, now keep the whole dang thing.

 

Shut this fool down completely. If he wants to war, go a hard NC. Free your lawyer. If what he did gets into divorce court, he is finished. You hold this trump card. Dont be afraid to use it or threaten using it. Trust me, NO WAY HE WANTS ATTEMPTED MURDER PART OF HIS DIVORCE FILE! Think.

 

You tried to be nice. Now just get it done. And stop calling him your H

 

A year from now, you may read these threads and want to slap yourself.

Edited February 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't get angry often, I gravitate to guilt and shame. If you talked to my H, there would be a different story. He thinks I'm angry a lot and negative all the time. Even last night when we talked he says I bring the conversation down to a baser level. He wants it to be positive and productive and I keep us from that with my constant negativity and blaming.

 

I told him okay and that should be a good reason that we are divorcing. He can grow and become who he wants to be free from my negativity and he won't have to be brought down or blamed anymore. He can find self forgiveness and hopefully so can I one day.

 

I am going to try to not have anymore pointless conversations with my H. I only end up hurt after so they are not wise. He tells me that I am just running away from my problems by not talking and not facing them. I feel like it's a manipulation tactic, not genuine concern for me to grow, yet I doubt my perception.

 

I was the same way for a long long time. Sad and kind of wistful about it. Trying to talk reasonably to him etc.

 

Reasoning doesn't work with someone determined to misunderstand you. They twist and turn and take zero responsibility for themselves. Then that heaps the responsibility on you even more to try to find a "pathway to communicate" with them. Then they say stuff like "I heard you. You are just repeating yourself. Blah blah."

 

It was only fluke that I ended up getting angry.

I was lit on Wellbutrin for depression and it made me rage. (I have an old thread on here about it).

 

It was VERY effective for dealing with my husband. The usual "break down and cry" instinct was replaced with "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

 

I didn't stay on it very long though, as I might have actually really freaked on someone.

 

But it was nice to not be treated like crap anymore. And it sort of stuck that I wouldn't put up with it.

 

It's a hard thing to 'learn' to get angry. I'm not sure quite how one would go about doing it.

 

Perhaps have yourself checked for depression even an online test. Because you've been through so much, it wouldn't surprise me at all.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Reasoning doesn't work with someone determined to misunderstand you. They twist and turn and take zero responsibility for themselves. Then that heaps the responsibility on you even more to try to find a "pathway to communicate" with them.

 

Man, I wish I could 'like' this a thousand times.

 

cja, believe me I recognized that line of conversation where according to him you are "negative and blaming" and none of it is on him. It's all on YOU. That is a load of crap. Maybe you are "negative and blaming" because you are trying to talk to him in a rational way like an adult and all he does is get angry, blameshift, and fling garbage at you to tear down your self-worth. Because he needs to do that to control you.

 

Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt that says "It's on me". Mine wasn't a marriage so I know it must be that much harder. Like dreamingoftigers said, get ANGRY. no more guilt and shame. That's on him. Get rid of this "man" now. Don't let him steal another ounce of your self-worth.

[turnera]

The next time someone tells you that you're negative and blaming, your response should be 'well, maybe you ought to learn to stop CAUSING my negativity and blame; then you'd get what you want.'

 

And of course, you then walk away.

[66Charger]

The next time someone tells you that you're negative and blaming, your response should be 'well, maybe you ought to learn to stop CAUSING my negativity and blame; then you'd get what you want.'

 

And of course, you then walk away.

 

Wholeheartedly agree.

[HopeForTomorrow]

The next time someone tells you that you're negative and blaming, your response should be 'well, maybe you ought to learn to stop CAUSING my negativity and blame; then you'd get what you want.'

 

And of course, you then walk away.

 

Exactly. turnera I like your posts; you are wise.

 

cja, when you find someone who doesn't treat you this way - and you will - you will be shocked at what you put up with this relationship. You teach people how to treat you. Never let someone disrespect you. Walk away. Find yourself. The best revenge is to live well - don't waste another day.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[cja]

Thanks all. The weekends are hard for me. During the week I'm too busy with work but on the weekend I have time to think. And my thoughts drift toward second guessing myself and missing my STBXH. I am getting out more, going on walks and spending time with my girlfriends, we had a girls poker night last night and it was great to just enjoy laughing with people who care about me. I really do have wonderful, strong female friendships, and that helps.

 

I'm thinking about joining a book club or philosophy discussion group, and taking a yoga class instead of just doing it at home. But then I wonder if I'm just thinking of doing these things to distract myself and run away from my problems? Thoughts?

 

Also haven't talked to STBXH, though he's called/ texted. I did send a message through my lawyer yesterday and he responded back that he will now sign papers as they are and no changes necessary now. Then he sent me a message about how he will do this with a heavy heart but he hopes it will help me find happiness. I'll see if he actually does sign it next week. Who knows,

[RRM321]

cja, when you find someone who doesn't treat you this way - and you will - you will be shocked at what you put up with this relationship. You teach people how to treat you. Never let someone disrespect you. Walk away. Find yourself. The best revenge is to live well - don't waste another day.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

Here's the thing about the future, when you meet someone new (and you will as has been said) take it really slow because the first one or two people you meet are likely to mate with the very same traits that got you into this prior unhealthy relationship.

 

That's okay - if you stay fully self-aware, conscious, and reflective of your own tendencies and use these opportunities to learn about how you act or react. It takes REAL WORK to pay attention to your own intuition and what your own body is telling you, and then to reflect on how those patterns are working for or against you. But, you will learn and see for the first time those character traits within you that are attracting the wrong people, and you'll also start to recognize the tactics these toxic people use to manipulate you.

 

Your previous experience is a hazard map for your future but, you'll need some time to decode it. Proceed with caution.

Edited February 9, 2016 by RRM321

[cja]

Here's the thing about the future, when you meet someone new (and you will as has been said) take it really slow because the first one or two people you meet are likely to mate with the very same traits that got you into this prior unhealthy relationship.

 

That's okay - if you stay fully self-aware, conscious, and reflective of your own tendencies and use these opportunities to learn about how you act or react. It takes REAL WORK to pay attention to your own intuition and what your own body is telling you, and then to reflect on how those patterns are working for or against you. But, you will learn and see for the first time those character traits within you that are attracting the wrong people, and you'll also start to recognize the tactics these toxic people use to manipulate you.

 

Your previous experience is a hazard map for your future but, you'll need some time to decode it. Proceed with caution.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the insight and I know that it takes time to come to know myself, intuition and acknowledge what my body tells me, there is no worry of me rushing into meeting someone new. I've been separated a year and half now and that idea does not interest me at all. And I get approached all the time now that I do not wear a ring and gossip spread that I was separated. I know my picker is off and I don't know how I could ever trust both another man AND myself again.

 

I honestly feel at least right now that I want no part in a relationship. I want kids one day but I'm 34, so I feel that ship has definitely already sailed for me. I am not too saddened by this though as I have always wanted to adopt and I have strong female friends who have done this successfully. So there's no rush to heal or find someone as I've kind of already taken the kid thing off the back burner.

 

Right now I'm just trying to remain strong and not give way to my emotional swings that leave me questioning my choice to divorce. That's f'ing hard for me and it's really a daily, sometimes hourly battle to not indulge in fantasy thinking things could or would be different this time and that he has changed. That's my struggle.

 

Luckily, I do have a solid network of very strong female friends in my life and I'm leaning on them, as well as this site for support. One friend in particular I've reestablished a friendship with and she's helped me so much. With her I can start to see my own worth and merits again. I sort of lost connection with her as I was married, as well as many other friends. My husband never liked her as she believed he didn't treat me well and I guess I was different around him, more timid and less opinionated, which I'd always been in the past.

 

I know this is not going to be a short recovery and I've got a lot of growing and healing to do. It's hard and I doubt myself A LOT, but I keep trying. Sometimes I beat myself up mentally for being so weak and stupid, but then I realize those thoughts don't help and I was in this relationship for over a decade, so I try to find understanding for myself. The sadness mixed with self loathing is hard though.

Edited February 10, 2016 by cja

[cja]

I don't know why I did this but my H just called and I answered the phone. He was wanting to tell me he put the paperwork in the mail today and got it notarized. I said thank you but then he said there was a tone in my voice and was I angry. I said I didn't feel so right now just sad as he was due to all that has happened over the last year and a half.

 

Then he said he doesn't feel like I am dealing with things well and I need to change. He wants to help. I need to do more vipassana meditation etc like he is doing. and I guess I had another tone when I said okay I'll try to do that. Then he said I guess this is good because then I can move on withot having all this blame. It's utter insanity to think that someone who is not around you right now can cause you any pain. Then I said okay I'm glad you have come to that understanding and then moving forward you won't have to feel such blame and I wish you well. Then he said I don't even want that, I want to help you move forward and not be hurting. I said criticizing me and the fact that I still struggle with how I am trying to move forward, criticizing my tone of voice is unhelpful and perhaps he is really just trying to ease his own pain in wanting mine to be so quickly fixed, where I have no tone, whatever that means. I didn't say anything mean to him.

 

 

I maybe got a little too emotional at this. I don't know why, I guess I just felt no compassion and his primary concern was easing his guilt. I then said this is the best path for both of us as then you won't have to deal with being brought down and feeling so unfairly blamed for things when you aren't even in my presence. Then he said I never even said I felt blamed. WTF?!?

Edited February 10, 2016 by cja

[cja]

Why do I keep doing this?!? Why do I feel so fing guilty for still feeling any pain? For still repeating the things he said to me like a broken record, it's on a loop and he tells me I'm solely to blame for the loop. I guess I am though. He's not here and yet the mind habit continues, now going towards criticism that I can't even move forward right, that I still feel bad about words spoken to me in the past, it's all my fault like he says, I know, he's not here right now so it would be insane to think otherwise, but how do I let go of that broken record about how f'ing stupid, f'ing malicious, f'ing weak and unable to constructively deal with my own problems? I'm just f'ing pathetic, I know.

[turnera]

You're not pathetic. You're brainwashed. But the longer you hide inside your 'I'm pathetic' monikor, the longer and harder it will be to get to a healthy place.

 

STOP TALKING TO HIM.

[66Charger]

No, CJ you are not pathetic. You see, this is what those that manipulate do. They never take responsibility for anything. Its always your fault. You are the bad guy and you should feel bad no matter what the real truth is. Let him shout to the world that you are evil and pathetic

 

Those are his words. That doesnt make them truth.

 

Deep down, you know yourself. This isn't you. This was not how you were before him. And it wont be how you are after him.

 

This horror show must end. What is the point in having any further communication with this guy?

So that he can tell you over and over and over how bad you are? Act like he is the saint and it is all your fault? Really?

Who needs that?

 

Your life marches on. Your Future is yours and he has is just a X.

 

We all have had dark days. I have gone thru some really dark months recently. Made to feel I wasnt worth one day. Waiting for nothing. But you know what? The sun always rises. A new day begins. When you shut out the noise, the lies, the excuses and focus on who you are and what you want and the the life you want to live, , your vision will clear. Your possiblities will become endless. No more waiting. Life continues on.

 

Tomorrow when you wake, go out and watch the sun rise. Have yourself some coffee or tea. Dream about what you would like to accomplish in 5 - 10 years. Now think bigger. How are you going to get there? Where is your pathway? What must you put in place and what obstacles must you remove for this to come to pass?

 

Then wake up!

 

Life is passing you by. Get going already. Stop wasting time on something that is just not going to happen, no matter how much you wished it to be.

 

Its over.

Edited February 10, 2016 by 66Charger