Author cja Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 I have all these crazy thoughts swirling around my head. But one lately that has been coming to the surface more often, and that's sexual interest. I feel so freaking guilty over it as I've just not seen other men in that way for such a long time that I judge the I suppose natural feelings. I don't act on anything, of course and haven't accepted any dates, get to know you etc but not being interested had been so effortless before my decision to proceed with finalizing divorce, and anyway I really felt I'd just be a spinster, with my girlfriends and family. But then out of no where my hormones turn on?!? Wth? And then sometime my mind really goes down a rabbit hole and I start to consider the joy that I experience in the company of the opposite gender, my h for a decade no one now but then there were other men before him, and I don't want to relinquish the desire for sexual intimacy and partnership completely, though I wonder if I'm just a lost cause and should?!? Also I'm not just talking about the physical, sexual aspect of intimacy, as for me I love walking, talking and engaging minds, passions ect and then engaging bodies. I know sex and desire will always cause issues, as desire intrinsically does, but I think there are healthy ways of sharing this desire, lives, and bodies with another person. I mean I obviously haven't lived that example but I still believe, perhaps naively, that a healthy form of romantic love, as long as it is also mixed with agape love exists. Whenever this notion arises though, I feel guilt rush over me as I'd thought my husband and I realized that kind of partnership. Still I believe in romantic, committed love. Even in my marriage, though there was a lot of toxic stuff and bad stuff, I think there was a lot of real stuff, for me at least, and even when a part of me wants to hate my h, I can't. There's nothing for the hate to hold onto as just the thought of him in pain makes me sad. I don't want him to be unhappy or to not experience a full life, there's just a sad part of me that mourns because I thought that part of that full life included growing and traveling together. But it didn't and I was tying to fit round head into a square hole and that got us no where. I wandered a lot in this post. Anyway I guess I'm just all over the place, feeling naive, confused, Guilty and crazy for even allowing myself to feel. In just over two weeks I'll be officially divorced. Even though it's been a year and a half since separation, so it's not sudden, the imminent ending brings a strange feeling. And this mixed with all the other strange emotions and thoughts swirling around my head, well, keep me waking up in the middle of the night. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 That sounds like healing to me. it is exactly what should be happening at this time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Are you working on this in therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 I'm trying to work through this in therapy, meditation, yoga, this forum, and talked with close family but I don't know it seems that the more I progress, the more ***** I uncover (like the realization that my husbands abuse was purposeful and he knew exactly what he was doing, or that he saw me as less than human, etc), the harder it gets and I hate to admit this but sometimes I have this desire to email him, tell him what I know now etc. but that desire stems from loss and fear: loss of the relationship and a fear that maybe I'm still wrong and unfair to my h, that he was right, if I'd haven given him another chance he would've proved he'd changed and fear that he was right on the other side and I was the problem all along and other men will treat me the same, because I'm just (and here's where I repeat his words with his voice and that contemptful, almost angrily happy way he told me I was a *****ty partner and a *****ty wife. I know all this is fear and grief based but I still have internalized many of the things he told me and I am not sure how to unshackle those self imposed chains. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 That's the big secret about therapy - IT SUCKS! It's hard, it keeps peeling back more and more layers, every single thing that happens to you as a kid adds to who you become as an adult. There's a book you might like - it explains a lot about why we are who we are, from a medical perspective. It's called Emotional Alchemy, and it's really powerful stuff. An it shows a way out of all the drama, by working to re-wire your brain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Honestly the really hard stuff and realizations don't come from therapy: they come from my time on the matt (meditation mostly, but yoga also). Also from books, I will definitely check out the one you recommend: if anyone needs some brain re-wiring, it's me. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 cja, I mean this in the kindest of ways....each time you are working thru these issues, a new strength is gained. I do hope it does change you...for how can it not? We are meant to change when life throws us these hard ships. I absolutely do not wish abuse on anyone....yet everyone that has gone thru it...did change...and usually its because they gained some wisdom and knowledge to take forth in life. I'm sincerely sorry that you had such things happen...in time...in life...I think you will be a positive support for the next person that has a tale similar to yours...Take time to replenish yourself...you deserve to have those stepping stones..of Hey! I did it...I made it thru this... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 How are you holding up sister. One more day and a wake up 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 (edited) Hi LS Community, I have been meaning to get around to updating but since my divorce I've just been so happy and busy that I haven't gotten around to actually doing it. But I do owe a huge debt to this community being here as an outlet when I really, REALLY freaking needed it. :-) Everyone who told me that I would look back and want to slap my former self senseless was dead on. I do very much want to do that!! I also want to give her a hug too and tell her that she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, no one does. I really and honestly thought I did, the only thing I can say is if anyone reads my story and it personally resonates because you are with someone similar to my ex-husband, take heart, step back and realize there really is something to traumatic bonding and stockholm syndrome. Studying these things and also things like Pavlov's experiment where the dog still would react as if there was a shock when none would be delivered because it had been conditioned to believe consequences would happen, well these things really helped me to understand my very, very irrational feelings and to move beyond them. Anyway I'm doing very well now :-) My divorce went as scheduled on March 24th. After I got a lawyer and went only through him, my ex cooperated. Actually at the dissolution hearing when I had to finally see him again, I felt nothing but a bit of pity for him. He must be very broken to do the things he did, so I did feel pity but nothing else other than utter and complete bewilderment that I stayed with him so long. After the divorce, I splurged on myself and took two of my closest female teacher friends to Mexico for our Spring Break. We had the best time! And since then it's just been nothing but happiness to realize my value and worth. So thanks and Happy Summer, everyone! :-) Edited June 22, 2016 by cja 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 I am SO happy for you! You deserve it! I hope you'll continue to post now and then to help others in your old situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Love2015 Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I don't know if I ever see that happening. I do know I appear ridiculous. If a friend, family member, or even a stranger were to ever relay the story that I have experienced, of course, my advice would easily be to leave. However, I do always truly believe that there are two sides to every story and perhaps I inadvertantly contributed to his straying and to his current name calling etc. Even my therapist says that I contribute to the issues and that it is never just one person's fault. I try my best to be sensitive to his needs and to not hurt his self-esteem but sometimes I do anyway even when I am not trying to. When I talk about his affair and how it hurts me it makes him very uncomfortable and angry and he becomes extremely defensive, even when I am trying my very, very best not to be blaming. I can't seem to do it in a way that is effective. I'm always walking on eggshells but I still seem to hurt him. I know I have a good job, and outwardly everything in my life would seem like I could just move on and be fine. But I truly blame myself too, my husband says I'm fuc*ing stupid and I wonder if he's right? I have a master's degree, a great job, traveled the world over for my work, have lots of friends and people who amazingly look up to me, a loving family, am only 34 (no kids as my husband and I got pregnant but he convinced me to abort as he said a child would ruin his life), I'm told I'm pretty, I know I'm healthy outwardly and yoga fit and thin though I feel as ugly as my husband makes me feel, I feel ridicuous even typing all this even under anonymity but I've been with my husband so long that I feel that I have to have contributed to this somehow. I just don't know how to be better and fix things? I tried my best and honestly when he had the affair I thought things were better than they had ever been in our ten year history. My heart goes out to you as my heart has experienced something similar like u. I married last year after 7 years ...(4 living) and 7 months after discovered he was seeing a girl who even came to the wedding 3 months after marriage. WHAT AN A**** I discovered, he got up left to live with her! Many days not giving an explanation and when he did ..he says I was emotionally abusive, controlling and never respecting him. I wanted to save marriage. got into Counselling for myself and asked him to work it out (all while he still lives with her!) He insisted I am abusive while he called me names ...and character deframed me to everyone who know us! From saying sexual nasty stuff to I don't know how to cook ...to I had to change! While still seeing her! I went into a deep depression. Like really bad and I am there into depression. I forced myself to file for a divorce (after he insisted that there is no way he would be with me!) but then he stalled....and started playing mind games. Still does! Divorce has gone through and we have a property to sell. I have been after him but his emails are about how abusive I was! Just like you ..I know I was not perfect so I think I have a hand in all...but mind u that does not mean that it will work out when one party has checked off..or in ur case is a LIAR and MANIPULATIVE B** Sorry...but if he wants to work it out....he will quit his nonesense and get help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 or in ur case is a LIAR and MANIPULATIVE B** Sorry...but if he wants to work it out....he will quit his nonesense and get help. Not sure how they'll "work it out", the OP's divorce was final in March ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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