Having a hard time going through with divorce and filing papers

[sandylee1]

CJA

 

You've made the right decision. Isn't it amazing how he's gone into wanting you and the marriage... now that you want divorce. His initial responses were full of control, but that's not a suprise. Human decency should tell him the name calling is out of order.

 

You should be thankful you don't have kids with him and that you're financially independent - you don't need spousal support from him... so it can be a clean break.

 

You've done well to get yourself out and remain calm. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you. Just hold on to the strength you've found and always know that a decent man wouldn't do the things he's done to you.

 

Take care

[Krashi]

I purchased my first home when I was 18 years old. I figured charging rent to other students meant I gained equity & lived rent free!! At 20 years old I was in the trade press for my accomplishments. I was raised by a happily married couple. My Dad taught me to be self-sufficient & prioritized female independence all my life.

 

I chose to push my H to accept a job offer in the USA. I believed I was so strong that his happiness was worth sacrifices. I could manage any situation. My H is referred to as the most gentle, funny, kind, loving man by many. He's always suffered from depression but it was always self-deprecating....until it wasn't!

 

I was completely isolated when he had his first A. The affair was NOTHING compared to others. He's a Nice guy. He's Mr gentle, Mr Moral, Mr Wonderful. He can't be wrong. Guilt & embarrassment turn him into a MONSTER!! I realized that I was an abused woman too late. HONESTLY, I would be considered "Least likely to be abused!". Truly!! I was a career ball-buster! This is anonymous. People who really know me would NEVER believe my life story.

 

Let's be completely honest. I'm one of those women who couldn't start to comprehend why a woman would allow herself to be abused. REALLY! It's not the dark ages!! Just leave! we both know it's so much more complicated than that. You don't go from being 'You' to being weak & abused. It's slow. You make excuses, justifications. The world tells you that you're complicit in all this crap. Even this forum often states that people in 'Good Marriages' don't do these things! Bollocks!!!

 

Psychologically it's fascinating! I've learnt that it can happen, given the perfect storm, any person can become abused. I KNOW!!! I honestly didn't think that ANYONE could weaken me. I'm a woman to be reckoned with!! But little by little you change. Little by little it happens. One day you're in a store with your H & a complete stranger hands you a abused woman's rescue societies card....you throw it away because you're not THAT woman...but you are!

 

My H is the kindest, most gentle man. Everyone says that & he is....except when he's not! I remember who I was & I'm much better at giving advise than I am at taking it.

 

There are people who truly believe that this could NEVER happen to them. They're wrong!! Don't be ashamed. Don't make excuses. Just plan to do something about it!!! Don't fall into the trap of over analyzing it. There has to be a line. There MUST be. Your H has crossed it. Plan your escape. Don't think about him & feel sorry for him. Just have a plan....

 

I agree. It is insidious and outsiders do not see it. It can be relentless after a while and wears you down.

There are,IMO, just as many men dealing with abusive spouses. Studies show that even physical abuse is, roughly equally divided between genders ( yet, for some strange reason, of the roughly 1700 shelters in the US , 1 acceprs make victims, according to Erin Prinzy(sp?).

In any case, it is very tough on a person and hard to make the decision to get out.

[NewLeaf512]

Also specifically about that remote starter? I never asked him for one but I feel guilty both rejecting or accepting it. It makes me uncomfortable. Also he says he'll need my car for two days so we would have to switch cars and I believe the interactions would involve him trying to convince me that we are good together.

 

This may be one of the most heart felt posts I ever write, I hope you find some meaning in it.

 

Is there life on the other side? My answer: yes, no, maybe, hopefully

 

I was engaged to (3- ish years) & married to (12 years including 2.5 years separation) an impossibly handsome man who was also very complex and complicated as well as borderline secretive which I (and most others believed was intense privatism).

 

This was completely contrary to what was required in his chosen career, but being young and not having had any marriage/family/adult romantic relationship that was positive or even having my parents in the same room that I can remember as well as being raised by staff did not give me any tools to question that, nor anything that came after.

 

When I got married I had 3 objectives: create a family with my husband, make my husband the happiest I could, be the best wife and partner that I could to ensure the outcome of a happy stable family life for all of us & would be the first time I'd experience that since I was born.

 

In hindsight there are many events, behaviours and incidents that should have clued me up that something was dreadfully wrong with him, but in each instance the message I told MYSELF was "NL try harder, be a better wife, do more, you can make this fantastic" I know now that of my 3 objectives the only one I had sole control over was "be the best wife and partner you can be". All those years that I believed I was failing in reality I was the best I could be.

 

After an emotionally exhausting nearly 9 years (8 and some months of marriage) during which I:

 

- earned 90% and sometimes 100% of the income with the exception of year 7 and 8 where he earned 30% more than I ( and also spent more than he earned on instruments, drugs, travel, clothes, a maybach and probably women)

 

- bought the family home

 

- worked like a maniac to earn a tremendous amount of money to support us in a style that was important to him and use as a foundation to his career

 

- studied for the bars in America and sat them in several states in addition to being called to the bar in my home country

 

- took a global role requiring extensive travel to get bonuses at my husbands suggestion

 

- kept myself physically fit and as attractive as possible

 

- managed to send him a postcard or letter each and every day of every business trip excluding travel days for years

 

- managed all the household errands by myself or with the help of a cleaner one day a week so that it wouldn't disturb his creative process even though he was in the house every day and I arrived home usually 11pm of a Friday and left on a Sunday night or Monday morning

 

- planned and paid for amazing holidays which I believed we both enjoyed

 

- tried for 2 years to get pregnant and had a still born son (which although he was working in a city a 90 minute drive away he was absent for. What he got instead was a fee for his work of £450)

 

- endured silent treatment, secrecy, undermining behaviour, his failed rehab(s), the fact that he had such a high tolerance it was often impossible to tell if he was high or not, odd sexual practices (more were discovered later) groupies, and bizarre abusive behaviour such as locking me out on a balcony and watching me through glass sliding doors for 6 hours because "it was playful and fun to watch"

 

And so much more but I will cut to the chase. In year 8 ish he wanted to talk to me and advised me that I wasn't living up to his sexual expectations for a wife (I had never said no, initiated, been enthusiastic) and I had 2 choices: open marriage or divorce (conveniently already drawn up), because I was 32 didn't want to ever be divorced, thought it was my fault, too ashamed to tell anyone, and didn't know better, I tearfully agreed to open marriage with the agreements of no one we know, not in the house, don't get anyone pregnant. Within 3 months after picking me up from the airport after a gruelling work trip, in the car on the way home, bizarrely snowing like hell, I asked him "how was your week baby, what's news?" H: it was good. I'm going to be a father.

 

At the next traffic signal in the snow, I opened the car door, got out, and walked the few miles back to the house. I immediately put him out (which required the Old Bill as he wouldn't leave at first) he moved in with her, I cried in a state of complete shock and in the next few weeks filed for D which has a substantial waiting period in my country. After his child was born H must have discovered that he would have to earn a steady income and that living in a rented accommodation with his child and a woman whilst quite beautiful had never worked a day in her life and was on benefits somehow didn't compare to the privileged, stable life he had before and wanted to R. There was no way.

 

So, no in the beginning months of the separation soon to be divorce I felt horrible and worthless and a fool and like it was all my fault.

 

Yes = after 6 months I felt lighter. Making my own decisions, not having to get permission to do anything nor face constant disapproval. I could open the refrigerator and take something out to eat without stepping on the scale that was placed in front of it and having him weigh me. (Scale was binned)

 

The begging for R became intense but I carried on with the D. I decided to move house and so, after the date came to sign the D. I spent most of the festive period alone that year by choice. I was nearly free! A significant holiday was approaching and I decided to have a celebration "girls weekend" for the holiday but also as a kick off to my new life. We had a little dinner party and all went to sleep with the intention of a spa and other details. I planned champagne and breakfast for the morning. We all got up and dressed and headed downstairs to make our way to the kitchen when the basement door flew open and flashes of light, smoke and a sound like bombs going off began. I saw my H but I had no idea what was happening, and I felt a huge shove as I was pushed through the door to the integral garage and down the stairs. I was confused and could hear the same thing and I went crazy with anger and thought F&&£g H has a flare gun and is trying to scare me to death. So instead of running away, I went back up into the house. Only, it wasn't a flare gun. It was a real gun. He wasn't trying to scare me. He came there to kill me and himself. Unaware the house was full of people, and never having fired a gun before to anyone's knowledge, he shot a friend from behind who was blonde and my size, and then kept shooting. It felt like years and it all happened in a very small space. He faced me toe to toe and said I thought to give you 5 minutes of pain and me a lifetime of happiness but I'd rather have q minutes pain and ruin the rest of your life. He shot himself with a .44 in the head in front of my face and I still have bits of his teeth embedded in my face they can't get out but which work themselves out from time to time.

 

No= insane, abusive, manipulative spouses can hurt you, kill you, and in other ways ruin your life.

 

The fallout and ongoing lifetime effects of this are for another thread.

 

Maybe= after years of therapy I know it wasn't my fault and I know I can be and have been an amazing partner

 

Hopefully = there is a person out there who will be able to love me and is strong enough to handle that catastrophic disaster

 

Please under NO CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE HIM YOUR CAR or let him into your home.

 

I hope there is some message for you in my story.

 

NL

[Methodical]

It doesn't seem appropriate to "like" your post because the events you describe are horrific. What you have seen and lived through are traumatic experiences. This is one of the most heart felt, soul searching, thought provoking posts I have ever read.

 

It is a testament showing that you were determined to not allow the past to dictate your future. You put one foot in front of the other and continued to propel yourself forward and I'm sure some days the steps taken were minute baby steps. Perhaps some days you didn't move forward, but you stayed upright and didn't take ten steps backward. Your feet were/are firmly planted in the ground. Even plants with strong roots need to be nurtured, fed and watered in order to flourish. You have blossomed into a magnificent, precious work of art.

 

There are many lessons to be gained by thoroughly reading and digesting your post. Thanks for sharing something so personal that demonstrates the future is a new beginning and the choices we make shape the outcome.

 

You are a gem!

[sandylee1]

NL,

 

 

 

 

I agree, she should not let him use her car..... you don't know what the hell he is planning to do.

 

 

I am so sorry for the horror you faced.... what a abusive marriage. I'm absolutely gobsmacked.

 

 

CJA .... make an excuse so he doesn't take your car.

[NewLeaf512]

NL,

 

 

 

 

I agree, she should not let him use her car..... you don't know what the hell he is planning to do.

 

 

I am so sorry for the horror you faced.... what a abusive marriage. I'm absolutely gobsmacked.

 

 

CJA .... make an excuse so he doesn't take your car.

 

Thank you for commenting. It's impossible to know what to say I know. I still can't believe it, it's something that happens on the news to "other people". People with problems. The stereotype is that the people it happens to are drunk, crazy pikeys (hillbillies) in compromised lives. Not university educated high earners who can quote Shakespeare. It never goes away. It never feels real. It is always surreal. There were 3 survivors including me. I always had faith but now I know it for sure, the person who saved my life by shoving me into the basement got shot 3 times in the head by my H whist trying to get away to the front door. I saw him do it, twice in the face and once in the back of the head when she fell face down. I thought she was dead. She made it after 10 hours of initial surgery 9 puts of blood which crosses matched her blood type, 3 weeks in a coma, about 40 more surgery hours since, horribly disfigured with total facial paralysis because both sides of the facial nerves were exposed so long they dies and she has to used her fingers to open and shut her eyes every 2 minutes she's awake because she can't even blink. That's just the start. I've renovated the new house I bought to have the flat within my house created to have her and the nurse here as soon as I bought it. Thankfully she doesn't remember anything from thinking oh my G-d he has a gun to waking up 3 weeks later with a trach, a feeding tube and her eyes permanently open. She was on ventilation for a long time. When she first woke up she was so scared she used her finger to write in the palm of my hand over and over "is he dead?" And she would drift off again, wake up and do the same thing 50x a day for weeks. Anyway, she sacrificed everything to help me and I'll make sure she HS everything always no matter what it takes to get it.

 

Abuse and violence need to be dealt with immediately with no hesitation. It's completely black and white. I wish I had known what I was dealing with, or had someone tell me or help me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish many times a day that it had been me and not my friend who I love, but I don't have a time machine and wishing won't change it.

 

So OP if you got my message, if it resonates with you at all, please don't ever, ever be in this persons presence again

[cja]

I was unsure if I should even post to this thread. I have a very neurotic side (my shadow) that can be singleminded in obsession and, therefore, both verocious and pointless in analysis. Anyway, I feel like sometimes things go a bit astray and maybe toward either embellishment or I don't know pretentious or deliberately contentious, generally not in particular to my thread. However, beyond my discomfort, I find genuine care, advice, struggle and value from so many of the posts here, I read and follow them obsessively. There are many, MANY people in this online community that I have already learned so much from, so I return.

 

"To think too much is a disease, a real and actual disease." Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from underground

 

As per an update on my situation, everything has surprised me. My husband is doing I think real introspection, in counseling and going to spend Christmas at a ten day vipassana meditation course. We have both completed a ten day sit in the past and though they are difficult, they force personal growth.

 

I'm going west again to visit my family over Christmas, and this time he seems happy for me, not resentful. He wants me to go and enjoy spending time with my sisters and all my nieces and nephews. That is a shift. Also he is no longer pressuring me to recommit to him and, well, at least right now says that he needs to work on himself and that his treatment of me was all about him and I should not accept tearing me down because of his own insecurity, it clearly only feeds my own. He says he will accept divorce though he doesn't want that but wants me to find peace. I want him to find peace and happiness too.

 

Anyway I am still moving toward the path of divorce because I feel that we just are not really compatible. But it can be so hard for me to really continue. I don't want to, if my husband could see his shadow self for what it is, work through it and heal, I would want to recommit and connect, but I move forward anyway. I can't believe in a mirage that exists only in contrast to the cyclic reality I've participated in for over ten years. Anyway, thanks for any support or advice.

Edited December 14, 2015 by cja

[sandylee1]

CJA

 

I was thinking about you and hoping all was well after he wanted to borrow your car. Please remain vigilant at all times and I agree that proceeding with the divorce is the right thing.

 

At least he finally acknowledges he was wrong.

[dreamingoftigers]

I told my husband I want a divorce. I'm in a bit of shock I think. Dreamingoftigers I have ordered the book. I am having a hard time with guilt. I really feel, like in my chest a pain, that I should want to try harder to work on our relationship, but trying over the last almost a year now has just brought me pain. And I have tried. My husband seriously guilted me over "giving up so quickly". But that's not true. Then he kept saying he won't accept it, that we are divorcing. And that I've used him. But I've been very honest about being on the fence and not recommitted the whole time. I think he might be angry. He kept acting like my choice to proceed with a divorce was unfair and cruel, and I didn't even really want to have that conversation tonight but he kept asking if I would recommit to working on our relationship and I just couldn't. I've tried my best and I'm worse off and more hurt now than a year ago when he originally left. It's so scary though.

 

I'm glad this thread is still going.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are moving on from him. Clearly with his reaction, you would simply experience more of the same from him down the road.

 

Now he is going to assail your character and not accept true fault possibly forever.

 

Another possibility is that when the divorce sets in as a reality, he may go over the top to nice you back and show that he changed.

 

However, he shows you everyday, when tenderness is required, that he wishes not to take actual responsibility. His expectations are completely ridiculous, like you should try extra hard extra long just for his very presence. Being "hurt or angry" is enough justification to treat you like garbage. But in his eyes, you have no right whatsoever to even feel your obvious pain or escape his ridiculous behaviour that you have NO OBLIGATION to stay for AT ALL.

 

Jeepers. My six year-old has it figured out better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you merrmeade, SL, dreamingoftigers, velvette, 66charger, oldshirt, sandylee, and everyone on my thread. Really, truly I'm actually breathing just a little easier and though I'm terrified a bit still, I'm finally allowing a small sigh of relief and a bit of hope to shine through. Merrmeade, thank you so much for the post on the insidious, slow crawl of abuse and the complexity of the real stories behind every life that has been touched by it. I see such courage and vulnerability in your posts, it's thankfully contagious.

 

I am trying to move forward with the divorce process and taking sandylee advice on framing it as we are just not compatible so there's not a huge fight or anger. My husband is in desperation mode I think. He went from blaming me that I was using him but unwilling to give anything at all, to anger that I was giving up so quickly without trying, to now I was right and he promises to change and will never ever allow name calling or f yous again... Etc. I've told him that's wonderful and I hope he can adhere to that as we go through the divorce process. I hope we can be nice and friendly. I think he was hurt by this and he keeps saying he doesn't want a d and he'll prove himself etc.

 

Any advice as I navigate this process?

 

Ugh. Seriously.

 

"Now that I know you mean it, I'll stop calling you names."

 

Yeah, that solves everything.

[dreamingoftigers]

Also specifically about that remote starter? I never asked him for one but I feel guilty both rejecting or accepting it. It makes me uncomfortable. Also he says he'll need my car for two days so we would have to switch cars and I believe the interactions would involve him trying to convince me that we are good together.

 

What possible reason would he have for "needing to borrow your car" and not respecting your want to be away from him?

 

It's not like you could have borrowed his car when he was off with OW post-text message.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was unsure if I should even post to this thread. I have a very neurotic side (my shadow) that can be singleminded in obsession and, therefore, both verocious and pointless in analysis. Anyway, I feel like sometimes things go a bit astray and maybe toward either embellishment or I don't know pretentious or deliberately contentious, generally not in particular to my thread. However, beyond my discomfort, I find genuine care, advice, struggle and value from so many of the posts here, I read and follow them obsessively. There are many, MANY people in this online community that I have already learned so much from, so I return.

 

"To think too much is a disease, a real and actual disease." Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from underground

 

As per an update on my situation, everything has surprised me. My husband is doing I think real introspection, in counseling and going to spend Christmas at a ten day vipassana meditation course. We have both completed a ten day sit in the past and though they are difficult, they force personal growth.

 

I'm going west again to visit my family over Christmas, and this time he seems happy for me, not resentful. He wants me to go and enjoy spending time with my sisters and all my nieces and nephews. That is a shift. Also he is no longer pressuring me to recommit to him and, well, at least right now says that he needs to work on himself and that his treatment of me was all about him and I should not accept tearing me down because of his own insecurity, it clearly only feeds my own. He says he will accept divorce though he doesn't want that but wants me to find peace. I want him to find peace and happiness too.

 

Anyway I am still moving toward the path of divorce because I feel that we just are not really compatible. But it can be so hard for me to really continue. I don't want to, if my husband could see his shadow self for what it is, work through it and heal, I would want to recommit and connect, but I move forward anyway. I can't believe in a mirage that exists only in contrast to the cyclic reality I've participated in for over ten years. Anyway, thanks for any support or advice.

 

Please make sure you take a LONG time apart from him.

 

Anyone can polish themselves up for 90-120 days.

 

Please take notes of the dates etc.

 

Often when we are open to reconciliation, we don't notice the actual time they have been "better" because we get lost in the emotion of feeling like they have "returned more to what it was like in the beginning."

 

With my husband he was somewhat annoyed that my responses weren't quicker, but when I point-blank pointed out the dates and let him know it was ridiculous to expect a full turnaround by that time.

 

He's been a lot slower without expectation or forced results.

[cja]

Please make sure you take a LONG time apart from him.

 

Anyone can polish themselves up for 90-120 days.

 

Please take notes of the dates etc.

 

Often when we are open to reconciliation, we don't notice the actual time they have been "better" because we get lost in the emotion of feeling like they have "returned more to what it was like in the beginning."

 

With my husband he was somewhat annoyed that my responses weren't quicker, but when I point-blank pointed out the dates and let him know it was ridiculous to expect a full turnaround by that time.

 

He's been a lot slower without expectation or forced results.

 

Thank you. I'm wrestling with feelings that I haven't tried or given enough, spiraling in guilt and your responses help so very much.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you. I'm wrestling with feelings that I haven't tried or given enough, spiraling in guilt and your responses help so very much.

 

Ugh. That's a demon for sure.

 

I had the same issue.

 

But truthfully, you've probably tried harder/given more than 99% of the population. Literally.

 

However, that places it all on you. And that's not okay.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh. That's a demon for sure.

 

I had the same issue.

 

But truthfully, you've probably tried harder/given more than 99% of the population. Literally.

 

However, that places it all on you. And that's not okay.

 

By the way, I find that the number one thing that abuse victims mention the most is guilt over "giving up" etc or shame, wondering about what they possibly could have done to trigger such a highly-emotional response from their abuser.

 

Seems we view relationships as give and take and grounds for fairness. We assume the same things about our partners.

 

There's another thread where a young woman had to get an order of protection against the father of her child. He had been a nasty piece of work to her and then aggressively attacked her in front of the child after he was born.

 

He currently mentions things in front of the child like "I wish your Mom would let me take you both home and us be a family etc."

 

It induces tremendous upset for the mother. The father did not treat the mother as an actual girlfriend when they were hanging out before. Yet she struggled intensely with removing the father from her and her child's life. Even though he was completely unstable and currently has to be medicated.

 

Some dynamics are not workable and that doesn't mean that you haven't done "enough" to compensate for what the other person fails to give.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you. I'm wrestling with feelings that I haven't tried or given enough, spiraling in guilt and your responses help so very much.

 

By the way. You don't need to feel "guilt" over going back to him either.

 

Honestly you don't owe anyone else anything regarding your relationship.

 

All of us can weigh in with our opinions, but only you know what the current state of things are and only you have to live with the consequences.

[66Charger]

The current state of affairs and the past state of affairs can switch in a heartbeat.

 

And I hope we do "guilt" you into not staying with a man who threatened to set you on fire

[cja]

I follow all the threads, OCD tendencies. Katielees, and her general backstory, has me well conflicted and stuck. You see the thing I didn't say was that I cheated first, not in marriage, but a druken ONS during our first year of long distance dating. We were on again off again lovers for about four years before we got married and I did confess ONS before we even got engaged. But the fact remains I stepped out first, at least as far as I know. He did have a dating thing on hot or not and I found emails he sent to women looking for men on Craigslist and they were only local women (he said that he was always just on there for fun). Looking back I was not a mature enough person to be in a serious relationship, and really I should not have gotten married. I did a lot of hard work to face my demons and have I think come along way, at least from where I started.

 

But here's my sticking point, does the fact that I cheated first mean that I just have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of my actions? That is why I didn't mention the gasoline incident initially . That incident happened about a year and a half after I confessed. And honestly it's worse than I casually pretend . He peed on me before going outback to get the gasoline can. I remember always thinking that's how disgusting I am, smelling of urine and gasoline. I know this makes things different.

Edited December 19, 2015 by cja
Spelling

[66Charger]

No CJ, it does not. When someone repeatedly causes you harm and threatens your very existence, its time to go. Some men could never harm a woman. Its not in our dna. And some men can. These kind, you must leave. If this still bothers you, then you should focus on forgiving yourself.

 

Your revelation doesnt change your reality. A twist of fate and you may not have existed anymore. Your life is worth more than love.

Edited December 21, 2015 by 66Charger

[cja]

Thank you. I do carry around a lot of shame and a change in focus to self-forgiveness could only do me good. I just find it so hard.

 

I have to meet with my H for the first time since telling him on phone I wanted a divorce. I haven't filed and we have to talk about selling our home. I'm having some anxiety, temporary paralysis in taking definitive action etc.

[66Charger]

I was wondering why a exceptional woman like yourself stayed with this guy. You felt you owed him something. Well you dont owe him your life.

 

This is not something you can take lightly. No matter what the good times were like or what he says, He is capable of doing you harm. Urinating on you and then dousing you with gasoline is a dastardly evil act.

 

This man belongs in prison, not next to you discussing reconcilliations or house selling. You need to understand your true reality and see exactly who this animal is.

 

You have worked realy hard to be where you are. Your education took a lot of drive and focus. May I suggest you treat the ending of this marriage as the termination of a business partnership, nothing more. This requires focus, and rutheless determination. Put your feelings aside for now. I know its easy to say, but it must be done.

 

Grind it out. Get it done. Say what you need to say. Lie if necessary, but divorce this guy. He is a bad one.

Edited December 21, 2015 by 66Charger

[waterwoman]

Good luck cja. Can people be happy the other side? Yes. But it doesn't have to be with the same partner xx

[NewLeaf512]

Cja I usually don't agree with Charger but I do here. Do whatever it takes to divorce this excuse for a human being ASAP with no delay or backward glance.

 

I wish I had someone tell me this about my H before it was too late.

[cja]

Thank you to those kind enough to reply and follow my thread. I'm on winter break, so suddenly too much time on my hands to second guess and over analyze.

 

I've followed katielees thread in particular. She does get a lot of, "what did you expect? there are consequences to your actions", etc. that is EXACTLY what my husband said the day after the peeing on me in disgust and pouring gasoline on me after literally calling me every synonym for wh()re that he could think of for hours. This punishment went on periodically for years, and it was his ultimate trump card. Though he did eventually move away from the sl-t shaming to more snotty bit$h, fuc$ing stupid, little brat ect after a few years. Like I said my druken ONS happened in our first year of dating, so it's been nine years since and I did confess to it before we became serious.

 

At the time I understood the anger, name calling ect and accepted it. When I confessed I really thought that was it and told him that my shi$$y behavior warrants turning away and never looking back. But he didn't. Eventually he said he forgave and trusted me again. But the punishment actually only escalated after we got married. I tried my best to be open to him, I got rid of all male friends and all my accounts were always open and loving wife to him. I have been absolutely faithful to him since my shi!ty stepping out and fixed myself so I don't put myself in risky situations (ie I drank too much in my early 20's and that contributed as I actually don't even remember my ONS, I know that's sad and pathetic. My husband even said that at least when he cheated he was conscious for it). When he didn't like something I was wearing, I changed. I have never dressed in a reveling way but I'm tall, blonde and thin, so I get unwelcome attention sometimes.

 

When I saw him yesterday he actually made a comment about how he realized what an idiot he was for pushing me away by saying he noticed the guys at the restaurant we went to "checking me out." He didn't get angry or blame me for it either, which is a shift. We talked about the divorce and he said he understands and knows he needs to change. He wondered if we could date after the divorce?

 

I still love him so I said we could as long as he was nice throughout the dissolution process and selling our home etc. He built these beautiful raised beds in our backyard to fill his time while I haven't been seeing him these last few weeks. I love to garden and he knows this. One of the things I love about him is how good with his hands and how practical he can be. I'm the opposite, a bookworm.

 

I bought our home but he did all the renovations, gutted it and turned into honestly the home I would picture as perfect for me, small and cozy, I hate big homes, but careful attention to every detail down to the big living room picture window, redone hard wood floors and even the trim. That house, I don't know, it's a dream that is so hard for me to let go of.

[oldshirt]

He had a right to leave you and walk away when you cheated.

 

He did not however have a right to abuse and mistreat you or call you names or mistreat you.

 

Your mistake was to tolerate abuse and mistreatment due to your sense of guilt.