rocket Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 I was with my Ex for 4 years. It was very serious. We lived together for a year. She went to school 800 miles away but would fly out to see me every few weeks and every holiday and all. In that time she got pretty close with my family and everyone. I was waiting for her to graduate in a few more months to propose to her. Then out of nowhere I found out that she has been cheating on me with a classmate back in school for the past few months. So I broke up with her. It’s been 6 months since I broke it off and since then she has been calling and crying hysterically every day begging for forgiveness, and claiming she made the biggest mistake of her life, and that she would do anything to get me back. When I found out she broke off all contact with the guy she was cheating on me with. I loved the girl very much, she had a big part of my heart and it broke my heart to go through that. she has since been trying everything, calling non stop, crying, saying she cant go on living without me, etc. she has called my sister and friends to tell them how much she needs me back. While we were together things were great between us and I adored her in every way. Now I still can’t deny love for her, but I also have a lot of anger and resent for what she did. She claimed she was confused and lonely after her grandfather died, and I was 800 miles away and things just happened. I don’t care much for excuses but I do miss her. Also aside form me has only been with one other guy and that was a one time thing and she says maybe deep down she wanted to know what its like to be with someone else. It’s been 6 months and I am as confused and dazed by the whole thing as I was the first week. Any ideas? Should I give her a second chance? Will I be able to trust her again? Will the anger go away? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 You'll have to find out one thing: is her behavior driven because she wants you back, or because she needs you back? If she wants to be back, then she'll be able to work on making the necessary changes to get her heart back on track with you. If her behavior is driven by need: ie - she is coming to you out of fear of loneliness (which it sounds like it is), then the chances are higher that she is going to wander again once you take her back. Ask her honestly: does she want you, or does she need you? Is she willing to change for herself, or just for you (you'll want to know that when a person changes themselves SOLELY for another person's benefit, they almost always revert back.) She will need to rethink a few things: she says she 'can't go on without you'. You want her to be at the point where she can go on without you: but CHOOSES to be with you. She needs to find her footing, and bring some strength into this relationship - otherwise she'll be a huge drain on it. Has she been through any counseling, or gotten any help for this? I know a breakup like this can be devastating, and when guilt is heaped on depression: people can do desperate things - including making promises they can't keep. Would you be more comfortable if your girlfriend came to you out of choice and not fear and desperation? Maybe you could suggest that she see someone to get some help figuring out if she can really make some changes in her life. Six months is enough time to be sorry, but was it enough time for her to stop being 'sorry' and actually take action to see that it doesn't happen again? It may help to take some time away from her contact for a while until you both get some clarity. Ask her to stop contacting you and your family and instead consider getting some help. No contact whatsoever. During that time, she is to have some unbiased, uninterrupted time to really think about her motivations, and whether or not she can keep promises to you. The 'no contact' time will help to clear your head as well. Give it as much time as you think - no less than a month, probably no more than three (unless you decide to break it off entirely, and after three months of 'no contact' it probably will turn into a permanent break.) Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by rocket When I found out she broke off all contact with the guy she was cheating on me with. The question is... would she still be cheating on you with this guy if she hadn't gotten caught? Sorry to say this, but for most cheaters the answer would be "yes". While we were together things were great between us and I adored her in every way. She got to have her cake and eat it too, and you were unknowingly made the fool. Now I still can’t deny love for her, but I also have a lot of anger and resent for what she did. GOOD! Channel the anger. Anger can be a healing emotion in circumstances such as this. She claimed she was confused and lonely after her grandfather died, and I was 800 miles away and things just happened. Cheating doesn't "just happen". It's not like she accidentally and repeatedly fell into bed with this guy. When my grandparents died, I didn't cheat on my husband...and he was overseas in the Navy at the time. Should I give her a second chance? No. Will I be able to trust her again? The real question is... Does she DESERVE to be trusted again? Probably not. Will the anger go away? Eventually it will subside, and then you will know that you are ready to move on and find someone who deserves your love and fidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Don't take her back. The fact she cheated on you for MONTHS suggest that it wasn't a mistake and she is just sorry now because you found out. Why put yourself through wondering if she is still cheating? Find someone who really wants to be with you and is faithful. Peace... Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 AMEN to that MarshBear! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rocket Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 As for depression I know she was very depressed for the first few months after the breakup, and is just now coming around a little. I also should have mentioned the relationship was over this long distance over 3 years of it. and the cheating happened at the last few months. To this day she calls every day to tell me how much she still loves me and wants to be with me again and wants to spend her life with me and me alone and that it was a huge mistake that she made and would never forgive herself for nor repeat. I just get more confused by all this. How does a person who love me so much and I am not questioning that she did, but how could she have betrayed me then? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Because she thought she would get away with it, and you would never find out. Because she has your feelings in a different place in her heart than she does the feelings for OM. Because you were 'out of sight', 'out of heart'. ... and so much more, I expect. She was not strong enough to maintain commitment and monogamy in a LDR. Very few are, particularly when they are young in in college. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rocket Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 so is there any reason or circumstance under which I should give a second chance? she is graduating school and wants to move here and is begging me to give her another chance and forgive her, she swears this is not somethign that would ever happen again, and its the biggest mistake of her life and youth and that she wants nothing more but to live the rest of her life with me Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by rocket so is there any reason or circumstance under which I should give a second chance? she is graduating school and wants to move here and is begging me to give her another chance and forgive her, she swears this is not somethign that would ever happen again, and its the biggest mistake of her life and youth and that she wants nothing more but to live the rest of her life with me IF you believe she's sincere AND you believe she has regret and is really sorry for her actions THEN I guess it now becomes a matter of what YOU can live with... You can choose to not accept her apology or words and let her go... OR You can choose to accept her at her word, watch her actions and give her another chance. Best of Luck with what you decide Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Once a cheater, always a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Once a cheater, always a cheater. Only if they choose to be. This girl will have to make a conscious choice: choose to make the necessary changes and adjustments to herself that will allow for a committed, monogamous relationship - or choose not to make any changes and put off the inevitable: that she will cheat again. People can change, but it has to be for the right reasons or it won't 'stick'. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Only if they choose to be. This girl will have to make a conscious choice: choose to make the necessary changes and adjustments to herself that will allow for a committed, monogamous relationship - or choose not to make any changes and put off the inevitable: that she will cheat again. People can change, but it has to be for the right reasons or it won't 'stick'. Word Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by rocket Then out of nowhere I found out that she has been cheating on me with a classmate back in school for the past few months. What was her excuse? The best indication of future behavior is, of course, PRIOR behavior. If she cheated once, there's a good possibility she could cheat again. Was she just lonely? What caused her to cave in and cheat, that's what I'd like to know. So I broke up with her. It’s been 6 months since I broke it off and since then she has been calling and crying hysterically every day begging for forgiveness, and claiming she made the biggest mistake of her life, and that she would do anything to get me back. So she's apologized profusely? What about her has changed? Six months is enough time to reflect and make positive changes in one's life. My question to you is, do you really want her back? When I found out she broke off all contact with the guy she was cheating on me with. I loved the girl very much, she had a big part of my heart and it broke my heart to go through that. she has since been trying everything, calling non stop, crying, saying she cant go on living without me, etc. she has called my sister and friends to tell them how much she needs me back. Talk to her and find out what has changed about her that might convince you she learned her lesson. But only if you want her back. While we were together things were great between us and I adored her in every way. Now I still can’t deny love for her, but I also have a lot of anger and resent for what she did. She claimed she was confused and lonely after her grandfather died, and I was 800 miles away and things just happened. What, her Granddad died so she has to go have sex with someone else? I have some choice questions for her.... I don’t care much for excuses but I do miss her. Her excuses are WEAK! Also aside form me has only been with one other guy and that was a one time thing and she says maybe deep down she wanted to know what its like to be with someone else. Another weak excuse. It’s been 6 months and I am as confused and dazed by the whole thing as I was the first week. Any ideas? Should I give her a second chance? Will I be able to trust her again? Will the anger go away? As I said, past behavior is usually a good indicator of future behavior. If she cheated once, she could possibly cheat again. The question is, can YOU live with that? Can you learn to trust her again? God says we must forgive and I believe you should forgive her, but I don't necessarily agree you need to take her back or forget about it. It's hard to, but you weren't married. It's easier to cheat when you're dating than when you are married. She didn't break any marriage vows. She did lose her morals and allowed herself to be swept away by someone else. Hard to do when you love someone. If you want to get back with her, first you need to be assured she will never repeat her behavior. Then you must draw a line of respect. If she ever crosses it again, you need to leave her for good. Also, I wouldn't just jump right back into the relationship. Start slow as friends. That will give you plenty of time to evaluate her while keeping her at arms length. If you aren't totally convinced she would never repeat her behavior and you can forgive her, then you can walk away without too much invested. You're in a tricky situation. Most will tell you to run but I can empathize because I've been there as well. I took my ex back and I probably should not have so I can't tell you do what I did. You have to have a heart to heart with yourself and ask what is best for YOU, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 I'm going to play devil's advocate here. You say that it was an LDR for three of its last four years. You know that she cheated for several months at the end of those four years, and that it wasn't just a ONS after a night of drinking. You also know that she only stopped because she got caught. Are you sure that this was the first time she's cheated? A parallel point: you say that she broke off contact with that guy. When did she allegedly do that? How did you find out she'd broken off contact -- because SHE told you? Did she keep seeing the guy after you broke it off with her? Or did she immediately go NC with him? I ask because, if she kept seeing him for a bit, that's a clear indication that she sees you as her backup plan, her "safety guy" for when she gets bored with her f*ckbuddy. Personally, I wouldn't waste any more time with her. She made a conscious decision to betray your trust, and if you hadn't found out, she would probably still be doing so. I know you loved her, but if you stay with her, or marry her, you'll never have anything better than "a relationship in which my SO at one point cared so little about me that she betrayed my trust and put my health at risk." I've been where you are, and I definitely wouldn't want that. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Only if they choose to be. This girl will have to make a conscious choice: choose to make the necessary changes and adjustments to herself that will allow for a committed, monogamous relationship - or choose not to make any changes and put off the inevitable: that she will cheat again. People can change, but it has to be for the right reasons or it won't 'stick'. Amen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rocket Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 i know she broke contact cause she did it in front of me when i confronted her about it. of her own free will she also immediately changed her # and all email addresses and all. I also believe that there was nothing else prior. Through everything she was honest and admited to everything she did do, even when it was not in her best interest. Her reasons for doing it was that she was loneyly being in a long distance relationship for 3 years, and only seeing me avery 6 weeks to 2 months, we always had a lot of phone contact though, like several times a day. I guess maybe if im on this forum then i guess i am just looking for justification for wanting to make things right again. but i am also a very hard headed person, and cant easily get over this. As for being #2 i doubt that, as no one including her family knew abou this even though she lives at home, her family knew she was in a relationship with me alone. another excuse she gave me was that she was about to graduate school, and i was a bit indirect and not specific in inviting her to move up her to live with me post graduation and she was also nervous about that. Link to post Share on other sites
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