If I know it is the right thing to do, then why am I such a wreck?

[causality]

Hi LS-community,

 

I came here looking for some support and maybe some insight from people who have been through this.

 

I separated from my husband in October. We've been having issues for a long time. Often, when I lay in bed right next to him, I felt like the most lonely person on the planet. For a long time I felt like he doesn't love me, he just loves having someone. There were some actions on his part that were extremely hurtful to me and I've been thinking about leaving for about two years now.

 

So, I finally made myself tell him I can't go on anymore. At first, I was relieved that it was finally "out". He was very upset at first, but accepted the fact rather quickly. I on the other hand, I am a wreck. I'm breaking out in tears over every little thing, I'm having trouble sleeping, I lost about 10 pounds, I can't stand myself, I feel ugly and unlikable.

 

We're still living in the same house, but he left over the holidays. I didn't miss him as a person, but it's been tearing me apart nevetheless, I don't even really know why. He is very angry at me right now (I had to call him for something and knew by his voice) and it hurts me so much that he will not talk to me beyond necessary exchange of information. Tomorrow I'm moving out and I'm not sure how to manage. I don't want to stay here, I don't want to move out either ... I wish I could just disappear for a while and take a break from everything.

 

I thought I was prepared to take this step, why do I feel like this? Any advice?

 

Thank you all in advance!!

 

Causality

[whichwayisup]

It's grieving a life, a marriage that you didn't expect to end. Didn't expect to be on your own and start over. it's scary and hard, so it's okay to feel sad, upset and cry about it all. I believe you did the right thing for yourself, in time it will get easier.

 

Keep your heart open and allow your friends and family to help and support you, don't isolate yourself or feel regret. Staying with someone out of obligation, fear of being alone or just for companionship isn't "healthy love" and it certainly did damage to you making you feel insecure and unloved, unneeded.

[oldshirt]

What are these "issues"? Why are you separating?

[causality]

It's grieving a life, a marriage that you didn't expect to end. Didn't expect to be on your own and start over. it's scary and hard, so it's okay to feel sad, upset and cry about it all. I believe you did the right thing for yourself, in time it will get easier.

 

Keep your heart open and allow your friends and family to help and support you, don't isolate yourself or feel regret. Staying with someone out of obligation, fear of being alone or just for companionship isn't "healthy love" and it certainly did damage to you making you feel insecure and unloved, unneeded.

Thank you. Yes, it is grieving, I just didn't expect it, I thought I was ready for this and that I would be excited to start my own life again. Now it is the opposite.

What are these "issues"? Why are you separating?

 

Where to begin?

 

For me, the real issues started three years ago. The background: I'm originally not from the US (where I currently live) and I gave up a very good job for him. Landed in the US with a foreign degree that wasn't recognized and a foreign accent in the midst of the financial crisis, couldn't find a decent job, was a houswife for a while (not born for that), got bored, started going to a community college. So far so good, everything was going well. I was doing most of the housework and taking classes that were super easy to me, didn't take much of my time.

 

About three years ago, I entered a program for mechanical engineering, classes got harder, life got busier, I didn't have as much time anymore. I really liked the challenge, I met people at the university, I got into the honors program, I was thriving, I liked it. He didn't. I felt like he was just annoyed by me being busy, he wasn't happy for me, he wasn't supporting me. That hurt. I had given up everything because of his job and I had always supported him. But in return it was apparently too much to ask to order a pizza every now and then rather than cook a fancy meal every night (which I had done when I had nothing else to do).

 

From there it went further downhill, he was often gone because of his job, I focused on school. We started living our separate lives more or less. Despite promising to change, he continued to be annoyed and shut me off whenever I wanted to tell him about my day. If I didn't tell him about my day, he complained we don't talk. My day was of course about school - that is what I do all day, every day. It's my job at the moment. If my life is so annoying, then I don't know what to talk about.

 

Another blow for me was when I was checked for cancer (turned out negative - thank god). He was gone again for work, our phone conversations weren't exactly intense and romantic at the time, more like short cross-checking how things were going because of my resentments.

I told him about my appointment with the doctor, I was terrified. He didn't say a word about it, NOTHING. When I asked whether he had heard me, he said yes. He didn't call for a week. When he did, he didn't ask about my appointment. He didn't apologize until I threatened to leave him.

 

There were a few more things along those lines, but those two were the worst for me. I feel like he does not want a wife, he wants a puppy dog. I felt treated like a robot - expected to function as ordered.

 

I grew very resentful and told him so too. He did try to fix things by writing me cards, getting flowers and making breakfast and being lovey dovey in general. That was nice but I was never the girl that needed flowers and such (flowers are always nice of course). What I really wanted in life was someone that would have my back, that I could count on when I need someone. He continued to prove that I better not count on him for emotional support.

 

Basically, I feel like I've been alone for quite some time now. And if I am to be alone, than I want to be alone on my own terms at least.

 

I thought I've made the right decision and I've thought this through. Why do I feel so awful now? Why can't I stand by my decision and pull through this?

[causality]

I should probably add that losing my financial independence was a big issue for me. I hated not making my own money and was always looking for jobs. However, I did not really want to get a job for minimum wage after my very well salaried job that I left - that might have been a bit arrogant of me at the time, but it is the truth.

He was fine with me not working (I think he loved it), I got bored. We had both agreed that I would get a degree so I could find a GOOD job in the US and use the time until my English was proficient enough with something useful on my resume. The main reason why I chose engineering was because I wanted to of course, but also I wanted to be able to pull my weight in the relationship again and make a meaningful contribution to our income rather than just pocket money. My husband has a tough job that he won't be able to do forever, I thought if I become an engineer, I can take off pressure of him to find a second career that will generate a similar income.

[causality]

I have one more semester to go to finish the degree and I am just plain exhausted from all this. I had always taken loads just below the allowed max amount of credits in order to finish quickly and get back into the workforce. Now the separation and all the emotional turmoil that comes with it. I'm also working part time as a teaching assistant at the university. I don't know how to make it through the next semester to be honest. I wish I could find the remote to my life and fast forward six months. I can't reduce the load either because I need my job in order to pay for groceries and I need to take another full load in order to finish my degree so I can get out of here.

[oldshirt]

It doesn't sound like there has been any abuse, adultery, chemical abuse, abandonment etc etc. Have you ever heard of the 5 "love languages"?

 

 

I think you two have different love languages. That means you each have different means of giving and receiving love. He may think he is showing his love and showing that you are important to him by him getting you gifts and being "lovey dovey" but in reality those things don't really mean that much to you.

 

 

You feel that you are showing love and commitment buy furthering your education so that you can have a higher income and better support the home and family financially but he is fine providing for the home and family with his income and he likes having you home and he is fine with you not being out looking for jobs and going to school all the time.

 

 

You feel that he doesn't love you because he doesn't support your ambition for a high paying professional career, but you having a high paying professional career isn't important to him because he likes having you at home.

 

 

So it's not that you two actually don't love each other or want to be together, it's that you each have different ways of showing and acknowledging love.

 

 

Perhaps part of your confusion and conflicting feelings about splitting up are that a part of you feels that you do love each other and want to be together but that you are each having trouble expressing it and you each are having trouble seeing that the other does care but you sense it deep down.

 

 

this is what marriage counseling is for. MC is for people to learn how to express and communicate their feelings, wants and objectives better and to help them understand the feelings, wants and objectives of the other person better.

 

 

As there has been no bad behavior such as abuse, adultery, addiction, abandonment etc, I think MC is worth a try.

 

 

now that all doesn't mean that you are necessarily meant to be together or that MC will fix everything and you'll live happily ever after. Perhaps you two are to incompatible to make it work, but if you give MC a good honest try, then you'll at least know that you gave it your best shot and did what you could to try to work together.

[ProdigalMe]

I'm exactly like your husband. My wife complained that she felt lonely in the marriage. She felt like we were disconnected and living separate lives.

 

What finally got my attention, what finally committed me to change was legal separation paperwork getting filed. Unfortunately for me it was too late. I only mention this because spurring change from your husband can happen. But it will take remarkable patience and probably a leap of faith on your part to accept that real change will come.

 

You're in a difficult spot because for so long certain of your needs have gone unmet. You want your husband to respect and admire your educational and career goals (self esteem). And you want to feel emotionally connected to your husband (connectedness). And you want him to recognize and accept that you yearn to take control of the direction of your life (autonomy). Counseling could do you both some good. A counselor can lay out very clearly for your husband what you need and what he needs to do. I know you want to leave. But I usually encourage people to stay and try. Whatever you decide I wish you happiness and peace in the new year

Edited January 7, 2016 by ProdigalMe

[Mr. Lucky]

The background: I'm originally not from the US (where I currently live) and I gave up a very good job for him.

 

How did you meet and how long did you date before marriage?

 

What made you fall in love with him in the first place?

 

Mr. Lucky

[causality]

How did you meet and how long did you date before marriage?

 

What made you fall in love with him in the first place?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We originally met online at first (not exactly a dating website and I'm not a mail order bride or something like that), but then started dating the old-fashioned way. We were together for a year and a half before we got married.

 

What made me fall in love with him? Difficult question right now.

 

He has a lot of traits that I admire. He is very self-disciplined, focused, he was down to earth (he has changed since then), which I really like. My dream guy is a lumberjack-type personality. I think there was also an element of being attracted to something foreign on both our sides. It was just exciting at the time to be with someone who speaks a different language, we were young.

 

I'm exactly like your husband. My wife complained that she felt lonely in the marriage. She felt like we were disconnected and living separate lives.

 

What finally got my attention, what finally committed me to change was legal separation paperwork getting filed. Unfortunately for me it was too late. I only mention this because spurring change from your husband can happen. But it will take remarkable patience and probably a leap of faith on your part to accept that real change will come.

 

You're in a difficult spot because for so long certain of your needs have gone unmet. You want your husband to respect and admire your educational and career goals (self esteem). And you want to feel emotionally connected to your husband (connectedness). And you want him to recognize and accept that you yearn to take control of the direction of your life (autonomy). Counseling could do you both some good. A counselor can lay out very clearly for your husband what you need and what he needs to do. I know you want to leave. But I usually encourage people to stay and try. Whatever you decide I wish you happiness and peace in the new year

 

I've tried to get him to go to counseling. He went once, but did not want to go again. I'm still meeting with the therapist (she also does single sessions) just for myself. He said it wouldn't be worth to patch it back together for a few years, he didn't think we could actually solve our issues for the long haul.

 

It doesn't sound like there has been any abuse, adultery, chemical abuse, abandonment etc etc. Have you ever heard of the 5 "love languages"?

 

I felt abandoned quite alright very often. When my husband doesn't even think about inquiring about my health when I'm being checked for cancer, I felt very abandoned there.

But apart from that, you are right.

 

I know of the 5 love languages, we've actually went to a marriage seminar through his work once and did the test. Our results came out quite similar. For me it was "acts of service" and "physical touch", for him "physical touch" and "quality time".

 

I understand that maybe he was fine with me being a stay-at-home wife, but he was not fine with sharing his income with me. I did not have access to his bank accounts for quite some time, which was humiliating to me. I knew he had made bad experiences with women and money before, so I tried to be understanding and not push the issue, but it was not a good experience going from having a good income to feeling like I'm a child with a daddy again. I guess that is why I figured I should do something that will get me as close as possible to having a job guarantee no matter where we end up in the world (he has to move a lot), mechanical engineering seemed like a good choice to accomplish that.

Edited January 8, 2016 by causality

[causality]

Thank you all for your contributions.

 

I've went back to the house again today to get some more of my stuff. He knew I was going there, I had texted him a few days back.

 

I was looking for a particular item my grandmother gave me and went into the master suite (which has been his domain since we separated, but I still had some of my things in there). Didn't find my grandmothers gift, but found a ladies razor next to the bath tub, definitely not mine.

I also saw that there were new pillows on the bed and a bulk underneath the blanket on "my" side of the bed. So, against better knowledge, I went to check and found some naughty costume for women there. Needless to say, not mine either.

 

I'm not even all that surprised, I've felt for along time like he doesn't really love me as a person, he just doesn't want to be alone. That doesn't make it any less painful to find out I was right apparently. It hurts, it freaking hurts.

I understand we've been separated since October, but we are still married, haven't even filed for divorce and this is still our house, mine as much as his. He had said before that he won't be looking to start anyting with anyone else soon ... I guess that was empty talk. I did say to him what he does with his body is technically none of my business anymore, but I don't ever want to hear about anything, that he should be discrete about whatever he does.

Leaving female items laying around more or less "in the open" in OUR house is not what I would call discrete, what do you think?

 

Of course I've had these occasional silly thoughts of "I'm going to find myself a lover, I'm free now" ... just because it seemed kind of like a fun distracting thought ... but the reality is that I could not take off my clothes in front of "some guy" and have sex with him. I just couldn't yet.

 

I guess he has no issues with that ... good for him.

 

How do I make this pain stop?

It is pretty clear that this relationship is not worth holding on to ... why can't I let go?

[causality]

I can't believe I just did this, but I went onto our online phone bill ... it wasn't difficult at all to single out a number in his usage details.

I don't even know why I went to check, it is not like I want to call her ... I don't ever want to see her or talk to her. Considering there is still a "beware of wife" sign in the garage, I'm pretty sure she knows his current status and doesn't need any warning. I don't even really think I want him back. As a matter of fact, when I went and talked to the therapist today before I found all that stuff, I had about 98% reached the conclusion that I wouldn't even want to reconcile because I feel like I need someone more compatible with me.

 

Nevertheless, I'm acting like a dumb teenager and cling to all this ... I must enjoy torturing myself on some subconscious level.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH, this is ridiculous. Can someone give me some light taps on the back of the head? Maybe it will help jump start my brain ...

[66Charger]

To be honest, neither is in the wrong here. Your background and your wishes and desires were not what he wanted. That doesnt make you wrong nor him right. You just didn't fit as a couple. At this time you should wish him well and find someone who wishes to grow with you and you can fly together.

 

He wants a housewife. You are a engineer. Be who you are. Grieve your marriage, but not your decision and take your leave.

[sandylee1]

Casualty

 

One point I very much agree with you on is the financial independence. I hated being on maternity leave with no money. It was humiliating to have to ask my husband for money..as we operate individual bank accounts.

 

A woman needs to make her own cash IMO. Men having the money often causes them to be controlling with it.

 

Did the phone calls go back before October or after that?

 

I don't see you both being compatible and as there are no kids involved.... You can have a clean break and get on with your lives.

 

Out of courtesy he should not bring his women back to your marital home.

[MJJean]

Thank you all for your contributions.

 

I've went back to the house again today to get some more of my stuff. He knew I was going there, I had texted him a few days back.

 

I was looking for a particular item my grandmother gave me and went into the master suite (which has been his domain since we separated, but I still had some of my things in there). Didn't find my grandmothers gift, but found a ladies razor next to the bath tub, definitely not mine.

I also saw that there were new pillows on the bed and a bulk underneath the blanket on "my" side of the bed. So, against better knowledge, I went to check and found some naughty costume for women there. Needless to say, not mine either.

 

I'm not even all that surprised, I've felt for along time like he doesn't really love me as a person, he just doesn't want to be alone. That doesn't make it any less painful to find out I was right apparently. It hurts, it freaking hurts.

I understand we've been separated since October, but we are still married, haven't even filed for divorce and this is still our house, mine as much as his. He had said before that he won't be looking to start anyting with anyone else soon ... I guess that was empty talk. I did say to him what he does with his body is technically none of my business anymore, but I don't ever want to hear about anything, that he should be discrete about whatever he does.

Leaving female items laying around more or less "in the open" in OUR house is not what I would call discrete, what do you think?

 

Of course I've had these occasional silly thoughts of "I'm going to find myself a lover, I'm free now" ... just because it seemed kind of like a fun distracting thought ... but the reality is that I could not take off my clothes in front of "some guy" and have sex with him. I just couldn't yet.

 

I guess he has no issues with that ... good for him.

 

How do I make this pain stop?

It is pretty clear that this relationship is not worth holding on to ... why can't I let go?

 

If he believed the separation was in preparation for the divorce, why wouldn't he date? You even said that what he does with his body is none of your business.

 

Most men separate sex from emotion in a way most women do not. Frankly, he could feel nothing for you and have sex with this mystery woman or he could be heartbroken over you and have sex with this mystery woman.

 

If he believes the marriage cannot be saved, that there is going to be a divorce whether he likes it or not, and he is also the kind of guy who can't be alone, it's logical he'd find someone relatively quickly.

 

Since you moved out, he's not being indiscreet for letting his lady friend leave her lingerie and razor in the master bedroom of the home he lives in alone.

 

I can't believe I just did this, but I went onto our online phone bill ... it wasn't difficult at all to single out a number in his usage details.

I don't even know why I went to check, it is not like I want to call her ... I don't ever want to see her or talk to her. Considering there is still a "beware of wife" sign in the garage, I'm pretty sure she knows his current status and doesn't need any warning. I don't even really think I want him back. As a matter of fact, when I went and talked to the therapist today before I found all that stuff, I had about 98% reached the conclusion that I wouldn't even want to reconcile because I feel like I need someone more compatible with me.

 

Nevertheless, I'm acting like a dumb teenager and cling to all this ... I must enjoy torturing myself on some subconscious level.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH, this is ridiculous. Can someone give me some light taps on the back of the head? Maybe it will help jump start my brain ...

 

You left and are certain you don't want him back because you aren't compatible. You're freaking out because you're grieving the marriage and it's painful to discover he has moved on with another woman. Fair enough. It's probably some kind of mate guarding instinct or something. Another woman has been in your territory and has been intimate with your mate. So, you instinctively snarl and growl and have feelings about it. Your biological programming hasn't caught up with your reality, that's all.