Sondering Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 That's somewhat rhetorical...there is A LOT wrong with me! Anywho...some back story. Long time lurker. Spent many a sleepless night reading and reading...and reading these threads. Feel like I could have written many myself. H and I, married 6 years. A horrible situation landed him in prison, although our marriage was suffering before. (H cheated numerous times, alcoholic, etc. I know this does not excuse my behavior and choices) Two beautiful children. Entered into A just shy of a year ago. OM wanted what he is missing in his marriage (passion, fun, sex but genuine "feelings", not just a one night stand or F buddy.) We meet every other week for a quick lunch, once a month for an overnight rendezvous, email daily or every other day. We keep our family lives very seperate. I am so very, VERY cautious about not doing anything to cause a D day for him. He has made it VERY clear many times that he will not leave his M, for his child. That he can't give me "more", should I want it and I agree. We had a momentary breakdown months ago where I went into flight mode. My feelings for him got too strong. I told him this and that I thought it was inappropriate and I should end it. He told me my feelings were OK and he wouldn't want this if I didnt really like him. We had a hotel night last week and I *almost* slipped and said the holy mother of all words...LOVE...I LOVE YOU?! How can I love this man?! Lately he seems to forget everything I tell him, he switches gears before we depart from hanging out so quick it makes my head spin... The short answer is I'm addicted to him, what he gives me and the brain chemicals involved. When we spend the night together I get that "hit" and I'm flying. I can ride that high for a couple days and then I start to crash. Soon I'm just crawling back, wanting to see him again because I NEED it. It's a sad place. the feelings that come from it make me feel more lonely than actually being alone. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. To vent this out, maybe. Not looking for sympathy, of course. I know what I **need** to do for myself but the road there is seemingly impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 These relationships are truly roller coasters -- very high highs, and very low lows. Like most addictions, you're probably going to have to gradually move away from this until you can get away from it completely. Are you divorced from your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sondering Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 bathtub-row, you're very right. In the process of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 It seems like your fairly realistic about things for the most part. The one thing where your off is that its love. It isn't love on either side, yours or his. As long as you are in this you have to understand he said be wanted sex and passion. You wanted thr same and likely to fill a void. Those chemicals you describe that give you that high feeling, they feel the same as love. If you can at least start by sorting that, you have the hope of looking at it more plainly... You can think he needed something fulfilled and I needed something fulfilled too...now its getting too deep and before I get hurt, carry it too far, want more than he can give, or mistake it as love, I need to get out and just go through the withdrawal. Affairs have an ending, every one that starts out as Im never leaving my wife, will have an eventual end. And its already making you spin, which will make him spin and he will want out too. He's got a child and wife which are responsibilities. He can't handle more than just fun, happy, carefree, and unattached. And he doesn't need nor want love. He wants to get OFF. And then for survival and not to get caught he needs to box you away to resume his real responsibilities so he needs detachment and for you to stay in that box until its your time again. It isnt love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) bathtub-row, you're very right. In the process of divorce. Good. I don't think you need to be married to a guy like that. As far as your affair is concerned, I can only tell you from my experience that, while I miss the really good times with xMM, I don't miss that extraordinary pain AT ALL. I now ask myself what kind of craziness went through my head being in a relationship like that. It went against everything I believed in, everything I wanted. Funnily enough, I hardly remember the good stuff now. The pain became so much that it took front and center. I'm glad I'm out of it and I hope you'll work toward being that way, too, one day soon. When all is said and done, I can honestly say that it was not worth what it took from me. Edited January 4, 2016 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 You will have many moments of sadness as long as you remain in the A. He just wants the escape of sex and passion with you.. NO more. He's aware you have deeper feelings.. but is letting it carry on regardless...... so that his needs continue to get met. You can find love and passion elsewhere.. but you won't as long as you stayin the A. I don't know his child's age. .. or if he would consider leaving at some point.. but it doesn't sound like it. Makes me think his marriage isn't all bad as he'd want the passion with you instead... or he is being realistic and knows that passion doesn't necessarily last forever. You both get the best of each other right now. No kids to deal with.. no financial matters.. family.. inlaws.. domestic chores etc.. You're deep in the affair fantasy land.. it's like being on the love boat. You want more and he isn't giving more....there's really only one answer here..but you know that yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sondering Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Thank you all for your responses. To be clear I don't want "more" with him. Him to leave his M, everyday life, finances etc. Aside from what he's lacking in his marriage, he and his W get along, they have a beautiful home, many luxuries, he has an incredible career. I would never want to mess any of that up for him or expect him to give it up for me. Although im obviously taking that chance continuing with the A. Maybe subconsciously I just WANT him to LOVE me...even if it's not true or its derived from fantasy A world... Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Thank you all for your responses. To be clear I don't want "more" with him. Him to leave his M, everyday life, finances etc. Aside from what he's lacking in his marriage, he and his W get along, they have a beautiful home, many luxuries, he has an incredible career. I would never want to mess any of that up for him or expect him to give it up for me. Although im obviously taking that chance continuing with the A. Maybe subconsciously I just WANT him to LOVE me...even if it's not true or its derived from fantasy A world... I think your blocking real life love by being submerged in fairytale love. What is the value of his love even If he were to truly feel it for you, If it has to be shared, and can never be yours. The longterm damage once this ends will be powerful. I know the addiction is already powerful enough. Even if you cant see your way out of it this second I hope you will begin to try and begin to see how much you have changed already and how much it hurts each day to love someone you cant be with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I agree it's a total addiction. although we have claimed our love for each other... Looking back it seems to have been pure lust and fantasy of what I/we can't have. I agree the brain chemicals had fogged the true reality of the person I thought I knew. I believe it just takes time to see the light 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I agree it's a total addiction. although we have claimed our love for each other... Looking back it seems to have been pure lust and fantasy of what I/we can't have. I agree the brain chemicals had fogged the true reality of the person I thought I knew. I believe it just takes time to see the light I agree with oceans - for some people it really, truly does just take time. You can read all the forums you want but you can't turn off those brain chemical-induced highs. Fortunately they tend not to last, at least not at the same intensity. And you'll accumulate more and more "I never want to feel like that again" moments. The only comforting thought I can offer is that it DOES change; it has to. You will not be "stuck" in this forever. I had moments of despair when I thought, "how will this ever end?" but now I can see that it will. With heartache, tears, and misery for a while, but it will end nonetheless. Best of luck to you, and good for you for divorcing a man with such baggage who wasn't right for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sondering Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 I agree it's a total addiction. although we have claimed our love for each other... Looking back it seems to have been pure lust and fantasy of what I/we can't have. I agree the brain chemicals had fogged the true reality of the person I thought I knew. I believe it just takes time to see the light Absolutely! I am getting to that "light" , I think. Lately I've had several "Well no wonder his wife is how she is" moments...It's painful but the honeymoon feeling seems to be wearing off. Something I told him would happen but his response is about the "success stories". People who have affairs for years and its all rainbows and unicorn farts...He's way too optimistic sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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