Married women/GF going clubbing...is it wrong?

[BettyDraper]

I don't think it is wrong for a married person to occasionally go clubbing.

 

Clubbing every week is unacceptable though.

 

This goes for men and women alike.

[hippychick3]

I don't see anything wrong with it on an occasional girls night out.

 

I absolutely love dancing and have a few friends who love it too. My boyfriend hates dancing and hates the club scene, but he has never minded when I've gone with my friends. Why? Because he trusts me and he should. I don't go to pick up men or be hit on and am not looking for attention. I go because I genuinely like to let loose with loud music, drinking, and dancing with friends.

[JustGettingBy]

If she's giving a heads up its probably innocent and worth the benefit of the doubt. If she does it behind the guy's back, and he finds out later then there's reason to be suspicious.

[MissBee]

I've never been clubbing with friends my hubby has never met. But he thoroughly endorses me getting out with my best friend every now and then for night of drinks and/or dance.

 

I'm not married, but in my relationships me going out with friends has never posed a problem, but more importantly my friends tend to be people my SO has met or at least knows about. I can't imagine being married and having friends my SO hasn't met. I think that's a bigger problem.

 

As I get older clubbing is less of a thing for me and as my friends get coupled many activities usually include folks' SOs. But if on occasion I was invited to a club with just friends or if my SO couldn't go, I can't imagine it being a problem.

 

What is acceptable and unacceptable (I hate wrong or right for this) is up to the couple. You decide what works for you and so long as you're transparent and communicate then that's what matters.

[MissBee]

It better not from a person that wants open relationships. Most people are not like you in that regard.

GNO in clubs drinking is how many affairs started. It is called taking the first step on the slippery slope.

 

False.

 

Statistically, most affairs start at the work place or among people who know each other in an everyday setting. They are not random people you meet at a loud, dark, noisy club. Affairs usually happen among coworkers who see each other everyday, family friends, some person that is known to the other in an everyday type of setting where they cross boundaries overtime. So while one is thinking that their SO is going to have an affair with Random Man X in dark club, it is more likely that your SO, if they are going to cheat, will cheat with Mike who works at the desk beside them, their boss who they go on business trips with, your friend who comes over all the time, an old flame they've been chatting it up with on FB, the person who coaches your kid's soccer team, the neighbor who they're in a running club with or things like that. Not just complete random stranger.

 

If you don't believe...read the hundreds of pages of the Other Woman Forum and the Infidelity forum here where hundreds of people have discussed their real life affairs and how they got there. Almost none of these stories are about a married or taken person going to a nightclub and then sleeping with a stranger. They almost always start innocently in some innocuous setting like work, an old flame, their neighbor etc. I can also speak for myself and many women when I say, I've never had a one night stand or slept with a guy I just met at a club, EVER. This is as a single woman. So if I'm married or in a relationship why would I start then? Most women don't cheat on their perfectly good husband for strange peen in a club....believe me...most cheat for emotional reasons and sex as well and who they end up cheating with tends to be someone they have built up some other kind of relationship with before in a normal context. If you're really concerned about being cheated on, you should focus more on these everyday interactions, which are the MOST common affair scenarios, than this less likely scenario of club cheating. Don't get me wrong, people can have a one night stand and sleep with someone they met at the club and sure, I'm sure some married person has, but this is not the most common affair scenario (as you have stated).

Edited January 6, 2016 by MissBee

[Woggle]

I have tended bar in a few clubs and both men and women have good reason to worry. At one job I was told to lie to any spouse that called asking if their SO was there and there were a lot that called.

[TaraMaiden2]

That's not because they were going to start affairs or be unfaithful, or I'm sure that wouldn't have been the exclusive reason. I suspect it was more a case of guilt on the part of the partier, and control on the part of the absent partner/spouse.

 

You cannot put their request down to a specific reason of a desire to cheat.

That's just ridiculous.

I too used to work in a few bars and pubs, and we got the same comments re: phonecalls. But I honestly don't recall any person leaving with another party-goer they hadn't arrived with.

The ladies were usually out to have a good time without the scrutiny and party-pooping eyes of their partners boring into them.

The guys were definitely on the pull, but usually had a poor success rate.

[MissBee]

I have tended bar in a few clubs and both men and women have good reason to worry. At one job I was told to lie to any spouse that called asking if their SO was there and there were a lot that called.

 

But this is a matter of not being able to control your spouse and their choice to cheat and if they've already made the choice, it isn't about where they go. If someone doesn't respect their marriage, is unhappy and or is looking for some, then club or home, they will find a way to cheat.

 

The ones on the prowl in the club who specifically went there to cheat are self-selecting. They are likely also the type of people who join Ashley Madison etc. The fact that they have asked people to lie for them and the fact that their SO would even call a club looking for them already signals that they have planned to cheat and that their SO is probably used to their shenanigans. It is too late already in the example you're giving. As this is clearly a person who has already decided what they're going to do.

 

However, this doesn't have anything to do with people who aren't trying to cheat. Going to a club doesn't turn you into a cheater. The choices you make before you go, while you're there etc are what determine that. People who are out looking to cheat make different choices than those who aren't. If the only reason someone's SO isn't cheating is because they've banned them from the club, trust me, there are bigger problems. If you are calling clubs and bars all night looking for your SO, you've got bigger problems.

[Woggle]

I saw cheating going on. I saw women go into the bathroom with a stranger then a few days later bring their spouse or BF to the club and act like nothing happened.

[MissBee]

I saw cheating going on. I saw women go into the bathroom with a stranger then a few days later bring their spouse or BF to the club and act like nothing happened.

 

I don't think anyone's saying that's not true.

 

However, the problem is if someone believes that their spouse was an innocent saint who had no plans on cheating or has such great values and then stepped into the club and was possessed by Satan into cheating. Unlikely LOL! This isn't about the club at all, it's about the kind of person your SO is.

 

So if someone's logic is that, my SO can't go to the club because they will cheat and then gives examples of people who cheated at the club....they are missing lots of logical steps about the kinds of people who do this anyway and are making it about the place itself instead of the character of the person and their choice of actions. Places don't determine your character. If I am not interested in cheating on my SO, then no place will make a difference to that. If I'm thinking about it, no place will stop that.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think once you hit a certain age going to the club regularly whether in a relationship or not, probably isn't a good thing. I guess I just see clubs as something for the 18-21 college crowd.

 

 

And like others have said, I'd be more concerned about the fact that my spouse had a bunch of close friends I hadn't met yet.

[Woggle]

I am not saying that nobody should go clubbing or go out and have fun without their spouses because both of us do but don't act like men are just pulling this stuff out of our butts. Don't act like we are just trying to control women because we are a bunch of mean sexists who want to squash our wives fun.

[sandylee1]

It's not wrong in moderation. I'm a married woman...my H would not have a problem with me going out clubbing. He doesn't know all my friends...but it's not a frequent occurrence.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't go clubbing with or without my guy because we're not into that scene. But it is bugging me when some people here are talking about "the lies" women tell about no hanky panky going on.

 

It's possible for us women to maintain our own boundaries even if our men aren't present!!

[SJS]

Married woman. I see no problem with girl's nights, but believe there are plenty of other activities that my friends & I can do. Neither of us would be ok with the other going clubbing, but then again we know what kind of clubs are in our area as it's pretty slim pickings.

[kgcolonel]

Married Man...32 years 100% faithful and monogamous.

 

If one is out to cheat, any place can be fertile ground however, when alcohol is involved, many times, inhibitions are reduced and things can be said or can happen that otherwise wouldn't. I encourage my wife to get out with the girls however that normally is dinner, movies, other activities than to places where engaging other men is a substantial part of the evening (dancing and the like).

 

I would not act this way toward her either....it goes both ways and recent studies have indicated that while more men cheat the ladies are catching the men.

 

I don't see the attraction to seeing how close to the flame one can fly before getting engulfed.

[Woggle]

This is why I have a no tolerance policy towards cheating. If I catch her even thinking about it I am getting a divorce lawyer. I am not going to be worried every time she goes out clubbing or to enjoy herself. You betray my trust once and that is it.

[big dog]

when alcohol & temptation are mixed together it makes for a higher percentage chance that temptation will win out sooner or later.

Back in the day when my buddies and I were "clubbing" and just being guys... we knew ( as did many) That the first thing we needed to look for to increase our chances of getting "lucky" was a wedding ring. Nothing like an overworked, under appreciated housewife coupled with a few drinks to start thinking the grass is a little greener on the other side and she deserves to have a little "fun" herself. This , of course , is not always the case but why why keep pushing the envelope. Married women should avoid that stuff. Especially on any kind of a regular basis.

[Under The Radar]

I don't have a problem with "Girls Night Out" or any other excursion my significant other participates in without me.

 

What I do have a problem with is hypocritical and disrespectful behavior. For example, my significant other allowing men to grind extensively all over her at the club ...... as if she is single ...... but would never find that scenario acceptable if the situation was reversed.

 

I also don't have a problem with people drinking alcohol. That said, I find it extremely unattractive, not to mention downright stupid, when people get so drunk they can barely stand or have even a modicum of situational awareness ...... especially if the person is old enough to know better ...... like no longer in their 20's.

 

I've seen woman at the club, who are in relationships, allowing guys to feel them up on the dance floor ...... only to blame shift ...... citing alcohol rather than irresponsibly getting that wasted to begin with.

 

I consider cheating a deal breaker, but double standards, boundary violations, and a propensity for making poor decisions isn't far behind. I think personality flaws, like the aforementioned, are major deal breakers to the vast majority of people. GNO takes on a whole new meaning when dating someone in possession of these less than admirable qualities.

[FortySomethingGuy]

Two things:

 

(1) Buy and watch this video: "Science of Sex Appeal" (available at Amazon). There is a part in it that talks about a study of married women that frequent bars and clubs. It is not good news for their husbands.

 

(2) Clubs are like a candy store for grown ups. You are going to meet and chat with very attractive ('yummy'-looking) people in provocative clothing who love to flirt and seduce (and some have mastered this art and treat it as a sport),... add alcohol, sensual dancing, and a hyper-sexualized atmosphere... I'm not saying infidelity is inevitable, but,... even a saint could slip up and sin under such conditions.

Edited January 8, 2016 by FortySomethingGuy

[Aniela]

As a single guy this doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that the married or taken women seem to be more willing to compliment me than the single ladies. This is regardless of whether the husband is there or not. I don't get it. Seems like the taken women are more fearless than the single ones I guess?

 

A compliment doesn't always equal someone hitting on you. A single woman might avoid giving you compliments for this reason, though: it might be interpreted as them being more interested than they are. A married woman might feel safe to do so.

[Aniela]

Former and current friends of mine, who used to go dancing with their friends, would complain about men ignoring them when they said they didn't want to dance with them. One punched a guy, because he kept moving up against her, and another just stopped going in her late teens, because she was over the whole thing, but also because of the boundary violations.

 

I've been hit on by men in relationships, and they were pretty shameless about it. They also blamed alcohol, and other things. One blamed me for his girlfriend breaking up with him, even though she moved on because he wanted an open relationship, and she only wanted him. There was no clubbing involved, and I'd done nothing to invite the attention. An old male friend of mine cheated on his long-term (20+ years) girlfriend, the mother of his children, last year, and is now with his new, smug girlfriend. I have no idea how they met, but he isn't the clubbing sort.

 

One friend had an emotional affair, after meeting a man on a message board. She ended it, but misses him. I hadn't expected this sort of thing from her, and neither had she, so I think it can happen anywhere, depending on the person, and the circumstances. With my friend, there was a big thing that she and her husband disagreed on, but that he would go through with for her, because she wanted it. She realized she didn't want to force him into it, but the new guy would also not be up for it, so she was reassessing her entire life and plans. Her love for her husband won out.

[Shepp]

I'm not her dad. I'm her husband. She doesn't need my permission to go out with her friends.

Especially having married relatively young I think the only way that works is if you remember we're married, yeah, but also that we're in our 20's, not our 50's.

 

 

That said, I've met all her friends. I think having mutual friends is important. Being a part of each others network outside of the relationship is important.

It's about balance, right? I have footie nights with the lads, she has nights out with her work mates, and we also have a lot of mutual mates we can get together with for poker, or movies, or whatever.. And all that has to balance with us having time just the two of us, and time just the two of us with the kids. Lifes all about balance!

[Toodaloo]

Two things:

 

(1) Buy and watch this video: "Science of Sex Appeal" (available at Amazon). There is a part in it that talks about a study of married women that frequent bars and clubs. It is not good news for their husbands.

 

(2) Clubs are like a candy store for grown ups. You are going to meet and chat with very attractive ('yummy'-looking) people in provocative clothing who love to flirt and seduce (and some have mastered this art and treat it as a sport),... add alcohol, sensual dancing, and a hyper-sexualized atmosphere... I'm not saying infidelity is inevitable, but,... even a saint could slip up and sin under such conditions.

 

If husbands are worried about this then why do they not continue to make effort to look good and flirt and seduce their wives?

 

There is nothing here that a guy can not do at home.

 

Oh yes I forget it takes E.F.F.O.R.T... same effort required to keep a marriage going for years on end. Why always blame women when perhaps home isn't so rosie and beloved hubby is letting himself get fat and lazy and refusing to do anything about it?

 

Lord know we hear guys moan about women getting lardy but turn it on its head and its the womans fault again???

 

Lets face it who would you rather bump and grind with? The guy that looks good and smells good or the guy thats wearing yesterdays T shirt, has just farted and grunted at you?

 

Tough choice there... Real tough choice.

[OldRover]

Count me in as one that does not approve... for the most part.

 

As mentioned many time in this thread, clubbing is what people do to meet people of the opposite sex, and the drinking and dancing adds to that. Especially it the SO let's her hair down, dresses sexy or without the wedding ring.

 

It's not about going out with the gals for a drink to a place that is not a meat market. It's about the environment that is conducive for misbehavior. Just like meeting one of the opposite sex, alone for a business dinner or drink after hours, or even at the office. A smart person, who is in a committed relationship, just doesn't put themselves in that situation.

 

Other people can comment about "I trust her/him", "it's alright to flirt a little", "only friends" etc, etc.... absolute BS.

 

Those are boundaries that should be established. But to each his own.