soph-walker Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I hope this is the right forum for this kind of thread..! To cut to the chase...after the end of my LTR of my ex and I living together, the only way I could afford to live was moving back to my parents til I found my feet. Not my ideal situation but I was lucky enough to have supportive parents. Whilst living at my parents (I'm in my late 20's) I have been using OLD and have been on dates throughout the year. Have never told my parents if I was on a date, would just tell my sister or friends in advance of the date. I recently told my mum I was due to go on a date (just wanted to be honest and thought why don't I just tell her). She asked a few basic details which I told her (where he lived, age, his job-that was all) Now the thing is, my mother is shall we say, naturally snoopy. She assures me it's from the POV of being a concerned parent, to which I remind her that I lived away from home in another city for 9 years and managed just fine. Knowing her 'snoopiness', I asked that she please not search for this guy's dating profile and she said she wouldn't. After said date, she'd asked how it went and she asked how long he's been divorced for (something I for sure hadn't told her!) and she called him by his name (another thing I hadn't told her). I then asked why she'd searched for his profile despite me asking her not to, she told me she was just wanting to know who this guy was. I felt cross that she'd done this, but she told me I'll never understand until I have kids of my own. Am I being uptight about this or is it right that a parent should do such a thing? Past examples of her ott behaviours...I was seeing a guy for a couple of months last year and ended up telling her...she then started to ask me almost everyday 'have you heard from him, when are you seeing him, will you invite him round, how are his parents, etc). Me and the guy stopped seeing each other (he had ex issues) and I told her I was no longer seeing him...still she asks if I ever hear from this guy (who she never met!) and would I see him again if he got in touch. She has also texted my LTR ex after we broke up and told him how pissed off with him she was that he broke my heart and she was so dissapointed we didn't work out. Please help! I'm feeling like I don't want to speak to her about my love life ever again, she feels so overbearing and I don't feel I trust her! Link to post Share on other sites
five2nine Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Keep your private life private if you don't want her interfering with anything. You shouldn't have told her those details if you know she might possibly look him up. I had an old high school friend I lost contact with and years later I found them on myspace. I didn't want them knowing about my life because I felt it couldn't compare to hers. So I just looked at her profile and saw what she was up to, married now with a gorgeous husband and everything. I mentioned to my mom I saw the friend on myspace. BIG mistake! She looked her up and messaged her as if she was her old friend! Told her everything about me, gave my new phone number, etc. My friend invited us to her house for a party after that. How embarrassing, to meet up with old high school friends with my loudmouthed mother along! Of course I didn't go and was pissed, did not keep in contact either. Lesson learned, I don't tell her things I don't want her involved in anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 The truth is, it IS their house, their rules. Keep your mouth shut, you KNEW she'd be like this and now it's confirmed. So just focus on saving money so you can move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soph-walker Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) The truth is, it IS their house, their rules. Keep your mouth shut, you KNEW she'd be like this and now it's confirmed. So just focus on saving money so you can move out. I wanted to be able to confide in her and being the positive out look on life person I am, told her. My dating life has nothing to do with house rules. Interesting to hear your different thoughts though. In response to the charming 'blackhat' reply: My father has cancer. I've been saving for a mortgage as before my ex and I lived together, I had rented. Disagreeing with conjecture does not make a person immature. Edited January 4, 2016 by soph-walker Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Are you referring to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soph-walker Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Are you referring to me? I was responding to your post and then the rest of people's posts and their thoughts I subsequently responded to the member named 'blackhat'. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I agree that you have to follow your parents' rules if you live with them. However, parents should also respect an adult child's privacy as well. This is why I left home at a relatively young age and did not stay with my parents for long when I had no choice but to go back home due to health issues. They expected me to pay rent yet still wanted to listen in on my phone calls, tell me when to come in at night and control my romantic life. I would have stayed home if my parents were more reasonable. You obviously cannot live by your parents' rules. Some parents have difficulty letting go and they feel that they have the right to be intrusive. Time for you to leave and never live with your parents again. Link to post Share on other sites
solway86 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I agree that you have to follow your parents' rules if you live with them. However, parents should also respect an adult child's privacy as well. This is why I left home at a relatively young age and did not stay with my parents for long when I had no choice but to go back home due to health issues. They expected me to pay rent yet still wanted to listen in on my phone calls, tell me when to come in at night and control my romantic life. I would have stayed home if my parents were more reasonable. You obviously cannot live by your parents' rules. Some parents have difficulty letting go and they feel that they have the right to be intrusive. Time for you to leave and never live with your parents again. This is true to a certain extent. However, by virtue of me having a disability, moving out is not really optional for me. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 This is true to a certain extent. However, by virtue of me having a disability, moving out is not really optional for me. Can you obtain government funds for your disability? Does your country have any kind of supportive housing for adults with disabilities? Link to post Share on other sites
solway86 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Can you obtain government funds for your disability? Does your country have any kind of supportive housing for adults with disabilities? I do not feel comfortable talking too much about this. But yes, here in the UK, we have welfare. I wouldn't feel comfortable living away from home yet anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I do not feel comfortable talking too much about this. But yes, here in the UK, we have welfare. I wouldn't feel comfortable living away from home yet anyway. I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable at all. I just wanted to see if there were other options for you. If you don't feel comfortable living away from home, you have no choice but to tolerate your mother's behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 This is true to a certain extent. However, by virtue of me having a disability, moving out is not really optional for me. Note that I'm telling you this not to disparage you, but rather to give you hope. There's a woman from the UK on another forum in her 50s or 60s, who's been living with an extremely abusive husband all her adult life. She is very handicapped, uses a walker or a scooter, and has to have helpers come in and bathe her; she can't even do that. But she managed to leave her husband a year ago, with nothing but a chair (her mother's). She left when he was gone, got help from an agency that helped move her far away from him. She started over completely, except for that chair. All with the help of government aid. She can't even tell her grown children where she lives, for fear they'll slip and tell him so he can find her and punish her. A year later, it's practically a miracle after all she's gone through, but she is SO glad she finally left. And she's learned to be ok with accepting the help, which was hard for her. anyway, you're lucky to be living in the UK, as there are apparently many many agencies who will help you become self-sufficient. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soph-walker Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable at all. I just wanted to see if there were other options for you. If you don't feel comfortable living away from home, you have no choice but to tolerate your mother's behavior. I think that living with parents comes with such a stigma attached to it. Some people have to, some people want to, some people may have few other options than to do so. Myself, have been saving all of the money I make to put down a deposit for a mortgage, so for me it is only a temporary thing Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Your mom is unbelievable over the top nosey. Do not tell her anything thus she can't snoop. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 (edited) I think that living with parents comes with such a stigma attached to it. Some people have to, some people want to, some people may have few other options than to do so. Myself, have been saving all of the money I make to put down a deposit for a mortgage, so for me it is only a temporary thing Do you think you can stay home while you save for a mortgage? Living with parents past a certain age comes with a stigma because adults are expected to make their own way independently. There are extenuating circumstances and also cultural reasons why some stay home well into adulthood. Just sayin'....my husband and I rented apartments for five years until we could afford a house of our own. Edited January 4, 2016 by BettyDraper Link to post Share on other sites
Author soph-walker Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Do you think you can stay home while you save for a mortgage? Living with parents past a certain age comes with a stigma, because adults are expected to make their own way independently. There are extenuating circumstances and also cultural reasons why some stay home well into adulthood. I give my parents money every month and buy my own food, cook and clean, as well as save for a deposit for a house. Adults are expected to make their own way independently, indeed, and that was the case with me until my relationship ended. An abusive relationship which left me utterly broken and like most people that experience such endings, I have been piecing things back together bit by bit. I guess this thread has somewhat diversified from what I was originally posting about, people seem to have latched onto the fact that temporarily living at my parents house has something to do with 'house rules' and who I go and meet on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 No, it's just that you're living at their mercy, so to speak. You COULD be living somewhere else, albeit in a cardboard box, but you COULD. In which case, you'd not have the problem. But because you CHOSE to move in with people whom you knew would be this way, because you're getting something out of it emotionally and/or financially, it lessens the legitimacy of the gripe somewhat. That's not me trying to be rude to you, rather to get you to look at this more objectively. You're getting something out of the arrangement and when you go to someone for something, you should expect to make compromises. It just is what it is. Thus, keep your nose to the grindstone, save up that money, and keep your thoughts on your future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure why this discussion morphed into being about living with parents and "playing by their rules" You're dating and sex life is personal and as long as you're not bringing random guys to their house, it's you're business. Here's my take OP...your mom is overly involved in minute details of your dating life like you're a teenager again and she's a helicopter mom. I have two youngish kids still living home (12/14)...both are "dating" ...I get the basics and leave it at that...I want them involved with good people so I ask about drugs, hobbies, who are their parents, who are their friends, etc. I also give them some little tidbits of dating wisdom and let them know that teenagers can be fickle sometimes...that they will get their heart broken (it's a given)...that I'll be here for them and that I love them...and that things will be ok just stay the course. If they were adults living with me saving money for a house, anything they chose to share or not share with me is just fine...I just want them to know I care. It seems that since you've moved back in, your mom looks at you like you're under her "care" again...so you'll have to set some boundaries and establish yourself as an independent adult again. Talk with your mom about how you're looking for a house, how your saving is coming along, how you're getting your life together....but do not share details of your dating life....it triggers something in your mom that isn't pleasant, though I'm sure she loves you a lot. Good luck with buying a house...it's one of the best things ever! Look into new home buyer programs with zero down or almost zero and get a roommate to help with mortgage. Edited January 5, 2016 by StBreton 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 there is more then one way to view this matter. As an adult residing with a family member who has your best interest at heart, simply be open about your where abouts. Heck I am a single lady and I make it a point to call my friends so they can be on call if I am on a date that goes askew. If they don't hear from me after the venue, they at least know the blokes name, a description of the car and plate. I actually had a blind date go terribly wrong... so even at a ripe age... having someone know your plans helps the police or medical team that finds you. Yep as good as we are as adults and safe as we think we are... having open data helps. Some of us who want independent life styles also can be targets to circumstances... Be open with whereabouts be reserved in your delicate interludes... I would suggest encouraging your mom to be upfront with her concerns and then assure her that she raised a daughter with a good sense of judgment. I think its caring to be of concern... beats having a parent who is indifferent or dismissive. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I give my parents money every month and buy my own food, cook and clean, as well as save for a deposit for a house. Adults are expected to make their own way independently, indeed, and that was the case with me until my relationship ended. An abusive relationship which left me utterly broken and like most people that experience such endings, I have been piecing things back together bit by bit. I guess this thread has somewhat diversified from what I was originally posting about, people seem to have latched onto the fact that temporarily living at my parents house has something to do with 'house rules' and who I go and meet on a date. I'm glad that you contribute to the household. Your parents should let you have your privacy as an adult, especially since you contribute financially. It doesn't seem like your parents are prepared to do that so either you suck it up or move out. I don't think it is strange that you live at home due to a setback in life. These things happen. Link to post Share on other sites
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