Done...

December 31, 2015

His reasons are his reasons. It doesn't matter why he does what he does. What matters is that he does it and the effect it has on Dela. She's very empathic. That's why her connection is so intense to this narcissist and she's so tempted to try to understand and empathize with his behavior. He takes advantage of that because it's what allows him to get what he wants. She's in love with who he pretends to be, not who he actually is. She's just not ready to see him for what he is just yet.

December 31, 2015

well, it seems he s not talking to me... i texted last night and no response... he saw my message. i said i just wanna talk to him...

He doesn't want to deal with real questions. If he's silent, he knows you'll focus on just hearing from him versus dealing with reality. It's a sick control game.

Other option is he's reconciling and you've been kicked to the curb.. Temporarily or permanently. Regardless, why can't YOU decide you're done with him and this psychodrama?

Drives me nuts how so many OW wait on MM to make decisions. Make your own and be done. That's when things get better.

December 31, 2015

Don't worry, he will contact you when he feels like it.

December 31, 2015

This entire thread and situation feels like it is running parallel to my situation. I know for a fact that in my case the wife of MM won't leave because she wants to win, making what is said above in quote spot on truth and not just a guess. How do I know? Because the wife told me, not only via media, but directly face to face. She told me she "always gets what she wants and she wins at all costs". She doesn't even care if her husband (my MM) is happy or not. All she cares about is winning.

However I disagree that the wife will leave once OW is out of the picture - or at least in my situation. She will hang onto her nothing life just to avoid the upheaval of divorce AND the same goes for MM. He ain't going nowhere because it is just too much hassle and sticking it out with his wife is just easier.

I'm not sure who you mean won't ever get over this, but if you mean the OW then I agree fully. I don't ever see myself getting over this. He is everything to me and more, how does one get past that? Perhaps it will be the same for Dela too, we may never get past it.

Dela he isn't leaving.

You might be oversimplifying "winning." In a marriage, it's not all about the wife winning over the OW. Winning could mean having some power over the future of a marriage, children, finances, etc.

After being kept in the dark about an affair, it's natural to want to have some control over the future, especially when children are involved.

That being said, I'd kick my husband to the curb if I discovered he cheated. That's all the control I'd need. To be fair, we don't share children and I've learned a lot by being an OW previous to my marriage.

January 1, 2016

Happy new year, beautiful women?

May we have a wonderful, peaceful and bull**** free year.

Thanks for all your support.

Hugs and cheers! Stay strong!

January 2, 2016

Dela, you need to decide if you are happy with how things are now. Because se chances are, that's pretty much how they are going to be, long term, with this guy (give or take some details). He has made it clear through his actions that this is his preferred way of operating. If you're happy with that, great. If not, you will need to walk away. He can sustain this indefinitely. Can you?

January 2, 2016

Limeblue, you sound horrible about the bw. You have no idea what is actually happening in that marriage. She didn't step out, her h did, and trust me, after investing in and trusting in a spouse for years, finding out about infidelity is emotionally devastating. She may be acting irrationally and stupidly, but that's not yours to control. she had no control over her h and your behavior, which was not too nice, so don't look down on her for her reaction to being in a place she never chose. Cheaters like to insult the reactions to infidelity to take the blame off themselves for causing it.

January 2, 2016

Hei cocorico... No i don t like how things are.... we have no communication and i think it s obvious where he chose to be.. Every since the wife found out he s been a different person... As i don t exist anymore..

He sent me a text on ny saying i m in his thoughts but that s it..

I haven t contacted him.. I think i m still in shock because i can t feel what i m feeling and i have late reactions to things.. I can t even cry!

I just have to get used to the idea that this is over and that he s a coward. It s amazing how things turn 180 when the wife finds out... He can t even take 2-3 mins to talk to me. Nothhing. Zero. Until next week when he will start work i won t hear from him...

January 2, 2016

Forget what you hear... Clearly he lies like he breathes. If you pay attention to what he DOES (actions), you'll see he's been telling you all along that he's staying in his marriage.

Exactly. Words are air dispersed by the wind. Actions matter. And his actions are telling you he's not only still married after many chances to leave, he's actively ignoring you to fight for his marriage. And it's NOT about the kids. Really. Because if it were about the kids, he wouldn't risk losing them physically or emotionally by stepping out on their mother.

Think of it like this... Right now, MM works, commutes, sleeps, spends time with you, and possibly spends time on his hobbies and interests. This leaves precious little time to actually parent his kids, if you're including actual caregiving in the parenting.

Now, if he were to divorce, he'd likely end up with 50/50. He'd also be fully responsible for the feeding, bathing, clothing, disciplining, cleaning up after and entertainment of the kids half the time when they are with him. Meaning, divorced, he'd likely be spending MORE time being a father to his kids than he is right now.

And there is something else I'd like you to consider. Say his wife kicks him out and he comes running to you. You do understand that EVERYTHING would change, don't you? Having some kind of life with this man would mean taking on his kids half the time. Really think about it. Half of your time would be spent with his kids in the house and you assisting in the intimate details of their day to day care. Which isn't easy.

And the whole time you're stressing, tired, and breaking your back to make the kids time with you pleasant, you're conscious of the fact that you're sacrificing time and freedom and energy and happiness to take care of the children born to another woman while your own child never even go to take it's first breath.

If he's such a kind man and such a great parent, why is it that he wanted the kids he had with HER to live and thrive, but the child he had with YOU had to be eliminated from existence? A nice man and great parent loves ALL his children, not just the ones it's more convenient to love.

The cold reality is that this man manipulated you into becoming a person without honor (having an affair with a married man, lying on top of lying) and into destroying a life and all it's potential (aborting the baby) so he could continue on as he has been, so that his wife, family, and community wouldn't find out what kind of man he really is. You have paid a terrible price to allow him to continue on with his comfortably miserable marriage to someone else.

He doesn't love you. What's really heartbreakingly sad is that you don't seem to love you, either.

I say contact the BW and tell her the whole truth. You don't have to confess everything like she's your BFF, but give her the pertinent details like the duration of the affair, that it has been sexual and emotional for X months, that it is still ongoing (at least until Dday) and that you recently aborted his child at his insistence. Then tell her that you are terribly sorry and that you regret any hurt and damage your actions caused. Wish her well and wait.

Either she'll kick him to the curb or they'll reconcile.

If she kicks him to the curb, he'll come to you and you can begin your happy ending, right? You win. My condolences. If she allows him to stay and they reconcile, you know without a doubt that this was the perfect time for him to end the marriage and he failed to pull the trigger. Meaning, you'd know he has been full of it the whole time, never intended on leaving her, and you can finally move on.

Sidetrack, but I thought maybe this would make you smile or at least shake your head.

When I was younger and dating/tentatively engaged to (he didn't want to make it official until he could afford to buy an engagement set) a young pregnant woman approached me with her male companion and asked to talk.

We'll call the woman L and her companion J.

L had been having an affair with my then BF/tentative fiancee for a while. She was also tentatively engaged to her companion, J. Apparently, my ex tentative fiance had been cheating long enough that the child could be his.

She was honest and kind and seemed genuinely sorry for causing me hurt. I had some questions. So did she. We ended up talking for a while. It started out with us feeling hurt and very cautious. Then it progressed to us being angry at him and a little at each other. That morphed into us laughing at what idiots we were and making fun of how two reasonably intelligent, attractive, likable females could be so foolish.

Long story shortened, we became friends. We liked each other more than we liked him. L had the baby. A strong, healthy, boy. He wasn't my ex's, he was J's.

A few years later, L met and married my Uncle. No joke. My ex's OW became one of my closest friends and went on to also become my Aunt. I totally didn't see that coming when she confessed she was the hussy sleeping with my man, rofl!

January 2, 2016

Exactly. Words are air dispersed by the wind. Actions matter. And his actions are telling you he's not only still married after many chances to leave, he's actively ignoring you to fight for his marriage. And it's NOT about the kids. Really. Because if it were about the kids, he wouldn't risk losing them physically or emotionally by stepping out on their mother.

Think of it like this... Right now, MM works, commutes, sleeps, spends time with you, and possibly spends time on his hobbies and interests. This leaves precious little time to actually parent his kids, if you're including actual caregiving in the parenting.

Now, if he were to divorce, he'd likely end up with 50/50. He'd also be fully responsible for the feeding, bathing, clothing, disciplining, cleaning up after and entertainment of the kids half the time when they are with him. Meaning, divorced, he'd likely be spending MORE time being a father to his kids than he is right now.

And there is something else I'd like you to consider. Say his wife kicks him out and he comes running to you. You do understand that EVERYTHING would change, don't you? Having some kind of life with this man would mean taking on his kids half the time. Really think about it. Half of your time would be spent with his kids in the house and you assisting in the intimate details of their day to day care. Which isn't easy.

And the whole time you're stressing, tired, and breaking your back to make the kids time with you pleasant, you're conscious of the fact that you're sacrificing time and freedom and energy and happiness to take care of the children born to another woman while your own child never even go to take it's first breath.

If he's such a kind man and such a great parent, why is it that he wanted the kids he had with HER to live and thrive, but the child he had with YOU had to be eliminated from existence? A nice man and great parent loves ALL his children, not just the ones it's more convenient to love.

The cold reality is that this man manipulated you into becoming a person without honor (having an affair with a married man, lying on top of lying) and into destroying a life and all it's potential (aborting the baby) so he could continue on as he has been, so that his wife, family, and community wouldn't find out what kind of man he really is. You have paid a terrible price to allow him to continue on with his comfortably miserable marriage to someone else.

He doesn't love you. What's really heartbreakingly sad is that you don't seem to love you, either.

I say contact the BW and tell her the whole truth. You don't have to confess everything like she's your BFF, but give her the pertinent details like the duration of the affair, that it has been sexual and emotional for X months, that it is still ongoing (at least until Dday) and that you recently aborted his child at his insistence. Then tell her that you are terribly sorry and that you regret any hurt and damage your actions caused. Wish her well and wait.
Either she'll kick him to the curb or they'll reconcile.

If she kicks him to the curb, he'll come to you and you can begin your happy ending, right? You win. My condolences. If she allows him to stay and they reconcile, you know without a doubt that this was the perfect time for him to end the marriage and he failed to pull the trigger. Meaning, you'd know he has been full of it the whole time, never intended on leaving her, and you can finally move on.

Sidetrack, but I thought maybe this would make you smile or at least shake your head.

When I was younger and dating/tentatively engaged to (he didn't want to make it official until he could afford to buy an engagement set) a young pregnant woman approached me with her male companion and asked to talk.

We'll call the woman L and her companion J.

L had been having an affair with my then BF/tentative fiancee for a while. She was also tentatively engaged to her companion, J. Apparently, my ex tentative fiance had been cheating long enough that the child could be his.

She was honest and kind and seemed genuinely sorry for causing me hurt. I had some questions. So did she. We ended up talking for a while. It started out with us feeling hurt and very cautious. Then it progressed to us being angry at him and a little at each other. That morphed into us laughing at what idiots we were and making fun of how two reasonably intelligent, attractive, likable females could be so foolish.

Long story shortened, we became friends. We liked each other more than we liked him. L had the baby. A strong, healthy, boy. He wasn't my ex's, he was J's.

A few years later, L met and married my Uncle. No joke. My ex's OW became one of my closest friends and went on to also become my Aunt. I totally didn't see that coming when she confessed she was the hussy sleeping with my man, rofl!

Thanks for the post. I read it 3 times.. I don t know what to say

January 3, 2016

"He sent me a text on ny saying i m in his thoughts but that s it.."

Typical. He is tossing you a crumb. He will say he has to lay low for awhile and she's watching him, he still cares about you, my kids, yada yada

He will eventually want start it up again.

He will say things he knows you want to hear . . . .

January 3, 2016

"He sent me a text on ny saying i m in his thoughts but that s it.."

Typical. He is tossing you a crumb. He will say he has to lay low for awhile and she's watching him, he still cares about you, my kids, yada yada

He will eventually want start it up again.

He will say things he knows you want to hear . . . .

Absolutely. I give it a few weeks before he feels safe enough to reach out to her, tops. He doesn't want to fight for his marriage - he wants BOTH. If he wanted to save the marriage, honesty is key and he wouldn't have insisted dela lie to the wife. He just wants to get the W off his back so he can go back to the status quo. I just hope Dela doesn't respond when he inevitably comes sniffing back around.

January 3, 2016

Thanks for the post. I read it 3 times.. I don t know what to say

You're welcome. I hope that bit about my Aunt L gave you a little smile. Life can be strange, sometimes, and take us to places we never thought we'd go. Let that idea give you some hope. Life has much more in store for you than what you're going through now.

I was the product of an extramarital affair, raised by a single mother and then a step father. In my life, I have been both the WW and the BW. I left my first marriage to be with and marry my AP. I am as unbiased about your situation as it's possible to be and even I am saying that this man is lying to you, manipulating you, doesn't actually love you, and has demonstrated time and again he isn't leaving his wife unless she literally throws him out. And even then he'd only be leaving because she forced him to.

January 3, 2016

Absolutely. I give it a few weeks before he feels safe enough to reach out to her, tops. He doesn't want to fight for his marriage - he wants BOTH. If he wanted to save the marriage, honesty is key and he wouldn't have insisted dela lie to the wife. He just wants to get the W off his back so he can go back to the status quo. I just hope Dela doesn't respond when he inevitably comes sniffing back around.

I believe he's trying to save his marriage. If he wasn't, he'd be seeing and talking to Dela openly. Honesty and authenticity aren't required for the marriage to continue. The minimum for the marriage to continue is that no one file for divorce. Lying reduces the chance that his wife will leave him. To him, continuing to lie IS saving the marriage.

January 3, 2016

Hei cocorico... No i don t like how things are.... we have no communication and i think it s obvious where he chose to be.. Every since the wife found out he s been a different person... As i don t exist anymore..
He sent me a text on ny saying i m in his thoughts but that s it..
I haven t contacted him.. I think i m still in shock because i can t feel what i m feeling and i have late reactions to things.. I can t even cry!
I just have to get used to the idea that this is over and that he s a coward. It s amazing how things turn 180 when the wife finds out... He can t even take 2-3 mins to talk to me. Nothhing. Zero. Until next week when he will start work i won t hear from him...

He's not with you and has not taken measures to speak with you or see you. Can't you see this tells you everything? He might be back with excuses and sad tales but clearly you're not the priority.

How is this love?

January 3, 2016

He's not with you and has not taken measures to speak with you or see you. Can't you see this tells you everything? He might be back with excuses and sad tales but clearly you're not the priority.

How is this love?

And to add that Dday is the perfect time to leave for the AP if that is the married persons plan. In my case I gave my H the option to go and be with her. I wasn't interested in R when I found out. He didn't and In fact wrote a NC letter and hasn't looked back. When the spouse finds out about the A, that could be the first step, he's not taking it. Run.

January 3, 2016

Thanks for your posts.

Well, after the "i want u to know u are in my thoughts. Have a good time tonight" i haven t heard anything yet. I m sure i will tomorrow since he ll go back to work and he can talk to me...

Oh, someone mentioned that he doesn t wanna work on his marriage and i think it s true. Since he hasn t dumped me (forever) yet, i m thinking that he s waiting for things to chill a bit at home so he can continue having me around. And i will tell u how i know that.

When i talked to him after the wife found out we had sex, he told me

"If she wants to reconcile after this, i might do that. But that means this will end and i will not have any relationship with u. And i ve been thinking to tell her the whole truth about us"...

So i told him" why? U want her to move out faster and far away if she knows the whole story?"

So from his "logic" i got that he s rather tell her everything (maybe to piss her off even more that she would really end the marriage, thus spating him from taking any decision, because if she reconciles that means i m out of his life and he doesn t want that. (Crazy logic, ha?)

I told him he can tell her if he wants to, but her knowing the whole story means we will never be able to have a normal relationship if they divorce, since she will trash me and everyone will know the whole story... Well, the situation now it s not good at all, but for her i m just a ..... that her husband picked up in a bar 4 months ago and ****ed 2 times.. So i m not sure which is worse... I was so pissed that he told her we met in a BAR!?!?! Wtf!! When we met i was just finished the classes from the UNIVERSITY and i was having a coffee with my friend to a coffee place near my uni. And i had the table fool of books reading for my final paper.. A bar?!?!?! I can t imagine what that woman must think of me, that i m some kind of a party .... that ****s mm and all sort of things... And i don t blame her, it s what she knows from the **** he told her.. In a bar!!! He told me that he will tell her we met in a coffee place, u know, where people have coffee and lunch and stuff like that, not a bar. Bar is different!!!

Well, i m pissed. I know this "relationship" as it is now can t go on anymore. I can t and i won t wait until his wife decides if she wants him back ot not. So if i get a chance i will just ask him "are u going to divorce or not?" If the answer is no or other bull****, i m out!!!

January 3, 2016

MJ

You made some very good points.... especially about the fact that he would spend more time parenting in a divorce... but the comment about their child not being given a chance is a bit unfair IMO. They had only been in the affair for a short time when she fell pregnant and I think his reaction was to be expected.

Of course he didn't want a child from an affair.. his wife would have left for sure. His behaviour was normal. I don't see him as evil and horrible.... He's just a man cheating on his wife... no different to all the other MM that OW are with. He DIDN'T tell her to abort the baby... he told her he would after the baby and his other two. Many MM would straight up say to terminate it... he left Dela with that decision. .. she decided she didn't want a PT father for the baby on her own.

January 3, 2016

And to add that Dday is the perfect time to leave for the AP if that is the married persons plan. In my case I gave my H the option to go and be with her. I wasn't interested in R when I found out. He didn't and In fact wrote a NC letter and hasn't looked back. When the spouse finds out about the A, that could be the first step, he's not taking it. Run.

This hurts to read but is very true. Look darling my ExMM had the magic carpet of escape waiting all he had to do was step upon it. A place to live, the filing, an endless supply of resources, and an intelligent, caring and beautiful woman waiting.

He stayed. Because that's what HE WANTED. Simple as.

And you know, thank G-d for it. Look what I would have been stuck with.

Look what you would have been stuck with.

Run baby run

January 3, 2016

MJ

You made some very good points.... especially about the fact that he would spend more time parenting in a divorce... but the comment about their child not being given a chance is a bit unfair IMO. They had only been in the affair for a short time when she fell pregnant and I think his reaction was to be expected.

Of course he didn't want a child from an affair.. his wife would have left for sure. His behaviour was normal. I don't see him as evil and horrible.... He's just a man cheating on his wife... no different to all the other MM that OW are with. He DIDN'T tell her to abort the baby... he told her he would after the baby and his other two. Many MM would straight up say to terminate it... he left Dela with that decision. .. she decided she didn't want a PT father for the baby on her own.

Hei sandy. Thanks for the post. U re right about the baby... That s why i can t be mad at him for that. It s not like he raped me or something.. I know my part in that mess, i had unprotected sex with a man and i got pregnant. I am mature enough to admit my fault in this... Of course he didn t want to have a baby from the affair. I didn t want either... I mean, if someone would have asked me if i want a baby i would ve said no. When i was pregnant i was thinking maybe i can have him, i love kids and i didn t wan to think of abortion, but the situation was ****ty and i couldn t risk bringing a child into this world like this. Imagine how would i be right now with a 3 month old baby in THIS SITUATION. and i imagine the situation would have been even worse than it is now.. He did give me the option to keep it, but i knew deep down that i can t count on his words in this. U all see he said many things during this time and he did nothing.. So how would i know if he really was going to be involved in my child s life?? I don t...

As much as it pains me anf i think of my baby everyday, i know it was the right decision for the baby!!! He didn t need to be in this mess. I miss him everyday but i know he is in a better place. This situation is not a good place for a baby..

January 3, 2016

I was a bit disappointed that he didn t support me financially for the abortion... He didn t ask me if i need money for it or for my tests after it.. I didn t ask him for money, yes.. But i didn t have to.. He should ve asked me..

He did brought me food and cooked for me and supported me in other ways... But actually my parents paid for the abortion...

January 3, 2016