whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 and after all this, i still hear "is she will want to reconcile, i probably will"... so what now he thinks i will wait around another year until his wife decides if SHE wants him or not?? WTF. i see no fighting for me in this. i never asked him to D. he was the one talking about it and said he will. if i m guilty for something is that i foolishly believed in him. and now i hear that the wife finding out about me makes things harder... WTF... My usual response to something like this: Tell him to shove it up his a.ss and you walk away. This guy is a wimp and has no backbone. IF he truly loves you and wants a life with you, NOW is the time leave his wife and divorce. They can work out a fair custody arrangement. But he will do not do that because it's all about him and he's too scared to start over with you. Dela, find your inner strength, love and respect for yourself and end it with him once and for all. Otherwise in a year or two from now you'll still be the OW, waiting for him. Oh and you should tell her everything!! Come clean, be honest, own your part in this. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 He likened her to a moped - it seemed harmless and fun until someone saw him with her. Then it was embarrassing. Hmm ... I didn't consider myself "lucky" during my exH's A, but he never treated his AP like a shady secret. He treated he like a serious girlfriend. He dated her, introduced her to his/our friends, and was seen with her in public. Eventually, he moved in with her for a year. That their R didn't work had nothing to do with me or our M. It pains me to say this, but I would have thought less of him if he were "embarrassed" to be seen with the most important woman in his life (at the time). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 he was the one that told her we met right after he found out about her affair, to make it look like he was furious and that s why he cheated on her with me... he even lied in therapy about that when he was alone and with her... Knowing all this you still go along with him. You are a victim of your own making. People here come down on him, he is only doing what is in his nature. I am not saying you should take blame, just responsibility and accountability for your own (in)actions that led to this point. You say you "take the blame" (I dislike that verbage) but only to a certain extent, and usually in defense of what someone else said. In the beginning I would have said "yeah, this guy is at fault" but you are too aware and have been around this same road too much to not be responsible for your own unhappiness. I apologize I misunderstood the revenge affair part. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 it was mostly my idea... i wanted her not to know everything about us, not to cause a drama with the kids and all... Dela darling, Why the dickens did you do that? So if you didn't want to be responsible for causing pain, you have now lied to this woman's face and deceived her again. This isn't like you. This makes me sad. Furthermore your texts with her where she caught you in your lies has hurt her more. He's a coward. He wants you both. You should be truthful now about everything. You can't go on this way darling. NL xx 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Knowing all this you still go along with him. You are a victim of your own making. People here come down on him, he is only doing what is in his nature. I am not saying you should take blame, just responsibility and accountability for your own (in)actions that led to this point. You say you "take the blame" (I dislike that verbage) but only to a certain extent, and usually in defense of what someone else said. In the beginning I would have said "yeah, this guy is at fault" but you are too aware and have been around this same road too much to not be responsible for your own unhappiness. I apologize I misunderstood the revenge affair part. thanks. it s ok. the reason i m lying for him it s because i consider one child has suffered (our...), i just didn t want his kids to suffer also. my intentions were good but it bit me in the a.ss... i didn t want to hurt his wife or kids... i ve only been in this "relationship" because i really believed he will do something and he wants to D. i was never happy as OW... i told him he s done this to himself, no matter how much i tried to protect the situation i think he really wanted to be caught. he was never so sloppy. i really think that subconsciously he wanted her to know, maybe to make things easier for him in the decision part, because now he doesn t have to decide anything, she has.... Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 West end girl - he didn't view her as serious. He was embarrassed by his own behavior the whole time - he didn't want anyone to know he was a cheater. They didn't fall in love. They screwed for 4 months. The only other person who could behave like that was his equally messed up mow who cheered him on. He wasn't proud. Her behavior after it ended really showed her true colors. So his shame just continued. And he's got some soul digging to do. Trust me, knowing he threw so much away for someone he had no respect for is very embarrassing to me. No matter the factor, each of our situations hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dela, back to your original quandry. If MM's W tasks you with the question of what went on between you and the MM, you do not have to tell her. It's your prerogative to say, "I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you. Ask your H." You can not respond at all and let her draw her own conclusions. You can tell her the truth, as objectively as possible. Three very good options. But lying to her is really uncool, IMHO. That's MM's job. Now you're stuck in this lie, and there is no way to undo it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dela darling, Why the dickens did you do that? So if you didn't want to be responsible for causing pain, you have now lied to this woman's face and deceived her again. This isn't like you. This makes me sad. Furthermore your texts with her where she caught you in your lies has hurt her more. He's a coward. He wants you both. You should be truthful now about everything. You can't go on this way darling. NL xx thanks NL well, the real truth won t hurt less... it will hurt her even more. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 and after all this, i still hear "is she will want to reconcile, i probably will"... so what now he thinks i will wait around another year until his wife decides if SHE wants him or not?? WTF. i see no fighting for me in this. i never asked him to D. he was the one talking about it and said he will. if i m guilty for something is that i foolishly believed in him. and now i hear that the wife finding out about me makes things harder... WTF... Honey, he doesn't want you I was wrong. He is saying: "if my wife wants me back, I'm going back" He wants to be with his wife. Let them be together. There are oceans of men who would love to be with a beautiful girl like you. NL xx 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dela, back to your original quandry. If MM's W tasks you with the question of what went on between you and the MM, you do not have to tell her. It's your prerogative to say, "I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you. Ask your H." You can not respond at all and let her draw her own conclusions. You can tell her the truth, as objectively as possible. Three very good options. But lying to her is really uncool, IMHO. That's MM's job. Now you're stuck in this lie, and there is no way to undo it. she didn t interrogate me while we were on fb... she just wanted to know if we had sex or not (which i confirmed while i thought it was him on the phone, but was her)... she was okish, told me that he s a liar and manipulator and she s sick or this and stuff like that.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Honey, he doesn't want you I was wrong. He is saying: "if my wife wants me back, I'm going back" He wants to be with his wife. Let them be together. There are oceans of men who would love to be with a beautiful girl like you. NL xx well, he told me when i asked if he loves her "in a way, yes. and i also love u" so yeah he has a big heart Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Trust me, knowing he threw so much away for someone he had no respect for is very embarrassing to me. No matter the factor, each of our situations hurts. I'm sure it does. When I found out about the woman my ex-SO dumped me for, I was truly appalled. Five kids, four different men she wasn't married to, etc. The only thing she had going for her was her looks. I'm sure the only reason he dumped me was because he wanted to boink her really badly until he got tired of it (which is exactly what happened). But that says everything about him. He doesn't respect women as people. Not me, not her. The only women I ever saw him give a modicum of respect to were his ex-wives. Men that "use" women for sex have serious madonna/whore issues, IMHO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dela in an earlier thread you mentioned that the MM was angry about his wife's affair and angry that he couldn't trust her. When we pointed out the hypocrisy of his words you came back saying that he's not really angry about the wife's affair, he's angry about all of the lies she told and continued to tell even after he found out. He said that if his wife found out about his affair he wouldn't lie about. LOL, yet here he is, lying his lying little face off like the little weasel he is. You need to stop talking to him because you are in a state where you cannot discern fantasy from reality. Your threads are full of MM says this, MM says that and you lap up every bit of nonsense he tells you in spite of everyone here being able to see what a lying manipulator he is. If you keep talking to him he will have you back in the palm of his hand in no time. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dela in an earlier thread you mentioned that the MM was angry about his wife's affair and angry that he couldn't trust her. When we pointed out the hypocrisy of his words you came back saying that he's not really angry about the wife's affair, he's angry about all of the lies she told and continued to tell even after he found out. He said that if his wife found out about his affair he wouldn't lie about. LOL, yet here he is, lying his lying little face off like the little weasel he is. You need to stop talking to him because you are in a state where you cannot discern fantasy from reality. Your threads are full of MM says this, MM says that and you lap up every bit of nonsense he tells you in spite of everyone here being able to see what a lying manipulator he is. If you keep talking to him he will have you back in the palm of his hand in no time. thanks... we didn t "break up" yet... although maybe it s obvious it s over (the affair)... i m still in shock from the day i had yesterday. i wasn t ready for this situation Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dela, back to your original quandry. If MM's W tasks you with the question of what went on between you and the MM, you do not have to tell her. It's your prerogative to say, "I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you. Ask your H." You can not respond at all and let her draw her own conclusions. You can tell her the truth, as objectively as possible. Three very good options. But lying to her is really uncool, IMHO. That's MM's job. Now you're stuck in this lie, and there is no way to undo it. This happened to me right after my first Dday. Me like a dummy asks my WH if he had sex with OW and of course he denied it to me. When I asked OW she never gave me a firm yes but her other answers gave it away for me. OW told me that what I had caught wasn't even a great catch and that all I am seeing is smoke and mirrors. Nice eh? While I agree you are in no way obligated to speak with the wife, it would be the kindest thing to do is at least admit the truth. After my False R I spoke with the OW on the phone for over an hour comparing stories. She realized he had also lied to her at times. I honestly felt bad for her too. My WH is a manipulative man with little empathy for others unless it benefits him in some way. Dela save yourself from this toxic situation. You are free and I am currently stuck with a spouse like your MM. Find someone to love you in a healthier way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Oh Dela... why are you doing this to yourself? Your just 26 years old and could be having the time of your life....not embroiled in this mess. At your age ... you don't have to settle for a man with all this baggage.. you are going to be emotionally drained if you don't get out of this affair. There's no future in it for you. Just leave the two of them to work on their marriage..... it'll be so much better for you . 9 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 thanks... we didn t "break up" yet... although maybe it s obvious it s over (the affair)... i m still in shock from the day i had yesterday. i wasn t ready for this situation No doubt you are hanging on, hoping this latest blow to the marriage will be the one that destroys it and sends the MM running to you. The problem is that his marriage is a long long ways from over. Even if he did move out and come to you there would still be plenty of back and forth between he and his wife. He would be sneaking over there to see her while telling you he has to go there to see the kids. He would still hide you and treat you like second class for the sake of the kids. He would still be telling you one story while telling his wife another. It would still be an affair and you would still be on the losing end. If you keep hanging on and waiting for him to decide he may never decide and this will go on endlessly or he may very well choose his wife and you will be kicked to the curb in a most cruel and heartless way. Why are you waiting for that? Why not take back some of your own personal power and walk away with some of your dignity still intact? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 thanks. it s ok. the reason i m lying for him it s because i consider one child has suffered (our...), i just didn t want his kids to suffer also. my intentions were good but it bit me in the a.ss... i didn t want to hurt his wife or kids... i ve only been in this "relationship" because i really believed he will do something and he wants to D. i was never happy as OW... i told him he s done this to himself, no matter how much i tried to protect the situation i think he really wanted to be caught. he was never so sloppy. i really think that subconsciously he wanted her to know, maybe to make things easier for him in the decision part, because now he doesn t have to decide anything, she has.... He wanted her to know so she would feel the same stibg on being cheated on and no further. He's still there and none of this seems to be a particularly "vexing" decision. Considering that he's already set you up as a backup plan and you've given him no pressure to leave, he isn't. Why have one woman when he can have two for less headache. Get it? You are commodities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 thanks NL well, the real truth won t hurt less... it will hurt her even more. As a BS. I can tell you the lies hurt more. Youfibd that pretty universally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 He wanted her to know so she would feel the same stibg on being cheated on and no further. He's still there and none of this seems to be a particularly "vexing" decision. Considering that he's already set you up as a backup plan and you've given him no pressure to leave, he isn't. Why have one woman when he can have two for less headache. Get it? You are commodities. well, our next conversation will be about this. i want him to tell me what is HIS decision about all this, not to wait for his wife to take the decision. i m not gonna wait around until she decides what she wants to do. i will tellhim if he wants to stay married, to do that, but to tell me and to leave me alone!! i need closure for all of this, so i need him to tell me, with words, that he wants to stay home and that s all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecoveringSlowly Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 thanks... we didn t "break up" yet... although maybe it s obvious it s over (the affair)... i m still in shock from the day i had yesterday. i wasn t ready for this situation Right now you do not want to be happy. You show that by coming here to ask for advice and arguing with everything anyone says. This guy is a worthless piece of ****. Until you realize that and accept that you have worth, you are going to be trapped in this hell. I'm done giving advice on this. At this point you are just as much at fault as he is for allowing it to continue. Get your head out of your ass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 she didn t interrogate me while we were on fb... she just wanted to know if we had sex or not (which i confirmed while i thought it was him on the phone, but was her)... she was okish, told me that he s a liar and manipulator and she s sick or this and stuff like that.. So even she knows he's full of it. I want you to go to chumplady.com Read the blog entry on "Niceness vs. kindness." You say he's "soft." I don't buy it. It's conflict/honesty avoidance and passive-aggressive behaviour at its best (which is AWFUL stuff) Most affairs are all about this stuff. Why are you so hooked on this guy? What's your FOO like? What's your bottom line with this guy? You have already said you aren't happy with your current station in his life. But that's the relationship you have. So what's the "uncrossable" line? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 While I agree you are in no way obligated to speak with the wife, it would be the kindest thing to do is at least admit the truth. That's probably what I would have done too, albeit very succinctly, had I gotten the phone call/email: "Yes, we are in a romantic relationship, and yes we have had sex." It doesn't have to become a big confessional/bloodletting. If MM wants to lie about his own life, fine. I'm not going to lie about mine. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 well, our next conversation will be about this. i want him to tell me what is HIS decision about all this, not to wait for his wife to take the decision. i m not gonna wait around until she decides what she wants to do. i will tellhim if he wants to stay married, to do that, but to tell me and to leave me alone!! i need closure for all of this, so i need him to tell me, with words, that he wants to stay home and that s all. Honestly, if was going to tell either one of you with words, followed by action, he would have done so by now. What you would need to see are the words, "I am leaving her and coming to you." Followed by immediate action. At the VERY LEAST. He isn't going to conclusively do that because he's non-committal. If he is still in that house "diving towels and trying to choose" in the next WEEK......then there is your final answer. But the fact that he wants to take her reconciliation temperature without giving her the full truth should tell you everything you need to know. I believe you have a brand new year ahead of you. Something to think about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 So even she knows he's full of it. I want you to go to chumplady.com Read the blog entry on "Niceness vs. kindness." You say he's "soft." I don't buy it. It's conflict/honesty avoidance and passive-aggressive behaviour at its best (which is AWFUL stuff) Most affairs are all about this stuff. Why are you so hooked on this guy? What's your FOO like? What's your bottom line with this guy? You have already said you aren't happy with your current station in his life. But that's the relationship you have. So what's the "uncrossable" line? i have suffered a lot taking the decision to abort my baby. i ve been in hell for the last 11 months. i regret that decision, of course i do, i know it was the best for the situation but it still hurts like hell. i m not dealing well with regrets and i didn t want to take any decision regardin MM. he was never bad with me, as a bad person, he always talked nice to me, we communicate, he would spend nights talking to me when i was sad, cook and take care of me.. he is not a bad human being. i know he is an a.ss in some aspects, and a liar, conflict avoidant and all of that. i just wanted to see how this story ends and if something can come out of this, as he was saying he will get a D. if he had told me"look, woman, i m never going to leave my wife", i would have walked away long time ago... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts