Done...

[NewLeaf512]

Honey let's say they do D (which I don't believe they will because as you said no one has the balls)

 

Now that you are known to be the mistress, he will never be with you. He can't. She will make sure in the court order that you can never be around her children. She will tell her family, his family, and anyone else, and anyone else she pleases that you are the b* who took the children's father away. When they are old enough she would tell the children too. He told you before he will never leave his children. He won't give up anything for you, but not his children. You would never be welcome in the family. They will all hate you.

 

Darling please you have to let this go. There is no good in it for you.

 

NL x

[Brokenlady]

He will reconcile of she wants to. That's a far cry from what he said before- that he'd divorce. And he's claiming it's about the kids, which is complete lies. So now you know that he's inclined to keep both of you as long as both of you will let him. I did the same thing you did and minimized to his first xW. You know how my story ended. The more you type the more I see the similarities that do not bode well for you.

 

One other point- if he's so concerned about his kids and all about his kids, how the heck does he justify convincing you to have an abortion? He doesn't give a crap about his existing kids either dela. Seriously. How good of a father is he really? I thought my xH was s great father too, until I moved in with him and I could see that he was not the father he described himself as when I was ow. Seriously think dela. He's been playing you and now he's not even trying to hide it bc he's telling you he wants to reconcile. And if the wife doesn't want to, do you really want to be the mere consolation prize? Yuck. Cut him off!!!

[Brokenlady]

My xH didn't have the calls to D either. She filed. Guess what? When I left him, I had to file too. That's how these men work. He is not a martyr! Get that out of your head!!!!

[Brokenlady]

Dela,

I'm really having a hard time trying to think of what to say. When I was where you are and doing and saying the same stuff, no one could get through to me. I'm not sure there's anything I can say that will resonate with you before you waste another 7 years of your life. But I'm going to try anyway.

 

His actions have told you all you need to know. Youve been trying desperately to explain away or minimize the discrepancies between his words and his behaviors, and in effect your gouging your own eyes out. Your unwillingness to see him for the narcissist he is is coloring everything. You're looking for the one thing that shows you should give up - like him telling you he's definitely staying with the W. You have dozens of things telling you what you need to know, you're just finding a million ways to avoid seeing them for what they are and expecting instead for a level of honesty and behavioral congruence from someone who has demonstrated over and over that he isn't capable. The inability to walk away without knowing how it would turn out is nonsense. I can tell you how it will turn out. His wife is going to leave eventually, you'll be with him and then you're going to find yourself even more gutted than you are now bc he's so disordered. You will never win. The wife will never win. No woman with the misfortune to come across him will win. Because he's not capable of real mostly or shame and although he pretends well his actions show you the truth. You know all this. I know you do. Please stop fighting the obvious and trust your gut. Get away and stay away.

[ladydesigner]

Dela,

I'm really having a hard time trying to think of what to say. When I was where you are and doing and saying the same stuff, no one could get through to me. I'm not sure there's anything I can say that will resonate with you before you waste another 7 years of your life. But I'm going to try anyway.

 

His actions have told you all you need to know. Youve been trying desperately to explain away or minimize the discrepancies between his words and his behaviors, and in effect your gouging your own eyes out. Your unwillingness to see him for the narcissist he is is coloring everything. You're looking for the one thing that shows you should give up - like him telling you he's definitely staying with the W. You have dozens of things telling you what you need to know, you're just finding a million ways to avoid seeing them for what they are and expecting instead for a level of honesty and behavioral congruence from someone who has demonstrated over and over that he isn't capable. The inability to walk away without knowing how it would turn out is nonsense. I can tell you how it will turn out. His wife is going to leave eventually, you'll be with him and then you're going to find yourself even more gutted than you are now bc he's so disordered. You will never win. The wife will never win. No woman with the misfortune to come across him will win. Because he's not capable of real mostly or shame and although he pretends well his actions show you the truth. You know all this. I know you do. Please stop fighting the obvious and trust your gut. Get away and stay away.

 

Dela please read this post again and again there is such great insight from experience here.

 

(((Brokenlady)))

[Ruffian1]

Delta

 

This man asked you to kill the child you conceived?? How awful for you.

That is not a man.

If you did not whole-heartedly want to do it by your own decision, he helped you make a decision to do an act that profoundly hurt you. And will haunt you thru life.

 

He is not a good man, and he is unmitigatingly SELFISH.

 

He does not love you.

 

You need to get away from this user and figure out why you aborted a child you wanted to have. You did want to have the child??

 

 

Don't let a man have such an influence on your major choices in life. He does not have your best interests at heart, only his.

[lftbehind]

Ugh I know you're not 50. And that shouldn't be the comment that most offends you. Smh. But continuing this behavior at 50 will be pathetic. So shut that **** down now

 

50 isn't old.

[Lurkeraspect]

How you think any of this is remotely flattering to you, is beyond me. This man is nothing more than weak and pathetic. Just go already. You're wasting your time. Just yuck.

[Sassy Girl]

Dela, you have romanticised this horrid mess and are not seeing clearly. What you *think* you have in this relationship is all smoke and mirrors. See bold below:

 

Why are you so hooked on this guy?

 

What's your FOO like?

 

What's your bottom line with this guy? You have already said you aren't happy with your current station in his life. But that's the relationship you have.

 

So what's the "uncrossable" line?

 

 

 

these were your questions. i think i answered in my post.

 

i will give u an example. for me communication is very important. i have that with MM. if he is conflict avoidant, he wasn t with me. we communicate about everything and anything.

 

His communication is filled with lies. His actions don't match his words. And the words he is telling you RIGHT NOW is that he IS NOT leaving her. You think you have communication.... Maybe you do... But you're not listening to what he's telling you when he actually tells you the truth.

 

another thing, respect. i don t know how much it applies in this situation, but exclusivly in our affair/relationship, i had that.

 

you don't have respect. If he respected you he wouldn't ask you to abort your child, got right this drama, as you to lie, keep you a shameful secret and your child as well. That's not respect [/b]

 

i m not happy with the situation, yes. bottom line is i was waiting for a chance to a normal relationship.

 

Everything about this is dysfunctional and toxic. You will never have normal with this man - he's not capable

 

another thing, more psychological probably, there is a strong bond between us because of the pregnancy story...

 

You have a bond because of pregnancy? She has his children. Yoir bond is imagined

 

the uncrossable line would be bad behavior, abuse and being dishonest in "our relationship". i didn t have that, he didnt tell me from the very first day that he s getting a D, after few months he said he s thinking about taking a decision and few months ago he said he did and he s getting a D. now he says that because the wife found out it makes that harder...

 

Um what? Now that wife knows he has a perfect out "oops, I'm busted. You're right, this isn't working - I'm leaving". See? Easy. But he's not telling you that. HE TOLD YOU HES STAYING

 

did i answer your questions?

 

I'm not saying this to be harsh, I want you to wake up. It's unanimous across all people who have responded from both sides... What will it take for you too see it?

 

Your relationship whilst real to you, has not been the same for him. You have nothing but smoke and mirrors and pretty words.

[Dela]

I feel horrible

[Sassy Girl]

I feel horrible

 

You're not he first person who's fallen for a MM.., but people here are trying to help you. Get angry Dela! Demand more for yourself. Cut the loser loose. Let her have him. He's no prize.

[TunaCat]

I feel horrible

 

Do you feel horrible for yourself, your MM or his wife?

 

Decide what you want for your life. Decide to DEMAND better for yourself, because you deserve so much better than this.

 

Toss the MM aside and start working on yourself.

[LimeBlue]

Knowing what I know about the situation, here's what I think: the W will stay as long as she remotely thinks that Dela and her H are still involved. She'll stay out of sheer stubbornness and the desire to "win". The goal appears to be to stop her H's A at all costs. MM's reasons ... f*ck his reasons, he clearly is hand-flailingly confused.

 

If Dela exits and the W knows that she's "won", she'll realize that she's won nothing, and she'll make her exit. The M is pretty much trashed by this point, and she needs some quiet time to observe the wreckage. You do not get over something like this, ever.

 

I give it a year.

 

This entire thread and situation feels like it is running parallel to my situation. I know for a fact that in my case the wife of MM won't leave because she wants to win, making what is said above in quote spot on truth and not just a guess. How do I know? Because the wife told me, not only via media, but directly face to face. She told me she "always gets what she wants and she wins at all costs". She doesn't even care if her husband (my MM) is happy or not. All she cares about is winning.

 

However I disagree that the wife will leave once OW is out of the picture - or at least in my situation. She will hang onto her nothing life just to avoid the upheaval of divorce AND the same goes for MM. He ain't going nowhere because it is just too much hassle and sticking it out with his wife is just easier.

 

I'm not sure who you mean won't ever get over this, but if you mean the OW then I agree fully. I don't ever see myself getting over this. He is everything to me and more, how does one get past that? Perhaps it will be the same for Dela too, we may never get past it.

 

Dela he isn't leaving.

Edited December 31, 2015 by LimeBlue

[sandylee1]

He is everything to me and more, how does one get past that? Perhaps it will be the same for Dela too, we may never get past it.

 

 

Sorry to t/j Dela ....but LB

 

NEVER make another human being your EVERYTHING. It's very unhealthy and will leave you in a sobbing mess when they let you down. You know more than many.. that no matter how strong the love is/was ... people will cheat.

 

All this talk of winning as well.. Once you get married ... The game should be over. Why should a spouse have to compete for their husband or wife.

 

LB ... you say your MM won't leave.. but you are just the same ...you are married...another man is your everything..yet you remain in that marriage.. why? No kids to think about.

 

Your MM stays because he's happy.. He's not miserable like you want to believe.. He's told you how he enjoyed their time together.. yet you act like she's an intruder in your relationship.

[Ruffian1]

I feel horrible

Because of what you are doing with this man. It is soooo . . . .unhealthy mentally and physically on so many levels. Do you see yourself as a lier and deceiver, because that is what you have become.

 

 

You are 26?? Can I ask how old MM is?

 

 

At 26, you have the world at your feet. You just don't see it, as most young women don't realize until they are older and wiser.

 

 

Look inside yourself, change the way you think and see the world. It will take time and effort. It is indeed a cruel, cold, fast society we live in. Many people are shallow. They will use their skills to manipulate you to their advantage. Don't let them. Have some principles and morals and stick to them. Anything good in life takes work and sacrifice. And by good, I mean loyalty, honesty, commitment, sharing life in all ways, someone to lean on, someone to support through life.

 

 

Stay away from this awful MM you are competing to "win". You should not have to compete to be with a man. He should move mountains to be with YOU. That is love. You would not be truly happy if you did end up with a user. Think long and hard about it. His wife will tell his kids you are a home wrecking whore. You will never have their respect. Is that what you want? Because it is reality.

 

 

Your heart is hurting because of this relationship. He has chosen his M yet again. Guard your heart, don't let him stab it anymore.

[Dela]

well, it seems he s not talking to me... i texted last night and no response... he saw my message. i said i just wanna talk to him...

[Dela]

did he disappear?? he did call me yesterday morning... i have no idea

[Brokenlady]

well, it seems he s not talking to me... i texted last night and no response... he saw my message. i said i just wanna talk to him...

 

I know you're in pain, but it's only going to be worse if you stay in touch with him. He has no capacity for empathy, so rest assured that you're hurting way more than he is, despite his faking. Think back at what he's said you. Would he have said some of those ridiculously hurtful things if he were able to empathize? How has he demonstrated empathy for his wife, his kids? Look to the actions. Think about what baloney it is that he wanted to reconcile after she cheated but actually demonstrated narcissistic rage instead by having an affair of his own instead. Keeping pictures of you on his phone was risky. Why would he do that? He wanted to get caught. He wanted to hurt her back. And you're collateral damage that fed his ego as an added bonus while he exacted his revenge. He's personality disordered dela. You know this. Walk away. Please.

[whichwayisup]

This entire thread and situation feels like it is running parallel to my situation. I know for a fact that in my case the wife of MM won't leave because she wants to win, making what is said above in quote spot on truth and not just a guess. How do I know? Because the wife told me, not only via media, but directly face to face. She told me she "always gets what she wants and she wins at all costs". She doesn't even care if her husband (my MM) is happy or not. All she cares about is winning.

 

NOBODY can force a person to have an affair, just like nobody can force a person to stay in their marriage. Your MM just like Dela's MM IS where they want to be. Married and having an A on the side. BOTH of your situations, the wife is the one who is the devil so it seems and neither of you can see that the MM is happy enough having the cake and eating it too.

[gettingstronger]

NOBODY can force a person to have an affair, just like nobody can force a person to stay in their marriage. Your MM just like Dela's MM IS where they want to be. Married and having an A on the side. BOTH of your situations, the wife is the one who is the devil so it seems and neither of you can see that the MM is happy enough having the cake and eating it too.

 

 

 

 

Exactly- come on- put the blame where it belongs-

[WestEndGirl]

NOBODY can force a person to have an affair, just like nobody can force a person to stay in their marriage. Your MM just like Dela's MM IS where they want to be. Married and having an A on the side. BOTH of your situations, the wife is the one who is the devil so it seems and neither of you can see that the MM is happy enough having the cake and eating it too.

 

That's very true. Sometimes I think that we forget that a lot of people are "happy" when there is dysfunction, turmoil, loneliness, etc. I mean, why did I stay in a miserable marriage, when it no longer met my basic needs? Because I wanted to.

 

If not for a kick-butt counselor, I would have waited even longer to get out. But counseling helped me figure out why I was punishing myself. My counselor swore up and down that I had to come from an abusive background, which wasn't true. We never figured it out, but I would have liked to.

[Brokenlady]

His reasons are his reasons. It doesn't matter why he does what he does. What matters is that he does it and the effect it has on Dela. She's very empathic. That's why her connection is so intense to this narcissist and she's so tempted to try to understand and empathize with his behavior. He takes advantage of that because it's what allows him to get what he wants. She's in love with who he pretends to be, not who he actually is. She's just not ready to see him for what he is just yet.

[HappyAgain2014]

well, it seems he s not talking to me... i texted last night and no response... he saw my message. i said i just wanna talk to him...

 

He doesn't want to deal with real questions. If he's silent, he knows you'll focus on just hearing from him versus dealing with reality. It's a sick control game.

 

Other option is he's reconciling and you've been kicked to the curb.. Temporarily or permanently. Regardless, why can't YOU decide you're done with him and this psychodrama?

 

Drives me nuts how so many OW wait on MM to make decisions. Make your own and be done. That's when things get better.

[Ruffian1]

Don't worry, he will contact you when he feels like it.

[HappyAgain2014]

This entire thread and situation feels like it is running parallel to my situation. I know for a fact that in my case the wife of MM won't leave because she wants to win, making what is said above in quote spot on truth and not just a guess. How do I know? Because the wife told me, not only via media, but directly face to face. She told me she "always gets what she wants and she wins at all costs". She doesn't even care if her husband (my MM) is happy or not. All she cares about is winning.

 

However I disagree that the wife will leave once OW is out of the picture - or at least in my situation. She will hang onto her nothing life just to avoid the upheaval of divorce AND the same goes for MM. He ain't going nowhere because it is just too much hassle and sticking it out with his wife is just easier.

 

I'm not sure who you mean won't ever get over this, but if you mean the OW then I agree fully. I don't ever see myself getting over this. He is everything to me and more, how does one get past that? Perhaps it will be the same for Dela too, we may never get past it.

 

Dela he isn't leaving.

 

You might be oversimplifying "winning." In a marriage, it's not all about the wife winning over the OW. Winning could mean having some power over the future of a marriage, children, finances, etc.

 

After being kept in the dark about an affair, it's natural to want to have some control over the future, especially when children are involved.

 

That being said, I'd kick my husband to the curb if I discovered he cheated. That's all the control I'd need. To be fair, we don't share children and I've learned a lot by being an OW previous to my marriage.