Done...

[Dela]

He wants to keep the door open a crack if it in a year, or two or five years from now he can rely on you waiting and taking him back IF he ever decides to leave and divorce. Glad to see your reaction and that you're finally fed up and mad. Though I know you're hurting, this outcome was inevitable.

 

Be kind to yourself during this grieving process. And, make sure to block him on all social media, change your cell number if need be too.

 

 

yeah... i even wished him happiness and a beautiful life. although i have a feeling that i will hear from him again...

well, i m free now and it s over. what the future brings i don t know and i don t care. i just wanna be ok again...

[Friskyone4u]

Dela,

 

i dont care what resources... maybe $ too... he didn t seem 100% to end it and i can t believe he did it in such manner that he managed to leave a little hope behind!!! F.U.C.K!! the hell with him!

 

Stick to that statement and you will be fine and able to get your new life started.

One day at a time and when he does start sniffing around again, read what you just wrote.

[Popsicle]

Remember to cut ALL ties and don't be "friends" with him. Complete NC.

[NewLeaf512]

He actually makes me ill. Dela please don't ever go back

[lemondrop21]

i dont care what resources... maybe $ too... he didn t seem 100% to end it and i can t believe he did it in such manner that he managed to leave a little hope behind!!! F.U.C.K!! the hell with him!

 

They will always do this... it's always "at the moment," "for the time being," etc. Why should he give you a direct, final answer? This makes it more likely that you'll leave for good.

 

I'm so sorry, dear. This one is not a strong enough, good enough person to cut you loose even though he knows he's not leaving. You'll have to do it yourself.

[lemondrop21]

He actually makes me ill. Dela please don't ever go back

 

Agree with NL, this one especially disgusts me. Dela, one day you are going to feel very sad that this man ever received one bit of affection from you. I know it's hard to fathom right now, but that time will come, and I'm looking forward to it on your behalf.

[sandylee1]

Most men don't like having to do the dumping.... whether single or married... they just start acting up and leaving it to the woman to ends it.

 

I just see him as the same as pretty much all the other MMs. He never intended to leave the marriage.. he said it way back then.... and not a lot changed. His wife apparently had an A.... he blamed himself for not being there.... then he gets busted.

 

He's the same old typical cake eater ... that's what see. He's no demon or monster.. just your bog standard careless cheater.

 

Dela ..... Once you accept you both did wrong it will be easier to look towards the future. You're young..you have a good career.. you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

You should be the first wife and you're young enough to get a man with no baggage of ex wife and kids...... let the moment you become a parent, be joyous with YOUR man at your side ... not someone else's husband...... you don't need to settle Dela. YOU hold the cards ..... Don't let this experience determine who you become. Better days are ahead of you.

[HappyAgain2014]

We talked today, he realized he doesn t have the resources to end his marriage (now...), that if something changes he knows where to find me...

 

Well, so be it...

 

Make sure all he finds is a closed door.

[LimeBlue]

So if i get a chance i will just ask him "are u going to divorce or not?" If the answer is no or other bull****, i m out!!!

 

The problem with asking him if he is going to divorce ,is that you will most likely be met with a word salad in response (Google it). He won't give you a straight up answer and even if he does his actions say otherwise. Your MM and my MM are cut from the same cloth. Neither of them are leaving.

 

I even have to listen to my MM talk about "trading one for the other" and that he doesn't know if I would be a "trade up".

 

Both you and I Dela need to work our way through this and come out the other side better people. However, right now, I haven't a clue where to start with getting over this man. It sucks.

Edited January 5, 2016 by LimeBlue

[Dela]

NC DAY 1

 

Feeling ok-ish, a bit angry and bleah. No crying for today(yet)... I keep cursing him in my mind lol. Well, i need coffee. Good morning. How is everyone else doing?

 

Hugs

[MJJean]

Morning, Dela. I'm not awake yet. Need coffee. I hope you have a good day. Stay strong. You can do this!

[Brokenlady]

Leaving the door open and presenting it like he's doing you some big favor - I know where you are if I change my mind. Classic jerky behavior. He's awfully confident you'll be there waiting. Barf. Good for you for seeing what he's doing. I recommend this book, which helped me tremendously when I left my jerk face:

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984172807/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_zM8IwbN0437KM

[Dela]

Leaving the door open and presenting it like he's doing you some big favor - I know where you are if I change my mind. Classic jerky behavior. He's awfully confident you'll be there waiting. Barf. Good for you for seeing what he's doing. I recommend this book, which helped me tremendously when I left my jerk face:

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984172807/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_zM8IwbN0437KM

 

 

Thanks. i will try to order it. and yes, he kind of leave the door cracked just a little, lol. He could still say "I still don t know what to do"!! omg, seriously? cuz i see u know, u re dumping me. that s some kind of action afteral, is it? ))

well, i m going to have some fun when he comes back with more b.u.l.l.s.h.i.t.

[yodelwithyu]

Dela, sweetheart, some of the MMs we talk about on here really are bad seeds. But you have yourself a full grown sh*t bush.

 

As others have said before, he had the perfect out, when he knew about his wife's affair but she didn't know about his, but he didn't take it. You KNOW you are not a bar ho. Don't let him make you into one or make you feel like it. Ever.

 

Xoxo

[Dela]

Dela, sweetheart, some of the MMs we talk about on here really are bad seeds. But you have yourself a full grown sh*t bush.

 

As others have said before, he had the perfect out, when he knew about his wife's affair but she didn't know about his, but he didn't take it. You KNOW you are not a bar ho. Don't let him make you into one or make you feel like it. Ever.

 

Xoxo

 

 

 

thanks so much

 

this was his answer when i specifically asked IF we r taking a break or if it s really over (i asked specifically because in october when he came back, he told me he just needed some time and he should have said it like that, blah blah)

so, his answer

 

"i think it s the safest if we bahave as it s over. if it s meant to be, and my conclusions will be in this direction, i know to find you. but to put temporary hold means creating some expectations that could be proven wrong and i don t want that"

after this, i told him 2 times that well, we will probably don t talk again and if he has something to say, to just say it, (he didn t tell me yes or no about talking again), he just said he s sorry and torn and that s all he has to say, AT LEAST FOR NOW! wtf...

Edited January 5, 2016 by Dela
quote

[Midwestmissy]

It's not very attractive, manly or sexy to watch a grown man behave like a complete wimp. I'd love to use harsh language, but I get in trouble here. He's using word salad to make you feel like you have a chance, when in fact he wants you to sit tight with your legs closed while he puts out fires at home and reads up on becoming a better cheater.

 

He is not leaving her. He loves her and wants to stay married to her. He makes her seem like a monster so you might feel bad and want to stick around. If he's the prize in this contest, it's time to make a clean break. He's so terrified of looking at himself he juggles with drama to distract himself. By not being up front with you, he doesn't have to make a decision. You will be replaced once you leave for good - his void can't be filled until he gets help. This guy is seriously effed up.

[Sassy Girl]

thanks so much

 

this was his answer when i specifically asked IF we r taking a break or if it s really over (i asked specifically because in october when he came back, he told me he just needed some time and he should have said it like that, blah blah)

so, his answer

 

"i think it s the safest if we bahave as it s over. if it s meant to be, and my conclusions will be in this direction, i know to find you. but to put temporary hold means creating some expectations that could be proven wrong and i don t want that"

after this, i told him 2 times that well, we will probably don t talk again and if he has something to say, to just say it, (he didn t tell me yes or no about talking again), he just said he s sorry and torn and that s all he has to say, AT LEAST FOR NOW! wtf...

 

Why does he get to decide? Why have you given him all your power?

 

You are allowed to end this yourself. You should. Block everything so he can't come back. Make that decision for YOU. F**k him. Seriously.

[Brokenlady]

It's not very attractive, manly or sexy to watch a grown man behave like a complete wimp. I'd love to use harsh language, but I get in trouble here. He's using word salad to make you feel like you have a chance, when in fact he wants you to sit tight with your legs closed while he puts out fires at home and reads up on becoming a better cheater.

 

He is not leaving her. He loves her and wants to stay married to her. He makes her seem like a monster so you might feel bad and want to stick around. If he's the prize in this contest, it's time to make a clean break. He's so terrified of looking at himself he juggles with drama to distract himself. By not being up front with you, he doesn't have to make a decision. You will be replaced once you leave for good - his void can't be filled until he gets help. This guy is seriously effed up.

 

Yes! To first paragraph. As to the second - he doesn't love his wife, or anyone. He's not capable. This is about evening the score with his cheating wife. He wants her to want him. He wanted to get caught and sure enough he was. narcissistic rage power move. He successfully made wife as insecure as she made him. He got his power back so until wife catches on to his baloney, he doesn't need dela. He's not done trying to manipulate dela. These kind of clowns never are. They cannot handle rejection and the second she ****s him down he'll get all desperate.

[whatatangledweb]

I see him as telling her he MIGHT come back in the future so she doesn't tell his wife everything. It is him trying to control everything including Dela.

[LimeBlue]

thanks so much

 

this was his answer when i specifically asked IF we r taking a break or if it s really over (i asked specifically because in october when he came back, he told me he just needed some time and he should have said it like that, blah blah)

so, his answer

 

"i think it s the safest if we bahave as it s over. if it s meant to be, and my conclusions will be in this direction, i know to find you. but to put temporary hold means creating some expectations that could be proven wrong and i don t want that"

 

As I said in another post somewhere else on these forumsites (can't remember if it was this thread), your MM and mine are cut from the same cloth and this proves it. They are masters at word salads. You will NEVER get a straight and honest answer from him, nor will I from my MM.

 

It dawned on me yesterday that not only do I need to work on getting past him, but I need to come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I try, he is not ever going to be honest with me nor give me an honest answer. Everything I ask is always met with a word salad. Everything. Perhaps if you think back you will see the same pattern from your MM.

 

I still don't know how to get past it all though. I'm hoping that by acknowledging this, it will help the process.

[LimeBlue]

It's not very attractive, manly or sexy to watch a grown man behave like a complete wimp. I'd love to use harsh language, but I get in trouble here. He's using word salad to make you feel like you have a chance, when in fact he wants you to sit tight with your legs closed while he puts out fires at home and reads up on becoming a better cheater.

 

He is not leaving her. He loves her and wants to stay married to her. He makes her seem like a monster so you might feel bad and want to stick around. If he's the prize in this contest, it's time to make a clean break. He's so terrified of looking at himself he juggles with drama to distract himself. By not being up front with you, he doesn't have to make a decision. You will be replaced once you leave for good - his void can't be filled until he gets help. This guy is seriously effed up.

 

This is my MM to a tee.

[seren]

Hi Dela, I have just read your posts and others you have written. I hope you are feeling OK today and that each day has you moving forward, not looking back, not trying to second guess what the MM meant or how his wife is or isn't. I hope that you take from this experience that you are in control of your life, that you cannot change what has happened, but you can control how you move on. You are just 26, you should have the World at your feet with plans for your future that don't rely on another making decisions that will affect you, but not include you.

 

When I read posts like this I feel so old, I am nearly 59 so maybe a little old, but, I have learned that I will never knowingly be second to anyone. I hope you never ever allow someone to make you feel it is OK to knowingly share. Love doesn't work that way. Don't let someone hide you or make you out to be someone you aren't. I hope you can move forward, cut all contact, heal and then get on with your life with confidence and understanding that you are someone's first prize, to be loved and cherished. Take care of you x seren

[Dela]

thanks so much for your posts

 

i feel ok-ish, DAY 2 NC, i actually got some clients for therapy and i have appointments this week and i m thinking about their cases and how can i help them (i know i m in a ****ty place now with my own life, but i do very well fixing others, lol). It should help me focus on my work and myself, and well, MM can go f.u.c.k. himself.

 

i now realize how much of myself i left behind and put on hold for the last months-year just because i was involved in his problems, always worrying about him and trying to FIX him and his drama.

 

and for what? who i was protecting? he knows i won t tell his wife the whole truth, so that s not why he left the door open. but look who i was protecting and supporting!! a man who didn t think twice about dumping me like i m some kind of garbage, like i didn t mean anything! he doesn t deserve me! noneof these MM deserve us. I used to feel worthless, like oh why he dumped me, is it something wrong with me? Feeling worthless is the worst!

But i realized i am not worthless! Maybe he is!

 

Hugs, Girls

[sandylee1]

Dela .. you'll be just fine in the end. Just keep telling yourself you're one hell of a catch for the right guy. Deep down you know the kind of life and future you want ..... get your old self back and you'll be so much happier.

[Brokenlady]

thanks so much for your posts

 

i feel ok-ish, DAY 2 NC, i actually got some clients for therapy and i have appointments this week and i m thinking about their cases and how can i help them (i know i m in a ****ty place now with my own life, but i do very well fixing others, lol). It should help me focus on my work and myself, and well, MM can go f.u.c.k. himself.

 

i now realize how much of myself i left behind and put on hold for the last months-year just because i was involved in his problems, always worrying about him and trying to FIX him and his drama.

 

and for what? who i was protecting? he knows i won t tell his wife the whole truth, so that s not why he left the door open. but look who i was protecting and supporting!! a man who didn t think twice about dumping me like i m some kind of garbage, like i didn t mean anything! he doesn t deserve me! noneof these MM deserve us. I used to feel worthless, like oh why he dumped me, is it something wrong with me? Feeling worthless is the worst!

But i realized i am not worthless! Maybe he is!

 

Hugs, Girls

 

Stay strong and remind yourself as often as you need to what he really is and that he cannot and will not ever change. Accepting that makes it so much easier to let it all go.