notmakingsense Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 My ex and I are in a sort of "just friends" status right now -- having recently talked about how she wishes to date others. Well, we hung out last Monday (things got steamy btw!), but I did find out she has a date this weekend. I'm not sure if it is tonight or tomorrow. My current plan, which isn't working so well, is to stay in low-contact because she has told me that she loves me and that "you never know, we just may work out, and have a good chance" -- she's never really dated much out of her long marriage/divorce, and wants to make sure about what she wants before settling down. So -- I'm just venting, and need some support, because I'm riddled with anxiety and spend waaaay too much time pining after her and thinking about my loss. I'm trying to just live my life... I've even posted my profile on a dating site, etc..... but I'm finding that my heart still belongs with her. However, I want to get to a mental state where I don't "need" her, but I want to contact her just enough to let her know that she's still important to me. Anyway, back to this weekend. I don't have any plans, and will be alone -- so thanks to all of you on LS -- I may need to rely on you this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Yep, that's tough. Hang in there buddy. Since you're not really ready to date elsewhere, maybe you should start doing activities. You know, fun things, things with friends or to make friends, or self-improvement. Anything to rebuild your life and you, without her as a focus. I've gotta be honest with you - from the little I've heard, I'd give your chances of success less than 50/50. Your best hope is to pull away, make yourself a little scarce, make her wonder what she's missing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 Thanks Reluctant, you are right. I am trying to pull back now and focus on myself -- it does me no good to keep up too much hope for this situation. Easier said than done though! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 NMS- I guess I just don't really understand her. Here we are in basically the same situation- I was married for a long time- new to the dating scene but yet I totally know that my bf is the man for me. No need to go out and sow any wild oats (not that he would probably put up with it if I wanted to). I totally believe that when you know the person is the right one for you- then there is no angling. It seems like what she's doing is waiting around to see if there is anything better out there. As long as you guys have been together she should know by now. I'm not sitting around thinking about what I'm missing by being committed to him. I know you love her like mad but I'd say you're chances for her wising up are less than 25%. You're a great guy- don't you think you deserve a woman who loves you and is into you as much as you are to her??? PS- You can find great sex anywhere- and I think alot of that is what you're hung up on in the first place- the sexual chemistry between the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 Mz Pixie, as always, you are right on the mark. It doesn't come across so well in these posts, but I am doing better, pulling back much farther than before, and I have now been out on a date with another woman. It will take me much longer because I'm still in contact with her, but I do know that over time, I will be able to detach. The process will quicken when/if she meets another. Well, just to keep things interesting, she called me up today and invited me to lunch. As always, we had a great time. We talked (well, kidded really) about how her "head is up her ass" about wanting to keep things to a non-exclusive dating relationship with me. Except this time, she knows that I have my profile up, and she is now asking me questions about it all the time. Also, it seems that whenever she talks about how she needs to do this, tears well up in her eyes. After lunch, she hugged me (I didn't initiate), and she kissed me deeply and we talked about just how great we are together. Aaaaaargh.. she is such a conflicted person! This experience is going to make me a stronger person, I'm convinced of it. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Let's hope she didn't give you the kiss of death. Low contact? I bail as soon as a girl starts acting funny, regardless of whether she tears up or not. One long kiss at the end? Whatever (compared to what you used to get). It's called self-preservation, buddy. This experience will make you stronger only if it doesn't kill you first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 Yeah, and it just might kill me! I put a post up in coping the other night about how I woke up from an anxiety attack! No sh*t! Yes, I know, I'm in a majorly p*ssy-whipped situation here, and I know it. It is just taking me time. E-mailing and (hopefully soon) dating others will help. Eventually (hopefully not that long from now), I'll be getting laid by another -- and I'm quite convinced I'll be able to a better job at just being friends. And, yes, she is friend material -- unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Yes, I know, I'm in a majorly p*ssy-whipped situation here, and I know it. Yep. But you're not getting any, so stop the "low contact." That's what married couples do. Link to post Share on other sites
seagirl Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 It sounds to me that she is trying to keep you at the ready "just in case" and I think you are too nice of a guy to let her do that. I hope the word "nice" doesn't offend you as it does so many other guys I think the advice of getting busy in activities is great maybe you will meet someone great that way. The added bonus is you already have something in common! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 westernxer -- But you're not getting any But -- in fact I am (or at least I did a few days ago).... but your point is well taken. seagirl -- I think the advice of getting busy in activities is great maybe you will meet someone great that way. The added bonus is you already have something in common! Yes -- this is great advice. I just need to think of stuff now! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense I just need to think of stuff now! Whatever you do, don't tell her. Let it eat her up inside, unless you're afraid of "hurting her." Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 Whatever you do, don't tell her. Let it eat her up inside, unless you're afraid of "hurting her." Yes, exactly. Whether she finds out or not, I'm starting to think that just me getting on with other things is eating her up.... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Some girls do this to emasculate us. They want to see how much of a pussycat we'll become. It's just a theory, but it holds water from my point of view, at least to a certain degree. Even the females who responded say it's strange... that's gotta tell you something. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Putting myself in her shoes, maybe it's possible? How long did you guys start dating after she got seperated/divorced? If she still hasnt gone through the grieving phase of the divorce, she might not know exactly what she wants and is scared to commit? Mind you this is pure speculation since I havent found anyone to be interested in. If you guys were seeing each other exclusively for a while, and then she says she doesnt want it, then somethings up Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 I think there is truth to what Westernxer is saying -- I'm finding that she's trying to keep in touch with me *just a little harder* now that I'm acting more independant. dgiirl -- this is an interesting point. We got together about 1 year after her divorce. However, before me, there was a rebound relationship that started immediately after her divorce, and ended about 3 months before me. As far as us, we have been sleeping together exclusively for about 1.5 years, but all during that time, she has kept herself at a distance (i.e. not a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) and from time to time, has gone on a few dates with others. I do think she's confused to some extent. I think it is a combination of (a) she's commitment phobic from a marriage where he cheated repeatedly, (b) I am far less wealthy than she's used to -- and she often thinks about how we would pull-off a marriage, and © She is used to men that are more of a "type-A" personality than I am. We've talked about these issues -- and in spite of them, she'll say that "things are so good between us, why do I have my head up my ass?" I made matters worse by chasing her hard, getting all serious, and not giving her space. Every time I did this -- that's when wed sort-of "break up" (for lack of a better term), and she'd start going out more and seeing others. Finally, whenever we are close (even up until this last week), she tells me she loves me -- that we'll always have a special bond, etc. So, I really do think she's conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
strange love Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Look the thing thats always worked for me is being interested then not interested. And due to my psychological make up, weird faces that I make and moodiness thats not tough sometimes it kicks in on its own. Plus the fact that I probably have a-d-d. Kiss of death no I dont think so. But you could have did a dramatic leave.. like pushed her away halfway through it. Then she would be thinking of you most of the time through that date. Why dont you tell her you think your not ready for a relationshop next time she grabs you. And plus remember this most of the time women say one thing do another..... So bugger off, become hard to reach and see what happens..dont answer every phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 strange love -- Why dont you tell her you think your not ready for a relationshop next time she grabs you This would be so great if I could do that!!! I have been trying to get myself to this point -- but it is slow going. Look, I'm coming from a needy/clingly place, and I'm now at the point where I don't call her all the time The next step is to get to where you are saying -- to actually push her away. To do this, I need to get more involved in other parts of my life, and yes, go out and meet a few women so I don't feel like it would be the end of the earth if I lose her. But yeah, easy for me to say.... I've got a ways to go yet. And plus remember this most of the time women say one thing do another..... This is soooo true. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense I do think she's confused to some extent. I think it is a combination of (a) she's commitment phobic from a marriage where he cheated repeatedly, (b) I am far less wealthy than she's used to -- and she often thinks about how we would pull-off a marriage, and © She is used to men that are more of a "type-A" personality than I am. We've talked about these issues -- and in spite of them, she'll say that "things are so good between us, why do I have my head up my ass?" She's settling for you, that's why her head's up her ass. Plus she doesn't have the guts to live life without someone, anyone, even if she doesn't love them. Since she's too chicken to make a decision, make it for her by dumping her ass. Given that you're one of her rebounds, is her last name Barkley? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 Given that you're one of her rebounds, is her last name Barkley? LOL -- one of Barkley's rebounds? I don't even follow basketball much, and I'm cracking up! She's settling for you, that's why her head's up her ass. Plus she doesn't have the guts to live life without someone, anyone, even if she doesn't love them. Since she's too chicken to make a decision, make it for her by dumping her ass. This is harsh to hear, but you are probably right. She's settling, that freaks her out, so she pulls back. Then, when I pull back, the freaks out because she might lose me. If I were a stronger man, I'd have already dumped her. Sh*t -- that's why I'm on LoveShack, right? Many of us here have a lot to learn and grow before we can actually do something we need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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