My husband and his sisters are planning my divorce!

[RSAgirl]

Hi all, new member here, please to meet you. I am looking for words of wisdom please: I have been married for 4 years this year and our marriage has always been a bit rocky. He works in the oil field and is on a 5 week on 5 week of rotation schedule. He has two older sisters whom is very close with, a bit too much for my liking. These two absolutely hate me because they cannot control me. Well, in saying that, they convinced my husband that I was bi-polar. I knew I was not and went to a doc who confirmed that I was indeed not! Still, he takes their word as the truth. I have learnt to live with the two (both unmarried and in early 50's) but tonight has taken the cake: I found messages on his phone between him and his eldest sister where they are discussing the 'plan' they came up with on the 1st of January this year when they all went out for a movie (I never get asked along). The plan was to file for divorce once he was back at work again.........I am speechless.......just the night before we had an amazing night together, laughing, having fun and being silly.

 

 

I have no idea what to do now. The other sister is stopping by tomorrow to make sure he is still on track with the plan.

 

 

I feel like being sick.........continuously!!

[sandylee1]

If your marriage is sound, why would he divorce you and for what reason? I question why you want to remain married to a man without a backbone... that discusses divorce plans with his sisters prior to you knowing anyway...

 

Something isn't right at all.... do you have a good emotional connection with him? A good sexife? What qualifications do they have to disgnose you as Bipolar? What behaviour have you displayed that would make them say it? It can't just be you not listening and obeying them.

 

Protect yourself financially .. see a family lawyer and get screenshots as evidence. Talk 50 percent of the money from your joint savings account.

[basil67]

You say that your marriage is "a bit rocky". Just how rocky are we talking?

 

I'm wondering if your husband confides in his sisters about the issues that the two of you are having. If he's complaining to them about you, it would easily explain their dislike of you and the plans for divorce.

 

Anyway, the fact that your husband is in on all this is the important thing. This isn't just your sisters in law conspiring against you - he's involved in the whole thing. You need to talk with him

[PegNosePete]

Unfortunately if his mind is made up that he wants a divorce, then there is nothing you can do to prevent that. You can't force someone to remain married against their wishes. All you can do is to make sure you land on your feet when the dust settles. That means being prepared, seeking legal advice, and planning your finances.

[RSAgirl]

Thank you all for your answers - I appreciate the time you took! Let me give a bit more background to try and make it all clearer:

 

 

He suffers from depression and him and his younger sister have a very co-dependent relationship. He phones her every night to say goodnight and they talk at least 3 times a day. I don't have this with my family so it was a bit weird to me how close they were. His sisters haven't liked me from the get go. He was my second marriage and I entered into it with far less material stuff than he has. The sisters thought/think that I am after his money and made me sign a prenup which stated that we were married out of community of property without accrual - we were married in South Africa so I am not sure if you guys know these terms? It basically means that whatever we entered the marriage with remains ours individually and whatever we bought during our marriage also remains ours individually. So nobody can lay claim to anything. When he asked me to move in with him, I pretty much sold everything as he said I didn't need anything and that he would never kick me out. Well, since being married, he has kicked me out probably 10 times already!

 

 

By rocky I mean we argue. Or rather, we did argue. For example: he had a fling with a girl at work. When I found out, I had a severe nervous breakdown. He to this day defends his little outing saying it was my fault because I wasn't fun anymore and she was somebody he could talk to. I stopped trying to talk to him about certain topics, like babies, as they are a no go area and dare I say something he starts yelling at me or gets physical. Again, he says that I force him to hit me because I aggravate him. Since then I have been to therapy, gone on medication done everything that he expected of me and still its not enough. We were actually making a teensy bit of progress just before I found out of these plans him and his sisters had for me. Yes, he does complain to them about me and yes, he is in on everything. I was told I should go to marriage counselling and him and his sisters would gladly also talk to the therapist about me if needed. I have never in my life needed therapy and although I am an emotional type of person, I have never ever been told that I have some sort of mental illness, not to mention doubting myself and feeling so worthless as I do now.

 

 

I have an 8 year old girl from my previous marriage who lives with us. He is basically the father figure - he real dad she only sees twice a year for holidays. He flat out ignores her when we argue - this has caused some serious damage as she acts out in class because of it. Even though I have told him so many times to please not yell at me in front of her, he still does it. Emotionally, he is completely dead.

 

 

Tonight another blow: my brother has been diagnosed with emphysema and he already needs oxygen. I was devastated when I got the news . Just before the call, he was yelling at me again when I asked him to explain what I did wrong and where I faulted as I didn't understand how he can say at our xmas dinner that I have made his house a home and on the 1st of January he plots my exit! He didn't have an answer, just yelled that I would never change. He then started to pack an overnight bag for himself.

 

 

When the news of my brother came, I broke down in tears and begged him to not leave as I really needed him now. He looked at me and said I feel nothing for your brother and left.

 

 

I have tried phoning him but he isn't taking my calls. Honestly, I don't think that there is anything left to say except start arranging for some legal help.

[basil67]

I'm glad you realise that arranging legal help is the only thing left. Your marriage sounds really horrible and not at all worth saving. Ending it is the right thing to do.

 

Do you have family or friends to give you moral support?

[Tayla]

pre nup signed by a judge ? in which you both received separate counsel?

Amuse me and tell me that you are both educated in law to compose it in accordance with the laws of that area? I doubt it, but it does add that unknown what if eh?

 

Without a reality check to verify this set of tales, I'll leave you with some wisdom. Be true to yourself and follow the truth. It will always open doors.

[SoleMate]

Honestly given how cruel he has been to you, divorce may be a best case outcome. It's not really his sisters who are the problem. It's him. Please protect your daughter and yourself. Hugs.

[sandylee1]

What a terrible situation.

 

 

He's kicked you out 10 times !!

 

He beats you and yells at you please get away from him.

 

If I were you... I'd pack my stuff and leave while he's away. He does not care about you or love you. You're allowing your daughter to see this as well.

 

He's abusive.. you need to get away from him.

[Downtown]

RSAgirl (aka, Republic of South Africa), the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal and physical abuse, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, low empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Dare I say something he starts yelling at me or gets physical. Again, he says that I force him to hit me because I aggravate him.

How serious were the instances of his physically abusing you? I ask because the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse by a male adult is strongly associated with that adult having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

If your H is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

He has kicked me out probably 10 times already!

BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships -- like yours, Status -- experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

He suffers from depression....

A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 75% of BPDers suffer from a co-occurring mood disorder (including depression) and that 32% of BPDers suffer from Major Depressive Disorder.

 

I have no idea what to do now.

Your immediate need, of course, is to speak with a good attorney. I also suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I further suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance -- and may help you decide whether to allow him to spend any time with your young D8 following the divorce. Take care, RSAgirl.

[66Charger]

Bipolar me ask.

 

Your husband struck you several times. He is not bipolar. He is a wife beater.

This "man" has no honor. You need to accept this divorce and get ruthless. There is nothing to save here.

 

He is a coward and deserves nothing. If he was in the USA and you could proven he hits you, he would get nothing. A pox on him and his sisters too.

 

Time to wake up. Look in the mirror. Protect yourself...in every way.

 

Strength and Honor

[dreamingoftigers]

Get out now!

 

You have a daughter!

 

He cheats, he abuses you physically, he is trying to make you sound "crazy" even though he is outright abusing you!

 

Get out ASAP. He takes ZERO responsibility for his SCREWED-UP actions.

 

I know it hurts REALLY bad and you would probably want to try to save it. It is very self-destructive to do it. It will degrade your self-esteem further and out you and your daughter at greater physical risk.

 

Read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" for clarification

But please GET OUT.

 

His sisters are the least of your concerns.

 

Get legal help. I am willing to bet your pre-nup isn't even legally binding.

[66Charger]

If you can prove physical abuse, your prenup goes in the garbage. Get a lawyer. Today

[RSAgirl]

Thank you for your words of wisdom and recommendations. Somehow, having people out there, even though we don't know each other, helps a great deal. I am going to read the recommendations and also, thanks to your virtual support, have gained some courage to end this. I know I will have down days and strong days, but I know that in time, I shall be me again!

[Radu]

This is an abusive marriage relationship and despite how bad you think it will be for your daughter to lose a father figure, understand that he is abusing both you and her.

It's called emotional abuse.

 

Thank you all for your answers - I appreciate the time you took! Let me give a bit more background to try and make it all clearer:

 

 

He suffers from depression and him and his younger sister have a very co-dependent relationship. He phones her every night to say goodnight and they talk at least 3 times a day. I don't have this with my family so it was a bit weird to me how close they were. His sisters haven't liked me from the get go. He was my second marriage and I entered into it with far less material stuff than he has. The sisters thought/think that I am after his money and made me sign a prenup which stated that we were married out of community of property without accrual - we were married in South Africa so I am not sure if you guys know these terms? It basically means that whatever we entered the marriage with remains ours individually and whatever we bought during our marriage also remains ours individually. So nobody can lay claim to anything. When he asked me to move in with him, I pretty much sold everything as he said I didn't need anything and that he would never kick me out. Well, since being married, he has kicked me out probably 10 times already!

OK, so you signed a (verbal) contract that he himself broke repeatedly.

 

 

By rocky I mean we argue. Or rather, we did argue. For example: he had a fling with a girl at work. When I found out, I had a severe nervous breakdown. He to this day defends his little outing saying it was my fault because I wasn't fun anymore and she was somebody he could talk to.

This is called blameshifting, throwing it on you.

Both in the couple are responsible 50:50 for the state of the relationship, but the affair is 100% on him, it was his choice.

 

I stopped trying to talk to him about certain topics, like babies, as they are a no go area and dare I say something he starts yelling at me or gets physical. Again, he says that I force him to hit me because I aggravate him. Since then I have been to therapy, gone on medication done everything that he expected of me and still its not enough.

So he hits you and you are the one who has to go to therapy ?

 

We were actually making a teensy bit of progress just before I found out of these plans him and his sisters had for me. Yes, he does complain to them about me and yes, he is in on everything. I was told I should go to marriage counselling and him and his sisters would gladly also talk to the therapist about me if needed. I have never in my life needed therapy and although I am an emotional type of person, I have never ever been told that I have some sort of mental illness, not to mention doubting myself and feeling so worthless as I do now.

Therapy is not for mental illness only.

 

But as we are on the subject, depression is (controversially) considered a form of mental illness.

And quite frankly, his 'unhealthy' way of acting, reeks of Personality Disorder of some kind (at least the elements), and the only cure for that is to cut that toxic person from your life.

 

I have an 8 year old girl from my previous marriage who lives with us. He is basically the father figure - he real dad she only sees twice a year for holidays. He flat out ignores her when we argue - this has caused some serious damage as she acts out in class because of it. Even though I have told him so many times to please not yell at me in front of her, he still does it. Emotionally, he is completely dead.

He is not dead, he is holding it back untill you give in, and he is holding back emotionally completely to hurt you and your daughter until you give in.

It's a passive-agressive manipulation tactic, and quite frankly, the way it is done to your daughter (you too but your daughter is defenseless and more innocent), is pure and simple abuse.

Doesn't matter how you call it, psychological, emotional .... it is abuse.

 

So not only is there physical abuse, verbal abuse (yelling at no-go subjects, making you feel like walking on eggshells and getting anxiety when thinking/talking of them), but also emotional/psychological abuse.

 

 

Tonight another blow: my brother has been diagnosed with emphysema and he already needs oxygen. I was devastated when I got the news . Just before the call, he was yelling at me again when I asked him to explain what I did wrong and where I faulted as I didn't understand how he can say at our xmas dinner that I have made his house a home and on the 1st of January he plots my exit! He didn't have an answer, just yelled that I would never change. He then started to pack an overnight bag for himself.

It's not just him though, you also married his sisters, who see other women in his life as an enemy. And there are two of them, you and your daughter.

 

When the news of my brother came, I broke down in tears and begged him to not leave as I really needed him now. He looked at me and said I feel nothing for your brother and left.

 

I have tried phoning him but he isn't taking my calls. Honestly, I don't think that there is anything left to say except start arranging for some legal help.

Do it pronto and see if there are witnesses to his behaviour or if it has been documented in some way.

This guy is a very good emotional manipulator.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Radu

[TaraMaiden2]

This sounds terrible.

[Radu]

I don't know how to call this, but it is a manipulation tactic, which is key to your husband's method and i think you need to understand fully.

 

Picture this in your mind, a handshake, that is a relationship, and in general, both ppl put in about the same amount of resources into it (or effort).

But one of the partners starts pulling back, what does the other do ?; they start putting more in, so the relationship goes from 50:50 (or around there) to 75:25.

Sometimes this happens because the partner who has to pull back is in a problem, maybe depressed, maybe tragedy struck them and because relationships are supposed to be a partnership, in a way he/she leans on the other for support (they put in the relationship more), albeit temporarily.

 

What your husband learned at an early age is that if he causes these situations, he can hold the relationship hostage untill his partner gives in.

When the partner (you) gives in, the relationship is essentially renegociated, and slowly, you end up being the one who puts in 75%, with him the rest, and that becomes the new 'normal' state.

Not only is your husband used to going on these emotional dryspells but there are 2 other factors that compound this problem and work against you :

- he does it to your daughter too, and you are an emotional person (in your own words), which i assume means you like having emotional contact with your SO

- he still has a large emotional supply outside your marriage, his sisters

 

At this point, and knowing full well that it has worked in the past, your husband is very confident in his position.

If you try to reason with him, to plead with him, you are only reinforcing his opinion and providing him even a mild ego boost because your pleas go straight against his very well prepared defenses.

The only way to win this game (because it is a game to this brat ... i use the word brat despite his age because he acts like a spoiled brat), is to stop playing the game.

 

Go and talk to lawyers, make it seem like you haven't figured this stuff out, by continuing to plead, and move forward with the divorce.

Once he realizes you will initiate divorce and have contingency plans for it, including explaining to your daughter (when the D-bomb hits, not before as she will probably inform him ... she's a child), he will come to you.

He will not come to you to fix this, or move on, or have a happy family with you.

Given enough time, he will still divorce you because that is the natural course of this relationship he has, but he wants that divorce to happen on his terms, not on yours.

If it happens on his terms, he has won (because it is him that doesn't want you), if it happens on your terms (if you don't want him), he has lost.

[LimeBlue]

This marriage does not sound worth saving. Find a good attorney and set the wheels in motion to get out.

[Downtown]

Bipolar me ask. Your husband struck you several times. He is not bipolar.

Charger, nobody has claimed that the H is bipolar. The only mention of that term is RSAgirl's comment (post #1) that the H accused HER of being bipolar.