How can I forgive?

[Ariel2006]

About three years ago my BF and I met at a weird time in our life. He was hurt by his EX gf and met me, developed feelings for me, but never cleared up his past. After out first year together he broke up with me because he had been with the other girl many years, and with me one year, and because they never officially ended he still had feelings for her too…

 

He broke up with her mutually due to differences they had regarding location, jobs, etc. An he came back to me.

 

Since then we have been together another 2 years. Totaling 3 years.

 

Our relationship has improved and he seems to focus on us 100% compared to our first year where he was lost.

 

My problem is I can't help forget how I got hurt when he left me for her. I can't get it out of my mind. I can't help but think he will do it again (although he isn't). I create scenarios and make **** up to see if he will crack and tell me he still loves her.. I don't know how to control this. I feel like he loves me, but I'm scared he will just hurt me again. Even though our relationship is 3 years going onto 4 and he's so much happier and giving me much more attention an care.

 

How can I forgive and move on? How can I stop stalking the EX to see if he's hiding things from me. I've turned crazy and I hide it from him. The other day I saw a notification on his phone and thought it was a girl (her) and asked him and he said to me "why can't you just trust me" he literally showed me it's not her.

 

I become okay for 3 weeks, and then the 4th week I break down each month with scenarios that something is going on when nothing is…

 

He has moved on from his relationship. And I have a hard time accepting it, and am ruining my relationship because I was hurt

 

I am sorry if I sound immature, this is just my 1st real relationship, and I've never been through this.

 

Any suggestions Please don't be mean.

[Maggie4]

Look at how he handled things that first time he left you to go back to her. Was he sneaky, lying? Was he unnecessarily cruel? (here you have to really be honest with yourself: did he let you know but you didn't want to believe? you felt pain because it didn't work out, but was he really insensitive? )

 

If he was sneaky and cruel, it is who he is, it's not just the circumstances. In that case, no wonder you don't trust him. Do you really want to stay with this guy?

 

If he behaved well, was honest with you, tried to protect your feelings, you should try to remember that.

[Mrin]

Tough spot. The one thing I will point out is that this is cyclical. Every month. Does that ring a bell? Makes total sense though. You're teetering on the edge. Hormone swings can totally push you over.

 

Right now you're in a perpetual coping mode. Maybe you should think about what the two of you can do to sort of reset the field. Get you to a place where you're not on the edge. If you can think of something - come to him with a plan. A suggestion. Let him know what the payoff is - like not having neurotic GF. Make it about both of you. Not just him.

 

Best of luck!

[justwhoiam]

When he got back to you, have you ever faced the issue? Have you set down your rules? Or you just accepted him back with no questions asked?

 

Having decisively broken up with his ex over 3 years ago, your boyfriend is more exposed to a new flame than to his ex-girlfriend.

[dreamingoftigers]

Tough spot. The one thing I will point out is that this is cyclical. Every month. Does that ring a bell? Makes total sense though. You're teetering on the edge. Hormone swings can totally push you over.

 

Right now you're in a perpetual coping mode. Maybe you should think about what the two of you can do to sort of reset the field. Get you to a place where you're not on the edge. If you can think of something - come to him with a plan. A suggestion. Let him know what the payoff is - like not having neurotic GF. Make it about both of you. Not just him.

 

Best of luck!

 

Hah. The cyclical thing reminds me of how my friend wants to divorce her husband every Ramadan (they fast during the day).

 

She gets so cranky with him the last five years. Then the rest of the time it's all about "what a great father he is. He totally takes care of us."

[emi]

I wouldnt blame you for feeling this way.

But girl, it has been 3 years now. U need to get help, therapy, travel somewhere. Do whatever it takes.

If u cant, end the relationship NOW. The more u sink into it it will get worst.

Stay strong . Post here if u need someone to talk to

[RySant]

Lesson? Never date a person still with emotional baggage. The trash will smell and it will affect you one way or another.

 

Have a good and honest talk. No B**S**, clear it once and for all.

[Trufita]

Poor thing... I understand you. It's not like it had never happened and you were making things up. I think I would feel just like you. But it's been a very long time, you can't keep living like this. My suggestion is that you talk about it, tell him you have problems getting over it, that you are still insecure, and that you need some reassurance.

 

But then, after that, you have to try really hard to let it go. It's in the past, and it could or could not happen again, but if you love this guy and he makes you happy, let time tell.

 

If, on the other hand, you are not happy, and you can't forgive him and love him, then you need to break up and try to find somebody else.

 

I hope you can make it work and you can get over it!

[Ariel2006]

Sorry everyone for the late response! Thank you all for talking to me and helping me.

 

I have had a final conversation over this with him. He told me the only way we are to ever end is if I don't stop acting this way. He wants to be with me, and I need to trust him. I can understand… me not trusting him or doubting constantly can be annoying.. I'm working on becoming a better me.

 

My other dilemma (random) with him is I'm not sure where he stands with marriage. Truthfully I am young. I am 23. I do not want to be engaged or married before the age of 26-27. I am not currently mature to be engaged or married now and hope to be by 26-27.

 

My BF clams up if I bring up marriage. He feels "pressured" and on the "spot." I'm starting to think it is not cause he doesn't love me .. it's cause that topic in general freaks him out A LOT. He like thinks I want to get married now…

 

We got into a mini fight about a week ago on this. I asked him in general "Do you ever want to get married in the future, doesn't have to be me, I'm just asking in general" He said "Marriage is not a priority to him right now, work and getting his life together is, and that marriage was never an importance to him" then I asked him to be cute "Do you want to be with me forever" he freaked out thinking I want a proposal now where I told him "calm down, I don't want to be married until I'm 26-27" and then he asked me "why that age?" (That made me seem like he was interested to some extent?)

 

At one point in our convo when I was angry I said "well since you don't want me forever and since our relationship won't ever expand, I see it as a dead end" He got very insulted by that comment…

 

The weird thing though is he seems like he does want to keep me around forever… One time when I was very insecure with something personal in my life I turned to him and said "I need to work on this on my own, because one day you may not be here, in the future." And he said that he will be. He even has said if he moves that I am coming with him…

 

How can I know though, that maybe he does want to marry me but is scared? He is almost 28 years old, but I do know his job is more important than marriage, as he said he needs to support before he can start a family he cannot support.

 

I'm still young, so I don't pressure him anymore.

 

Sorry everyone for these silly questions, but with my insecurities and being hurt, along with other personal issues in my life, I have hit a rough patch overanalyzing and thinking the worst.

 

I am trying something new now where I am not thinking about future but trying to focus on the now. Like my loving boyfriend who truthfully treats me great and makes me priority… I mean I know couples who are getting engaged, yet, they are not like us… they don't have what we have, even though they are more "serious"

[TMichaels]

Sorry, but are you in a LDR with this guy or not? It's not clear from what you've written what's the situation. Please clarify.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

I'm not sure where he stands with marriage.

[...]

My BF clams up if I bring up marriage. He feels "pressured" and on the "spot."

[...]

He said "[...] marriage was never an importance to him"

 

I am sorry but it doesn't sound good to me. There's no reason why a 28-year old guy has to end up in a fight or clam up because a subject like marriage has been brought up. Unless he's got issues or is trying to avoid telling you that he doesn't want to get married.

 

My ex-boyfriend didn't feel like getting married. He was pretty clear to me since the beginning. At first, I overlooked that. I was young, and thought he might change his mind later on. But as time went on, I realized he was inflexible on that. We eventually broke up. He's approaching his '50s right now and I know he never married. I did the right thing, as I knew I needed a different level of commitment. So you'd better walk away from him, if your values and ideas for the future clash so much. You'd be doing yourself a favor. Also, I wouldn't be able to last long with a man that is inflexible.

[Ariel2006]

I am sorry but it doesn't sound good to me. There's no reason why a 28-year old guy has to end up in a fight or clam up because a subject like marriage has been brought up. Unless he's got issues or is trying to avoid telling you that he doesn't want to get married.

 

My ex-boyfriend didn't feel like getting married. He was pretty clear to me since the beginning. At first, I overlooked that. I was young, and thought he might change his mind later on. But as time went on, I realized he was inflexible on that. We eventually broke up. He's approaching his '50s right now and I know he never married. I did the right thing, as I knew I needed a different level of commitment. So you'd better walk away from him, if your values and ideas for the future clash so much. You'd be doing yourself a favor. Also, I wouldn't be able to last long with a man that is inflexible.

 

 

I understand what you are saying (and truthfully consider that sometimes). Truth is his parents are divorced (which may be a reason he fears it). But I also know that he in no way wants to start a family if he is not financially stable. His priority is to become stable first and marriage I guess is not on top. Truth is he is working hard, so it's not like he is lazy.. I guess he wants a better life for him before he can make a next step and support a family if he cannot support himself fully yet…

 

I'm still young.. so nagging for marriage now.. I feel is making me look desperate… I think I should enjoy what I have now, and if he makes the next step when I feel ready (maybe he will too within the next 5 years) then everything will be ok. But if I am ready within the next five years (I'll be 24-28 years old), and he is not, then I am still young enough and mature enough to find someone else…

 

I know that he is 28, but he had an odd life, moving around a lot, so he never settled well or financially stable either… (it's a long story, he traveled the world). Now he is 28, and is trying to settle in one place, and be financially stable… (which seems positive). He has no problems discussing me being with him in the future, and never leaving me, and we even joked about kids a few times. I told him once as a joke "I plan to have five kids in the future" and he on his own said "no, only two"

 

I think he just feels pressured that I want marriage "now" but truth is I don't want marriage "now"

I'm the type of girl in general that whatever guy I date I imagine a future with (marriage kids etc) it's the way I am… even if we don't end up marrying (life happens, circumstances change) I think about this things… it makes me happy

[Ariel2006]

Sorry, but are you in a LDR with this guy or not? It's not clear from what you've written what's the situation. Please clarify.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I am so sorry, I didn't realize I posted in the wrong category.. I am new to this site, and have not used in much.. I made a mistake I apologize for the confusion!

[privategal]

I think you are not only not mature enough to be engaged, but I also don't think you are mature enough to date long term right now. Surely you realize he began dating you while he had not made a clean break from another.

So he hurt you, hurt her, and now he is not wanting to discuss marriage and clams up.

And you are testing him right and left with immature test statements like "You might not always be here.."

Right now, I would be dating, working on yourself, finding a career that makes you feel passionate, and just having fun.

You are with a guy who lowered your self esteem and that you don't trust.

When you are mature you learn not to ignore those red flags.

I would take some time to be alone right now.

Your 20's should be the time of your life. Who cares if sometimes he is a good guy. I don't think your dating your future husband.

So as long as you are with him, it blocks you from SOMEDAY meeting the one who says things like, I absolutely want to get married someday and Im glad you asked so we can talk about it more when the time is right, and its OKAY you are still hurting from being left, lets talk about that because I CARE to make it right and help you through feeling insecure.

Id be writing a Dear John letter. This guy isn't a keeper.

[justwhoiam]

Truth is his parents are divorced (which may be a reason he fears it). But I also know that he in no way wants to start a family if he is not financially stable. His priority is to become stable first and marriage I guess is not on top.

You're only fooling yourself. Even when a guy is not ready, you can tell if there's any desire for something. Like "One day I'll see the North Pole". Well, it's simply not there. But you can live day by day without ever bringing up the subject, until air gets too thick.