Should I give him a second chance?

[omomo]

I would appreciate opinions and directions from all of you. Thank you in advance!

 

Background:

5 years relationship. Friends before relationship. We were preparing for our marriage but my family was against it due to differences in ethnicity. Not a problem with me. We argued a lot. And wasn't communicating well. He became distant and asked for some time out for a month. During that he had been meeting guys and girls talking about his problems but not with me. One particular person he talked to was his female subordinate. It resulted in rumours of them going out together. I found out from a friend and confronted him. He said it was nothing special. He has no feelings for her and still loves me. Eventually he broke it off because he needed some time off. I have returned all his stuff to him and immediately started NC.

It hurt as hell. I felt betrayed even though he insisted it wasn't cheating because he has never professed any feelings for her. So, I moved on and Made great progress. Am hanging out with friends. Have guys interested in me. Started turning my passion into business.

 

He texted me on a weekly basis to check up on me. On which some i ignored and some i replied curtly. He called and wanted to meet up to which I wasn't available. 2 months after he said he wanted to get back together. He asked to meet up. We met up and talked. He said he was depressed because of the opposition in our marriage. He has been working on himself, journalling, doing music, went travelling and meeting people to talk about it and feel that he is in a much better position to shoulder this relationship. He proclaims that he still loves me and gave me back all his gifts to me that i have initially returned to him. I told him what i expect differently this time and that I do not like him hanging out with his female subordinates discussing about our problems and how I expect commitments this time. He was all in. I did not give any answer and said I would talk to him after new year. The time has arrived but I am still on the fence. During our good times, we really clicked. we both never cheated on each other. The thing I like about him is his honesty and loyalty. That is why the one time rumour really hurt me a lot. He is not an affectionate person and does not put in as much effort in our relationship which he said he would now. During the relationship, I was happy with him because we really do click and I was my truest self. I didn't feel the need to present a different self. We both travel well together and I do feel we could live together a long time despite my family's objection. (I am not close to my family even before this relationship) However, there are times in which I felt I was giving more in the relationship than I receive. I do not feel cherished because he never really remembers my birthday or does anything special because he is not a romantic. I do admit my part in the breakdown of the relationship. Communication wise it was bad. He said I wasn't listening well and he felt like towards the end he couldn't talk to me anymore. It's funny how NC really does give you a more objective look at the realtionship.

 

My question:

1. Should I get back together with him to rebuild this? I do not feel the same anymore. Love? Trust? Honestly, I'm still hurt by this whole ordeal. I have forgiven him a long time ago and hence able to move on. But I did not forget.

 

2. If someone says they will change and am working on it. Will it last? He has always been honest to me. I know he adores female admiration. He holds a authoritative position and is attractive but so am I; I was never insecure about it. But now that this has happened, I don't think I am as secure as before.

 

3. Any suggestion on how to proceed?

 

**writing this is therapeutic for me. I feel like somehow I'm conflicted because I am not ready for this reconciliation but do not want to miss out on a possible lasting LTR. Like I said the good times were great. But I am still hurt by this ordeal. I would love to hear your opinion!!

[Been]

Do you think he cheated on you?Because if he did then no. Once a cheater always a cheater. If not then maybe but you really need to find out if he did cheat or not because that's a deal breaker.

[samanil]

It sounds like it's worth another shot. You mentioned a lot of positive aspects to your relationship. I will admit I am biased: I am a guy who broke up with his long term girlfriend and now is trying to get back together with her. Sometimes guys get scared of commitment and need some time to sort things out in themselves. If things were good and worth salvaging, I think he deserves another chance.

[omomo]

Been, he has not been physically sexual or professed any romantic inclination towards the girl. This I got from him and information from some other trustworthy sources. He claims it was purely platonic but I think the girl has feelings for him.

 

Samanil, I'm sorry about your situation. I'd love to hear from your perspective because I feel that we are from opposing ends although our background circumstances might be different. Why did you break up and get back with her? I do not understand why my ex didn't want to work it out with me during the relationship. He needed time off to sort himself out but he only discarded me from his life. He kept his old friends and met new ones. Then, he came back. I kept on wondering. Wasn't I the source of problem initially? Why come back?

[Been]

If relationships require too much work then they aren't really worth it. But since you say he didn't cheat then maybe you should try again but I just get the feeling there is too much drama/work in this relationship for it to be successful.

[ExtraSpice]

For the most part I am in favor of second chances. Again this could be a biased stance similar to samanil but I have in the past given second chances. Some have worked out and some haven't. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

Do you have a fear that if you give him a chance and it doesn't work out you will be in a worse position than you are in now? Because if you feel like if things don't workout you would be able to handle it then what's the harm. Of course only you can make that decision.

 

If you do decide to give him a chance, I think it is important to understand that you cannot rekindle the relationship you had or get back the relationship you had. Damage has been done, which is difficult to reverse and difficult to overcome. But if you feel he is worthy of a second chance and he is honest about the effort he will make then this is the chance to start something new. You have the opportunity to lay down the guidelines, the boundaries. It is very possible that if you give him another chance you may end up with something beautiful in the end. But the possibility also exists that it may end up at the same place.

 

You know him better than us, so if you can deduce that he is being honest in his approach then maybe give it a shot. Totally my personal opinion.

[omomo]

Do you have a fear that if you give him a chance and it doesn't work out you will be in a worse position than you are in now? Because if you feel like if things don't workout you would be able to handle it then what's the harm. Of course only you can make that decision.

 

If you do decide to give him a chance, I think it is important to understand that you cannot rekindle the relationship you had or get back the relationship you had. Damage has been done, which is difficult to reverse and difficult to overcome.

 

This is exactly my worry. You put it down in words in ways I couldn't. I am afraid of hurting more from this if it didn't work out. And the old relationship is practically dead to me. There's so much uncertainty ahead so thanks for sparing some time to share your thoughts. You got me thinking in a different way.

[ExtraSpice]

It may be that it would be easier to just continue being broken up rather than trying again. But what is easier may not always be what is better.

 

I think you're reluctance and fear of ending up even more hurt is very reasonable. As I said my opinion may be biased as I am on the opposite end, waiting for a second chance. And sometimes I think it would be easier for my ex to just move on as opposed to trying again. I believe that it is worth another try but what I believe doesn't matter. She has to believe that it is worth another try. When I asked her for a second chance I told her clearly only to agree to it if she truly wants to.

 

A solid no is a lot better than a hesitant yes. There will always be uncertainty, just need to determine whether the amount is manageable or not.

 

Best of luck and keep us posted on what you decide.

[omomo]

It may be that it would be easier to just continue being broken up rather than trying again. But what is easier may not always be what is better.

 

Update:

I have decided with much deliberation to go into trying to work this out. I can confirm the first and second meeting wasn't easy. The transition stage is pretty awkward and there were a few issues unsettled that we have to face. I let him know my boundaries and what I expected this time. It was uncomfortable. The intimacy and trust is no longer the same. But I appreciate the honesty even though it's difficult to listen about my flaws. We talked about how poor we were at handling conflict. And how I felt he wasn't listening and how he felt I tried to change him to be a better listener even though he felt he was paying attention to me. I do not view our romantic relationship in the rose tinted glasses no more but I appreciate this opportunity to reboot.

 

I'm willing to try because I feel that this will equip me with better skills for my future romantic relationship, with or without him. So there you go!! It wasn't what I expected at all!!

[mrldii]

OP, I'm glad to read your update. I agree...you should give it another chance, but NOT to be a replay of what you two once were, but as a trial run to be something even bigger and better...which will take time to get over the hurt.

 

Oh, and put your marriage plans on hold for a bit. BOTH of you are different people than you were when you discussed marriage: you're different because of what you've gone through and he's different, because (according to him) he's become a different person with different realizations and different coping skills.

 

 

Best of luck to the two of you, whether you ultimately end up together or apart!

[basil67]

Hang on - before you give this another go, have you told your parents to mind their own business? If they don't like his ethnicity and keep interfering, it's all going to go bad again.

[omomo]

Hang on - before you give this another go, have you told your parents to mind their own business? If they don't like his ethnicity and keep interfering, it's all going to go bad again.

 

No, i haven't told my parents to do so because I'm still in the midst of trying to work it out with my boyfriend. And yes, when they do know, it would be another conflict to face but I do hope by then we would be better at handling this. I mean, I can't change my parents but I can change how I react to them. And hopefully he would do his part too.

[omomo]

OP, I'm glad to read your update. I agree...you should give it another chance, but NOT to be a replay of what you two once were, but as a trial run to be something even bigger and better...which will take time to get over the hurt.

 

Oh, and put your marriage plans on hold for a bit. BOTH of you are different people than you were when you discussed marriage: you're different because of what you've gone through and he's different, because (according to him) he's become a different person with different realizations and different coping skills.

 

 

Best of luck to the two of you, whether you ultimately end up together or apart!

 

 

Thank you mrldii!! There's no guarantee at all if this will work out but I do not believe the situation is absolutely hopeless! But thank you for your kind thoughts.

Edited January 12, 2016 by omomo
correcting double negative

[Kehv]

He knew this girl before he dumped you and after things got more serious between them he decided to dump you. Maybe he did not physically cheat on you but he sure as hell emotionally cheat on you.

 

He didn't have the balls to just tell you so he asked for a '1 month space' which is total bull****.

 

He might think this new girl is perfect but he will most likely find out she's not perfect either soon enough.

[omomo]

replying to Kehf: Yes, I'm pretty sure he confided in her emotionally but I personally have guy friends whom I confide about my personal problems hence, I do not see that as an issue for me. Emotional affair for me would be when they have proclaimed love to each others and share that love connection minus physical involvement.

 

UPDATE:

 

It has a been a month or so post-reconciliation? I am having my period now so I might not be in the best emotional state. In fact I felt overwhelmed with my emotions, hence, here I am ranting. I don't know how people fall madly in love again with their partner after getting back together. For me, I have been treading cautiously. Needless to say, I have sustained some damage from the entire breakup that it is difficult to get back like how it was before. I have to deal with the feeling of rejection and damaged self-esteem and insecurities of how he might leave again. I have never been the jealous type but now I look at his female friends and compare myself to them. I'm actually pretty self-assured with my physical appearance but in regards to our relationship, I am hell as insecure.

 

He on the other hand, has put in more effort to spend time with me which I appreciate. We had several difficult talks and found out despite being together for a long time, we have somehow changed and do not know each other well. He came back with the mindset that we should continue with our planning for marriage but I said we should work on our relationship so that's what we are doing. It's a work in progress!!

[Kehv]

Yeah you first need to keep your relationship on the road before you can even start to talk about marriage.

 

If you're never able to actually trust him again your relationship won't work. I don't know what type of woman you are but most people cannot trust their partner again after something like this happened, that's why people often don't get back together.

[elaine567]

Something to consider.

 

Without him

So, I moved on and Made great progress. Am hanging out with friends. Have guys interested in me. Started turning my passion into business.

 

With him

UPDATE:

In fact I felt overwhelmed with my emotions, hence, here I am ranting. I don't know how people fall madly in love again with their partner after getting back together. For me, I have been treading cautiously. Needless to say, I have sustained some damage from the entire breakup that it is difficult to get back like how it was before. I have to deal with the feeling of rejection and damaged self-esteem and insecurities of how he might leave again. I have never been the jealous type but now I look at his female friends and compare myself to them. I'm actually pretty self-assured with my physical appearance but in regards to our relationship, I am hell as insecure.