Resentful Of The Boyfriend

[whatdoido99]

I'm sorry this will be a long read.

 

 

I'm not sure where exactly to post this. I debated posting it in the infedility subform but our relationship has a lot of problems, outside of the cheating that take a lot of the focus of my post here.

 

 

Backstory: (Skip to where it says: RIGHT NOW... If you want to skip the back story)

 

 

I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We was together for 6 years and we have two children together.

 

 

In August 2009 we met online. I had just turned 18, and he was almost 20. We talked for a few weeks before we met. Our initial meeting was suppose to be a one night stand with the possibility of it turning into a friends with benefit arrangement. He picked me up in a parking lot by my house. We drove around talked; he took me to a movie and then we had sex in his car. I kind of considered a date because we spent 7 hours together even though it was technically a one night stand.

 

 

We saw each other the next few days, for a few hours each day. Mostly sex but with some driving around. At the end of the week he said he wanted me as his girlfriend so I agreed. We hung out together everyday until middle of November, around his birthday he told me he wanted to just be friends. He felt overwhelmed that our relationship was going to fast. So we "broke" up. We continued to see each other 3 to 4 times a week mostly for sex and to hang out. So really our relationship never really changed except we weren't "official". I don't know if he was seeing other girls during this time or not.

 

 

In early February 2010 I got evicted from my house I was living and had nowhere to go. He and his family (he was living with his parents) allowed me to move in there for a bit. It was suppose to be short term. The following month we got back into an "official" relationship. I continued to live there for the next three years. (more on that in a minute.)

 

 

For the next year our relationship went relatively smooth. Our relationship went from mostly about sex into something a little more serious. We talked about moving out into our own place. The only thing that was never really discussed and even to this day is marriage. My parents are divorced and his parents have been common-law for 30 years. In March 2012 our relationship took a turn for the worse.

 

 

In February 2012 I went on a vacation with my mom and brothers to a resort in another country. My boyfriend had to work, so he stayed home. I got back from my trip and my boyfriend had a few days off work and I wasn't due to go back to work for a few days. We ended up spending those days in a "sex" frenzy. We had sex probably 20 times in a two-day period. Around this time I also decided to leave my notice at work so I could go back to finish up my last month of schooling. (By May 2012 I was finished my course). In mid March of that year I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. It was bad timing since I wasn't working, going to school and living in my boyfriends parents basement.

 

 

A few days after I found out, my life came crashing down. I was surfing the internet on my boyfriends computer. I went to close some browsers he had opened when I came across his email. He had several email exchanges from a girl. I went snooping, and he had two one night stands. One when I was on vacation and one a few days after I returned. I was devastated. I was pregnant, with no money, with a cheating partner. I never felt so alone. For the next couple weeks I was scrapping together money so I could move out when I decided to give him another chance for our "sons" sake. Things were rocky for a few months until a few months before my son was born, he told me that he wasn't satisfied with our sex life and wanted to have an open relationship. I don't remember exactly what he all said, but I agreed. (biggest mistake) So from I'd say September to January 2013 we had a open relationship. It bothered me to no end. Finally in January when my son was two months old I had enough and told him I was leaving him. It seemed like he didn't want to commit and I had enough money to move. He begged me for another chance and we stop this lifestyle. I wanted to be with him and be a family for our son. I loved him a lot. So in February we moved to our own rental.

 

 

Shortly after the move things quickly turned sour. Over the next year, he began to drink a lot more, (arrested for a DUI) got fired from two jobs and engaged into some slippery slope behaviour with other woman (flirting or could even classify as an emotional affair). Just after my Christmas of 2013 I gave him an ultimatum. I told him he had to quit drinking and keep his current job or get out. (He stopped drinking for six months. But now he goes out once a month for a drink. I can live with this)

 

 

The next month in January 2014, I caught him online trying to pick up girls to sleep with. I was once again devastated. I started to talk with an old male friend of mine. We use to hang out a lot before I met my boyfriend. After starting dating we kind of just chatted on Facebook occasionally to say hi. Nothing to serious. Anyway my old male friend and I began to talk a lot online. I admit it turned into a four month emotional affair. Middle of April, we arranged to meet for sex, but I backed down last minute. (Best decision I ever made) I ended all contact with him after that.

 

 

Two weeks later I found I was pregnant with our daughter (it would have been a disaster if I went through with my plans with old friend). I sat my boyfriend down, and we had a long discussion. This was overdue. I told him I was pregnant and that we couldn't keep doing this to our selves or too our children. I said we either put 100% into saving our relationship or break up for good. The following month we began to see a relationship councillor. We saw her for six weeks but had to quit because of finances. We continued to work on our relationship. We made date nights every second Friday, we had a lot of discussions about his sexual affairs. We had a few discussions about my emotional affair with my old friend but mostly on his problems. Even to this day he still has troubles with boundaries. (He'll flirt with other woman at his work)

 

 

In January 2015 our daughter was born. In August 2015, we received an eviction notice on our place. My friend brought up the idea of buying a house. We had enough money for a down payment and the mortgage would be a 1/3 less than we would be paying in rent. We already paid all the utilities in our rental so we decided to but a house. Made economic sense. So found a house and moved in by the middle of September (our landlord was nice enough to give us two weeks extra). The difference between our mortgage and what our rent use to be we put into a saving account for emergency s.

 

 

 

RIGHT NOW

 

 

After over two years of dealing with cheating (both emotional and physical on his end, and emotional on my end) we are at a place where we have made huge progress but I feel like there is a lot of issues that are unresolved. I'm even getting to the point where I'm resenting him. I'm trying to figure out if the years of bad choices is actually a deal breaker. We do get a long a lot better. We communicate a lot better, he's a great father, and we do a lot as a family but I feel like that is where it ends.

 

 

I feel like he hasn't addressed the issues that led him to the bad choices he had made. The warning signs were always there. He has a problem with commitment, shift-blaming and excuses for everything. Examples: I never give him enough sex, I don't make him lunch so he has to buy lunch, he didn't take out the garbage in the morning because (he's tired or because I didn't set it by the door), he agrees to do something: (ends up not doing it) and says that he "had to work all day", "he was tired" (common excuse), or he forgot, or one of his favorites. "You were home all day, why couldn't you have done it."

 

 

I stay at home right now because of the prices of daycare. I cook, clean (some days I do more than others), take care of our kids, do the bills, make all appointments (for me, him and the kids) and most of the childcare. His only job is to take out the garbage, and to scoop out the litter box every second day. Half the time he doesn't even do it.

 

 

In our free time, we spend a lot of time as a family. We go on drives, go to the park. Since our daughter can't do much our outings are still limited.

 

 

I just feel like, he's going through the motions, instead of really getting down to the root of the problem. I love him and 75% of the time things are great, but I can't help resenting him. I have thought about leaving but there is so much invested. We worked so hard to repair our relationship, and we just bought a house. I just don't know where to go from here.

Edited January 5, 2016 by whatdoido99

[oldshirt]

He sounds like a crappy person of low character and is morally bankrupt that only cares about screwing chicks.

 

And you sound like you have serious underlying self esteem and boundary issues that would allow you to be around him and accept in the first place. Most women would've hit the block and delete button the first time he mentioned hooking up for a ONS when you first had contact online and hadn't even met yet.

 

I'm not sure any of this bodes well with you two having a happy, healthy, traditional marriage.

 

He simply isn't relationship, marriage or father material. He's already proven himself as a womanizer and serial cheater. Those are character issues and you can't council or negotiate bad character away.

 

Counseling and negotiation and reconciliation are when two decent people are acting in good faith to achieve a common goal but have different ideas on how to achieve it.

 

This is someone who is basically just a bad person who's goals are to screw lots of different chicks and to shirk his responsibilities as a father and partner.

 

You can't fix or reconcile that.

 

You can only get away from it and take care of yourself or find someone better.

[ExpatInItaly]

Where is you self-esteem, OP? Why have you got such low expectations and standards that you permit him to treat you like that?

 

Look, he's a terrible boyfriend. I would've kicked his cheating, drunken butt to the curb a long time ago. I understand you have children together now but is this really the partnership you want for the rest of your life? A man-child who doesn't love or respect you enough to stay faithful? You two aren't good together and he will step out again, if he's not already doing so. He knows he can do whatever he wants and you'll pretty much just go along with it. Time to show him that game is up.

 

You need to consult an attorney. Find out what would happen if you leave, in terms of the kids' right to support, etc. I really don't think this will ever become the relationship you want, and your children deserve a mom who is happy.

 

You're still so young. I promise you there is much better out there for you, if you'll only believe you deserve it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like he hasn't addressed the issues that led him to the bad choices he had made. The warning signs were always there. He has a problem with commitment, shift-blaming and excuses for everything.

 

I think I'm only going to add to the tough love you're getting here.

 

He didn't make bad choices, you made them together - from hooking up at the 7 hour mark to getting pregnant - twice - by someone with limited prospects and relationship skills. You've also enabled his cheating - I stopped counting at three times - by simply accepting his "I'm sorry" (really means "I'm sorry I got caught") and taking him back back each time. Why would he change?

 

I get it, you were young and dumb when this all started, had a serious case of that myself. But you're now 24 with two kids depending on you, time to make grown-up choices.

 

I'd give him one chance to go to MC with you and begin repairing your relationship. While there, I'd clearly communicate your boundaries, goals and expectations including any dealbreakers. You've developed a ton of bad relationship habits and set such a low bar for his conduct that it's time to call marriage 911.

 

And I wouldn't waste another day before getting started. Keep posting, let us know how you're doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

So...the guy wanted to be your boyfriend because you were easy. You didn't bother to use birth control. You floated all over the place financially, physically, emotionally. Neither of you was mature enough to be raising kids. And...

 

what was your question again? How to salvage this?

 

The answer: you don't. You split up. You both start acting like responsible adults. You give up seeing people and focus on the KIDS you have brought into this world with little foresight and who have no CHOICE but to be stuck with at least one of you. And you spend the next few years being sober, responsible, dedicated PARENTS to the kids.

 

Maybe later, down the road, when the two of you have experienced a bit more life, you can decide if you want to be together or if you're just incompatible.

 

Right now, you don't get to be selfish. Right now, your KIDS need you both to be selfless, responsible adults making sure that THEIR needs are attended to before your own.

[whatdoido99]

So...the guy wanted to be your boyfriend because you were easy. You didn't bother to use birth control. You floated all over the place financially, physically, emotionally. Neither of you was mature enough to be raising kids. And...

 

 

I was on the NuvaRing until just before I left for my family vacation. I just forgot to put a new one. Not that it makes a difference.

 

 

On a more serious note. I'm about 90% he hasn't cheated since. I have access to all of his social media accounts, phone, and even his money. It goes into my bank account and I keep track. So him getting a loaner phone is next to impossible. He is home most nights and the odd time he goes out I have had friends go to where he says he'll be and every time it has checked out.

 

I admit I made some terrible choices I'm not proud of.

 

If I were to split it will be a complicated situation. We just bought a house not long ago. Neither of us has enough money to buy out the other. We would probably end up with nothing.

Edited January 6, 2016 by whatdoido99

[Mr. Lucky]

We would probably end up with nothing.

 

Besides, in your case, peace of mind?

 

Don't think you'd have posted here were you willing to endure the status quo for another decade and beyond.

 

You're going to need to make some changes. How many and what kind, that's the question. Don't think you can afford to passively let his choices control your life - that's how you got here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

I was on the NuvaRing until just before I left for my family vacation. I just forgot to put a new one. Not that it makes a difference.

 

 

On a more serious note. I'm about 90% he hasn't cheated since. I have access to all of his social media accounts, phone, and even his money. It goes into my bank account and I keep track. So him getting a loaner phone is next to impossible. He is home most nights and the odd time he goes out I have had friends go to where he says he'll be and every time it has checked out.

 

I admit I made some terrible choices I'm not proud of.

 

If I were to split it will be a complicated situation. We just bought a house not long ago. Neither of us has enough money to buy out the other. We would probably end up with nothing.

 

Why did you buy a house with such an unreliable man?!

 

Do you really want to marry someone that you have to monitor like you're a parole officer?

 

I think you only want to marry this person because of your kids and the fact that you do not think that you deserve any better. You're even making excuses for him. Stop! Your "boyfriend" may not be cheating now but he will again based on his track record. I put boyfriend in quotes because if he was your man, he wouldn't be sleeping with other people all the time.

 

Sell the house and split the money from the sale. People do that all the time when they can't afford to buy out each other. Get your own place to live and come to a custody agreement. Be prepared for a child support battle because he doesn't seem like a responsible person.

 

Whatever you do, don't marry this guy. Your life will be ruined even more if you legally tie yourself to him and you're already stuck with this guy for life because of your children. Seriously consider counseling for your boundary and self esteem issues. I say this as someone who has conquered similar challenges which manifested from a tremendous amount of abuse. I met my good husband when I finally learned to love and respect myself.

 

Get tested for STIs since you have shared that you have sex rather indiscriminately and you have been sleeping with a womanizer who loves to take chances.

[Anderlie]

On a more serious note. I'm about 90% he hasn't cheated since. I have access to all of his social media accounts, phone, and even his money. It goes into my bank account and I keep track. So him getting a loaner phone is next to impossible. He is home most nights and the odd time he goes out I have had friends go to where he says he'll be and every time it has checked out.

 

Well if this isn't the saddest little paragraph ever I don't know what is. OP if you're going to spend your life being a parole officer you should at least get paid. Don't you think you deserve better than this? Also on a practical note how much longer do you think your friends are going to be willing to play detective for you because if I was your friend that would get ooooold real fast. It speaks to your immaturity that you are dragging in other people and creating this huge workload and drama for yourself rather than cutting it in half by ditching the loser and sharing custody, it really does.

 

ETA I clearly agree with Betty Draper there, parole officer mind meld...

Edited January 6, 2016 by Anderlie

[DeeplyMissHer]

You'd be doing you both a favor and just going your separate ways. Coming from a man, children can thrive from having parents who aren't together. He doesn't respect you.

[GunslingerRoland]

The problem isn't your resent, the problem is it isn't strong enough. This guy clearly hasn't brought much to your life besides children. Because of them, I understand you want to work it out.

 

 

But I really don't see anything salvageable here. The only thing that keeps him from cheating is you literally watching over him like a toddler to make sure he can't. Does that sound like the way you want to live your life? The example you want to set for your own children?

[Miss Peach]

My XH wasn't cheating (that I know of) but he didn't treat me with basic respect. It caused a lot of issues in our marriage and I felt very anxious similar to you and being cheated on. It was very tough to make that decision and the idea of tearing apart the family, having to sell the house, having to pay support (in my case support would be awarded to the XH), etc. It was especially hard the idea of my seeing the kids everyday. But after everything was separated and done with it was soooo much better mentally for me and every part of my life has gotten better that when I was with the XH. The kids don't even remember all the fighting and stuff at this point.

[whatdoido99]

I honestly forgot about this thread until now. I thought I'd update. A lot has happened.

 

 

 

I hate to admit, but everyone was right. In the middle of January I found out he had cheated on me again. This time with an ex girlfriend. I broke up with him for good this time. I have temporary primary custody, and my parents are giving me the money to buy him out the little equity of the house. He moved out near the end of February.

 

He really isn't a good father. He suppose to have them every second weekend, and three hours on Wednesday. He has missed three our of four Wednesdays in a row, and I'm betting he'll miss this wednesday. Last weekend he brought the kids home Saturday night instead of Sunday. I'm documenting this for when we have our custody hearing.

 

I got myself into some councelling as I realize I have issues I have to deal with.

[stillafool]

 

If I were to split it will be a complicated situation. We just bought a house not long ago. Neither of us has enough money to buy out the other. We would probably end up with nothing.

 

So are you planning to put up with this for the next 30 years? You can always put it up for sale.

[whatdoido99]

So are you planning to put up with this for the next 30 years? You can always put it up for sale.

 

Look at my update.

[turnera]

Make sure you use a bound notebook (can't insert pages) for keeping track of all the times he misses. Sometimes judges will look at the pattern.

[mrs rubble]

Sending best wishes for a wonderful future. You've done the right thing for yourself and your kids.It's lovely that your parents have helped you buy him out, you obviously have their support. Stay strong.

[BettyDraper]

I honestly forgot about this thread until now. I thought I'd update. A lot has happened.

 

 

 

I hate to admit, but everyone was right. In the middle of January I found out he had cheated on me again. This time with an ex girlfriend. I broke up with him for good this time. I have temporary primary custody, and my parents are giving me the money to buy him out the little equity of the house. He moved out near the end of February.

 

He really isn't a good father. He suppose to have them every second weekend, and three hours on Wednesday. He has missed three our of four Wednesdays in a row, and I'm betting he'll miss this wednesday. Last weekend he brought the kids home Saturday night instead of Sunday. I'm documenting this for when we have our custody hearing.

 

I got myself into some councelling as I realize I have issues I have to deal with.

 

Good for you! I'm glad that you walked away.

 

Sorry that you went through all of this but now you can focus on healing and motherhood.

 

It would be a good idea to stay out of any romantic relationships for at least a year.

 

You need to learn how to love yourself as well as figure out red flags.

 

Being a single mom isn't easy so I doubt you will have much time to date anyway.

[whatdoido99]

A little update.

 

He took the kids on the 23rd for 3 hours as his usual visit. Then come that following weekend which was his full weekend, he showed two hours late, and dropped them off early the next morning. He hasn't seen them since. Only two more weeks until the hearing where I'm asking for sole custody with him reasonable visitation.

 

I'm hoping he is a no show.

Edited April 9, 2016 by whatdoido99