d.rocks Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Hi all, First of all I was/am married for 20 years. With what I thought was a good marriage, discussions but really no fighting. 3 kids 18, 16 and 14. Lived a comfortable life not without financial challenges but OK. About 7 years ago my wifes mother died of early onset Alzhiemers, died at 59. After that She told me she didn't want to live her life without having lived it. So she stated doing things she always wanted to do, Racing cars in Rallies mostly. She had a H.S. English teacher she "liked" that did it in Alaska when she was 13-14 years old. Well she looked this guy up on the internet and started chatting with him...Affair... I found out and of coursewas devestated. She said she would end it ...but didn't...I finally told her that she needed to make a choice. She Saw him, he came to town and they had a short physical thing. In her letters she stated to him she always loved him and he was her dream man. Well he wasn't but they continued a friendly relationship. We reconciled...I forgave her and we had what I thought was a really good relationship...with the affair I started having Anxiety/depression and it got a bit out of hand I kept it to myself but it effected most parts of my life. Fast forward to Feb, 2005 her Dad died...We/I were having some money problems and nearly lost our home. With her Dad dieing we had to go to take care of him out of state which worsened our finances but I didn't want her not to be with her Dad at the end...After the funeral she had to go back to his house to take care of some financial issues. After he died she found out he had left her and her sister a sizable amount of money. She went back and while there asked her next door nieghbor lady about her son...who she used to date when she was 16. They ended up rekindling a love affair...after she went back to finilize some money matters she spent 2 weeks with him...leaving our kids alone during that time...I was working out of state of a couple months to get our money matters fixed. Long story short he knowing that she's married told her his feeling havn't changed and wanted to marry her...2 weeks later she calls me and tells me she filed for divorce. Oh and there's no sence in coming home because she was working for the next 5 days and then going to Prtland, OR to work for 8 days...of course I came home...confused and wanting to fix things...she said she needed security, finacial and emotional that was why she was divorcing me. Well while she was gone the kids started telling me about "funny" stuff that was going on...I put it together and confronted her...after many lies she kinda acknowledged she was having an "emotional affair". I packed her things and when she got home she moved into an apartment...We signed had a Mediator work out the settlement... OK this where it gets "funny" She told me all along that she wants me to be in her life and be friends. She's been "confused" by all of this...she's even seeing a Counselor to work out some her issues. After I said I it was hard to let her go I signed the papers...we were told it would be 2 weeks before the divorce was final...I thought it was supposed to be harder than that...She said she wanted to hold on for a little while before she signed and filed with the court. We spent a few hours together at her place talking...we ended up in bed...She came over to the house the next day to have dinner...the kids who are staying with me..were happy and joking around, along with other family issues teen girl stuff...stay out of my room, you know. The last night she said she wanted me to go out with her and one of her friends from work to a club to hear a band. She then said that if I got her "drunk" she would go to bed with me...we always had a pretty good sex life...Then she said....this what I don't know what the Hell this supposed to mean...She likes being "friends with benifits"... Good Lord what the Hell is going on? Any Ideas from the ladies...I need HELP Oh, BTW I never wanted the divorce...Thanks Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 Another Oh BTW I've got treatment for the Anxiety/depression and I am Soooo much better...back to my old self. The mirical of modern medicines! I think that has relevence Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 D- My ex too wanted to continue to sleep together until the D was final. I was repulsed by this . I think this happens in alot of relationships. Question is- are you happy with being just a booty call to her?? If so, then cool. She's got a itch she wants scratched- she knows you're safe. If you're not okay with it then put a stop to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 Thank Mz. Pixie! Well....I do need relief I am used to an active sex life. She said she certainly would consider getting back together again but she wanted to "explore her feelings" with old BF... I told her about someone I am trying to get interested in going out...she acted hurt...go figure. Why can't I figure out the female mind Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Chris777 Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Man that sounds so familiar. so much for the so called mid life crisis with guys, now the women seem to be having it too. seriously though my step kids are the exact same ages. of course I not quite 30 yet either. I say fight her. If she wants the divorce, then make her work for it. I too tried to give mine what she wanted, and its been final since 97 , but she seems to apparently dumped me because i wasn't abusive. I guess i wasn't enought drama or something. I don't know Like I told my daughter tonight. You are never going to know why she does these things that don't make sence, and are hurtful, so I guess you should expect your mom not to be entirely stable. my daughter was /Is still hurt over the divorce. especially since her half siblings are living with their dad. I say fight for your marrage especially with the kids, but if its like my ex wife, where it just seems like she will never be sane. I say run. and leave the dingbat alone. she is just as crazy as apparently my ex is. you were happy, she is the one with the problem. and she is only manipulating you, into doing what she wants, A few things my divorce have made me realize , are that I want, a Stable, mature, dedicated, honorable, trustworthy, virtuous, and obedient. woman, If i ever re marry. I tried my best to make up for all the rotten things guys have done to her in the past, and it apparently turns out, she just wanted the grief to continue. I on the other hand, have outgrown this childish drama, she wan't to live out. I wan't a real life , not some messed up trainwreck ,that keeps plowingitself around the track over and over forever. I suggest you do the same, unless you can get her to change her mind. But I tell you If you are getting councelling, just ask your councellor about the situation , and I guarantee they will tell you she is not entirely sane at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
wyzeup Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 She sounds very messed up. She says she'd "considering getting back together again" but she wants to explore feelings for ex BF first? WTF? She's had affairs, she's hurt your family and helped to break it up, she wants to sleep with other men, she wants a divorce but now wants a friends with benefits situation with you? She's wanting to sleep with you - share your bed at times........that must be so confusing for your children -one day mom is gone, you 2 are divorcing and then she's back spending the night in your bed. First off you should be bloody careful about sleeping with her - there's no telling who she's sleeping with and what disease they could have - that would surely suck if she gave you herpes or something and the divorce went through and there were are you - divorced and looking to start all over, meeting someone, with the lifelong gift of herpes to contend with. Why would you want to sleep with someone who's betrayed you like she has? You went through a lot of emotional distress over all this -anxiety, depression, feeling devastated - and now she has walked all over you, direspected your marriage and family, and she figures she can just have the odd screw with you, to keep you emotionally hooked and hoping she'll come back to you? Frankly, she sounds like she has some mental health issues. Based on what you've written, she sounds like she's rather impulsive and confused, chasing after these exes of hers - she's searching for something. Her youth? Has she ever had mental health issues? Could this all be some midlife crisis? Has she ever properly dealt with the loss of her parents? or is she turning to men (outside the marriage) to fill the void of having lost her parents? I would not even consider sleeping with her - unless you want to be used. Don't get sucked into the belief that if you agree to friends with benefits that maybe she'll decide to get back with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 Thanks for the input folks! I know you all are right but...i've been in this marriage and in love with her for 20 years. With that said I'm going with as little contact as I can. No answering her calls...I don't call her. Another wild card is the kids...they are and want to stay with me. And they told her that they will have nothing to do with this guy, or her when she is with him. He lives in Colo. Springs and her in SLC area. I here throught the kids...listening to her talk on the phone through a door. That she wants him to move here. The kids said absolutly no acceptance of him. She said to them "you don't want me to be happy for the rest of my life" they said "you don't care about us or our happiness, so why would we care about yours". This infatuation will end soon I'm sure. I told her if she does come back she will have to continue her counseling before I let her come back. And we will need marriage counseling also. And "yes" I know she's playing me...and so do the kids. But she thinks she is being totally reasonable...Go figure? Thanks again, Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Chris777 Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by d.rocks She said to them "you don't want me to be happy for the rest of my life" they said "you don't care about us or our happiness, so why would we care about yours". . But she thinks she is being totally reasonable...Go figure? Thanks again, Dennis I'm sure I will catch flack over this, but the truth hurts sometimes. when I first got involved with my ex, i wasn't (realistically) concerned about her childrens welfare. I had blindres on, to the exact details of their situation, and only saw the so called dissolving marrage that their mother and their father had, so i gave the divorce him, because its bad for kids to see fighting speach. It took her dumping me, and seeing the pain its has caused our daughter to see how selfish I was in that situation, and this is before our daughter was conceived. it really puts new perspective on think before you act. as my actions inadvertently caused my daughter pain, not to mention the pain i caused her 1st ex, and his children. I don't know what would have happened if i had just not gotten involved, but considering 2 families are now destroyed...... people should suck it up unless their are extreme circumstances involved. and people should definitely bee more careful on who they become involved with. Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 I've been in the same situation as you. My STBXH and I have been separated for 15 months now and we just stopped having sex in January. Whenever one of us was single, they'd persue the other. Does that make sense?..here is an example: If I was single, I'd persue him and we would end up having sex and spending a lot of time together. If he was single, he'd persue me and we'd end up having sex and spending a lot of time together. I think I finally realized in early February that it is really over. We're filing for dissolution next month and we're friends. We NEVER had trouble with our sex lives during the marriage we just couldn't live together. If you want to be with your ex then do it, if you don't want to then don't. I will admit that when he started dating someone, I would get hurt because he is MY husband. I know he felt the same way when I dated someone because he'd call me all the time and find all kinds of things out about the guy I was seeing and tell me. I know in my situation, it was if I can't have you, then no one can on both of our parts. It sounds like this is what your ex is doing. She wants to have her cake and eat it too...it will work for a while, but you can't live your life like that. Someone will end up getting hurt! Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 Thanks ladies for the advice! I Should really find someone to date...but ...I do really love her. I know this is stupid of me...I told her I would wait until she decided because I don't want her to hurt like she made me hurt. Everyone tells me I certainly can find someone else, because of the kind of guy I am...they say" funny, attractive, sincere and kind...with a wild streak...not at all boring." Even the (ex)wife says that...so why can't she try again?...I guess the Anxiety and depression thing will take a while for her to get over...and see that I'm me again. I'm not opting for the no contact right now...I think I have to compete to win her back...she really wants to be desired and that's what I need to do to win back her love.... Any thoughts? Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Your wife is seriously f*ed up, but Utah's full of women who want to hook up. Might want to move to Ogden or Bountiful, or head up to Boise, where you'll find plenty of women looking for a decent man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 11, 2005 Author Share Posted June 11, 2005 Well She's a bit confused by her own admission. As for a lot of women looking for a man that's true...Although I can't just up and leave I have my kids and my buisness here. I think I could move on but I do love her and I just can't throw away 20 years and our family out over something I truely believe can not just work out but be better. Not without effort but nothing worthwhile comes without work. You must have been from around here Westernxer... What do you ladies think her reaction would be to me dating...given the context, she's confused? Thanks again all Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Originally posted by d.rocks You must have been from around here Westernxer... I know it quite well, let's just put it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 I think you're an absolute fool if you allow this woman in your life. She has a history of cheating and doesn't deserve you in any way. You shouldn't have to "compete" for her love. If you give into her desire for this it will never end, you will be dealing with her selfish antics forever. You should issue NC immediately. She wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants to remain a part of your life and have her sex on the side. Why reward her for being selfish *****? If not for yourself then you should cut her off for your kids. Its about time that their mom grew the hell up. She will never grow up if you continue to reward her bad behavior. You're basically letting her get her way and telling her its ok to set a horrible example for your kids. If you care about her you would cut her off and let her know the only way to be with you is for her to grow the hell up, see a therapist, and for both of you to go to counselling together. Don't meet her on her level force her to do it on yours. If it were me I'd cut her off for good and wouldn't even consider getting back together. She's a horrible mother and a horrible wife, if she can't even put her kids ahead of her own selfish desires how can you expect her to put you ahead? Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 Ouch...I truth really hurts. I know you are right I just needed a different perspective. The kids are angry and have little respect for her...but they also love their mom. As you said she is setting a poor example for them. Thanks Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by d.rocks Ouch...I truth really hurts. I know you are right I just needed a different perspective. The kids are angry and have little respect for her...but they also love their mom. As you said she is setting a poor example for them. Thanks Dennis You seem like a good guy, and a good father, I'd hate to see her drag you down with her. Your kids need you right now more than ever. Don't let her drag the whole family down into her selfish behavior. I wish you the best of luck and I hope it all works out. Stay strong for yourself and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 Thanks... the kids, believe it or not told me not to take her back...I guess they are more objective than I am. It's hard to let go of 20 years of love...at least on my part... Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Originally posted by d.rocks Thanks... the kids, believe it or not told me not to take her back...I guess they are more objective than I am. It's hard to let go of 20 years of love...at least on my part... Dennis Thats understandable but you HAVE to do it. You really have no choice if you want to be happy and make your kids healthy and happy. Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 No contact is very hard to do. I know from experience. I feel if you issue no contact right now it will hurt you even more. I feel you need to gradually shorten your contact with her. I kept getting people telling me I should have no contact with my ex but I just couldn't do it. I know exactly what you mean there...It will take time...be patient. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Ready... Yes it's hard. She went to Las Vegas and I'm sure he went with her. So right now I'm hurt again...It should be easier. That and my son and I have to go back to Tennessee for a couple weeks to finish up an obligation I have there. So Ready...with the facts that I have set out what do you as a woman think is going through her mind? Thanks Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Well, to be honest, she sounds more like my ex than me. I am a woman but I am the one that seemed to get hurt more often than not, like you. I think she is keeping you in tow just as a safety net. You are her "backup". You do need to stop being there for her everytime she wants you or she will really abuse the fact that you still really care about her and hate will be the only thing you will feel towards one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Ready...Thank you and the others. You all seem to be in agreement that I'm the back-up. I told her that wasn't fair to me...that's when we did the divorce mediation. But she hasn't told me when or if she's going to file them. OK another question...How long should someone wait before they date? I know everyone is different...my kids say I should try and date now. There is a lady at the grocery store who I have been friendly with. We chatted about my problems with the wife...and her 3 year long painful divorce. She has told a person I know that she would date me but I need time...I think that means she doesn't want to be a rebound girlfriend...and I don't want her to be that either...but I do enjoy talking to her and a friendly face. I really don't want a "thing" right now as I have to work on me. But someone to do things with...I have friends...but having a friend and a woman is definitly a plus...Self esteem issue do you think? Anyway thanks for your continued support and advise...you folks are awesome! Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by d.rocks OK another question...How long should someone wait before they date? You date whenever you feel you're ready, and not a moment sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d.rocks Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 I'm not a mope around guy...if things are done or "confused" I really feel like I need to have some...not fun but...not sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I just don't feel like doing things alone. The kids are great but they are teens and I DON'T want them to think they are responsible for my happiness or wellbeing! I do things with my other friends but not all the time. I hate sitting around...guess I should just get busy doing home projects. Dennis Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by ready2moveon26 No contact is very hard to do. I know from experience. I feel if you issue no contact right now it will hurt you even more. I feel you need to gradually shorten your contact with her. I kept getting people telling me I should have no contact with my ex but I just couldn't do it. I know exactly what you mean there...It will take time...be patient. He can't really afford to do that. He has to think of his kids. This is hurting them as much if not more than it hurts him. He has to put them first. Especially since their own mother never puts them first. The sooner he issues NC and sticks to it, the sooner he may wake up from this nightmare. As far as the dating goes... It really completely depends on when you're ready. Only you know that. There is no time table that works for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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