My soon to be Ex wants to be friends with benefits...What?

[westernxer]

Originally posted by d.rocks

I'm not a mope around guy...if things are done or "confused" I really feel like I need to have some...not fun but...not sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I just don't feel like doing things alone. The kids are great but they are teens and I DON'T want them to think they are responsible for my happiness or wellbeing! I do things with my other friends but not all the time. I hate sitting around...guess I should just get busy doing home projects.

 

Dennis

 

I know what you're talking about.

 

In Pocatello, where my sister lives, people waste no time hooking up after getting divorced. It's crazy... I guess it depends on what your needs are at that particular time.

[d.rocks]

Westernxer...My family is from that area. Idaho Falls, Blackfoot and near Pokey...I guess I ougta get up there

 

Dennis

[westernxer]

I'm telling you, D. Rocks, even I have to watch myself when I go for a visit, because they're always trying to marry me off to someone's sister's daughter's cousin's neighbor. Guess people just like getting married up there. My niece's soccer coach is in his forties, recently divorced, and now he's got a girlfriend, too. So does his ex. Didn't take very long, either.

[d.rocks]

OK then tell em' to hook me up...Westernxer!

 

Oh hold it maybe I should wallow a bit more.

 

Dennis

[SoleMate]

Hi d.rocks, you sound like a nice guy. May I suggest that you google for "marriage builders" and see if any of the advice there is helpful to you? Either to put your marriage back together, or decide to break it off totally, or maybe even just to understand what may have gone wrong and how something like this can happen.

 

I do wish you would NOT let your kids criticize their mother to you. It is really not their place to pass judgment on her behavior, or on yours either. It makes it easier for them if it is made clear that they do not have to approve or disapprove, nor are they responsible for "punishing" the guilty parent and "rewarding" the good, faithful one.

 

Having sex with your wayward wife? Well...I wouldn't...but then I do not have the perspective of having had a great marital sex life that would be worth holding on to. Sex with your WW may relieve physical tension, but I believe that in most cases it prolongs the physical pain of loss. Not to mention the risks of pregnancy with someone who is no longer going to be in a family with you, or STDs.

 

As far as dating goes, you need to know where you're headed first. Maybe a bit of casual dating...but if you have an eye on a lady you really know and like, this is NOT the time to get deeply involved with her. Good platonic friends maybe, but I feel it is essential you not get physical until your head is a little straighter.

 

Also, be aware that any woman you start seeing will be repelled by the knowledge that you are still having sex with your ex-wife while dating/courting other women, EVEN IF you are not gettiong physical on these dates. Just don't go there!

 

Good luck, stay strong, life will get better.

[d.rocks]

Hi Soulmate

 

The kids are angry with her because she lied to them and continues to lie...they clued me in...I keep telling them that ultimately we and I think she is/are better off with her here...although she needs to keep up with the counseling...providing she wants to come back. We all love her, she says she loves all of us also but actions speak louder than words.

 

As far as dating, casual is the word I was looking for. And as far as sex It was only the one time, nothing since.

 

Thanks Dennis

[Sal Paradise]

Although I don't think he should encourage his kids to pass judgement on her (which I don't think he has). They have every right to judge the way she is acting. She is supposed to be there for them and she is being selfish and disrespectful to them and their father. If she doesn't like it she shouldn't act that way.

[d.rocks]

The kids already have a strong opinion of her and him...it hasn't been pushed by me. As I said they will try to patch things up with her but she has to try first. The problem is she acts to the kids as if she is doing nothing wrong. My daughter told me that if she's doing nothing wrong then she shouldn't have to lie about it all the time.

 

As I said I need to work on me first before I can try and salvage us.

Dennis

[Sal Paradise]

You may even figure out after you work on you that there is no us, or the us isn't worth the effort. But its well worth it. Taking care of you will make you a better father and a better husband (whether its with the ex or not).

[d.rocks]

Yes, the working on me part is most important to the well being of me and my family.

 

I don't like using depression as an excuse for anything...but being down for so long is a major turn off for everyone around you. The kids said I hide it well, but I seldom felt like doing things. And I really can see how my wife could fall out of love with me. I've had some time...with a lot of research...to see how I appeared to other people including my wife. It's not an easy thing to except.

 

Last night I told her that I hate when couples split up and the improve themselves for another person but not their spouse...I'm improving myself for me first then, hopefully she can see I'm doing it for her, and the kids.

 

Dennis

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by d.rocks

Yes, the working on me part is most important to the well being of me and my family.

 

I don't like using depression as an excuse for anything...but being down for so long is a major turn off for everyone around you. The kids said I hide it well, but I seldom felt like doing things. And I really can see how my wife could fall out of love with me. I've had some time...with a lot of research...to see how I appeared to other people including my wife. It's not an easy thing to except.

 

Last night I told her that I hate when couples split up and the improve themselves for another person but not their spouse...I'm improving myself for me first then, hopefully she can see I'm doing it for her, and the kids.

 

Dennis

 

"Shakes head"

 

Its she who should be improving herself for YOU and the KIDS. I'm not saying don't work on you but if she doesn't work on her why be with her?

 

And yes depression isn't easy to live with but how hard did she try to support you? Its called for better or worse. She saw the worst and ran for the first arms she could find. Who wants to be with someone who runs away when things are going bad? She's a fair weather wife.

 

I wish you the best of luck with her but don't lose sight of how she is acting. She needs therapy. She needs to come to terms with how she is behaving. She is in total denial. Just because you change and she wants to get back together doesn't mean you should. She has to change too. She's the one who cheated.

[d.rocks]

Sal...I shake my head at myself also

 

But as you say "for better or worse" If I were to just walk, would I not also be dishornoring those vows? It's worse for me right now...I'm hoping for things to get better. When she finds out he is not what she was looking for should I not be there? She said she fell in love with me once and maybe she could again.

 

With me working on me, and trying not to distance myself from her, when that time comes she might see me without the cloud of depression...It hurts alot right now but I really am strong and forgiving...She also is seeing a counselor.

 

Thanks again

Dennis

[d.rocks]

Well, last night I had a casual dinner date. As I was getting ready the STBXW came in unexpectedly. She asked where I was going I said "Out with a friend" she pried so I said

"I had a date" Then she walked out the door and slamed it. OK now I had been trying to be friendly and affectionate but she still told me that she didn't know about getting back together. She said she didn't want MC, and she still wanted to explore her feelings with OM...So What is going through head?

 

Thanks, Dennis

[Sal Paradise]

I suggest you move on completely. It isn't worth the heartache to try and work on this with her. Its obvious she doesn't want you if she is gonna run to the OM arm every chance she gets. Let her go she isn't worth it. If even the kids can see it then its pretty obvious.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by d.rocks

Well, last night I had a casual dinner date. As I was getting ready the STBXW came in unexpectedly. She asked where I was going I said "Out with a friend" she pried so I said

"I had a date" Then she walked out the door and slamed it. OK now I had been trying to be friendly and affectionate but she still told me that she didn't know about getting back together. She said she didn't want MC, and she still wanted to explore her feelings with OM...So What is going through head?

 

Thanks, Dennis

 

Not a completely bad thing I think, for her to experience how it FEELS.

 

Yes, I know you did not go on that date for that purpose, but still, this is what she has been putting YOU through for quite some time now, and she just got a taste of what it is like to not know whether the person she loves and has been with for 20 years is out doing the horizontal mambo with someone else.

 

I think it may be a good learning experience for her. Either that, or she will finally just say what the hell and stop holding on to you while dragging you through the mud - either would be an improvement over the current situation. I would expect either moves from her that suggest a desire for reconcilliation, or divorce papers, before too much longer. As she is in "I'm not doing anything wrong" mode, probably the latter, but don't let it get you down. You deserve better than this.