Lesbian ex - Can we ever get past all the lies?

[jenc]

My gf and I have been together for 3 years. It's been complicated - we're both women, and we're married to men, and recently each separated to be together. Two years into the relationship, I found out she had an ex-gf that I hadn't been told about, who she spoke with regularly on text and even had lunch with once behind my back. She claimed that she had forgotten this gf existed when first telling me her history, somehow the ex popped up, and my gf didn't know how to break it to me. To make things worse, we had a huge fight and she showed me their texts, and this ex of hers was saying terrible things about me, obviously trying to break us up. It was a terrible discovery, I was so hurt. But I loved her, she promised to delete the ex from BBM and I didn't want to lose her over something like that. So she promised the ex was gone, and we moved on.

 

Fast forward a year. Long story short, I discover the ex on my gf's phone again (by accident) and in fact it appears that my gf has been talking to the ex all year. And of course the ex is continuing to say terrible things about me (I'm controlling, disrespectful, "need therapy" etc). I'm not perfect, but these comments have no basis in fact, and in fact sometimes are completely the opposite of reality. (My gf defends these comments on the basis that she was venting to her ex and didn't give her the full picture, and the ex was just trying to make her feel better) This time, there isn't much explanation as to why my gf was talking to her ex behind my back, other than the ex kept contacting my gf, and my gf would only talk to her when she and I were having issues (the facts kind of support that, but who can remember back a whole year?).

 

I don't know what do to. I don't believe she is cheating at all (and I have seen the texts) and I believe my gf loves me (she told the ex as much). But why would she sacrifice our relationship over this? She has other friends she can talk to (one is even another ex that I support the friendship with), and her ex's advice is pretty superficial and her "insight" isn't exactly the deep thoughts of Plato if you know what I mean. My gf thinks I'm being petty, and this is a non-issue. But she really fought me about the idea of telling this ex to stay away, and stop being so disrespectful to me. She deleted the ex from BBM, apparently after telling her she was causing issues between us. But the ex came back 3 days later on text. To me, that is clear as water that this ex is trying to cause trouble, and my gf doesn't really see it, and doesn't want to do anything about it. I love her so much, any advice??

Edited January 5, 2016 by jenc

[salparadise]

But why would she sacrifice our relationship over this?

 

Validation. Loves drama. Disingenuous at the core.

 

 

My gf thinks I'm being petty, and this is a non-issue. But she really fought me about the idea of telling this ex to stay away

 

Of course she did... wants to have her cake and eat it too. She's trying to convince you that you're the fruitcake in this equation. Offense as defense. Gaslighting.

 

 

But the ex came back 3 days later on text. To me, that is clear as water that this ex is trying to cause trouble, and my gf doesn't really see it, and doesn't want to do anything about it.

 

Oh she sees it, but she knows that you'll continue to put up with it. She wants the ex-gf in her life and she cares more about that than how you feel or the health of your relationship. Pretty simple.

 

You say that you don't think she's cheating, and she may not have up until now, but this behavior doesn't give you much confidence does it? My guess is that she's just an opportunity away, and that when it happens she'll find a way to rationalize and blame it on you.

 

If you don't have trust then what do you have? Anxious attachment. That's all. I think you should step back and realize that "because I love her so much" is a rationalization on your part... and exactly why she knows she can treat you like a doormat and do as she pleases. But mechanics are not the real problem... the real problem is that it's not in her character to respect and care for your feelings regardless of what she thinks she can get by with or how much you'll tolerate. That's not something you can fix by negotiating. You have to either accept it or not.

[jen1447]

It's funny how women in relationships w/women (and I'm one of them) can set new standards for drama. Just the nature of the beast I guess.

 

Hmm ....ok I'll carry it back in the other direction a bit. Is your GF's association w/this ex really unreasonable? What's the basis of your dislike for the friendship beyond the fact that she runs you down - just that you never knew about her?

 

To play devil's advocate I can say that running down partners is kind of the job of friends, whether they be same sex or not. It serves to allow the friend w/the partner to vent. (Think wives venting to their female friends about their husbands or vice-versa.) None of us are perfect as you say so some amount of that is necessary.

 

I realize your GF's ex has an ax to grind tho and potentially an agenda, so that complicates matters. I guess what I'd suggest is asking yourself exactly what the nature of your objections are and if they're legitimate, and if they are, have a sit down talk w/your GF and tell her that a continued friendship w/this ex is a redline item for you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's funny how women in relationships w/women (and I'm one of them) can set new standards for drama. Just the nature of the beast I guess.

 

Hmm ....ok I'll carry it back in the other direction a bit. Is your GF's association w/this ex really unreasonable? What's the basis of your dislike for the friendship beyond the fact that she runs you down - just that you never knew about her?

 

To play devil's advocate I can say that running down partners is kind of the job of friends, whether they be same sex or not. It serves to allow the friend w/the partner to vent. (Think wives venting to their female friends about their husbands or vice-versa.) None of us are perfect as you say so some amount of that is necessary.

 

I realize your GF's ex has an ax to grind tho and potentially an agenda, so that complicates matters. I guess what I'd suggest is asking yourself exactly what the nature of your objections are and if they're legitimate, and if they are, have a sit down talk w/your GF and tell her that a continued friendship w/this ex is a redline item for you.

 

I respectfully and completely disagree... the role of a friend can be to listen to you vent about your partner, but it absolutely isn't to be the person initiating disrespectful talk, putting your partner down, and trying to break you up. That's not a friend, if they don't respect your right to be in your relationship and don't treat your partner with respect.

 

It'd be bad enough just as a friend, but given that this girl is an ex partner, her motives are transparent, she wants you gone so she can get back with your partner. The fact that your partner has hidden this relationship from you when you made it clear you weren't comfortable with it is strike one... the fact she's repeatedly engaging with someone who's constantly putting down her partner and trying to split her relationship up is strike two.

 

She promised to delete the ex and not speak to her again and has been for a year. Do you really want to be with someone who can look you in the eye, tell you they love you, and then when your back is turned go message their ex and listen to her talk about how bad you two are together? Woman up!

[stillafool]

I think that now that your gf is free of her husband she REALLY doesn't want to settle down again, even if she loves you. She probably wants to see many people at this point. She's free.

[Rainbowlove]

My gf and I have been together for 3 years. It's been complicated - we're both women, and we're married to men, and recently each separated to be together. Two years into the relationship, I found out she had an ex-gf that I hadn't been told about, who she spoke with regularly on text and even had lunch with once behind my back. She claimed that she had forgotten this gf existed when first telling me her history, somehow the ex popped up, and my gf didn't know how to break it to me. To make things worse, we had a huge fight and she showed me their texts, and this ex of hers was saying terrible things about me, obviously trying to break us up. It was a terrible discovery, I was so hurt. But I loved her, she promised to delete the ex from BBM and I didn't want to lose her over something like that. So she promised the ex was gone, and we moved on.

 

Fast forward a year. Long story short, I discover the ex on my gf's phone again (by accident) and in fact it appears that my gf has been talking to the ex all year. And of course the ex is continuing to say terrible things about me (I'm controlling, disrespectful, "need therapy" etc). I'm not perfect, but these comments have no basis in fact, and in fact sometimes are completely the opposite of reality. (My gf defends these comments on the basis that she was venting to her ex and didn't give her the full picture, and the ex was just trying to make her feel better) This time, there isn't much explanation as to why my gf was talking to her ex behind my back, other than the ex kept contacting my gf, and my gf would only talk to her when she and I were having issues (the facts kind of support that, but who can remember back a whole year?).

 

I don't know what do to. I don't believe she is cheating at all (and I have seen the texts) and I believe my gf loves me (she told the ex as much). But why would she sacrifice our relationship over this? She has other friends she can talk to (one is even another ex that I support the friendship with), and her ex's advice is pretty superficial and her "insight" isn't exactly the deep thoughts of Plato if you know what I mean. My gf thinks I'm being petty, and this is a non-issue. But she really fought me about the idea of telling this ex to stay away, and stop being so disrespectful to me. She deleted the ex from BBM, apparently after telling her she was causing issues between us. But the ex came back 3 days later on text. To me, that is clear as water that this ex is trying to cause trouble, and my gf doesn't really see it, and doesn't want to do anything about it. I love her so much, any advice??

 

Bottom line...

 

Your GF isn't respecting your emotional needs. Period.

 

It's not a matter of whether or not you believe if she's cheating. It's a matter of can you trust her?

 

If she's lying to you about the ex and placing that relationship a head of you, I think you need to make a strong stand against this ex-meddling.

 

There's not a lesbian alive who hasn't had to have a current GF ditch a lingering ex.

 

Join in the masses...and stand tall and give the ultimatum.

[jenc]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, they are very helpful. I really was starting to think maybe I was the fruitcake in this scenario! It helps a great deal to hear your objective opinions.

 

 

To clarify what upsets me about the friendship, of course it was upsetting to discover it as part of an ongoing lie. However I recognize that partners need their own independent friends, and even to vent once in a while (Jen1447 - I hear ya about the girl drama!). But this ex is so incredibly caustic, she can take even the best of intentions and turn them into an attack against me. A few examples: (i) I help to pay my gf's rent, the ex says that is "manipulative"; (ii) I was missing my gf a lot at Christmas as we spent it apart this year, the ex says those feelings are disrespectful to my gf's children (what?); (iii) if we have an argument, our relationship is "unhealthy"; if I try to find a solution to our problems, I'm "controlling"; if I back off and allow my gf to find her own way, I'm "cold"; if I express guilt or any emotion about leaving my family, I "need therapy" and my gf needs to find someone "normal". And on and on it goes.

 

 

I am certainly not perfect, but I truly believe that even in the toughest of times, I have always been very decent and fair with my gf. But the ex is relentless in her endeavors to cast me as the root cause of all evil (and points to her for creativity on that front - I wish someone would "manipulate" me by paying my rent...)

 

 

Anyways, now for the update. My gf told the ex to cease all contact. Within 30 minutes of which, of course, the ex contacted her. *sigh* With some prompting (I know, I know), my gf made some references to how inappropriate their discussions behind my back had been, and reiterated the request for no contact. I doubt it will last. The ex is inherently disrespectful (or just not that bright, I'm not sure which) and always returns. It will be up to my gf as to whether she continues to enable the situation, which I clearly cannot control. In the meantime, I am left feeling completely underappreciated and abused, like I've had to battle 10 rounds for even a shred of respect. For some reason, that is a feeling worse than the broken trust, and ultimately I think the impact of those feelings will be the real determining factor here.

Edited January 5, 2016 by jenc

[acrosstheuniverse]

My gf told the ex to cease all contact. Within 30 minutes of which, of course, the ex contacted her. *sigh* With some prompting (I know, I know), my gf made some references to how inappropriate their discussions behind my back had been, and reiterated the request for no contact. I doubt it will last. The ex is inherently disrespectful (or just not that bright, I'm not sure which) and always returns. It will be up to my gf as to whether she continues to enable the situation, which I clearly cannot control. In the meantime, I am left feeling completely underappreciated and abused, like I've had to battle 10 rounds for even a shred of respect. For some reason, that is a feeling worse than the broken trust, and ultimately I think the impact of those feelings will be the real determining factor here.

 

Right on the money. The problem here really isn't the ex, she can't force your girlfriend to be in touch with her, you can block people on most phones, all social media, if she really wanted her out of her life she'd make it happen.

 

It must be horrible, like you say you've had to battle ten rounds for a shred of respect, which you still understandably don't think will be the end of it. You shouldn't have to fight so hard just to gain an inch of ground when your girlfriend is in the wrong to begin with. Even if the ex does choose to stay away now, you'll know that it's because you had to really lean on your girlfriend to say that stuff, not that she wanted to do it alone. It's degrading.

[jen1447]

I wouldn't necessarily toss it all away now that your GF's started moving in the direction you want jen.

 

This is all speculation based on little info for the rest of us but you actually know her - is she trustworthy or not? If she is, then great, maybe it's just a slower process for her to see things for what they are and straighten out. (Not sexually haha. ) If she's not, then this is all moot anyway and you shouldn't be playing around w/her at all, for anything.

[jenc]

Well I tried to initiate some dialogue with her, and it fell flat. She basically told me she had done what I asked by eliminating the ex and she doesn't want to waste her time talking about it anymore. I tried to tell her that lying to me for over a year wasn't going to be resolved in an afternoon, and she hung up on me. So I guess that's that. The ex might be gone, but without her accepting responsibility for the hurt she has caused, it will happen again (or something like it). I don't believe she is the cheating type, and she can be very caring and sweet, but this isn't the first time that my feelings have been treated as being inconvenient. Which I guess is really what led to this whole situation in the first place. If my feelings had ever really mattered enough to her, she would have dealt with me directly on our issues, had my back with third parties from the beginning, and this whole situation would never have even happened. Mystery solved.

 

I tried so hard with that relationship, I was really hopeful and it's sad to see it all end on something so avoidable/predictable. Thanks to you all for listening. At least I know I'm not over-reacting, and I have the right to take care of myself first now for a change. Hugs to you all.

Edited January 5, 2016 by jenc