Earning trust after Physical Abuse

[BMI03]

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. When we met, she was seven months out of a six year relationship. She has shared a lot about her past relationship with me and it sounds that although their six years had some on-again/off-again moments, as though they were truly in love. But when it ended, it ended ugly. He had physically assaulted her three times. Once about five years in. Once about a three months before their break up, and once again which led to the break up. The assaults sound serious, with hospital visits required, and at least one permanent eye injury. The break up was devastating to her, and panic attacks that followed were due I believe in part from her relationship ending, and part from the fear of what had occurred.

 

I am a fairly mild mannered guy, slow to temper, and I like talking things through. Whenever we argue, I usually want to sit down and talk logically about things, hear each other out and get a chance to see the problem from each other’s shoes. This wasn’t traditionally her way of arguing in her old relationship, but she embarrassed that approach herself for her own reasons, at the time unknown to me.

 

Last night we had a disagreement. Most of our disagreements come down to a miscommunication of some sort. In this particular one I felt attacked by her. Long story short, I asked a question about her day at work, and she took it offensively. I still have no idea why but she perceived some tone where none was meant. Not important for this discussion board, but I felt as though I was being told that I spoke ugly to her for a question as well meant as “How was your day?”. I was dumbfounded at her reaction to it and I felt attacked. She left the room and took a shower. When she returned, an exchange occurred in which I raised my voice and had what I imagine was a very animated tone. Questions like “Explain to me!’ and “I literally have zero clue how you think what I said was ugly!”. I was completely baffled and felt defensive of myself being told I did something that I had zero understanding of. I left to the bedroom, ripping my own shirt. She left the building, and then returned 5 minutes later to talk, which we did.

 

The subject of the disagreement is fine and settled, but what I need some help on is her reaction to my raised voice. I rarely raise my voice. That’s probably the first time in a year with her she has heard it. It’s also the first time I felt so unjustly attacked without explanation as well. But it scared my girlfriend. For me, though raising of a voice is not a normal occurrence at all, it isn’t a dangerous one either. It is a progression of an argument into a place you don’t want, resulting mostly from heightened emotions and not feeling heard, but never as a staging ground for escalation to something physical. Again, I say in MY experience. I have had no exposure to domestic violence, so that as a next step doesn’t even come to mind as conceivable. To her its different. Not that she believes I personally am capable of violence, but once you have had one person who says they love you do that to you, she sees a whole other potential sequence playing out when someone is agitated. When the dust settled she made some comments that I felt grouped me with her abuser: “Maybe it’s me who brings on these kinds of things.”, “I’ve heard you say three things tonight that he would always say.”. Grouping me with her abuser like that doesn’t feel very cool.

 

I came from a long term relationship where my feelings were crushed into submission, so to stand up for myself and be emotional about something is healthy for me (albeit I don’t aim to get to a point of a raised voice). She comes from a place where she can become fearful of what comes after a heated discussion. The answer is obviously the way we have been managing it through calm discussion, and that will not be a problem for me now that I have an appreciation for how she can perceive danger in raising of voices, but how do I help her gain a trust that because that happened to her once, it isn’t in the cards in this relationship? Is time the only answer?

[carhill]

Whatever happened in prior relationships or marriages, save for police reports or court documents, is her 'story'. Accept its veracity as you see fit. The results of those relationships are hers to accept and work through. You aren't the guy who physically assaulted her.

 

If 'blue skies are beautiful' comments or questions turn unexpectedly ugly, watch out for that.

 

Have you met her family? How did that go?

 

It's normal to earn trust, and that's a two-way street. However, one shouldn't be expected to earn trust by walking on eggshells. That's unhealthy.

[BMI03]

Whatever happened in prior relationships or marriages, save for police reports or court documents, is her 'story'. Accept its veracity as you see fit. The results of those relationships are hers to accept and work through. You aren't the guy who physically assaulted her.

 

If 'blue skies are beautiful' comments or questions turn unexpectedly ugly, watch out for that.

 

Have you met her family? How did that go?

 

It's normal to earn trust, and that's a two-way street. However, one shouldn't be expected to earn trust by walking on eggshells. That's unhealthy.

 

Thanks for your response carhill. I appreciate that.

 

Fair point on the trusting of her story. I know enough to know that what she tells me is one side of things. But I do trust it in this case. If anything she is still very much in the ‘I blame myself’ and ‘But he really has a good heart’ stage (see the other post I started for details there, I would be curious of your thoughts on that one too!). So she if anything has painted herself as half to blame in those incidents with her ex, however I am the one in disagreement with that. The way I was raised, you don’t EVER raise your hand to a woman.

 

As for the disagreement, I am feeling ok there. It was the first time I felt so attacked, but I believe it was due to a carryover of a prior disagreement, and her oversensitivity to that, combined with a facial expression she thought she saw with my question that I can chalk up only to the idea that maybe my face was skewed because of some dry winter lips that have been chapped and bleeding a bit when I manipulate my mouth normally. Either way, not a hill to die on and I can live with it as a miscommunication we now have an understanding on, or at minimum an agreement to disagree with what the interaction looked like.

 

And yes, I have met her family. Great people and we get along well. Why that question? Is there something specific about that you are thinking about?

 

And I totally agree with you on the walking on eggshells bit. It is not something I have ever had to do with her, nor do I want it to become so. I want to be as expressive as I have learned to be with her (it was her that has pulled that expressive side out of me). I want to be able to be animated when I am upset about something. I agree with her that raised voices are not productive or make someone hear you any better, but I want to be able to be expressive and know that she can experience that from me without becoming fearful. I don’t know if that’s possible with the past experiences she has had. To be clear, she never actually felt in danger in this incident. But she did feel a need to diffuse it and walk away, which is unlike her.

 

Counselling? Anger management sessions together? What’s a potential means by which to teach a couple arguing that allows to expression without fear given past experiences?

[carhill]

I mentioned family because FOO is, for most folks, the single largest contributor to how their brain formed. It provided the genetics, the role models, the socialization, the messages of living that we take forward in our lives for nearly all aspects of living.

 

Here's an idea which worked for my exW and I, respecting she had FOO and past experiences which gave triggers. I won't take credit, rather will give it to our MC. She, and you, can agree, when she's feeling triggered, rather than continuing and/or devolving the disagreement into the red tape of her past, disengaging with the agreement to revisit later. While I didn't discover this until most of our love was gone, I did see limited success with it. IMO, worth a try. It respects that she has triggers and you respect them, and her, but deserve your hearing too. If you approach things as a team, everyone benefits.

[BMI03]

I mentioned family because FOO is, for most folks, the single largest contributor to how their brain formed. It provided the genetics, the role models, the socialization, the messages of living that we take forward in our lives for nearly all aspects of living.

 

Here's an idea which worked for my exW and I, respecting she had FOO and past experiences which gave triggers. I won't take credit, rather will give it to our MC. She, and you, can agree, when she's feeling triggered, rather than continuing and/or devolving the disagreement into the red tape of her past, disengaging with the agreement to revisit later. While I didn't discover this until most of our love was gone, I did see limited success with it. IMO, worth a try. It respects that she has triggers and you respect them, and her, but deserve your hearing too. If you approach things as a team, everyone benefits.

 

I think that sounds like a great idea. It's not unlike what her and I discussed last night. We decided that any time an argument feels like its leading into a space where voices could be raised (the trigger for her spidy senses kicking in that a potentially dangerous situation could be a few steps away), that its time to break and go our separate ways for a little bit....ie I will go for a walk before returning to talk. Again, in one year, this is the first argument that has led to raised voices, so I feel having that rule in place will be enough to ensure no future situations that make her feel unsafe.

 

I think your advice is insightful. I'm sorry to hear it was a late realization, but having gone through a divorce of my own, I hope that the end result is a healthier place for you both today.

[carhill]

Yeah, unfortunately MC came late but IMO it was tremendously helpful. If I faced a situation like yours in the future with a new partner, I'd suggest it, presuming we were both focused on being a committed couple. With dating situations, no bueno. I'd just walk away. No harm, no foul, no desire to navigate that minefield anymore if presented with it early.

 

If you haven't had a clear, and calm, conversation about how you each approach disagreements and triggers and what I call 'red tapes', then IMO that's worth broaching. Agree on the ground rules, hug, and proceed, with the goal being the team being uplifting for both.

[BMI03]

Yeah, unfortunately MC came late but IMO it was tremendously helpful. If I faced a situation like yours in the future with a new partner, I'd suggest it, presuming we were both focused on being a committed couple. With dating situations, no bueno. I'd just walk away. No harm, no foul, no desire to navigate that minefield anymore if presented with it early.

 

If you haven't had a clear, and calm, conversation about how you each approach disagreements and triggers and what I call 'red tapes', then IMO that's worth broaching. Agree on the ground rules, hug, and proceed, with the goal being the team being uplifting for both.

 

That's good advice. We more or less did just that this morning. We designated a word to be used when one of us feels the argument may escalate into a place where voices could be raised. At that word, we will break away for a while.

 

Again, an argument like this was a once in a year type thing, so I don't expect it to be an ongoing issue now that I understand her sensitivity to it based on her past experiences. But I do want her to walk away with confidence that she doesn't need to worry about that sort of escalation with me. If just not taking a disagreement to the foothills of such a place is what's needed, then that's what I will do. I don't want her to feel that way ever again, and I don't ever want her to group me in with the individual who thought it was ok to do that to her.

 

Thanks again carhill. I appreciate your advice. And again, if you have some more time some time, I had started one other thread and I would be very interested in your take on this relationship overall. I had some other concerns I articulated there (sorry it's a bit long).

 

Enjoy the rest of your day all.

[BettyDraper]

I mentioned family because FOO is, for most folks, the single largest contributor to how their brain formed. It provided the genetics, the role models, the socialization, the messages of living that we take forward in our lives for nearly all aspects of living.

 

Here's an idea which worked for my exW and I, respecting she had FOO and past experiences which gave triggers. I won't take credit, rather will give it to our MC. She, and you, can agree, when she's feeling triggered, rather than continuing and/or devolving the disagreement into the red tape of her past, disengaging with the agreement to revisit later. While I didn't discover this until most of our love was gone, I did see limited success with it. IMO, worth a try. It respects that she has triggers and you respect them, and her, but deserve your hearing too. If you approach things as a team, everyone benefits.

 

Very true about FOO. Meeting a partner's family provides such insight into their behavior.

 

I think the OP is wonderful for being willing to work with his girlfriend.

[BMI03]

Very true about FOO. Meeting a partner's family provides such insight into their behavior.

 

I think the OP is wonderful for being willing to work with his girlfriend.

 

Thank you for that comment.

 

I don't want to just assume that a relationship will work because two people love each other. I want to know I am doing what I can to make this a place she wants to remain, not just now, but for a long time to come.

[carhill]

Being a bit older and divorced a number of years, experience seems to have morphed visions of ladies I might otherwise be attracted to from 'you and me forever babe' to 'let's enjoy today'. Expectations, not necessarily of them, but of myself, have changed. Some of that is the result of what you're dealing with right now. Even under the best of circumstances, and with all the 'right stuff' on board, things can go sideways at any moment for any reason, or no reason at all. They just go. Poof. Anymore I tend to invest in the men who've stood by me over decades. Women, I enjoy but have no illusions about. The ones I've had contact with in life have taught me a lot.

 

Since it seems you went from being solidly married to a marriage ending and a new partner solidifying early in that process, apparently nearly a year ago, it sounds like things will work out. It's important that people feel needed, as well as wanted. It's good glue and it sounds like you all have that. Do some fine tuning and perhaps she'll be the one rolling your wheelchair around in old age. One never knows.

[BMI03]

Being a bit older and divorced a number of years, experience seems to have morphed visions of ladies I might otherwise be attracted to from 'you and me forever babe' to 'let's enjoy today'. Expectations, not necessarily of them, but of myself, have changed. Some of that is the result of what you're dealing with right now. Even under the best of circumstances, and with all the 'right stuff' on board, things can go sideways at any moment for any reason, or no reason at all. They just go. Poof. Anymore I tend to invest in the men who've stood by me over decades. Women, I enjoy but have no illusions about. The ones I've had contact with in life have taught me a lot.

 

Since it seems you went from being solidly married to a marriage ending and a new partner solidifying early in that process, apparently nearly a year ago, it sounds like things will work out. It's important that people feel needed, as well as wanted. It's good glue and it sounds like you all have that. Do some fine tuning and perhaps she'll be the one rolling your wheelchair around in old age. One never knows.

 

Thank you again cahill. I want it to work out for sure. I understand clearly what you are saying about expectations. It's a temptation at times to want to stop caring to avoid the potential for hurt. I have done that before from within a relationship...pull my emotions back as a means to keep from being hurt, and eventually pull myself out of love. It has its advantages. I may get there, but I don't want that right now. I want to go all in and put my heart on the line with her. But I hope to do that with all her cards on the table too so we are making informed decisions.

 

You have been a great help today. Thank you very very much.

[turnera]

You may also want to add in a 'state of the union' meeting once a month or so, wherein you are free to speak your mind, both of you agree to listen without getting defensive, it's for informational purposes only, so that you can incorporate what you learn into the relationship. That way, you know the rest of the month that you can relax and enjoy it, not ruin it, knowing that there's a day coming where you can discuss things that are bothering you.

[Miss Peach]

I think it's good you were both able to talk, hear each other, and come up with an idea to help things next time. This bodes well IME.

[BMI03]

You may also want to add in a 'state of the union' meeting once a month or so, wherein you are free to speak your mind, both of you agree to listen without getting defensive, it's for informational purposes only, so that you can incorporate what you learn into the relationship. That way, you know the rest of the month that you can relax and enjoy it, not ruin it, knowing that there's a day coming where you can discuss things that are bothering you.

 

Thanks turnera. Aside from one particular item that is hanging over my head a fair bit (see the other post I started) we are typically pretty good at talking out feelings as soon as they come up without ruining anything. My concern here was specifically on what actions to carry out to make her feel more safe given her past relationships.

 

Thanks again.

[BMI03]

I think it's good you were both able to talk, hear each other, and come up with an idea to help things next time. This bodes well IME.

 

Thanks for the comment. I think it's good as well.

[BMI03]

Just a quick follow up to say that since that particular disagreement, everything has been fine. I am now a lot more concious of the sensitivities of arguing with someone who has had abuse as part of a past relationship. Not to say that we will not still have disagreements...we do, but more in the tune of how all of our other disagreements over the past year have been.....conversational and healthy....not raised voice and argumentative. It's good to be aware of what her sense of an escalation scale looks like differently from mine. It will make me more concious of the triggers that could alarm her, and completely avoid them.

 

Thanks everyone for the help.

[BettyDraper]

Just a quick follow up to say that since that particular disagreement, everything has been fine. I am now a lot more concious of the sensitivities of arguing with someone who has had abuse as part of a past relationship. Not to say that we will not still have disagreements...we do, but more in the tune of how all of our other disagreements over the past year have been.....conversational and healthy....not raised voice and argumentative. It's good to be aware of what her sense of an escalation scale looks like differently from mine. It will make me more concious of the triggers that could alarm her, and completely avoid them.

 

Thanks everyone for the help.

 

You're welcome. Keep on being a good man...the world needs more of those.

[BMI03]

You're welcome. Keep on being a good man...the world needs more of those.

 

Thanks BettyDraper. I appreciate your support and praise for being a nice guy. I wouldn't mind some insight from you on whether I may be going too far in that direction with some other issues I am facing in this relationship if you would be willing to read the other post I started?