Reason to be concerned?

[jackson74280]

Will spare you on the details of the relationship....but had something happen 2 months ago that I can't seem to stop thinking about. I need to know others opinion and should I have reason for concern.....

 

One morning the phone goes off while girlfriend is in shower. It is the girlfriends phone with a text message that says "Wanna bop my bologna?" from a guy I have never heard of before. I ask her right away who this guy is and why is he sending this message. She says he sends inappropriate stuff sometimes...but usually just referring to her as "dear" or "babe"....and this is the first time he has taken things this far. She calls the guy up right then and there and tells him to stop sending these messages and they are inappropriate. I grab the phone and tell the guy the same thing (both to reinforce the point as well as to make sure there is actually someone on the phone).

 

Guy is someone who girlfriend works with (another company she does business with) and lives on the other side of the country. Only person to person contact with my girlfriend is at semi annual trade shows.

 

When discussing the issue with my girlfriend she insists that nothing has ever happened between them and that this is the first message she has received that has been "over the top".

 

What do you think......is there something here for me to be concerned about? I really want to believe my girlfriend, but the whole thing doesn't feel right to me. Creating trust issues that are now impacting our relationship in other ways.

 

3 year relationship, in our early 40s.

[frigginlost]

Will spare you on the details of the relationship....but had something happen 2 months ago that I can't seem to stop thinking about. I need to know others opinion and should I have reason for concern.....

 

One morning the phone goes off while girlfriend is in shower. It is the girlfriends phone with a text message that says "Wanna bop my bologna?" from a guy I have never heard of before. I ask her right away who this guy is and why is he sending this message. She says he sends inappropriate stuff sometimes...but usually just referring to her as "dear" or "babe"....and this is the first time he has taken things this far. She calls the guy up right then and there and tells him to stop sending these messages and they are inappropriate. I grab the phone and tell the guy the same thing (both to reinforce the point as well as to make sure there is actually someone on the phone).

 

Guy is someone who girlfriend works with (another company she does business with) and lives on the other side of the country. Only person to person contact with my girlfriend is at semi annual trade shows.

 

When discussing the issue with my girlfriend she insists that nothing has ever happened between them and that this is the first message she has received that has been "over the top".

 

What do you think......is there something here for me to be concerned about? I really want to believe my girlfriend, but the whole thing doesn't feel right to me. Creating trust issues that are now impacting our relationship in other ways.

 

3 year relationship, in our early 40s.

 

She did the right thing by calling him right then and there to inform him to stop. Sounds legit. Brush it off, but just be aware.

 

If he does it again, she needs to full blown block him. If she won't, that's a major red flag.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I dunno, this seems fishy to me. There is no way any male friend or acquaintance of mine would send me a message like that, I mean it's immature and childish, sexual overtones, it's not like a flirty joke, it's actually a proposition. It's strange that it came on its own. People don't usually send those messages unless they've been encouraged and made to feel comfortable in doing so. Also, you wanna bet on the fact that the one time you actually saw this message was the first time he'd really crossed the line? It means nothing that she rang him in front of you. She rang and said 'stop sending the inappropriate messages' implying more than one... she should have been shutting him down the first time!

 

I'm not saying she's having an affair, but... I think there's definitely something inappropriate going on there. Maybe an overly flirty friendship that has been kept secret for an ego boost, or perhaps a budding emotional affair.

 

Not to mention that he's a work associate. Something has to be going on for him to think it's okay to send a work associate that message. Only exception I can think of is perhaps if he's superior to her and she feels pressured to play nice in order to not upset the apple cart at work, but if they're either totally unrelated in the world of work or the same level, there's no acceptable reason why she received that and hadn't already asserted her boundaries...

[jackson74280]

Well the previous 2 replies pretty much summarize where my head is at....confused! Naturally I worry about worst case scenario and use this as justification for not giving the relationship my all. I pull back. In fact, now we are on a "break" for a month due to her concerns about my inability to provide the emotional support she needs. Reality is.....her concerns are valid. Reality is...my lack of effort is directly a result of my trust issues.

 

Fun stuff.

 

Gonna use this break time to evaluate if this trust issue is something I can overcome or if I need to end the relationship. She says she wants a break to determine what she needs in her life to be generally happier. She says she will not be seeing anyone else. I hope that is true, but again my trust issues make me wonder if she is actually doing this to evaluate her feelings for someone else!

[lolablue17]

I think that everything is possible, but everything is possible all the time with every girl in any situation. The incident you've mentioned here seems nothing to me. My experience taught me to be afraid of thing you don't see, things that are very quiet . This is not the case.

 

But there is much more important thing. You say you're on a break because of your pulling back, and she says the break is about "to determine what she needs in her life to be generally happier". It's not the same. Your attitude may have raised thing up to above surface, but it may be just an excuse.

 

I have never agreed to breaks. A break can be for few hours, or 1-2 days the maximum. Otherwise it's a break up for me. If you love her and decides to be with her I advice you to drop this stupid text she got, ignore it (Good to be alerted, but it's always true ), and tell her that you believe her and wants to put it all behind you. If she wants to keep the break while searching herself in life, it means her life is gonna be without you, because otherwise you're going to move on starting today.

[11012015]

that this is the first message she has received that has been "over the top". .

 

Oh please. And that happened at the moment you picked up the phone. Come on!

[11012015]

She did the right thing by calling him right then and there to inform him to stop.

 

And there is a possibility, she called him again (some other time) and said "Hey, sorry I had to say that. He was around."

[11012015]

She says she wants a break to determine what she needs in her life to be generally happier. She says she will not be seeing anyone else. I hope that is true, but again my trust issues make me wonder if she is actually doing this to evaluate her feelings for someone else!

 

What a strange timing for a 'break.' Open your eyes my friend. Break = I'm going to see if I can make it work with someone else but I don't want you to disappear if that doesn't work and I go back to you."

[Grewd]

You're indecisive, you gotta decide if you trust her or not. If you don't you know it's pretty much over, if you do then lay it out clearly. By laying it out I mean telling her you were afraid she had something going on with this guy, you were unsure for a good while and it really bothered you, but you've decided to fully trust her. But first you have to decide, own that decision and really mean it. You gotta make sure this won't come back to bother you and ultimately ruin the relationship.

[PegNosePete]

What a strange timing for a 'break.' Open your eyes my friend. Break = I'm going to see if I can make it work with someone else but I don't want you to disappear if that doesn't work and I go back to you."

Yeah, pretty much this. There is no such thing as a "break". Just a "break up".

 

Never, ever agree to a break. Relationship issues are not solved by breaks. They are solved by the exact opposite: open, honest communication.

 

She decided she wanted a break, that means she wants to see if she can make it on her own, without you. That is not the action of someone who is committed to making the relationship work. It is the action of someone who has one foot out the door already, and is already emotionally disconnected. When a woman is emotionally disconnected it almost always means the relationship is dead.

[Friskyone4u]

Jackson,

 

That message you intercepted was not the first inappropriate message, and in today's business world could get his ass fired. Either he is really stupid, or she has encouraged him.

 

As the others have told you, most of the time when a woman wants a "break", instead of communicating and working it out with you around, it means there is another man around.

 

Your problem now is you have given her the perfect opportunity to continue with whatever she is doing without you around.

 

I hope you are not going to tell us that this trade show or semi annual business meeting they see each other at is coming up during your "break".????? If that is the case, it becomes very clear what is happening.

 

So when you end this break, I guess you are just going to take her word for it they there was no dating or anything??????? If you are uncertain now, guess what you are going to be then??????

 

Next question is do either of them travel overnight by airplane for business. If the answer to that one is yes, then do not be so sure that they cannot hook up even though they are in different parts of country.

 

What she SHOULD have done is be sorry it upset you and offered on her own to tell him any more texts and she will go to HR. Apparently, what she did was pacify you and I agree, based on her wanting space, my guess is she called him on her business phone and told him she got caught.

 

Not sure now in that you gave in to her how you will get the truth that you can verify and believe.

[Try]

In fact, now we are on a "break" for a month due to her concerns about my inability to provide the emotional support she needs.

You will learn that her interpretation of a break means that she is no longer in an exclusive relationship with you, and that she is free to pursue other relationships. The timing of the text means that since the two of you are on a break, she is allowed to and getting "the emotional support she needs" from this other man ("OM"). If you check her text messaging history provided by the carrier, you will see just how often she has been texting this OM just prior to and during the break. She is very likely entering into or already in an emotional affair ("EA") with this OM. If you were not on a break her being in an EA with this OM would be considered cheating.

 

Tell her to end the break, and to go full not contact for life with this other man, if she wants to have a future with you. If she does not agree, then you will know where you really stand, and should immediately plan a future without her. When dealing with EAs time is not on your side, and decisiveness and strength is your friend. Good luck to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that she asked for a break right when this happened speaks volumes. Sorry, but I think there was/is more going on with them. She's blame-shifting because she knows she was up to no good.

 

Don't agree to this break and let her make a fool out of you. She is now free to "bop his bologna" while you try to find a way to make it work? Uh-uh. Tell her you're either together or you're broken up, not "on a break."

 

Did nobody learn from Ross and Rachel?

[Try]

Did nobody learn from Ross and Rachel?

To no avail, Ross kept explaining to Rachel that it was OK that he had another girl "bop his bologna" because they were on "a break". One of the more important plot lines of the series.

[jackson74280]

Or I could give her the benefit of doubt and just get over the whole text situation and accept the current break is based on exactly what she told me and has nothing to do with another guy.....

 

There are facts and there are assumptions. All of the assumptions people keep bringing up (there is another guy, there was more going on than what she said, she has ulterior motives for taking a break) are all based on peoples baggage they are bringing into this conversation.

 

I will give her the benefit of doubt, I will trust what she is saying, I will give her the break she requested. Worst case is she was lying about everything and I don't have a girlfriend in a month when the break is over. Upset now for sure OR possibly upset later. Easy choice for me.

 

Seems a lot of folks here are so jaded and their egos are so fragile that they have to run at the first sign of anything questionable happening in the relationship. Always looking like a hawk for a red flag and if so, assume the worst a break up with the person, all in an effort to somehow save your ego.

 

Thanks everyone for your input

[smackie9]

You need to emotionally detach and take another look.... why does this guy have her number in the first place, why does she not block him if he sends her "inappropriate" messages.?? And now she wants a break....busted. I smell manipulation....turning the blame on you to hide her tracks. I think she should just own it.

[jackson74280]

Guy has her number because she works with him (different company...he is a vendor)

 

She had not blocked him because she said it was never this inappropriate...previously it just said things like "dear" and "babe"

 

To her credit....she did offer to let me look through her phone, facebook, etc as soon as this happened.

[Try]

There are facts and there are assumptions.

The facts are that your girlfriend got a text message from this other man ("OM") that stated "Wanna bop my bologna?" The facts are that since she asked to be on a break from your relationship, she is free to develop her relationship with this OM (being on a break has meaning). The facts are that there is a reason that this OM felt free to talk this sexual to your girlfriend (currently your ex-girlfriend when you factor in that you are on break). The facts are that there is no positive way to interpret that she asked for a break from your relationship. These are facts and not assumptions. Stating that you should end the break and demand no contact with this OM if you want to improve the chances of saving your relationship with her is based on these facts and not on assumptions.

[Marc878]

Or I could give her the benefit of doubt and just get over the whole text situation and accept the current break is based on exactly what she told me and has nothing to do with another guy.....

 

There are facts and there are assumptions. All of the assumptions people keep bringing up (there is another guy, there was more going on than what she said, she has ulterior motives for taking a break) are all based on peoples baggage they are bringing into this conversation.

 

I will give her the benefit of doubt, I will trust what she is saying, I will give her the break she requested. Worst case is she was lying about everything and I don't have a girlfriend in a month when the break is over. Upset now for sure OR possibly upset later. Easy choice for me.

 

Seems a lot of folks here are so jaded and their egos are so fragile that they have to run at the first sign of anything questionable happening in the relationship. Always looking like a hawk for a red flag and if so, assume the worst a break up with the person, all in an effort to somehow save your ego.

 

Thanks everyone for your input

 

Actually the input from here comes from experience. Most have seen this senario played out before. The truth always comes out. Probably 90% of the time a separartion is to try out or spend time with another man.

 

A lot like you are in denial and hoping for the best. Hey, it's your life but make no mistake. You came here for a reason. I bet if you checked her phone bill the facts would jump out at you.

 

Hiding from what may be the truth won't get you very much but good luck anyway.

 

Sorry you are here.

[ExpatInItaly]

Or I could give her the benefit of doubt and just get over the whole text situation and accept the current break is based on exactly what she told me and has nothing to do with another guy.....

 

There are facts and there are assumptions. All of the assumptions people keep bringing up (there is another guy, there was more going on than what she said, she has ulterior motives for taking a break) are all based on peoples baggage they are bringing into this conversation.

 

I will give her the benefit of doubt, I will trust what she is saying, I will give her the break she requested. Worst case is she was lying about everything and I don't have a girlfriend in a month when the break is over. Upset now for sure OR possibly upset later. Easy choice for me.

 

Seems a lot of folks here are so jaded and their egos are so fragile that they have to run at the first sign of anything questionable happening in the relationship. Always looking like a hawk for a red flag and if so, assume the worst a break up with the person, all in an effort to somehow save your ego.

 

Thanks everyone for your input

 

Not really. It is unrelated to ego. You know something doesn't feel right or you wouldn't have even characterized this as suspicious. But you did.

 

I am speaking from experience. Both as the cheater and the betrayed partner. Yep, I've been on both sides of that coin.

 

And this smells very bad indeed.

[Poutrew]

You missed out on a really good chance to find out the truth when it first happened. When the message first appeared you could have answered it with a nicely suggestive comment, such as, "You wanna 'bop' now? When have I ever come running <grin>? " Then see what the guy says...

 

As far as your GF offering to let you see her phone, there really is no point if she has deleted every suggestive text before she hands it to you. Explain to her that she may have sanitized the phone itself, but if she would let you look at her actual bill, it will show how many times they have been calling each other. If she refuses, it will be because she is busted and knows it. No one calls or texts a supplier hundreds of times (which will be the case if they are having an affair)...so it will stand out like a sore thumb. You will have your answer.

[Darren Steez]

Well the previous 2 replies pretty much summarize where my head is at....confused! Naturally I worry about worst case scenario and use this as justification for not giving the relationship my all. I pull back. In fact, now we are on a "break" for a month due to her concerns about my inability to provide the emotional support she needs. Reality is.....her concerns are valid. Reality is...my lack of effort is directly a result of my trust issues.

 

Fun stuff.

 

Gonna use this break time to evaluate if this trust issue is something I can overcome or if I need to end the relationship. She says she wants a break to determine what she needs in her life to be generally happier. She says she will not be seeing anyone else. I hope that is true, but again my trust issues make me wonder if she is actually doing this to evaluate her feelings for someone else!

 

Which one is it? Your lack of emotional support or that she need to find "what exactly" in her life to make her happier?

 

She's 40 years old? And you bought that vague waffle? What exactly is she going to find in a month that she does not already know? School, a business plan, a deal..why would she need a break from you if that's the case? Then some guy is talking about bopping his bologna? Sorry man, how do you escalate from sometimes telling a woman dear to come and have sex with me?

 

You're 40 years old, not 15. You need a break, you tell her to pack her clothes and be gone.

[jackson74280]

A point of clarity here. The texting incident happened 2 months ago. The break she wants just happened.

 

The break was spurred by her getting super depressed over Christmas (i mean full on break down into tears depression). Something she has been seeing a therapist about. She was making things sound like her sadness was all because I couldn't give her the emotional support she needed. And she is correct in that I should have given her more support at that time. We get into argument....few days later she says she wants a break so she can sort things out in her life.

 

Since we have been on a break I have come to the conclusion that she isn't getting the emotional support from me due in large part to my trust issues (from the texting incident).

 

The whole purpose in me starting this thread was to try and get some feedback on if my trust issues were warranted or not.

[Friskyone4u]

Well you got the opinions and have decided to put your head in the sand . All the folks who took the time to respond don't know one another form ADam. But when everyone says basically the same thing in different words the group is very rarely wrong.

If you take the time to do a lot of reading on this or any other forum you will find out what happens to guys who stay in denial. But you feel that you can absorb it so that is fine.

No reason to attack people who do not tell you what you want to hear.

 

Your angry response sounds like those of these ladies who are cheating who come on here expecting congratulations for being sneaky and when the are told their behavior is not so great feel they are being attacked .

 

By the way every person here who has told you what they think hopes like hell we are wrong. The forum will be here when you get whacked again .

 

Good luck to you

[jackson74280]

Look I didn't mean my response to come across as angry. My apologies for all that I offended.

 

I recognize that just by coming on this forum that I will be interacting with folk who have been hurt by cheating. Believe me I feel sorry for everyone who has gone through that....I truly do. Nobody deserves that. But there is potential for bias in the responses....that was my only point.

 

We are trying to determine if she did anything wrong. She says this is the first time something this inappropriate has been sent. We are assuming that cannot be the case. I tend to agree that stepping up from "dear" and "babe" to requesting sex is a HUGE step....and is hard to believe.

 

There is a chance here that she is 100% telling the truth and she is a victim here as well (if the text was not provoked)

 

And yes, I recognize that I could be in denial.

 

With the exception of one response, my takeaway is that yes....I have every right to have trust issues.