Reason to be concerned?

[jackson74280]

Frisky, can you please elaborate on your comment that "you will find out what happens to guys who stay in denial"?

 

Are you saying I'm best to put and end to relationship now rather than waiting to see if cheating is actually happening and doing it then? Sounds like broken heart either way so what makes the second outcome so much worse? Is the pain on KNOWING that you were cheated on better than the pain of ASSUMING you were cheated on?

 

Again everyone, i really do appreciate your responses even if my previous post did not sound that way.

[Try]

I recognize that just by coming on this forum that I will be interacting with folk who have been hurt by cheating. Believe me I feel sorry for everyone who has gone through that....I truly do. Nobody deserves that. But there is potential for bias in the responses....that was my only point.

Unless you mean to include people related to family members that have been cheated on, which would include almost everyone, stating that "by coming on this forum that I will be interacting with folk who have been hurt by cheating" is a false statement. I (for instance) have been married for many years to my first and only wife, and to my knowledge there has been no infidelity in my marriage.

 

I, like many others, visit this and other relationship sites to find ways to improve my marriage. Toward this end, I have learned about such useful things as the book "His Needs, Her Needs". I first got redirected to this section when I followed some people here that discovered (unknown to them) that their relationship issues were caused by infidelity. For instance, it is common for people to post that their spouse told them that "I love you but I am not in love with you", only to learn that this is because they have fallen in love with someone else. Or they come her to tell us that their significant other ("SO") is no longer happy and wants a break from the relationship, only to discover that their SO is being pursued by a viable member of the opposite sex that they want to get to know better. Although the "I love you but I am not in love with you" statement, or the I want a break statement, does not mean that they are for sure cheating, the odds that they are cheating are significantly higher than normal. The title of your thread is "Reason to be concerned?" What many here are telling you is that yes their is reason to be concerned.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Try

[Try]

Are you saying I'm best to put and end to relationship now rather than waiting to see if cheating is actually happening and doing it then?

No, what we are saying is that you sometimes need to be willing to end a relationship in order to best be able to save it. In your case, if bologna guy or some other guy that she is interested in has been pursing your girlfriend, and she wants to explore this possibility, she may think that a break will allow her to do so. Your willingness to end the relationship if she does not end the break and go full no contact with the other man, so that you both can have a real chance to work on your relationship without interference from a third party, will often dramatically increase your odds of saving the relationship.

[Friskyone4u]

Jackson,

 

I'll explain, hopefully better, what I was trying to tell you. If you read most of the threads on these forums from men who have wives or girlfriends cheating on them, here are a few of the common comments

(1) she became distant

(2) sex became less frequent

(3) she locked her phone

(4) she was always on her phone

(5) she changed her passwords.

(6) SHE ASKED FOR SEPARATION OR SPACE.

 

Let's use a sports analogy. Coaches in the NFL or any sport play percentages. That is why they watch hours of film, to improve their odds of success. What everyone is telling you really has nothing to do with their pain. What it has to do with is that you have been given a MAJOR RED FLAG that oin most cases involves another man in some way.

 

The other common theme you will see from guys getting crapped all over is a refusal to believe that their girlfriend or wife could be lying to them. The denial goes on until the affair becomes much worse and harder to stop. The quicker you move to the anger stage the better you are in protecting yourself.

 

Now, you are correct. This may be nothing. But quite frankly she did not appear too outraged about another man basically asking to bang her right now, and she would not have told you if you did not find out. THAT IS A RED FLAG.

 

None of us know enough here to absolutely tell you to trust her or not. We can tell you that if you are wrong, you are going to kick yourself in the ass big time for just letting this go without getting much more at least into the "investigative mode".

 

Now, if I were you, and I am not, I would put a VAR in her car. You will know within 48 hours if she is having an inappropriate relationship with this guy or not. If she is not, you will hear nothing alarming. If she is, they will surely be talking in the car and figuring out how to not get caught again.

 

If one of your buddies told you that he caught a message from his wife's co worker asking to bang her, would you tell him just to forget about it and hope it was nothing?????

[ExpatInItaly]

A point of clarity here. The texting incident happened 2 months ago. The break she wants just happened.

 

The break was spurred by her getting super depressed over Christmas (i mean full on break down into tears depression). Something she has been seeing a therapist about. She was making things sound like her sadness was all because I couldn't give her the emotional support she needed. And she is correct in that I should have given her more support at that time. We get into argument....few days later she says she wants a break so she can sort things out in her life.

 

Since we have been on a break I have come to the conclusion that she isn't getting the emotional support from me due in large part to my trust issues (from the texting incident).

 

The whole purpose in me starting this thread was to try and get some feedback on if my trust issues were warranted or not.

 

And I believe that yes, they are.

 

My personal experience is very similar to yours. I found something that I felt was suspicious (restaurant receipt for a time/date that didn't add up) and I asked my ex-boyfriend about it. I'd had no reason to suspect anything untoward until that point. He explained it away but it didn't feel right to me. We had lived together nearly 6.5 years by then.

 

He became more distant. Sex pretty much dried up. He often seemed distracted, seemed to get down and upset for no reason. I felt uneasy as I couldn't put my finger on why he was behaving that way. Right over Christmas too. 3 months after finding that receipt he ended the relationship. I found out later he indeed had been unfaithful, and had been for a little while. He told me himself he was feeling upset and distant because he felt awful that he was betraying me (not so awful that he stopped though!)

 

I'm not saying that this is definitely true in your case. But I think you'd be awfully foolish to believe that this break is only because you didn't provide emotional support. I believe she was feeling upset partly because she is feeling guilty and conflicted. And she's shifting the blame on you.

 

Sorry, but that's my take. Too many red flags to ignore.

[PegNosePete]

Or I could give her the benefit of doubt and just get over the whole text situation and accept the current break is based on exactly what she told me and has nothing to do with another guy.....

Yes, you could do that.

 

If you've got rocks for brains!!!

 

But hey, it's up to you. Just remember to post back with an update in a month, 6 months or a year, when you find out we were right all along.

[Hughes101]

Will spare you on the details of the relationship....but had something happen 2 months ago that I can't seem to stop thinking about. I need to know others opinion and should I have reason for concern.....

 

One morning the phone goes off while girlfriend is in shower. It is the girlfriends phone with a text message that says "Wanna bop my bologna?" from a guy I have never heard of before. I ask her right away who this guy is and why is he sending this message. She says he sends inappropriate stuff sometimes...but usually just referring to her as "dear" or "babe"....and this is the first time he has taken things this far. She calls the guy up right then and there and tells him to stop sending these messages and they are inappropriate. I grab the phone and tell the guy the same thing (both to reinforce the point as well as to make sure there is actually someone on the phone).

 

Guy is someone who girlfriend works with (another company she does business with) and lives on the other side of the country. Only person to person contact with my girlfriend is at semi annual trade shows.

 

When discussing the issue with my girlfriend she insists that nothing has ever happened between them and that this is the first message she has received that has been "over the top".

 

What do you think......is there something here for me to be concerned about? I really want to believe my girlfriend, but the whole thing doesn't feel right to me. Creating trust issues that are now impacting our relationship in other ways.

 

3 year relationship, in our early 40s.

 

Far more likely that she is open to this kind of attention and found a plausible deniability that you've bought into.

 

I find it very unlikely that a guy would text something like that out of the blue with nothing of that context between them before (especially add they work together, he could be risking done kind of sexual harassment issue). I'm aware thru don't work for the same employer

[MrBossMan]

Any updates?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jackson, you've got a lot of good advice from people who have been through the mill themselves. The fact is that you chose to come to this forum for advice and whether you like it or not, you were given it. What you do with that advice is your choice. While you may sift through the wealth of information presented to you and take what you need,it would be foolish of you to ignore all of it. Finally, it is your life and you have to live it so live wisely. Warm wishes.