Advice!

[Geena]

hi!

 

i was seeing someone for 4 and half years who i loved more than my own life and we broke up in may last year (10 months ago) coz i wanted a commitment and he wasnt ready, anyway in those years that we were together his sisters and friends didnt like me too much and so my ex b/f failed to make me secure enough...and so i had 2 flings while i was with him and felt guilty and told him all about them and he forgave me and we made up both times....and then i was looking for a commitment coz we were together for a long time and he was keeping me hanging....i gave him a long time to think say 1-2 years atleast...and then he told me he is not ready so we broke up 10 months ago. then i got sick of being treated like a nobody so i got into a rebound with a collegue a month after we broke up and my ex b/f found out and he came back after 3 months of us breaking up and proposed to marry me, and i was in the excitement of my rebound so i refused my ex b/f....then just after he left (he was studying abroad) i called him and said to him that i had thought and i would like to make it work, and he was not sure then, he was there and i was here, and then i got even more put off and got sort of engaged under family pressures and an arranged engagement in a way....neway then i saw my ex b/f 2 weeks after my engagment and i felt all those intence feelings for him all over again and told him but he had made up his mind to move on and said he has reached the point of no return....now its been 3 months since my engagemnt and i still love my ex b/f, (to clarify i am not actually engaged i am commited, i mean our families have commited to each other) i have tried my level best to make my immature ex b/f understand that i made all these decisions coz he was not able to make me secure and so i tried to move on but he was and still is the only one for me.....he says he ws shattered and went thru a traumatic experience then when he and i broke up and when he found out that i was almost seeing my collegue on a rebound that he was really upset and disappointed and he brainwashed himself into getting over me, neway he said eventually he moved on and is happy now....he says he is still single but i want us to get togehter and get married...what should i do to get the one i love keeping my self respect intact even though i have already let my self respect down in front of many peoples eyes...he had let me down too and made me cry ALOT while we were together and i still cry coz i miss him and the nice memories all the time...pl tell me how u think from my point of view as it would be the most wonderful thing if he and i would get married!!!! i know its really complicated but then i know my mind now and he is the only one i actually love! and want to make it work!!! help!!!

[Geena]

i wrote to ur website 3 days ago and am still waiting for a response. an immediate response would be grately appreciated....thank you....Geena

 

hi!

 

this is a long story and i would request you to be patient and understand all the points and that why i am writing in such details.

 

i was seeing someone for 4 and half years who i loved more than my own life (and thats a fact) and we broke up in May last year (10 months ago) coz i wanted a commitment and he wasn't ready, anyway in those years that we were together his sisters and friends didnt like me too much and so my ex b/f failed to make me secure enough...and so i had 2 flings while i was with him and felt guilty and told him all about them and he forgave me and we made up both times....and then i was looking for a commitment coz we were together for a long time and he was keeping me hanging....i gave him a long time to think say 1-2 years atleast...and then he told me he is not ready so we broke up 10 months ago. then i got sick of being treated like a nobody so i got into a rebound with a collegue a month after we broke up and my ex b/f found out and he came back after 3 months of us breaking up and proposed to marry me, and i was in the excitement of my rebound so i refused my ex b/f as i thought i was over him....then just after he left (he was studying abroad) i called him and said to him that i had thought and i would like to make it work, by then he was not sure, he was there and i was here, and then i got even more put off and got sort of engaged under family pressures and an arranged engagement in a way....neway then i saw my ex b/f 2 weeks after my engagment and i felt all those intense feelings for him all over again and told him but he had made up his mind to move on and said he has reached the point of no return, i tried my best to make him understand that i never meant to leave him and that we had just been unlucky but he was very sure that he wasn't interested anymore, i felt that he had made this wall around himself and that he was forcing himself to get me out of his life and to get over me, but he said that he was upset for a few months and then moved on...i am wondering whether i am building castles in the air or what and that i am fighting a lost battle, and that i am trying to fix a broken vase...i feel like he has left me in the deep seas to face the ocean on my own...now its been 3 months since my engagemnt and i still love my ex b/f, (to clarify i am not actually engaged i am commited, i mean our families have commited to each other) i have tried my level best to make my immature ex b/f understand that i made all these decisions coz he was not able to make me secure and so i tried to move on but couldnt as he was and still is the only one for me...i guess maybe i shouldnt have gotten into rebounds and gotten engaged so soon, but then whatever has happened has happened, what to do now i wanna be with him !!!!..he says he was shattered and went thru a traumatic experience then when he and i broke up and when he found out that i was almost seeing my collegue on a rebound that he was really upset and disappointed and he brainwashed himself into getting over me, neway he said eventually he moved on and is happy now....he says he is still single but i want us to get together and get married...what should i do to get the one i love, keeping my self respect intact even though i have already let my self respect down in front of many peoples eyes...he had let me down too and made me cry ALOT while we were together and i still cry coz i miss him and the nice memories all the time...pl tell me how u think from my point of view as it would be the most wonderful thing if he and i would get married!!!! i know its really complicated but then i know my mind now and he is the only one i actually love! and want to make it work!!!

 

help!!!

[JC]

Well, you are right. Your situation is a pretty tough one. I would personally think things over really good before you jump to any conclusions. are you still with the rebound guy or did you break up? also, is yuor ex still interested in you? he said he moved on and is happy now. if he is, then maybe you guys could try it again, but maybe you should also try being friends. im not an expert, but i do know this: remember to make decisions that are going to be good for both people in the long run. consider all the bad and good things about your decisions, and rethink them when you arent sure. sorry i couldnt be of more help. all the luck to you though

 

i wrote to ur website 3 days ago and am still waiting for a response. an immediate response would be grately appreciated....thank you....Geena

 

hi! this is a long story and i would request you to be patient and understand all the points and that why i am writing in such details. i was seeing someone for 4 and half years who i loved more than my own life (and thats a fact) and we broke up in May last year (10 months ago) coz i wanted a commitment and he wasn't ready, anyway in those years that we were together his sisters and friends didnt like me too much and so my ex b/f failed to make me secure enough...and so i had 2 flings while i was with him and felt guilty and told him all about them and he forgave me and we made up both times....and then i was looking for a commitment coz we were together for a long time and he was keeping me hanging....i gave him a long time to think say 1-2 years atleast...and then he told me he is not ready so we broke up 10 months ago. then i got sick of being treated like a nobody so i got into a rebound with a collegue a month after we broke up and my ex b/f found out and he came back after 3 months of us breaking up and proposed to marry me, and i was in the excitement of my rebound so i refused my ex b/f as i thought i was over him....then just after he left (he was studying abroad) i called him and said to him that i had thought and i would like to make it work, by then he was not sure, he was there and i was here, and then i got even more put off and got sort of engaged under family pressures and an arranged engagement in a way....neway then i saw my ex b/f 2 weeks after my engagment and i felt all those intense feelings for him all over again and told him but he had made up his mind to move on and said he has reached the point of no return, i tried my best to make him understand that i never meant to leave him and that we had just been unlucky but he was very sure that he wasn't interested anymore, i felt that he had made this wall around himself and that he was forcing himself to get me out of his life and to get over me, but he said that he was upset for a few months and then moved on...i am wondering whether i am building castles in the air or what and that i am fighting a lost battle, and that i am trying to fix a broken vase...i feel like he has left me in the deep seas to face the ocean on my own...now its been 3 months since my engagemnt and i still love my ex b/f, (to clarify i am not actually engaged i am commited, i mean our families have commited to each other) i have tried my level best to make my immature ex b/f understand that i made all these decisions coz he was not able to make me secure and so i tried to move on but couldnt as he was and still is the only one for me...i guess maybe i shouldnt have gotten into rebounds and gotten engaged so soon, but then whatever has happened has happened, what to do now i wanna be with him !!!!..he says he was shattered and went thru a traumatic experience then when he and i broke up and when he found out that i was almost seeing my collegue on a rebound that he was really upset and disappointed and he brainwashed himself into getting over me, neway he said eventually he moved on and is happy now....he says he is still single but i want us to get together and get married...what should i do to get the one i love, keeping my self respect intact even though i have already let my self respect down in front of many peoples eyes...he had let me down too and made me cry ALOT while we were together and i still cry coz i miss him and the nice memories all the time...pl tell me how u think from my point of view as it would be the most wonderful thing if he and i would get married!!!! i know its really complicated but then i know my mind now and he is the only one i actually love! and want to make it work!!!

 

help!!!

[Geena]

Hi JC

 

thx for your response. My ex is not interested anymore, I have told my supposed fiance that i am not sure i wanna marry him, and am gonna call it off, but i never told him the real reason about my ex. I told my ex that i have called it off more or less...but he wasnt interested. He doesnt write me, call me and ignores me all the time... the other guy who i am kinda engaged too, is very patient and understanding and is trying his best to make it work and he thinks i am nervous and getting cold feet about getting married...stuff like that. i am not interested in amrrying someone who i dont love and living my whole life a compromise, but i wanna marry someone who loves me just as much...my ex has been rather cold and selfish, coz he thinks he is right.i may have been impulsive but atleast i feel love inside and have emotions...

 

Can a person who says he loves his girlfriend the most outside his family...can he get over her in this much time?

 

Pl answer JC!

Well, you are right. Your situation is a pretty tough one. I would personally think things over really good before you jump to any conclusions. are you still with the rebound guy or did you break up? also, is yuor ex still interested in you? he said he moved on and is happy now. if he is, then maybe you guys could try it again, but maybe you should also try being friends. im not an expert, but i do know this: remember to make decisions that are going to be good for both people in the long run. consider all the bad and good things about your decisions, and rethink them when you arent sure. sorry i couldnt be of more help. all the luck to you though

[clia]

The best advice I can give you comes from a Bonnie Raiit song. It's called "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't." Buy her CD and listen to the words. You are in love with someone who clearly doesn't want you. (My God, he wouldn't commit after 4 1/2 years? And you stuck around?)

 

He's told you he wants to move on, so you must let him move on and move on yourself. You have no other options. You can't force him to be with you, and daydreaming about the 'future' you have together is a big waste of your time.

 

I don't think being engaged to someone else is the answer. (Although, what a guy to listen to you talk about how much you love some other guy!) You shouldn't make any commitment like that until you get over your ex. (And that will probably take awhile.) Don't jump into another relationship. All that will do is hide the pain for a little while. You need to allow yourself to fully heal from this complete jerkoff that you wasted your time with for 4 1/2 years. (If I keep mentioning that, it's because I can't believe it.) He didn't want to commit to you then, why would he ever want to commit to you in the future? And I hate to break it to you, but if he never committed, he was never truly your boyfriend, despite the outrageous amount of time he spent stringing you along.

 

Move on. Find your passion. Find your spirit. (Sorry...to much Oprah lately.) Get some hobbies. Spend time with your friends and family. In short, try to get back the 4 1/2 years (!) you lost. Then, once you feel secure in the person you are, you will be ready to date again. It will be hard, but you can do it. I have all the faith in the world in you. And you will meet someone in the future who treats you right, who you will love way more than this guy. You can trust me on that.

 

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I just want to snap you into reality.

[Geena]

Dear Clia

 

U are right about what you wrote to me...i agree with you, but i have to convincve lyself to get on with my life without him. i have another question....should i then break of my engagement for good! and move on, I am gonna be 25 soon and its my opinion and maybe i am oldfashioned that way, that the older you get the more rigid your ideas become, and so i should settle down soon and make my future. But unfortunately my life is at this stage right now where i cannot think of any one except this guy who i gave 4 1/2 years to and have been left completely shattered by him. I think i have very low self esteem to go for the worng men and when i meet a nice guy like my fiance i tend to back away from them and cling on to the bad one like my ex.

 

i do love my ex, and i know i cannot make him feel if he doesnt, i guess its his loss in a way coz i would have devoted all of me to making him happy! pl respond Clia

 

Geena

The best advice I can give you comes from a Bonnie Raiit song. It's called "I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't." Buy her CD and listen to the words. You are in love with someone who clearly doesn't want you. (My God, he wouldn't commit after 4 1/2 years? And you stuck around?) He's told you he wants to move on, so you must let him move on and move on yourself. You have no other options. You can't force him to be with you, and daydreaming about the 'future' you have together is a big waste of your time.

 

I don't think being engaged to someone else is the answer. (Although, what a guy to listen to you talk about how much you love some other guy!) You shouldn't make any commitment like that until you get over your ex. (And that will probably take awhile.) Don't jump into another relationship. All that will do is hide the pain for a little while. You need to allow yourself to fully heal from this complete jerkoff that you wasted your time with for 4 1/2 years. (If I keep mentioning that, it's because I can't believe it.) He didn't want to commit to you then, why would he ever want to commit to you in the future? And I hate to break it to you, but if he never committed, he was never truly your boyfriend, despite the outrageous amount of time he spent stringing you along. Move on. Find your passion. Find your spirit. (Sorry...to much Oprah lately.) Get some hobbies. Spend time with your friends and family. In short, try to get back the 4 1/2 years (!) you lost. Then, once you feel secure in the person you are, you will be ready to date again. It will be hard, but you can do it. I have all the faith in the world in you. And you will meet someone in the future who treats you right, who you will love way more than this guy. You can trust me on that.

 

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I just want to snap you into reality.

[clia]

I think you should definitely break off your engagement. (But remember, this is only based on what you've told me--I don't know you or your whole situation.) I'm sure your fiance is a really nice guy, but you don't seem ready to have a relationship with anyone. Even though he's nice and things might seem okay right now, you have to look at the long run. I mean, you'll have to be married to this guy for the next 50+ years. That's a long time. I think the best thing for you to do is break it off and spend some time on yourself. If you have low self esteem, you might benefit from some therapy to find out why your self esteem is so low. (That's really no way to live, and it will be difficult for you to have an equal, happy relationship if you don't feel good about yourself.) No one else can make you happy--you have to be able to make yourself happy.

 

You say you think you should settle down and make your future before your ideas become too rigid. That's what's known as settling. If you'd rather be with the wrong guy forever than alone, then go for it. You have plenty of time to find the right person. 25 is so young. Hey, I'm 26 and not worried at all yet about getting married and all that. I'm having way too much fun being single! I love being able to do whatever I want to do.

Dear Clia U are right about what you wrote to me...i agree with you, but i have to convincve lyself to get on with my life without him. i have another question....should i then break of my engagement for good! and move on, I am gonna be 25 soon and its my opinion and maybe i am oldfashioned that way, that the older you get the more rigid your ideas become, and so i should settle down soon and make my future. But unfortunately my life is at this stage right now where i cannot think of any one except this guy who i gave 4 1/2 years to and have been left completely shattered by him. I think i have very low self esteem to go for the worng men and when i meet a nice guy like my fiance i tend to back away from them and cling on to the bad one like my ex. i do love my ex, and i know i cannot make him feel if he doesnt, i guess its his loss in a way coz i would have devoted all of me to making him happy! pl respond Clia Geena

[Geena]

Hi Clia...

 

U are absolutely, but then how am i supposed to marry someone when i am totally crazy about my ex...i only wanna be with him!

 

what should i do? i may be sounding head strong and stupid, but these are my emotions...whatever he is, he was with me for 41/2 years and i love too much...pl suggest something to me to be with him and to make him want me without chasing him..!

 

Thx.

 

Geens

I think you should definitely break off your engagement. (But remember, this is only based on what you've told me--I don't know you or your whole situation.) I'm sure your fiance is a really nice guy, but you don't seem ready to have a relationship with anyone. Even though he's nice and things might seem okay right now, you have to look at the long run. I mean, you'll have to be married to this guy for the next 50+ years. That's a long time. I think the best thing for you to do is break it off and spend some time on yourself. If you have low self esteem, you might benefit from some therapy to find out why your self esteem is so low. (That's really no way to live, and it will be difficult for you to have an equal, happy relationship if you don't feel good about yourself.) No one else can make you happy--you have to be able to make yourself happy. You say you think you should settle down and make your future before your ideas become too rigid. That's what's known as settling. If you'd rather be with the wrong guy forever than alone, then go for it. You have plenty of time to find the right person. 25 is so young. Hey, I'm 26 and not worried at all yet about getting married and all that. I'm having way too much fun being single! I love being able to do whatever I want to do.

[clia]

I'm only going to say this one more time, because you aren't listening. You can't make him love you. He's told you that he doesn't want to be with you. Short of a miracle, he's probably not going to change his mind and there's not a thing you can do about it. 4 1/2 years is a long time, but you will get over him and be able to find someone else. It will take time, maybe as long as a year. You need to stop thinking about him and stay busy. I know it will be difficult, but it's your ONLY option at this point. Move on and stop wasting your time on this guy.

Hi Clia... U are absolutely, but then how am i supposed to marry someone when i am totally crazy about my ex...i only wanna be with him! what should i do? i may be sounding head strong and stupid, but these are my emotions...whatever he is, he was with me for 41/2 years and i love too much...pl suggest something to me to be with him and to make him want me without chasing him..!

 

Thx. Geens

[Geena]

Hi again....

 

thx for responding...i am listening to you, but i am not accepting it. like i said before u are totally right and that what i should be thinking aswell....alright, but since i had a lot of questions, i wrote him a stinker and he didnt reply back positively i mean he said it was not his fault, he said he had to move on coz i left no choice for him to....first i got involved with my ex collegue and then i got engaged....neway he has moved on and i guess i will too...but then i should let all these feelings i have inside out, by telling him that he failed in this relationship and i want him to admit his faults just i did to all my faults while we were together and even after we broke up....but i think he is not gonna admit it....

 

what would u suggest!

 

pl respond soon clia! i appreciate ur words of advise...

 

Geens

[clia]

My suggestion is the same as before. Move on. If he doesn't want to admit his faults, you can't make him do that. (And really, why do you care so much? You know what his faults were. He probably knows what he did wrong. The difference is that he is moving on with his life. You are trying to dig up the past, which doesn't interest him at all anymore.) Often in relationships we have to force ourselves to move on without any closure. I think you have convinced yourself that you want him to admit his faults, when in fact you really just want to keep having a reason to contact him. Don't do it. Don't call him, e-mail him, write him, IM him...nothing. Drop him fast--all you will accomplish by the way you are acting is pissing him off.

 

You need to accept this. I've given you the same advice 4 times now. You can believe me or not--I'm just giving you my opinion on the matter. You're an adult, so it's your decision what you do next. I'm not going to tell you what you WANT to hear, no matter how many different questions you ask me. My answer remains the same. MOVE ON!

Hi again.... thx for responding...i am listening to you, but i am not accepting it. like i said before u are totally right and that what i should be thinking aswell....alright, but since i had a lot of questions, i wrote him a stinker and he didnt reply back positively i mean he said it was not his fault, he said he had to move on coz i left no choice for him to....first i got involved with my ex collegue and then i got engaged....neway he has moved on and i guess i will too...but then i should let all these feelings i have inside out, by telling him that he failed in this relationship and i want him to admit his faults just i did to all my faults while we were together and even after we broke up....but i think he is not gonna admit it.... what would u suggest! pl respond soon clia! i appreciate ur words of advise... Geens