Ex GF with G.I.G.S (grass is greener syndrome) Leaves

[DarkKnightt]

Hi all,

 

So im going to do my best to make this long story very short without leaving out any fine details.

 

Ex GF is 24 and I'm 30. Were with eachother for 2years. Had a house, pet, successful careers, large groups of mates, holidays booked, and further plans for the future. On paper everything read perfectly. We were inseparable, a team that could conquer the world or at least thats how it felt at the time.

 

4 months ago my ex went out with her work crew for a night out. Nothing unusual there however when she came home I immediately knew something was wrong. My gut started acting up telling me something is wrong. I could see it in her eyes too. I saw conflict, confusion, guilt layered across her eyes. I asked what was wrong and she said "nothing, just tired". The weekend came and went, we had a dinner party in our home with my friends who she loved. Nothing occurred over the weekend to suggest there was an problem. She was very affectionate and caring, normal really. Monday morning I drove her to work then BAM - I got an email "I need some space!"

 

I replied asking what was wrong and asked "Are you having second thoughts about us?". Her reply was "I dont know, i dont know how i feel, I want to spend time with my friends". Following this i gave her 4 days space. I didnt contact her and left her to figure things out. After 4 days she contacted me and we met up. Immediately she was like "I love you, I miss you etc etc". I asked what was going on in her head and she replied "I thought it through and i need a hobby, I have nothing thats mine and we do everything together". I understood this as i was always onto her about doing something for herself, a hobby, a interest anything, but she never pursued it.

 

A week passes and I notice red flags. Shes becoming more distant and weird. Conversations are random about random people and things, no structure. One morning I noticed she went to work without underwear. At this time i suspected something like cheating but I pushed that thought out of my head under the belief she would never do that to me. We've been through too much together.

 

At this time i had to go away for work. I told her I would be gone an extra few days to give her more space to herself, suggesting to catch up with her friends and have a girly night out. She begged me to come home for the weekend. To this i did. Only issue here is while i was on route back she sent a very affectionate text "I love you, miss you, cant wait to see you etc etc" followed by "Im just going to meet a few of the girls text me when your home and ill come straight back". I figured she was just finding more independence so obviously i didnt mine.

 

When I got home that day her body language did not match her words in the texts. Her hug was cold and face bland. She stated that she wanted us to stay in and spend the day with eachother. I was fine with this as i was happy to do whatever. A hour later the shower go off, (gush gush gush then BAM) out comes my ex and dolled up. I looked at her confused and asked what was going on to which she replied "I going to go out with the girls". A small argument begun where i advised you begged me to come back early and wanted to spend the day with eachother, your words not mine. She then advised "i think we need a break" and walked out the door.

 

That day i sat on my couch confused and lost. Nothing was making any sense. If we were constantly fighting and arguing then In could understand her distance but all this was random and surreal. For two days she didnt come home. She said she stayed at her parents who lived about a 30 min drive away. Towards the end of this weekend I text her saying "I dont know whats going on, you wont talk to me and until you figure out what it is you want im going to grab my stuff and move out for a bit". Well..............the next morning my phone almost exploded. I awoke to 38 missed calls and 14 text messages with her pleading and begging me to stay. When she came home that day I was out of the house, i needed to think about what was going on and whether or not i wanted to continue in a relationship where my heart and mind was being put through a grinder.

 

I returned home that afternoon. She had cleaned the entire house and met me at the door crying, begging for me to give her a second chance. I asked why she used the wording second chance as i believe this is very distinctive of a wrong doing in the cheating sense. She advised she ment it in the way she treated me. After a long conversation i agreed to give her another chance even though I still had no idea what was going on in her head.

 

Anyways a week goes by and she continues becoming more distant, at this stage i have had enough and confront her again. She tells me things like

 

* Im not happy in myself anymore

* I feel like ive lost myself

* I dont know whats going on

 

I asked did she cheat, is there someone else, do you want to be single and break up. all of these things she said no too but still asked me to bring her to her parents as she needed time for herself. This is did, she packed a bag and left. Again i went home that night confused and exhausted, mentally.

 

For two days i heard nothing from her and my mind was playing every small detail over and over again. Something didnt add up, the sporadic distancing, change in clothing, going to work with no underwear. A little voice in my head kept coming back to cheating.

 

Part of my job is investigating fraud and finding the truth so i put my skills to the test. We shared a taxi account and for some reason i felt compelled to look at these. Low and behold i found a reciept where she was dropped to a random house in an area of the city she never went to the morning i was coming home and when she text me saying "i love you, miss you etc etc".

 

I immediately texted her and confronted her asking why she was there and did she cheat. Her answer was laughable and didnt make sense. I accused her of lying, she denied cheating and right there and then she ended the relationship. She left me to pack up our home and her stuff as she never came back, left me to bring our pet to a pound as i couldn't look after it myself and cancelled our holidays. No explanations no sorrys, nothing.

 

I moved out and moved in with friends. After a about 3 weeks of NC she contacted me asking could we meet as she wanted to fix us. At this point i allowed my heart to rule my head. We meet and something wasnt right, the conversation was again random. She expressed her thoughts about suicide, saying she was depressed and then changed the subject telling me about people she works with and how she now doesnt like them. I asked and asked if she wanted to fix us to which she said yes followed by a kiss and i love you.

 

As i drove home feeling relieved she text me saying "It was great to see you and now that i have I think we need to take more time to see if this is what we both want". I pulled the car in and told her I cant do this anymore. The uncertainty, the mind games, everything was crippling me.

 

Since then 4 months ago I have heard nothing since other than she sold the gifts i gave her over the past 2 years, that she is now partying like crazy, doing cocaine, sleeping with pretty much anyone and im here still trying to figure things out. I have been in strict NC, blocked her on FB, cell phone etc etc. The last thing I sent her was that I love her and hope she finds whatever it is that will make her happy. After that I disappeared. I didn't plead, beg or cry for any reconciliation or anything.

 

Dont get me wrong Im not crying or broken over this as much as i was 4 months ago, which i did when i was alone but there are still so many unanswered questions swimming around my mind.

 

So to anyone out there can you advise is this G.I.G.S? (Grass is greener syndrome). Should i forget about the past and move on completely leaving her in the dust? Any advise would be greatly appreciated

 

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

Little disclaimer, I don't buy into "GIGS". I don't believe it's some random syndrome people catch that can be treated and cured, as some dumpees seem to think. Just needed to get that out of the way first.

 

I think she is young and outgrew the relationship. She probably ddidn't have a ton of dating experience, beyond your relationship. A lot of young people get the urge to see what else is out there, meet different people, find their niche. And often, that includes romantic relationships. I know the girl I was at 24 is quite the different from the woman I became at your age.

 

From the sounds of it, she cheated and likely it wasn't just one time. Too many red flags for it to be one-off. Felt guilty but wanted more of that "excitement" but also was afraid of letting go of what she had. In the end, the thrill of someone new won out. What she does now is her business, however misguided it may seem to you. Whomever is filling you in on her new habits, ask them to stop updating you.

 

I think it would be best if you continued on your new path without her. She clearly wasn't ready to settle down and has some maturing left to do.

[harrybrown]

You dodged a bullet.

 

keep running and do not look back.

[DarkKnightt]

ExpatInItaly,

 

Its a shame really. I mean I gave this girl everything she wanted, could go as far saying spoiled her. Her previous relationship was with a petty small time drug dealer who had a kid. When we got together she developed a huge collection of mates. She was always the one on at me about getting married and having kids. For her birthday which is in a few days i surprised her 5 months ago with a trip to NYC for 10 days as she has never been. As it was for her birthday obviously i cancelled the flights but that was the kind of guy i was.

 

I would come home with random gifts or flowers just to show her how much i cared, seems like the excitement of greener pastures and immaturity got the best of her. FYI I know the guy she cheated on me with. I used to work with him, hes my age, has a fiance and a child. I noticed them and heard from people who were on the work night out (old mates as i worked in the same company back in the day) that they were getting very close. I know that this little fling will crash and burn if it hasnt already and I know that she might miss getting spolied and looked after by me. Who knows she might want to come back at some stage, if that ever happens i need to have a strong conversation with myself to make sure i dont make a mistake again.

Edited January 5, 2016 by DarkKnightt

[ExpatInItaly]

ExpatInItaly,

 

Its a shame really. I mean I gave this girl everything she wanted, could go as far saying spoiled her. Her previous relationship was with a petty small time drug dealer who had a kid. When we got together she developed a huge collection of mates. She was always the one on at me about getting married and having kids. For her birthday which is in a few days i surprised her 5 months ago with a trip to NYC for 10 days as she has never been. As it was for her birthday obviously i cancelled the flights but that was the kind of guy i was.

 

I would come home with random gifts or flowers just to show her how much i cared, seems like the excitement of greener pastures and immaturity got the best of her. FYI I know the guy she cheated on me with. I used to work with him, hes my age, has a fiance and a child. I noticed them and heard from people who were on the work night out (old mates as i worked in the same company back in the day) that they were getting very close. I know that this little fling will crash and burn if it hasnt already and I know that she might miss getting spolied and looked after by me. Who knows she might want to come back at some stage, if that ever happens i need to have a strong conversation with myself to make sure i dont make a mistake again.

 

I sympathize. You sound like a very loving and kind-hearted man. I was betrayed by a long-term boyfriend of 7.5 years; we'd lived together for about 6.5 of those. I also knew the other woman in this scenario. I also could never have imagined he'd have stepped out on me, but indeed he did.

 

The truth is we can bend over backwards doing nice things for our partners. We can shower them with affection and gifts. But it's not always enough. If the other person is checking out - for whatever reason - those gestures won't stop it from happening. They don't feel the same connection they once did and those gifts and displays of love don't carry the same sentimental value. I've also been on the other side of door, with an earlier ex going to great lengths but I just wasn't in love anymore.

 

Keep up No Contact. It does get easier and you will move past it.

[Been]

I'm sorry that happened to you. And yes she did cheat you were just never able to confirm it but way too many red flags. She sounds like she lies a lot to the point she can't keep track of all her lies.

[DarkKnightt]

Thank you for the kind words. I suppose what is confusing me the most about all this is the why. I have never cheated in my life. It's something I believe to be cruel to do to anyone.

 

Leading up to this everything was perfect. We never argued, never fought. Discussed holidays, spent time with both our families etc. It seems that over the course of 3 weeks she did a complete 180. Everything changed in that short space of time but before then there were no red flags of any sort.

 

I suppose my question is this. Do cheaters try to comeback? To this day she has never faced me to apologise or give any explanation. I curious to get insight from others who have experienced this. Do cheaters regret what they've done so much that they try to return? Do you ever get closure? A reason? Anything really.

 

All this seems like a cruel magic trick, one minute the life we built together is there next (puff) it's gone without any reason or explanation.

 

Just to clarify I intend to move on and am moving on. It's a struggle I admit. Good days and bad days come. I'm focusing on myself and hoping I can move past this without any bitterness or memory. I just like to know if or does a cheater ever try to return and if so why? What should I do if this does happen?

[PegNosePete]

I suppose my question is this. Do cheaters try to comeback?

Some do, some don't.

 

The real question is this. What would you do if she did? Would you take back a cheater? I sure as hell wouldn't. I would slam the door in her face.

 

Do you ever get closure? A reason?

Closure... reason... well, yes, I can give you the only one that matters. It might not be what you're expecting but it is the truth.

 

The fact is, she did it because she wanted to do it. She could have chosen not to, but she didn't. She chose to do it because she wanted to. She chose to betray you in the worst possible way.

 

Now you could speculate and discuss and analyze for hours and days and weeks about why she chose that path and what she was feeling and whether she has BPD or GIGS or OCD or STD or NASA or whatever, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters are her actions. When you can accept that the only reason she cheated is that she chose to cheat, you have all the closure you need.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for the kind words. I suppose what is confusing me the most about all this is the why. I have never cheated in my life. It's something I believe to be cruel to do to anyone.

 

Leading up to this everything was perfect. We never argued, never fought. Discussed holidays, spent time with both our families etc. It seems that over the course of 3 weeks she did a complete 180. Everything changed in that short space of time but before then there were no red flags of any sort.

 

I suppose my question is this. Do cheaters try to comeback? To this day she has never faced me to apologise or give any explanation. I curious to get insight from others who have experienced this. Do cheaters regret what they've done so much that they try to return? Do you ever get closure? A reason? Anything really.

 

All this seems like a cruel magic trick, one minute the life we built together is there next (puff) it's gone without any reason or explanation.

 

Just to clarify I intend to move on and am moving on. It's a struggle I admit. Good days and bad days come. I'm focusing on myself and hoping I can move past this without any bitterness or memory. I just like to know if or does a cheater ever try to return and if so why? What should I do if this does happen?

 

Mine never did, no. I never got an apology, never got a full admission (though I had irrefutable proof). Even after 7.5 years together, he basically just dropped out of my life. I can actually say this was for the better. I've moved on completely now, and he went on to marry the other woman and they now have a child together, from what I hear (small-town gossip!) Life is strange like that sometimes.

 

I'll also admit I once cheated, when I was very young and immature. My ex to this day has no idea (as far as I know) I never went back to him either. My heart was already not in the relationship anymore and I tried to fight those feelings I was having by putting on a happy face and pretending it was all great. In reality, I was emotionally already checked out. It was a one-time thing (the cheating) and I never actually saw the other guy again. But it was enough for me to realize i needed to finally end that relationship. The fact that I could do something like that was a clear indication I couldn't stay with my boyfriend at the time. While I learned a lot and absolutely regret actually cheating, I do not regret ending the relationship. It was already coming to an end.

 

She may or may not ever acknowledge what you suspect she did. She may or may not contact you again. There's no way to say if she'll regret it someday. The point is that something obviously wasn't working for her, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to do this. She made a conscious choice to leave, and that's all you need to know really. That's where your closure will come from - it won't come from her.

 

If she tries to return, tell her to get stuffed.

[DarkKnightt]

It's a bitter pill to swallow, I won't lie. Looking back through rose tinted glasses almost she was the kind of girl that gave the impression that butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Full of the joys of life, very affectionate and loving. Expressed her desire to settle, marry, have kids. She loved "playing" the house wife roll. Having a guy who was popular, successful career, spoiling her, living life.

 

But taking the rose tinted glasses off and looking at reality I think she got cold feet and panicked. Once we rescued our pet from the pound (which was her idea) that's when things changed. I think reality kicked in and she wanted to be single but like you said earlier didn't want to lose what she had. One night she said in tears that she wanted to be 24 and silly. I looked past this when I now know I shouldn't have.

 

All our mutual friends have all said she's a silly girl for what she's done. That she threw away everything for a thrill. Her parents too stated the same. What she's left with now is she's back living at home with her parents, I was the provider in the relationship so she has very little income and that's pretty much it.

 

I know what she's done and im not angry about i kinda forgive her as I know she needs to grow up. However it does sting when I look back and ponder where it all went wrong. But I know I can't dwell on the past. I know I need to move on and am doing my best to do so.

 

Admittedly I'm not interested in getting into another relationship at the moment. Suppose fear is a factor there. I know I will probably never get an explanation or reason and closure comes with time and from within. It's just tough when you trust someone 100% and they discard you like yesterday's newspaper.

 

The reason why I asked if she might come back is everyone has advised she will cause she'll miss the life I provided and what she has. This worries me. On one hand I'd love for her to return but I know things will never be the same. I can't allow myself to be somebody's option instead of there priority.

 

Cheating sucks, I suppose theirs a lesson here someplace.

[ExpatInItaly]

Firstly, please don't hinge anything on everyone's opinion that she will miss you and come back. They might be right, granted, but the point is that they are not her. They can't know what she is thinking or why she chose this. She did this for a reason and without knowing what that reason is, nobody can presume to know what her future holds.

 

Secondly, her breaking down and saying she wanted to be 24 and silly was indeed an indication that something was off. That doesn't mean you could've predicted this, but it was definitely a signal that there was some struggle inside her. To a certain extent, she is right. 24 is young to settle down and commit to a lifetime. You two are in different stages, even though you're not so far apart in age. It's unfortunate she didn't know how to communicate that to you but I strongly suspect that's part of it. This is also why providing her with all the securities and benefits of a happy home/stable "family" life wasn't satisfying for her. It's not what she wants right now.

 

Sometimes these relationships aren't meant to last because there's something better around the corner for us. My life has done a total 180 for the better in 4 years since my cheating ex and I split up. Really. Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise - cliche but often true!

[Blanco]

Pretty much everyone has opinions about the relationships their friends and family are involved in. It's comforting at times to hear from these people when we find ourselves having trouble with our own relationship matters. I've learned, though, that their opinions don't matter a whole lot with regards to the actual relationship.

 

When one ex broke things off (seemingly) out of nowhere years ago, all of our mutual friends had a legit WTF? moment. My friends have supported me during my other breakups, but this was the only one where literally everyone close to us expressed genuine shock. We made sense on paper and it played out that way in real life most of the time. I feel fortunate in knowing that the reason for the breakup wasn't anything scandalous such as cheating. If it was, it didn't lead to anything, since she remained single for another couple of years after.

 

My main point, though, is that it's nice to have the support of our friends and family where our relationships are concerned, but in the end, it only matters how the people in the actual relationship feel about it.

[PegNosePete]

Sometimes these relationships aren't meant to last because there's something better around the corner for us. My life has done a total 180 for the better in 4 years since my cheating ex and I split up. Really. Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise - cliche but often true!

Yep, same here! Since my divorce I've taken up keyboard and play in a band, started skiing, been paragliding, trekked to Everest Base Camp and currently planning a Galapagos adventure with my amazing partner.

 

Moving on doesn't necessarily mean a new relationship. It means putting the old one behind you and following your own happiness. Don't just sit there waiting for life to hand you opportunities. Go out and grasp them! You are single and the world is your oyster!

[DarkKnightt]

The support from my family and friends was incredible at the time and still is. Just like everyone here on thread the words of encouragement got me through the worst of it. Maybe it's because it was Xmas that I started to reminisce about everything.

 

I have gotten back my independence a bit. I love dancing and have gone back to it. Joined a street crew (hip hop and break dancing is what I do). It's refreshing finding that freedom again.

 

I suppose I always believed that if I was a great loving, fun, affectionate partner that things like this would never happen. I've never had an issue meetin women or getting dates but at the time this just seemed right. I was able to see a future when in the past I just saw a good time.

 

Putting yourself on the line again is scary. Recently Ive had dates and girls give me there numbers but haven't been able to pursue it. Hilariously I feel guilty about doing it as if Im hurting her. Idiotic I know.

 

The feelings I have feel like the final road block I need to hurdle before I can truly move on. Even now I remember the last text she sent me. She said "I'm sorry I can't be in a relationship right now, I need to fix myself first". Read into that what you will. I've played around with this statement in my head for a while. Maybe she ment it in terms of guilt for what she did, maybe she is depressed & unhappy. I'll never know. All I do know is that the wound that was there is closing and scaring up. I'm feeling like me again, almost. I just would like to say thanks to everyone here that has committed. We don't know each other but for you to take time out of your day and give such helpful advice is appreciated.

 

Hopefully in time I too can aid another from my experiences

[DarkKnightt]

The support from my family and friends was incredible at the time and still is. Just like everyone here on thread the words of encouragement got me through the worst of it. Maybe it's because it was Xmas that I started to reminisce about everything.

 

I have gotten back my independence a bit. I love dancing and have gone back to it. Joined a street crew (hip hop and break dancing is what I do). It's refreshing finding that freedom again.

 

I suppose I always believed that if I was a great loving, fun, affectionate partner that things like this would never happen. I've never had an issue meetin women or getting dates but at the time this just seemed right. I was able to see a future when in the past I just saw a good time.

 

Putting yourself on the line again is scary. Recently Ive had dates and girls give me there numbers but haven't been able to pursue it. Hilariously I feel guilty about doing it as if Im hurting her. Idiotic I know.

 

The feelings I have feel like the final road block I need to hurdle before I can truly move on. Even now I remember the last text she sent me. She said "I'm sorry I can't be in a relationship right now, I need to fix myself first". Read into that what you will. I've played around with this statement in my head for a while. Maybe she ment it in terms of guilt for what she did, maybe she is depressed & unhappy. I'll never know. All I do know is that the wound that was there is closing and scaring up. I'm feeling like me again, almost. I just would like to say thanks to everyone here that has committed. We don't know each other but for you to take time out of your day and give such helpful advice is appreciated.

 

Hopefully in time I too can aid another from my experiences

[Kevin_D]

Nah, this is mania in a nutshell. Racing thoughts, hypersexuality, cheating, lying, gaslighting, crazy-making, going to work without underwear, drug use, suicide thoughts, disappearing for days just to re-appear and shower you with love...

 

Some people will claim that this is behavior is normal. "She lost her feelings, she wanted to be single, she used you as an emotional crutch yada yada yada".

 

As usual someone smartass will hijack this thread and say "you know, not everyone has a mental disorder", but these people fail to understand that victims of this **** (like you and me) are more prone to search for answers on a forum like this one.

 

And in this case I'm convinced. She's bipolar. While manic, they often have this emotional on/off switch. It's very common that they replace everything in their lives; Friends, family and partners. They are experts at starting fights and then manipulating you into thinking that you are the cause. Luckily, you seem to see through that.

 

The easist way to spot if something is wrong, is to look them deeply in the eyes. Have you ever felt like there's something dark and empty in her eyes? I've seen this in many other manic people. It looks like they are possesed by the devil.

[DarkKnightt]

Nah, this is mania in a nutshell. Racing thoughts, hypersexuality, cheating, lying, gaslighting, crazy-making, going to work without underwear, drug use, suicide thoughts, disappearing for days just to re-appear and shower you with love...

 

Some people will claim that this is behavior is normal. "She lost her feelings, she wanted to be single, she used you as an emotional crutch yada yada yada".

 

As usual someone smartass will hijack this thread and say "you know, not everyone has a mental disorder", but these people fail to understand that victims of this **** (like you and me) are more prone to search for answers on a forum like this one.

 

And in this case I'm convinced. She's bipolar. While manic, they often have this emotional on/off switch. It's very common that they replace everything in their lives; Friends, family and partners. They are experts at starting fights and then manipulating you into thinking that you are the cause. Luckily, you seem to see through that.

 

The easist way to spot if something is wrong, is to look them deeply in the eyes. Have you ever felt like there's something dark and empty in her eyes? I've seen this in many other manic people. It looks like they are possesed by the devil.

 

Kevin_D

 

Believe it or not i actually thought this myself. My brother is bipolar and alot of his manic-ness i recognized in her. My brother went off the rails there for a few years and none of us knew what was going on. He used to talk complete nonsensical nonsense and in the end so did she. She couldnt stay on topic or express herself.

 

To give you further background. When we first met (we used to work together in the same company) she was a bubbly fun loving girl, full of the joys of life, innocent almost. She was recently back from accepting a job abroad but packed it in after 3 weeks. She told me that the reason she left was "she wasn't happy in herself" and after meeting me she was apparantly happy. 2 years later the same excuse came out right before she ended the relationship. This statement resonated with me.

 

It was like history was repeating itself. Anytime she felt like this in life she ran away. When we started going out she neglected and tossed all her mates away. I mean ignored them and filled her time with me. I constantly tried to get her to spend time with her friends as i knew it was unhealthy for her to be practically living in my pocket.

 

The day after she came home from the work party her eyes were screaming almost. They were layered with pain, confusion, conflict. But never communicated. Over the 3 weeks before the break up she tried but couldnt word it.

 

3 days before the break up i noticed she was particularly stressed. So to ease the stress i booked her into and sent her to an expensive spa. She littered her FB with love my bf he's amazing xxxx etc etc. 3 days later, i got

 

*I feel i lost myself

*I dont feel like me

*Im not happy with myself

*I cant be in a relationship i need to fix myself

 

Another example is a mutual mate of ours told me she rang him one Friday night after the break up while he had his kids and spoke at him (not too him) for an hr about ISIS!!?? He told me himself in his own words "It didn't sound like her dude, the randomness of her conversation was weird and worrying"

 

I think theres a mixture of things going on with her. She is young and needs to experience life and grow up, she cheated for whatever reason only she knows and i do think there is some sort of mental issue given her previous issues of running away from things and unusual reasons for a break up.

 

I do believe their may be some sort of mental issue given the fact she used the statement "not happy in myself" twice, once at the beginning of our relationship and again at the end. Its a very distinct statement that can only be driven by feelings and confusion.

 

obviously i cant physch analyse her as im not a psychologist but given the fact i grew up with an older brother who displayed almost the same traits during his time before he got the help needed, it all looks a little familiar to me

[ExpatInItaly]

With all due respect to you OP, and the other poster above, there is simply not enough evidence of Bi-polar disorder based on what you have said. And yes, I do have personal experience of a loved one suffering from this as well as an ex-boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder. Unless there are other details you're omitting, I don't see much here to suggest it.

 

Her running away from life is something many people do when they can't or don't want to cope. Especially when they are young and immature. I don't see that as a sign of a mental illness, beyond perhaps being in a depressive state.

 

The conflict and confusion you saw in her is, I believe, a result of her knowing she'd cheated on you. Of course she was conflicted. My ex-boyfriend (not the aforementioned sufferer of BPD) had that same look for a good couple months. I found out later it was because he knew what he was doing behind my back. He knew he was on his way out. And the first time I saw it in his eyes, it struck me too. And he too carried on playing happy families with me for a bit after, even though it didn't seem quite right.

 

You said she's gotten into drugs. That could have something to do with her babble about ISIS, and subsequent erratic behaviour....which may in fact have started around the time she left you. Perhaps these nights out involved some type of drug use, which escalated after the break-up. It's not unusual for young people in particular to be reckless after ending a relationship.

 

I know you're trying to find a way to make sense of her behaviour. Perhaps she has some mental/emotional health issues; I wouldn't necessarily dismiss it altogether. But it's not your issue anymore. She has family around her now. Hard as it is, it's just not your battle any longer.

[DarkKnightt]

ExpatInItaly

 

I agree with you in the sense that theirs no proof. Im not a psychologist but some of her behavior past and present does point to something.

 

You dont use terms or expressions like, i feel ive lost myself, or im unhappy within myself unless there's a feeling driving it, an emptiness almost. It always seemed like she was driving to find something external to make her happy when in reality its more of an internal issue.

 

As for the drug use, ya we've all been there. We've all been young and partied and experimented but for her this all seems self destructive. The girl has done a complete 180

 

Fashion sense changed, friends changed - people who she hated are now her best buds, shes discarded every mutual friend we had, music preference changed, lifestyle changed, a once health conscious girl is now a alcohol and drug fiend who spreads rumors not just about me but other people, her so called new friends and even old friends.

 

This isint my first break up so i know people go a little crazy after one but this is different. This is self destructive with no care of consequences. Like you said its not my battle and i can only live my own life and with the way things are I couldn't help her if i tried. My problem with all of this though is that i have a gut feeling that at some point down the line when the **** hits the fan she'll call or contact me.

 

Why, who knows but im the kind of guy that cant walk away from someone who needs help or looks for my help. Maybe ill be leaving myself open for further injury and thats whats worrying me. Where we live is small enough so the likely hood of bumping into eachother is high. It hasnt happened yet as ive been cautious but it will happen and at that time I dont know what i should do. Smile? Ignore? walk past? be indifferent? I dont know

[ExpatInItaly]

If you see her, you smile and say hello. And be glad she's not your problem anymore.

 

You'll only get hurt if you continue to leave that door open. It's up to you how much you want to prolong your pain and thus delay your healing.

[Kevin_D]

I told you!

 

With all due respect to you OP, and the other poster above, there is simply not enough evidence of Bi-polar disorder based on what you have said. And yes, I do have personal experience of a loved one suffering from this as well as an ex-boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

You can't even compare the two. Borderline is predictable because it's so unpredictable. Borderlines don't have the ability to put on a show for several years. Their emotions are amplified, which leads to bad decisions. That's pretty much it.

 

You asked for more evidence, and here it is:

 

Another example is a mutual mate of ours told me she rang him one Friday night after the break up while he had his kids and spoke at him (not too him) for an hr about ISIS!!?? He told me himself in his own words "It didn't sound like her dude, the randomness of her conversation was weird and worrying"

 

Again, mania in a nutshell. My ex did the same. She contacted my brother's girlfriend (who she never cared about before) and started talking about baseball. She usually hates sports and has probably never seen a baseball game in her life.

 

A normal, healthy person doesn't do this. We realise that it's inappropriate to socialise with friends of the exes so soon after a breakup. We ask ourselves "Is this topic of any interest" before we start talking. And we accept that we don't know everything, so we are very careful when discussing subjects that we now little (or nothing) about.

 

Bipolars with mania are the opposite. They believe that they are admired by everyone, that they know everything and that they hold the answers to all the problems in the world. If anyone criticise them, they assume that they are jealous. If someone doesn't understand them, it's because the person isn't smart enough.

 

The thing is, if you don't know them very well, they may appear as fun-loving people. I'm addicted to Bipolars and ADHD's myself. They make me feel alive, they make me feel that everything is possible. As long as you don't get too close, they can really boost your confidence. This is also why most psychologists fail to give them proper diagnosis. This is why it usually takes 10 years before bipolar is discovered. So in this case, only close friends and relatives can spot that something is wrong.

 

 

I dated a borderline girl after my bipolar ex. It was fun, I really enjoyed being with her. But I knew all the time that she would flip sooner or later. This isn't case with bipolar chicks. They can act normal for 10 years, and then suddenly throw it in your face how funny it was to cheat on you. The strange behavior will appear out of nowhere. The angel will turn into a demon. And there aren't any red flags, it will just happen. And no one can predict it.

[DarkKnightt]

If you see her, you smile and say hello. And be glad she's not your problem anymore.

 

You'll only get hurt if you continue to leave that door open. It's up to you how much you want to prolong your pain and thus delay your healing.

 

Expat

 

I know what your saying is true and right. Just finding it difficult to let go I suppose. I know she needs to grow and experience life more. The red flag statement of "being 24 and silly" indicates this. It's tough when you build a life together, a home etc for it all to disappear.

 

I suppose a little part of me is hoping she will comeback. But I also know that may never happen or it will take years if it does happen. After the break up she was eratic ally texting me saying I was the love of her life then quickly followed with I can't be in a relationship I need to fix myself first.

 

Deep down I still think she loves me. She never once said she didn't. Perhaps the guilt of cheating broke her internally. I did omit a little piece of info that might add further light to this.

 

The night she called me asking us to fix us when we met she hugged me tightly. We sat into my car and took a drive to talk things out. While driving she interlocked her fingers with mine and was looking at me with a mixture of love and pain. The conversation was eratic as I previously said. She spoke about people she works with and how she dislikes them but couldn't talk to me about us our relationship. At one point she almost panicked and asked me to pull the car in. She began to dry wretch trying to get sick and then asked me to drop her home.

 

I don't know if this was due to the guilt manifesting itself physically or if she spent the previous weekend nights on a bender but none of it made sense. It didn't make sense cause she couldn't make sense of it.

 

Today is her birthday and it's a bad day for me as all I'm doing is reminding myself of what we were doing and where we were this time last year. If the relationship was abusive or if we were constantly at each other's throats then I could understand where things went wrong.

 

But as this was completely out of the blue, all the mixed signals, all the confused reasons for the break up just makes this impossible to understand.

[greenleaves54]

Hey, I just wanted to say that you seem like a nice and smart guy who handled this like a boss.

 

I was in a similar situation. Walk out with dignity and one can't lose Some people break up for reasons out of our control. There is no point in trying to hold on to them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I told you!

 

 

 

You can't even compare the two. Borderline is predictable because it's so unpredictable. Borderlines don't have the ability to put on a show for several years. Their emotions are amplified, which leads to bad decisions. That's pretty much it.

 

You asked for more evidence, and here it is:

 

 

 

Again, mania in a nutshell. My ex did the same. She contacted my brother's girlfriend (who she never cared about before) and started talking about baseball. She usually hates sports and has probably never seen a baseball game in her life.

 

A normal, healthy person doesn't do this. We realise that it's inappropriate to socialise with friends of the exes so soon after a breakup. We ask ourselves "Is this topic of any interest" before we start talking. And we accept that we don't know everything, so we are very careful when discussing subjects that we now little (or nothing) about.

 

Bipolars with mania are the opposite. They believe that they are admired by everyone, that they know everything and that they hold the answers to all the problems in the world. If anyone criticise them, they assume that they are jealous. If someone doesn't understand them, it's because the person isn't smart enough.

 

The thing is, if you don't know them very well, they may appear as fun-loving people. I'm addicted to Bipolars and ADHD's myself. They make me feel alive, they make me feel that everything is possible. As long as you don't get too close, they can really boost your confidence. This is also why most psychologists fail to give them proper diagnosis. This is why it usually takes 10 years before bipolar is discovered. So in this case, only close friends and relatives can spot that something is wrong.

 

 

I dated a borderline girl after my bipolar ex. It was fun, I really enjoyed being with her. But I knew all the time that she would flip sooner or later. This isn't case with bipolar chicks. They can act normal for 10 years, and then suddenly throw it in your face how funny it was to cheat on you. The strange behavior will appear out of nowhere. The angel will turn into a demon. And there aren't any red flags, it will just happen. And no one can predict it.

 

I didn't.

 

I said I had a loved one who suffered from Bi-Polar as well as an ex-boyfriend who was diagnosed with BPD. It is clear I was speaking about two different people, with two different mental conditions. Claiming BPD emotions are just amplified is a gross over-simplification of the disorder.

 

I am very familiar with Bi-Polar. A close family member and a dear friend both are diagnosed Bi-Polar. And I'm sorry, but I still don't see enough evidence to suggest that in the example provided by OP. I was also clear about that, but invite you to re-read my post if you didn't understand what I meant or missed the details. There are several possible reasons she could be behaving in that way. Declaring that she is mentally ill without having more information is a bit short-sighted and presumptuous.

 

Anyway, OP...stay strong. You're doing the right thing staying away from her. It's hard but with time, it will get a little less painful.

Edited January 8, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[DarkKnightt]

Hey, I just wanted to say that you seem like a nice and smart guy who handled this like a boss.

 

I was in a similar situation. Walk out with dignity and one can't lose Some people break up for reasons out of our control. There is no point in trying to hold on to them.

 

Thanks greenleaves54.

 

Won't lie yesterday was horrible. Couldn't get memories out of my head no matter how hard I tried. In a moment of weakness I suppose you'd call it I sent flowers to her work for her birthday. I didn't sign the card that they were from me but she knows they are. I'm the only one that ever got her flowers or sent them to her.

 

I'm angry at myself for doing it. Why I did it? I dunno, maybe in hope of getting a reaction from her. Maybe i was hoping for her to miss me, contact me, talk to me but she never contacted me after receiving them.

 

Suppose I should fully close that door now and move forward