The double standard continues to linger?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

So I was talking to someone who said a woman who has only slept with a small number of men and is in her thirties is good. It is good for a good woman to sleep with only a handful of men.

 

Seems like he couldn't give a reason why I said " why not men?" " men are different" he said " men are like animals"

 

I hate this double standard and yet in the year 2016 it still exists.

 

I have actually been laughed at by some men for only sleeping with a small number being called " inexperienced, bad in bed and proof of my undesirability". According to some guys, some men prefer woman who have slept with lots of men so that they are proof that they have "lived" and they have been "pre-approved".

 

Yet overall I think there is a double standards when it comes to woman and men when it comes to sex and relationships?

 

My question is why does it exist and how can we change it?

[Wewon]

So I was talking to someone who said a woman who has only slept with a small number of men and is in her thirties is good. It is good for a good woman to sleep with only a handful of men.

 

Seems like he couldn't give a reason why I said " why not men?" " men are different" he said " men are like animals"

 

I hate this double standard and yet in the year 2016 it still exists.

 

I have actually been laughed at by some men for only sleeping with a small number being called " inexperienced, bad in bed and proof of my undesirability". According to some guys, some men prefer woman who have slept with lots of men so that they are proof that they have "lived" and they have been "pre-approved".

 

Yet overall I think there is a double standards when it comes to woman and men when it comes to sex and relationships?

 

My question is why does it exist and how can we change it?

 

It sounds like more than double standards what you're seeing is people have preconceived notions about what a person's sexual history says about them. Some guys thinking that you shouldn't have a lot of partners and some guys thinking that you should have a lot.

 

I've personally seen this attitude in both genders about both genders. I remember a woman saying that she didn't want a guy with only a few partners because she "didn't have time to be a teacher". Others were concerned that something was wrong with the guy if he hadn't slept around. Then there are women that feels that a man with a lot of partners must hate women.

 

All of these say more about the people involved than the person being judged.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

It really confuses me. It's like "sorry you're not good enough if you've slept with only a few people" and "it's good for a lady to be pure" Eh I can't win!

[soph-walker]

It's silly and outdated.

 

And it's not just double standards when it comes to sex..I went on a great date with a guy who ended the date by saying 'it was great to finally meet you, but you're clearly a serial dater so there's not much more I can do' after he had told me on the date that he had also been on a few dates himself.

 

Can't win and you definitely can't please 'em all!

[William]

I sincerely hope members can do this thread without resorting to name calling in violation of our individual and group berating policy. The most overused name generally garners every utterance with at least a three day moderation period. I'll leave it to members to guess which one that is.

 

Double standards regarding human relations are important topics. I trust discussion will reflect that. Thanks!

[Gaeta]

It really confuses me. It's like "sorry you're not good enough if you've slept with only a few people" and "it's good for a lady to be pure" Eh I can't win!

 

Why do you tell men you date how many partners you've had? That's personal. Those are questions people ask when they're 19. Past our 30s who cares how many partners we had. Your virginity is long gone. As for if you are a good lover or not it absolutely has nothing to do with the number of partners you've had.

[basil67]

I think there are two different groups of people. Those who think it's an issue and those who don't care.

 

I'm of the latter group. I would simply not bother with a man who holds these attitudes and this is my way of stopping it. And I can tell you that there are plenty of men around who don't judge.

 

As for the former group? Leave them to find each other. After all, like attracts like.

[stillafool]

 

 

My question is why does it exist and how can we change it?

 

It exists because men like it that way. This is why women who sleep with 50 guys tell their husbands they've only slept with 3 guys. These 3 guys were men she helplessly fell head over heels for, was in a long relationship with, and he broke her heart is why she broke up with them. This is what men want to hear so women tell it.

[soph-walker]

Why do you tell men you date how many partners you've had? That's personal. Those are questions people ask when they're 19. Past our 30s who cares how many partners we had. Your virginity is long gone. As for if you are a good lover or not it absolutely has nothing to do with the number of partners you've had.

 

Cause sometimes that's what people in relationships talk about.

 

It's not something I'm particularly hung up on, but I wouldn't be bothered if my partner wanted to know.

 

So long as he didn't make a fuss of it once he'd had the number!

[Shining One]

Unfortunately, there are many such double standards in dating. All you can do is filter out those individuals who don't match your mindset and date those that do. I face an uphill battle fighting a different double standard, but I'm still able to find dates and I'm currently in a wonderful relationship with a like-minded woman.

My question is why does it exist and how can we change it?

It still exists because many people still care about it. I imagine it will change in time, but it will likely take generations.

[central]

Different people have different standards and preferences. I think it's wrong to have one standard for yourself and a different standard for those you date. However, it's a reality we have to deal with - usually by walking away when it is encountered.

 

If your values are different, then you probably aren't a good match anyway. Move on. Personally, I have no problem with casual sex and a variety of partners, but I would have an issue with indiscriminate sex with a large number of people, as that - to me - would imply poor standards and lack of self-control. This is true for anyone, IMO, and anyone who did not share my standards would not be someone I'd want to date (allowing for exceptions where past behavior does not reflect their current standards and behavior).

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

It's silly and outdated.

 

And it's not just double standards when it comes to sex..I went on a great date with a guy who ended the date by saying 'it was great to finally meet you, but you're clearly a serial dater so there's not much more I can do' after he had told me on the date that he had also been on a few dates himself.

 

Can't win and you definitely can't please 'em all!

 

Wow! that's quite a double standard indeed! Did he forget he had even mentioned he had been on quite a few dates?

[No_Go]

So what makes you think such a story must be a lie.

At least in my circles, that's the sexual history of 90% of women (and men)...

I actually can't imagine making 50 counts if you have a legitimate job... Not because of morals, purely time constraints.

 

It exists because men like it that way. This is why women who sleep with 50 guys tell their husbands they've only slept with 3 guys. These 3 guys were men she helplessly fell head over heels for, was in a long relationship with, and he broke her heart is why she broke up with them. This is what men want to hear so women tell it.

[No_Go]

Btw it is true the reverse sexism exist... I admit I've turned down a guy who was extremely inexperienced ... Mainly from fear he'll get attached (which he did actually, in just a few touch free dates).

 

I won't be excited about a partner with collossal number of sex partners either - mainly because it speaks volumes about priorities in life and lack of them. Who has the time to f*ck around in their prime years?! Hah, if the guy was retired, then fine with me.

 

 

It sounds like more than double standards what you're seeing is people have preconceived notions about what a person's sexual history says about them. Some guys thinking that you shouldn't have a lot of partners and some guys thinking that you should have a lot.

 

I've personally seen this attitude in both genders about both genders. I remember a woman saying that she didn't want a guy with only a few partners because she "didn't have time to be a teacher". Others were concerned that something was wrong with the guy if he hadn't slept around. Then there are women that feels that a man with a lot of partners must hate women.

 

All of these say more about the people involved than the person being judged.

[soph-walker]

Wow! that's quite a double standard indeed! Did he forget he had even mentioned he had been on quite a few dates?

 

I'm guessing he did, but his comment made me feel a bit rubbish none the less!

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I personally think there is nothing wrong with serial dating. You gotta spread your wings. But hey that's me.

[soph-walker]

I personally think there is nothing wrong with serial dating. You gotta spread your wings. But hey that's me.

 

It's sometimes a means to an end, well that's how I see it.

 

He asked about a guy I'd been fwb with and why I didn't want a relationship with this guy, I was straight and told him that we weren't compatible (on some serious levels) and that I'm not looking to settle, but am looking for the right person to commit to.

 

Dating is a lot like pulling teeth in my experience!

[thecrucible]

That's why you never tell a man everything about your sexual past. If a man asks me how many men I've slept with, my first thought is "why do you want to know?". It's usually the insecure ones who ask me that. People will judge you whatever you do so you may as well as do what you like as long as you are sensible about it. I honestly don't care so much about sexual numbers as long as we are serious about each other and have a clean bill of health.

 

To be honest, what annoys me more is when the guy expects you to have lived in the past in preparation for meeting him. I just did what feels right at the time even if that turned out to be the wrong thing. I've got no objection to talking about the past and happy to talk about it when it comes up but when I meet a guy, I want us to both be living in the here and now and enjoying our time together.

 

So of course there are different views on this. I only see it as sexist to hold such a view if you think a woman should be a certain way because she is a woman (while being in denial of the full sprectrum of female sexuality) or if you think men are entitled to act in a certain way but women aren't. If a man has high moral standards which he abides by himself and wants to date a woman that is similar there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Btw it is true the reverse sexism exist... I admit I've turned down a guy who was extremely inexperienced ... Mainly from fear he'll get attached

 

I don't think this is necessarily a sexist thing. It's just people looking for someone with the same amount of experience as them so they can relate better. There will be men as well who prefer dating women with a certain amount of experience.

[Wewon]

 

I don't think this is necessarily a sexist thing. It's just people looking for someone with the same amount of experience as them so they can relate better. There will be men as well who prefer dating women with a certain amount of experience.

 

In the example that I gave, the women did feel that the lack of experience was specifically about them being men versus women (whom they gave more latitude).

 

I guess that is my concern with threads on double standards. The ones that impact men tend to get downplayed when they actually have just as much of an impact on dating as the ones that impact women.

 

We chide men for giving each other the mythical high 5 for their conquest although women also indirectly high 5 men for sleeping around as well.

[spiderowl]

So I was talking to someone who said a woman who has only slept with a small number of men and is in her thirties is good. It is good for a good woman to sleep with only a handful of men.

 

Seems like he couldn't give a reason why I said " why not men?" " men are different" he said " men are like animals"

 

I hate this double standard and yet in the year 2016 it still exists.

 

I have actually been laughed at by some men for only sleeping with a small number being called " inexperienced, bad in bed and proof of my undesirability". According to some guys, some men prefer woman who have slept with lots of men so that they are proof that they have "lived" and they have been "pre-approved".

 

Yet overall I think there is a double standards when it comes to woman and men when it comes to sex and relationships?

 

My question is why does it exist and how can we change it?

 

Don't believe what men say they want. Basically, they want to respect the woman they choose and they will if she respects herself. It is up to her to live by her own standards, whatever she chooses, and not allow a guy to set them for her. That's what guys respect.

[thecrucible]

In the example that I gave, the women did feel that the lack of experience was specifically about them being men versus women (whom they gave more latitude).

 

I guess that is my concern with threads on double standards. The ones that impact men tend to get downplayed when they actually have just as much of an impact on dating as the ones that impact women.

 

We chide men for giving each other the mythical high 5 for their conquest although women also indirectly high 5 men for sleeping around as well.

 

Well I'm not meaning to downplay the male experience by any means. I would probably be slightly turned off by a guy with less experience because I'm attracted to a certain kind of relationship dynamic and that sort of thing would feel weird to me. But then another woman will come along and not have the same odd way of looking at things as I do.

 

I absolutely believe that if I genuinely like a guy, I'm not really going to ask him about that sort of thing anyway if I get a vibe that there is a mutual attraction.

 

I suppose I don't know why I look at things the way I do but I've learned that's just the way I am as I've tried to go against the grain before.

 

Also I don't believe in high 5s for sexual conquests. That kind of thing is demeaning. You want a guy who conducts himself respectfully and isn't about adding knotches to his bedpost (just because I mention one extreme, doesn't mean I'm keen the other. A happy medium will do).

 

Incidentally I remember the time I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend and I discovered a Facebook post with his friends posting on his wall loads of congratulations for losing his 'v' plates. This was a little bit disturbing to me as I considered it to be something special. It felt gross afterwards.

[jay1983]

Life isn't fair. They're plenty of double standards women have in 2016.

 

Short woman won't date short man.

Men still have to do the asking out and paying.

Low earning school teacher woman won't date low earning social worker man.

[Woggle]

You can't change their mind and the more you try the harder they will hold on to their views. People usually have good reasons for their views according to them. Just don't date guys who think like this. You have that right as much as they have the right to not date certain women.

[basil67]

That's why you never tell a man everything about your sexual past. If a man asks me how many men I've slept with, my first thought is "why do you want to know?". It's usually the insecure ones who ask me that.

 

I'm the opposite. I would tell them the number.....if only to weed out the guys who would judge me for it.

[basil67]

It exists because men like it that way. This is why women who sleep with 50 guys tell their husbands they've only slept with 3 guys. [snip] This is what men want to hear so women tell it.

 

The women who behave like you describe are equally to blame for this issue existing. If women refused to play the game, the men would either have to change, be single or wait for a woman who hasn't had many partners.