Naively.Sensitive Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I'm looking for a marriage counselor to address recovery from an affair my wife had. Here is the thread detailing the affair and the state of the recovery: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/561922-dealing-wife-s-affair My wife and I are stuck in some areas, specifically: 1) As the betrayed husband, I'm partly unresolved about the affair. I have some questions (yet unresolved after 9 months since my wife confessed). In the initial 3 months my wife answered many of my questions. After those initial 3 months, she stopped supporting me, by not wanting to talk about the affair anymore, even though I still had many painful questions (some of which are admittedly just repeat rhetoric questions). There is also a certain amount of distrust in the answers that my wife is giving me. Maybe the mistrust in her answers is because of the obvious complete loss of trust? Anyway, another reason for the mistrust in her answers is also because of her current behavior in which she is not able to fully connect with me, 100%, emotionally and sexually. She also left me alone in the last 5 months (emotionally and physically alone in our bedroom) to deal with my own pain and suffering. On the other hand, she seems to be "resolved" with the affair, in terms of being convinced that she was just a victim of certain circumstances and that the affair wasn't her "choosing". She seems to move on and live life, looking at the future, whereas, I'm still stuck and unresolved about the affair. 2) In the process of recovery, I'm expecting a much larger effort of reconciliation than she is currently offering me. She is expecting that things be "normal", when clearly, I'm completely destroyed and need much more than "normal" help, to deal with the immense pain and suffering that I go through on a daily basis. We are individually at different points in the recovery process and even though I'm expecting much more help from her to recover, she seems more stuck in her own emotions. I'm not sure how to choose a marriage counselor and have these questions: 1) Does a marriage counselor simply facilitate conversations and interpret or explain conversations between a couple involved in an affair? 2) Is there any level of professional guidance or intervention involved by way of advice on actual disagreements or misperceptions or fairness? e.g. I think it would be fair that my wife should help me in my recovery, but what if my wife claims she is incapable of helping me in certain areas, because of her own emotional state and perceptions? Would the marriage counselor be able to advice, ask for accountability and enforce what is professionally considered to be the "right" way to solve such a problem? 3) Does a marriage counselor's personal attitude come into play? (e.g. making the marriage work no matter what it takes in terms of stretching personal capabilities, or catering to each or both of our comfort zones even if the marriage does not survive). 4) How does one determine what approach the marriage counselor is going to use? e.g. personally, I would only like to stick to real and perceivable beliefs and not involve religion, God, or faith into an approach to heal the relationship. That is not to say that I'm atheist, but simply to say that my "faith" should not be relied on, because very obviously, my faith in everything is pretty broken after what my wife did. I would prefer to stick to tried, tested and perceivable approaches to affair recovery. Apart from reading up a single paragraph about the counselor's philosophy and qualifications, can I request a free consultation to ask about the approach or read more about the possible approaches from another website and "request" that such an approach be adopted? I would obviously prefer a marriage counselor who has a lot of experience (and more importantly "success") in rebuilding a relationship. How does one determine/assess that between a choice of say 10 counselors available within a certain network of services covered by insurance? (since no statistics get published about such things like success ratio, etc.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 IME, a good MC for any particular couple: 1. Specializes in the area of concern to the couple 2. Listens carefully and remembers, either by taking notes or rote memory 3. Has a plan of action and can detail it 4. Is thorough in their research of the marriage 5. Is balanced in managing interaction 6. Challenges perspectives In your case, the apparent specialty would be recovery from infidelity; however, there might be other specialties involved, like FOO issues, substance abuse, marital abuse, etc, etc. Each couple and their situation is unique. Also, a good MC will refer out or advise contact with other practitioners like medical specialists or psychiatrists, as appropriate. IMO, referral is preferred but if you have to interview cold, pick at least three whose credentials match up with your needs and interview with them and hopefully one will be a good fit. Remember, you're the boss. They work for your marriage. You won't insult them by being assertive. Once you get started in the process, it'll flow. Hope things work out to a positive recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 NS - Why are YOU doing all the work here...? What you should say to her - "you want this marriage, YOU find the MC!" and then STEP BACK and let her DO THE WORK! Stop, just STOP doing this for her... go - enjoy your life, prove to her you don't need her to have a good one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 why did you start yet another thread? you can't ask this on one of the threads you have already started? I was so against your wife... thinking you were the one that needed support.....but you are changing my mind VBM ...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 why did you start yet another thread? you can't ask this on one of the threads you have already started? I was so against your wife... thinking you were the one that needed support.....but you are changing my mind VBM ...... I assumed that people who may be interested in the topic of finding the right marriage counselor may notice a thread titled such more easily than if it was included as just a post on a thread that relates to just another affair story (which may just go unnoticed) Are threads supposed to be arranged by stories (My story 1, My story 2,....), or by topics of discussion? What has assuming the organization of threads have to do with needing or not needing support? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 NS - Why are YOU doing all the work here...? What you should say to her - "you want this marriage, YOU find the MC!" and then STEP BACK and let her DO THE WORK! Stop, just STOP doing this for her... go - enjoy your life, prove to her you don't need her to have a good one. This makes sense to me. NS, I completely understand and appreciate your desire to improve your marriage. I just don't think it is fair that you are doing the heavy lifting when you are not the one who cheated. It seems like you are taking far too much responsibility for the recent events. Your wife has thrown a grenade into your marriage but you are the one sifting through the rubble and calling a clean up crew. It is also troubling that your wife is still seeing herself as a victim of circumstances. How will your wife respond when a MC lets her know that she needs to take responsibility for her actions? It's like she expects you to just forget about the affair and I think that attitude is rather selfish. Your wife should be comforting you and trying to prove herself. I'm wondering how helpful you are finding Loveshack. The reason I am asking is I notice that you start many threads about your pain, but I don't know if you are getting the answers that you need or want. Obviously, you can post here as much as you desire. I'm simply unsure that constantly analyzing and discussing your wife's affair on LS is bringing you relief. I hope you are finding some comfort by posting on this forum. If you have not already, it could be time to look into some individual counseling because you have experienced a traumatic event. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 He IS getting input and suggestions to invoke change - he's just unwilling to DO anything suggested. On topic - a marriage counselor is only as good as the truth offered to him/her and the action you TWO are willing to put into place. Let your wife choose - she needs to do something rather than nothing.it also takes away that 'control' she's accused you of. She probably confused my responsibility for control, even in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 NS - Just wanted to remind you that BetrayedH gave you some excellent information about a support group called "BAN." The website he mentioned also has names of therapists by region. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Counseling can be an appropriate tool when two decent people are working in good faith towards a common goal but the two people have different ideas on how to get there. In situations that involve bad character, selfishness/greed, bad behavior, different goals, manipulation, dishonesty etc etc, counseling does nothing. Counseling does not fix bad behavior or bad character. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 OP, does your wife want to go to MC? It's your and her M. We're all just outsiders here. If she wants to go, set it up and go. If nothing else, you may clarify things for yourself. Heck, I'd recommend a good psych even if she doesn't want to go. Go by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 NS - Just wanted to remind you that BetrayedH gave you some excellent information about a support group called "BAN." The website he mentioned also has names of therapists by region. Yes, I'm signing up and applying to be a BAN coordinator. Also making some appointments with an IC and a MC. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 I'm not sure you can be a BAN coordinator with having a successful reconciliation. But... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 agreed...I would not join a group with him as a leader. Good grief! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 You may wish to participate in the group. Being the coordinator may take trudging through the fields for many years before taking that position. What help do you believe you may get there that you haven't gotten here? I do get a lot of help here. There is NO doubt. Some help that I don't get is this.... With the amount of pain and suffering that I go through everyday, I often wonder if it is normal and I lose hope of recovery. Sometimes, seeing another person going through the same pain and just being able to talk about it, vent it out and "vomit the poison" makes a huge difference. There is another aspect of this.... Sometimes being able to nod your head and acknowledge someone else's pain (who is going through the same thing), offers a sense of "giving back" and a sense of compassion and empathy to feel a fellow human being's pain.... And the understanding that you understand their pain because you feel that exact same pain helps both your fellow brother/sister as well as yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Right now, you would be detrimental to anyone's healing as coordinator. You are demonstrating a bit of psychosis here and aren't really contributing to other's threads or expressing any real knowledge or growth through your experience. This is the wrong path for you at this point. You are half a world away from where MC will help your situation. Worry about finding the best IC that each of you need. Independently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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