Not Sure What This Was?

[among the pines]

Hello everyone. I've been lurking here for a week & the posts have helped me a lot so I thought I would post my story to hopefully gain some perspective from others. I have posted a few times on Psychopath Free but I'm not sure my MM is disordered or not (most respondents agreed he is). I will try to summarize & state facts so anyone reading can get an accurate picture.

 

I began an EA with him a year ago. We met through FB; initially connected because of common interest in politics. It is worth noting he had "friended" me a few months before that with a made up alias (and had a couple others during the months we conversed before they forced him to use his real name). Which in retrospect makes me wonder if he was trolling (although he said he wasn't looking for anything & if it hadn't been me it never would have happened....YES, huge red flag).

 

We clicked and gradually started spending several hours every single night chatting. Maybe four (?) months into it he asked me if there was anything that would make me stop communicating with someone & I told him dishonesty, which is when he told me he was married. By the this time I had grown quite attached & continued to chat as he was perfectly respectful. No sexual inneuendos or anything like that. He told me they slept in separate bedrooms, which I actually do believe as there is no way he could have been chatting with me for hours every night otherwise. Obviously that does not mean he wasn't sleeping with his wife, but since we were chatting on FB it didn't really concern me at the time.

 

Last June his family was going out of town for an extended vaca at his parents' lake house & we talked on the phone some. He drove down several hours to see me & stayed for 3 weeks. It was wonderful. He did all of this stuff (cleaning & handyman) around my house for me (I didn't ask him to), he wanted to spend every moment together, espoused his love frequently & that we were soul mates, wanted to meet my parents & did some things at their place, etc. The making love part was the best I've ever had; he was very generous & it didn't feel like sex but just a complete bonding of souls. During this visit I also fractured my shoulder in 3 places & he was an angel taking care of me.

 

He went back home for a couple weeks & then flew back down for another 3. Again, a wonderful time. Although he lied to his wife & told her he was coming down here to search for somewhere for them to move to. I didn't feel comfortable with it, but by that time I was in love with him. He also made a point of telling me his wife had made advances to him & he declined because he felt as though it would be cheating on me.

 

He went back up & talked his wife into going to Mexico (where her mother lives) for the school year, bought them tickets, & she found my # on his cell while he was asleep, so D day. In a few days he drove them several hours to his parents' home & dropped them off & drove back home. I know she now knew about it, but to this day I don't think he was honest with her as he had been forced as he was found out.

 

We stayed in constant contact after he got home; he was making plans to move down where I am, which gradually changed to moving to be close to his kids for a year to get them adjusted (I supported this). All the while pushing to get me to come up to see him (I couldn't for work reasons) & him coming down here (he couldn't pay for a ticket but he knew my Dad had free airline miles). So that never came together, although he kept the pushing part up & I started to feel as though something wasn't quite right. My intuition said this is rushed, although he wanted to spend time & discuss plans for our future.

 

During this time he asked me if I would wait for him but we could still see each other (maybe a year; he kept being vague), guilt tripped me by saying numerous things (I miss you, thinking about you not being in my life throws me into a depression & devastates me), please don't throw away our future, etc. I have t say he was tenacious! I told him I wasn't sure because of the vagueness & perhaps we should take a step back until he was certain about what he was going to do prior to these comments. I admit I did blow hot & cold on him a few times about cutting contact for the time being (and did't answer a few of his calls). I was starting to have heavy CD due to the fact I was in love with this person who is a proven liar and cheater. Ugh!

 

We kept in contact & I ended up saying something to him in frustration that I truly regretted & quickly apologized for. After which he sent me a barrage of highly personal attacks on me based on intimate details I had shared with him before. It hurt horribly.

 

Dumb me kept talking to him & I told him I would like to work on the relationship, to which he backed off & said his main focus was his kids' well being (agreed!) & we had destroyed our relationship. I said I thought we had done it damage. He kept bringing up the fact that I was the one who broke things off.

 

We kept communicating through FB until he was supposed to go visit his kids, and he was going to stop to see me as friends (my statement). However, his wife hacked into FB the night before he was to leave & he texted me on the way & I had to pull it out of him what was happening. He didn't want any hostility so he wasn't going to stop because he didn't want to rock the boat.

 

The last text I received said "sorry for being such a miserable disappointment" and then a one line email on my birthday saying "sorry can't talk wanted to wish you happy birthday hope you're doing ok" which threw me into a tailspin.

 

So I know he is probably back with his wife as she was threatening him with his kids, and I think I would have heard from him otherwise. I completely know my part in this was very wrong; I have never gotten involved with a married person before & it sucks. I have to live with my mistake. I am sure he has blocked me everywhere & he is not on FB anymore. I am sure he is trying to mend his fences.

 

My lingering (and probably fantasy) doubts are if it could have worked out in the long run if I hadn't gotten so frustrated with him & been patient. The time we were together was wonderful & if anything I was the more high strung one due to the circumstances. He was very emotional in front of me a few times & the way he was pleading with me to wait for him are making me have huge doubts. What if's??? Probably because there was no closure. I would think someone you are supposedly so in love with would at least give you that.

 

I don't think I'm cut out for affairs. I ended up disgusted with myself & it felt very demoralizing no matter how much I think this person is the love of my life. NC has helped a lot but I still love him deeply

Edited January 6, 2016 by among the pines

[ladydesigner]

(((among the pines))) I'm sorry you fell victim to one of these masterful manipulators. You are actually in a perfect position to just cease contact altogether with him. Seeing how he reacted when you let it be known you didn't like being the OW is really telling. He acted like a spoiled child which is par for the course for most of these MM.

 

Grieve the loss of this R and don't get sucked back in again (WS's are very good at hoovering, a form of sucking you back in).

 

Hang in there and make sure you are taking care of YOU!

[among the pines]

Ladydesigner,

 

Thank you. I agree; I am in a much better position than many & I appreciate that. It hurts more than any breakup I've ever had. Probably because I compromised my own morals for the love of someone who isn't worthy (which I struggled with from the start). It is a first but I am looking for whatever positive takeaway I can get from this. Posting is therapy!

[Midwestmissy]

I'm sorry you got caught up in this - it's clearly a mess.

 

I need to say however, that his wife cannot keep him by threatening him with the kids. He knew cheating was a deal breaker and he could lose his family set up, but he did it anyway. There was no way I could have, nor would have wanted my wh to stay in my house and my bed only because I had threatened him. Seriously think about that. I also had no legal recourse to keep the kids away from him. He's staying with her because he wants to. The mow called me controlling. Would I not have used my controlling superpowers to benefit me not break me? The cheaters have the control until dday and then they flail all over.

 

Blame him, not his grieving wife. Trust me, she's doing the math in her head and it's not pretty, but she cannot make him stay no matter what. She's not crazy, I'm assuming because you wrote and what you wrote that you're not crazy, which leaves only one leg of this triangle....(which he loves, by the way).

 

Just don't believe what he says. He's a proven liar. I hope you get through this quickly and stay away from married guys. Not worth the mess and pain. Love is always awesome when it's honest.

[oceansaway]

It's very difficult to let go of someone you love. However you (we all do) deserve a honest person to share our lives with. I am confident that I will find love again someday and I'm sure you will also. However you/we will always wonder....what if. However life goes on. Your hurting... So am I but keep your head up. It will get better. At least I hope

[among the pines]

Midwestmissy - Thank you for your response; I know that in my heart he has gone back because he wants to. I never made demands on him about moving to spend time with his kids; I just wanted some affirmation he was going to remain separated if he wanted to pursue a legitimate relationship as he continually stated. I will never fall into something like this again; it's far too soul destroying. I do feel horrible for his wife as well.

[among the pines]

oceansaway - We definitely deserve that. That is probably the most confounding part for me; I am usually highly perceptive about people & their motives (romantic & non romantic). Somehow this person slipped past by barrier because I believed what I wanted to believe. I know both of us can heal & find someone who is honest and caring. We DO deserve that :)

[winterkeep]

Come on Among the Pines, you know exactly what you're dealing with here! I'm glad that you're posting on psychopath free, check out Melanie Tonia Evans podcasts and Savannah Grey's blog as well.

 

Remember the tool of the NPB is to elicit confusion and make you doubt yourself, so gather as much information as you can and if need be write out a checklist of his behaviour and character traits as a for (NPD) and against. Then get rid of it and work on your own healing, which is separate from this man

 

 

You will need to look at this as two different problems, the first being why you were susceptible to an affair even though it was against your own moral code (is boundary violations ringing a bell?!) and the other on recovering from the narcissistic abuse. The latter I believe is your primary issue, a true NPD is a master as testing boundaries and discovering weaknesses to manipulate you into situations you would never normally find yourself such as an A (although this doesn't clear you from personal responsibility for your actions)

 

I think you will probably receive better support from a resource aimed at NPD/psychopath recovery, the focus here will be on the affair side which i'm not marginalising but believe it to be a symptom as opposed to the central issue.

 

You'll also likely receive some fairly nasty and blame assigning comments here, if you are as wounded as I suspect you are these comments will only damage and set you back you further. Work on the reasons you were vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and I don't believe you will be at risk of entering another affair.

 

BTW it's normal for you to think "If only I had or hadn't have" even though your response to his behaviour was totally appropriate for the situation. I need to run as I'm late for something but will write more later..I cannot recommend the above resources to you enough.

[Popsicle]

I think had you been as sweet as pie the whole time, he still wouldn't have left his wife. All the Dday did was save you some time.

[Grewd]

This would have ended in Stockholm syndrome if this was allowed to progress, I'll make a list for you, then we can see how much love that will incite when you comprehend the consequences.

 

- You "bonded" over politics, do I have to say more?

- You obsessively chatted with a man you haven't met for 4!! months.

- You kept going after he told you he was married, selfish feelings.

- He lied and cheated on his wife, who's to say he wouldn't have done it to you?

- He was pushing, you felt it was rushed, chose to ignore it.

- Guilt trips, yeah you know how it feels.

- He hurt you on an intimate level by abusing what you had trusted a liar and cheater with.

- You still want to salvage it after all that, how did you plan on that happy future coming into existence?

- His main focus was his kids? Seriously? After all that? I'll get back to this, it's the greatest crime in this.

- He said "sorry for being such a miserable disappointment", fishing for sympathy eh? More emotional abuse...

- It couldn't have worked out in the long run, trust me, it just couldn't regardless of your actions, period.

 

Now I'm well aware how this post will feel to you, but you should be extremely grateful he's out of your life. He'd destroy you in every sense possible. I know this personality type all too well and it's the most cynical, selfish, uncaring, disrespectful and dangerous people you'll come across. They'll lure you in by being "too good to be true" in the beginning, but will later turn into your worst nightmare. You now know the signs, please ensure you don't fall for that deceit again. You dodged a bullet, one that would have lead to a slow and painful death as you suffer for all the bad choices and all the broken hearts.

 

I personally know a case of exactly this, except the guy got caught cheating by online chatting and got kicked straight out. They too had kids, three of them. One of them being my girlfriend. Her father hooked up with some pathetic woman online, they thought they could make it work. However, his kids including my girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with his girlfriends. I can only imagine how I would feel if my father did that, but I'd probably never forgive it, the deceit runs too deep.

 

So after all this and knowing how extremely destructive is, you still love the man who lies, cheats and breaks peoples hearts? Does he really deserve that love? Even worse is you're starting to hate on yourself for loving him! Look really closely at that, let it sink in. He has succeeded in ruining you even though he's not even there, that's some serious damage.

 

I think you may have to address the issue that lead you to him in the first place. Why did you go online for love? Why did you spend so long chatting before meeting? You've been floating on and is still floating on an illusion, a lie. Do you have the strength to withstand the temptation to respond if he makes contact?

 

I know I'm harsh, but I don't really have much sympathy for you. You gotta feel this pain. Don't say I'm putting it on you, I'm not, I'm showing you what you did.

[among the pines]

Winterkeep - Thank you. I will check out those blogs. I also picked up a couple books; one titled Psychopath Free by the same person who founded the site and one by Robert Hare. I'm a voracious consumer of information and tend to research a subject to death.

 

I agree I need to look at what is attracting this type of person to me as I've had it happen before - although never a married man, and usually I got out of them once it reached a certain point before things got serious. I would say in this case - low self esteem & lack of boundaries have a lot to do with it. So I'm working on those issues right now and focusing on myself.

 

I had read some of the responses here prior to posting so I was prepared for negative comments. I agree that it is two fold; the "affair" is something that would not have happened if I had been better able to identify what I was truly dealing with. That being said, I do take ownership of my part in it. Funny thing - when things started to not go his way he blamed me for breaking up his family and that most people would think I'm super disgusting for what I did. Hm. No personal responsibility whatsoever. He had me in sobs over that for a while. I have no doubt that I have been crucified by him as the harlot who is responsible for everything. I mean, what else can he do but throw me under the bus?

Edited January 6, 2016 by among the pines

[Ms. Faust]

Often times we think we have control of the situation until someone comes along with more control. You told him from the get go you did not like dishonesty, he said he was married, but you continued. I imagine you felt that you would never go down that path, that you would be able to keep those feelings in check.

 

There is something about "I love you" and "you're my soulmate" that makes people throw their resolve to the wind. At least you recognize the issue and are working to correct it.

 

Kind of off topic, but I have come to cringe every time I see "s/he said we were soulmates". I always thought it was something of a silly, over romanticized concept; after reading both betrayed spouses and affair partners forums I find it to be one of the ultimate in verbage fluff that gets thrown around.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[among the pines]

Grewd - Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that happened to your friend. I'm not looking for sympathy. I own my part of this, believe me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself in the least. I just feel completely like I've been hit by a bus. I think a lot of what winterkeep said rings true to me as far as him being a cluster b and a manipulator. That does not exonorate my behavior.

 

I agree with all of the bullet points you listed. In particular I would never want to be a source of harm for any child. At the time he (supposedly) separated I asked him many many times about his children and whether he felt he was doing the right thing. Only much later did his conscience evidently catch up with him. Another huge red flag.

 

I didn't actually go online looking for love. I don't even do online dating (I did at one time and it was horrible). At the time, I felt like it just evolved organically from friendship. Believe me, I am in a constant state of cognitive discedence over my feelings for someone who is such a loser. That is what I am trying to work through right now.

 

I am exploring the reasons I allowed this person int my life, some of which I have gained some perspective on with a little time and NC. He definitely destroyed me and walked away and I'm picking up the pieces. I think the chances he would try to contact me are pretty much nil, but I have blocked him everywhere. That would only set me back, and I can imagine such a selfish person would eventually try to contact after they thought the dust settled and they could get away with it.

[Ms. Faust]

 

I didn't actually go online looking for love. I don't even do online dating (I did at one time and it was horrible).

 

You have to be wary of Facebook creepers. Obviously you had no idea, because you were not familiar with infidelity at the time, but the way you described is a very, very common scenario for married people to hook up with others.

[Popsicle]

You have to be wary of Facebook creepers. Obviously you had no idea, because you were not familiar with infidelity at the time, but the way you described is a very, very common scenario for married people to hook up with others.

 

Yes totally.

[among the pines]

Ms. Faust & Popsicle - Thank you. I completely agree. The small consolation I have is that I was truly naive to some degree about FB being a trolling ground; it is probably actually worse than a so called "dating site". But I am an adult and should have known better. Over the course of months and constant contact I think I got complacent in thinking this person was actually a friend.

 

I agree about the buzz words - especially "soul mate". How in the heck would you genuinely feel that about someone without spending A LOT of one on one time in person with them? I feel like I lost my sanity for a while.

Edited January 6, 2016 by among the pines

[Ms. Faust]

 

I agree about the buzz words - especially "soul mate". How in the heck would you genuinely feel that about someone without spending A LOT of one on one time in person with them? I feel like I lost my sanity for a while.

 

I sometimes think that the BS and OW have more in common with each other than the MM and this is one of those things where I think other women and betrayed spouses overlap. If you go to a betrayed spouse forum you will often read a lot of the same verbage:

 

He was my soulmate.

Our relationship was perfect together.

Our sex life was amazing, we did it 150x a day.

It's like he's two different people.

How could he do this to me?

What about our history together, doesn't that mean anything?

 

etc etc.

 

My first AP roped me in with "you're my soulmate". I was 18 years old, and completely gaga. Sigh, if only I had a time machine...

[among the pines]

Ms. Faust - I agree. The ironic part is lately I have actually started to think more about his wife that him and what she has had to endure with all of his lies and being the one legally bound to him and with vows. I feel so many emotions.....I would never ever reach out to her, but if I could I would tell her I am so sorry I got caught up in this and that I hurt her.

[Grewd]

Don't get the idea that I hate you or wish bad things for you, but I do hate your actions however I understand you were in a different state of mind with a skewed perspective.

 

It's great of you to have the courage to share it with us, especially knowing it will be received negatively. It's also positive that you recognize what's been wrong, it's healthy and appropriate that you show remorse for what you did. I wasn't initially able to see the positive you did when I wrote my first response, but I believe this open way of handling it deserves recognition so after thinking about it some more I'm doing that now.

 

Even though some people do horrible things I don't stop believing it can be changed. This incident clearly isn't who you really are, it's a series of unwise actions done by you. There's every opportunity to learn and you can grow a lot on this experience, don't let it hang over you like a burden. Use this experience for the better instead.

 

I sincierely hope and wish for you to find a good path. I've seen so much pain caused by this and it does nothing good to anyone. I understand he was and probably still is in pain himself, that combined with unawareness and lack of personal responsibility is often what leads to destructive actions.

 

You're showing awareness and a lot of responsibility in this thread, keep that up